A Momentary Scream Into a Pillow

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm going to go actually scream into a pillow after I write this, just to help get it all out.

Recap: my uBPD queen/witch MIL and her enabling husband lived with my boyfriend/fiance in his house until one year ago. They had planned to live with him until they died (they were in their early 70s), but through the good counsel he was getting while he and I were dating, he decided that was not going to be his life, and he told them that we were getting an apartment to move into when we married and that they needed to move elsewhere because he was going to sell his house. This did not go over well, but he stood his ground. Then, one week before our wedding, his father died unexpectedly. His mother did not want us to go through with the wedding, because it would be "disrespectful." We married anyway. We gave her time to grieve and find resources to figure out what to do with the rest of her life; she had the financial resources she needed, but did not want to use them. Long story short, last November she lost control and revealed her manipulative schemes and witchiness to such a public and over-the-line extent that we left her at the mental institution where she'd committed herself and have not seen her since. In mid-January, we moved all her belongings to storage (she had exited the hospital on her own terms since there's nothing actually wrong with her brain, other than BPD) while she was living in another state for several months.

At that point, my husband wrote her a letter with the following very clearly stated:

- Their relationship was completely unhealthy and no progress could be made without professional intervention

- She had behaved maliciously and unhealthfully in stated specific ways and he was drawing stated specific boundaries so that he would not endure it again

- She was not to contact him again except by postal mail and only for absolutely necessary communication

- She was not to expect contact from him for at least one calendar year, and perhaps not after that

- She was NOT to contact me, ever, by any means.

So that was ten months ago. In that time, she has repeatedly ignored these boundaries. We expected the big burst of activity we got at the beginning right after she got the letter; of course she'd test to see if we meant it. But it just DOESN'T STOP. She moved states again and got married in July. We were invited to the wedding but did not go to it. The phone calls keep coming; we blocked her number. She changed her number, and a message got through a couple of weeks ago at DH's dad's death anniversary, pleading for my husband to talk with her. We received a neutral card in the mail congratulating us on our wedding anniversary last month. Packages come in the mail from Amazon from MIL; the notes say how much she loves us. We have thrown them away unopened. The emails keep coming. We don't read them. My husband has changed his email address; I've set my email so that her messages go straight to the trash folder. Occasionally I see one of them when I am looking for other emails. Today I saw that she had sent an email to me; with my email server, I see the first line of text without opening the email. It was about my husband's upcoming birthday and began with a plea for forgiveness for how she has "hurt my heart."

I just want to stamp and scream LEAVE US ALONE, WOMAN. IF YOU WANT TO EVER HAVE ANY KIND OF COMMUNICATION WITH US AGAIN, YOU MUST ABIDE BY THE BOUNDARIES WE SET.

... .but we will not respond to her, because that will not be keeping the boundaries we have set, either. I just want... .the boundaries police to pull her over and give her a ticket. With a large fine. And keep increasing it every time she pokes and pushes and hits and caresses at us. Our boundaries were very simple. I resent the fact that we have to change all our contact info to keep from seeing that she doesn't stop ignoring our boundaries. I don't WANT to change my email address again. I don't want us to have to move to a new place to live to keep her from sending us stuff. She never had my actual phone number, thank God - I gave her a Google number I'd set up to forward to my phone - so I haven't had to change that.

I resent it that I have to be strong and not open that email she sent today. Part of me wants to read it so I can be properly angered and outraged - not that I need to read what it says in order to feel that way. But I want to be justified and I want to keep coating her with more and more layers of black paint. I don't want to be grown-up and healthy and hold myself above her actions.

BUT. I am. I am a healthy adult and I will not interact with her actions. I'll vent to folks who understand it, and I will scream into my pillow. I will refuse to dwell on her grasping and invasion. And I'll go ahead and set up that appointment for me with a new counselor with BPD experience that I found... .we've been putting it off because of financial reasons, but we budgeted for counseling to begin again this month. I will do this.

[claudiaduffy]

I'm going to go actually scream into a pillow after I write this, just to help get it all out.

