What would you do?

[Mommakiwi]

I am still reading and combing through the material on the site (which is fasinating), but I am so torn.

Back story. Since my uBPDM left my father she has had multiple break downs with family and my father. It is apparent to my father that part of the issue is that my sister and I have not made much effort to contact her since she has left. I have sent very few texts and the response I have gotten is very toxic. We have not spoken by phone since April and only has she called one time this weekend to scream at me. My father has told me he will no longer discuss her with me as he feels he needs to lie to her about what he is telling me and he can no longer do that. I completely understand his position, do I have sent him an email just telling him I hope they are safe. He had cancelled a business trip and flown to be with her as she felt she no longer had anywhere to go as family has 'turned he out'.

I am compelled to text her to let her know I am truly thinking of her, but everything I can think to send her only brings visions of toxic messages in return.

I know ultimately it's my decision to contact her and reap the consequences, but I'm looking for others prospective a.

TIA!

[claudiaduffy]

I wouldn't text. You've told her before you love her and care about what happens to her. Repeating it isn't going to make her believe it. If it doesn't help her, and it hurts you, why do it? (In fact, I'd say even if it helps her, but actually does hurt you, why do it - but this isn't even that situation.)

[clljhns]

Hi Mommakiwi,

I know ultimately it's my decision to contact her and reap the consequences, but I'm looking for others prospective a.

TIA!

I was struck my this statement. What consequences? It sounds as if you are taking on blame that doesn't belong to you. You are not the guilty party here, so what consequences should you reap?

Could this be a situation of FOG? Have you read about FOG, and how it can hold you in that place of abuse?

I think a more healthy perspective would be to think of reaping only good and positive things for yourself. You decide what those things are, and then act on them.


Peace and blessings. 

[Harri]

Hi mommakiwi.  What a difficult position to be in.  I had a couple of thoughts when I was reading your