Recap: my uBPD queen/witch MIL and her enabling husband lived with my boyfriend/fiance in his house until one year ago. They had planned to live with him until they died (they were in their early 70s), but through the good counsel he was getting while he and I were dating, he decided that was not going to be his life, and he told them that we were getting an apartment to move into when we married and that they needed to move elsewhere because he was going to sell his house. This did not go over well, but he stood his ground. Then, one week before our wedding, his father died unexpectedly. His mother did not want us to go through with the wedding, because it would be "disrespectful." We married anyway. We gave her time to grieve and find resources to figure out what to do with the rest of her life; she had the financial resources she needed, but did not want to use them. Long story short, last November she lost control and revealed her manipulative schemes and witchiness to such a public and over-the-line extent that we left her at the mental institution where she'd committed herself and have not seen her since. In mid-January, we moved all her belongings to storage (she had exited the hospital on her own terms since there's nothing actually wrong with her brain, other than BPD) while she was living in another state for several months.

At that point, my husband wrote her a letter with the following very clearly stated:

- Their relationship was completely unhealthy and no progress could be made without professional intervention

- She had behaved maliciously and unhealthfully in stated specific ways and he was drawing stated specific boundaries so that he would not endure it again

- She was not to contact him again except by postal mail and only for absolutely necessary communication

- She was not to expect contact from him for at least one calendar year, and perhaps not after that

- She was NOT to contact me, ever, by any means.

So that was ten months ago. In that time, she has repeatedly ignored these boundaries. We expected the big burst of activity we got at the beginning right after she got the letter; of course she'd test to see if we meant it. But it just DOESN'T STOP. She moved states again and got married in July. We were invited to the wedding but did not go to it. The phone calls keep coming; we blocked her number. She changed her number, and a message got through a couple of weeks ago at DH's dad's death anniversary, pleading for my husband to talk with her. We received a neutral card in the mail congratulating us on our wedding anniversary last month. Packages come in the mail from Amazon from MIL; the notes say how much she loves us. We have thrown them away unopened. The emails keep coming. We don't read them. My husband has changed his email address; I've set my email so that her messages go straight to the trash folder. Occasionally I see one of them when I am looking for other emails. Today I saw that she had sent an email to me; with my email server, I see the first line of text without opening the email. It was about my husband's upcoming birthday and began with a plea for forgiveness for how she has "hurt my heart."

I just want to stamp and scream LEAVE US ALONE, WOMAN. IF YOU WANT TO EVER HAVE ANY KIND OF COMMUNICATION WITH US AGAIN, YOU MUST ABIDE BY THE BOUNDARIES WE SET.

... .but we will not respond to her, because that will not be keeping the boundaries we have set, either. I just want... .the boundaries police to pull her over and give her a ticket. With a large fine. And keep increasing it every time she pokes and pushes and hits and caresses at us. Our boundaries were very simple. I resent the fact that we have to change all our contact info to keep from seeing that she doesn't stop ignoring our boundaries. I don't WANT to change my email address again. I don't want us to have to move to a new place to live to keep her from sending us stuff. She never had my actual phone number, thank God - I gave her a Google number I'd set up to forward to my phone - so I haven't had to change that.

I resent it that I have to be strong and not open that email she sent today. Part of me wants to read it so I can be properly angered and outraged - not that I need to read what it says in order to feel that way. But I want to be justified and I want to keep coating her with more and more layers of black paint. I don't want to be grown-up and healthy and hold myself above her actions.

BUT. I am. I am a healthy adult and I will not interact with her actions. I'll vent to folks who understand it, and I will scream into my pillow. I will refuse to dwell on her grasping and invasion. And I'll go ahead and set up that appointment for me with a new counselor with BPD experience that I found... .we've been putting it off because of financial reasons, but we budgeted for counseling to begin again this month. I will do this.

[Kwamina]

Hi claudiaduffy

We all need to vent sometimes, I understand your frustration. People with BPD often have a very hard time respecting boundaries and/or respecting new boundaries that have been set. Since you also have a uBPD mom, I was wondering if your MIL's behavior might also be triggering some of the emotions related to how you were treated by your own mother. Do you feel like that might also factor into how you're feeling? When I look at myself I notice that I'm highly sensitive to people's behaviors that are similar to the way my mother behaves. It's almost like I go straight into battle mode, sometimes even unconsciously.

At that point, my husband wrote her a letter with the following very clearly stated:

- Their relationship was completely unhealthy and no progress could be made without professional intervention

- She had behaved maliciously and unhealthfully in stated specific ways and he was drawing stated specific boundaries so that he would not endure it again

- She was not to contact him again except by postal mail and only for absolutely necessary communication

- She was not to expect contact from him for at least one calendar year, and perhaps not after that

- She was NOT to contact me, ever, by any means.

People with BPD hate to feel like they're being controlled and by formulating boundaries like this can make it sound like that's the objective. Perhaps it would help to center the boundaries more on you, regardless of how she behaves. I know how frustrating this can be when you feel like someone is behaving in a way that you feel they shouldn't. Maybe it can help to flip things around and change your expectations. Based on how she has behaved so far you could say that it's highly likely that she will misbehave again and in that sense misbehaving actually is the way she should behave because that is what she usually does. Just some thoughts from my end, in my experience changing your expectations can help diminish your frustration and sense of powerlessness. You can than focus more on calmly and firmly defending your boundaries when they get crossed without getting too affected by your MIL's behavior, because you were already expecting her to act like this anyway.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi claudiaduffy

We all need to vent sometimes, I understand your frustration. People with BPD often have a very hard time respecting boundaries and/or respecting new boundaries that have been set. Since you also have a uBPD mom, I was wondering if your MIL's behavior might also be triggering some of the emotions related to how you were treated by your own mother. Do you feel like that might also factor into how you're feeling? When I look at myself I notice that I'm highly sensitive to people's behaviors that are similar to the way my mother behaves. It's almost like I go straight into battle mode, sometimes even unconsciously.

Hi, Kwamina!

I think a lot of what's going on is that I'm irritated at my irritation.     I know that part of me feels like I've already put in all the time I should be expected to, getting my mind straight about my own uBPDmom - who is really a much lighter case of BPD than my MIL is. My own mom never actually made death threats at me (or came anywhere near it), unlike MIL - who we've had to inform the police about. So yes, she triggers stuff in me about my mom, except that it's way worse than my mom. Also, my mom actually has made some slight but lasting changes for the better, once I got my boundaries firmly in place with her. It didn't really even take that long - 6 months or so - for me to see her really internalize that I meant what I said, and adjust her worst behaviors accordingly. So, I unreasonably feel that MIL should be getting a clue by now - it's been 10 months. I know it's an unreasonable expectation, but feelings don't always consult reason.     ... .hence the need to yell about it.

People with BPD hate to feel like they're being controlled and by formulating boundaries like this can make it sound like that's the objective. Perhaps it would help to center the boundaries more on you, regardless of how she behaves. I know how frustrating this can be when you feel like someone is behaving in a way that you feel they shouldn't. Maybe it can help to flip things around and change your expectations. Based on how she has behaved so far you could say that it's highly likely that she will misbehave again and in that sense misbehaving actually is the way she should behave because that is what she usually does. Just some thoughts from my end, in my experience changing your expectations can help diminish your frustration and sense of powerlessness. You can than focus more on calmly and firmly defending your boundaries when they get crossed without getting too affected by your MIL's behavior, because you were already expecting her to act like this anyway.

This is true. I actually misrepresented DH's letter in my original post; I went back and re-read his letter today when I was so irked, and I remembered all the work he/we put into making that letter about HIS boundaries, not limiting her. (We even had two skilled counselors help us edit it towards that end.) For example, he used statements like "I cannot continue our relationship without professional intervention" and "I am no longer reading your emails and will not read them any more. If you need to contact me, I will accept letters, but if they become violent and abusive I may stop reading them as well." He did list, briefly, concrete examples of the unhealth in their relationship (mostly, his prior willingness to behave as an emotional surrogate husband to her) and that list would definitely be taken as offensive, and then the one major limit that he did place on her was that she was not to contact me. This was in direct response to the death threats and violent language she employed towards me in front of a mental health professional and in multiple emails and phone calls to mutual friends. I'm not sure how else he should have worded that to her; it was important to him that she see he was standing and would always stand in front of me to defend me directly from the stated intent to harm.

Yes, I did expect all of this ongoing disregard and disrespect. The rational part of me did, anyway. It isn't surprising. It's just irritating. Part of me was hoping against hope that her new marriage would be such a good distraction that she'd leave us alone for a good long while - though goodness knows I feel badly for her new husband.

It just feels like she will always be the cloud of wasps landing on my picnic, no matter where we go or what we do, and dammit, I don't feel like getting up and moving my picnic blanket every five minutes.

However, when I look back at the entanglement we moved out of... .it is a remarkable change for one year's time. So maybe the root of all this is that I'm impatient for freedom from every last shred of the toxicity. It doesn't help that we still haven't been able to find a buyer for DH's big old empty house, and that thieves recently cut out and stole all the copper pipes from the crawlspace... .we've both wished they'd have gone ahead and set the place on fire while they were at it. We hate having to be over there, dealing with police reports and insurance claims and work estimates. Tired of dealing with the remains of it all.

[Harri]

Hi Claudia.  Did you do some screaming and if so, do you feel better?  It sounds like MIL is a real piece of work.  Your hubby, on the other hand, sounds like a really nice guy.  He certainly seems to have his head and his heart in the right place.

Well, like you said at the beginning of your post, feelings do not always consult reason.  (I really like that and I am going to remember it for the future so don't be surprised if you see me quoting you here!)  So I am sure you know, just go with the feelings, recognize them and then release them as you did today.  She sounds relentless in terms of trying to break through to you guys but you both have done an excellent job in terms of not responding to her.  That is quite difficult.    

Hang in there Claudia.  Vent and post as needed!   

[claudiaduffy]

Thanks, Harri! That affirmation feels really good.

... .no, I didn't actually scream into my pillow. I only had a little time after I wrote all that before I had to be at work, so I researched counselors instead, and sent an email inquiry to the most promising one.  I think a pillow-screaming session is still in order but I will wait until my DH is back at work tomorrow. It's not that he couldn't take it (he IS an excellent guy), it's just that I like our evenings together too much to fill them with ugly noises that can wait twelve hours without causing me further harm. 

You gave me a good cathartic laugh, too, by the way. DH and I like to watch the show Parks and Recreation, and there's a terrible, horrible, manipulative, toxic ex-wife of one of the main characters, who shows up occasionally. Once she showed up at a dinner held for the police department, and several of the cops were shown describing, in turn, the scene that followed. Every single one of them shook his head and commented, "She's a real piece of work." I may have to privately re-name my MIL "Tammy" after the character. Bwahahahahaha.

[Harri]

I'm so glad you laughed Claudia!  Parks and Recreation is on my to netflix to watch list, so i will make sure to look for that once I start.

So scream like hell tomorrow and get it all out.  I do my yelling in my car as driving is one way I decompress.  I have tried the pillow thing before but I usually get all hot and once I inhaled some lint... .nothing like hacking up a piece of lint to put a damper on a good vent!   

I am hoping to buy one of those punching bags once my finances settle down.  I am looking forward to beating the crap out of something! 

[claudiaduffy]

So scream like hell tomorrow and get it all out.  I do my yelling in my car as driving is one way I decompress.  I have tried the pillow thing before but I usually get all hot and once I inhaled some lint... .nothing like hacking up a piece of lint to put a damper on a good vent!   

Ahahahahahaha! Yes, that would put a damper on it. =)

I did a bit of experimental yelling this afternoon but it only took a minute to make sure my heart wasn't in it and I didn't really need to anymore. There will be other times, and that's okay. Yelping to you folks did the trick - thanks so much for listening.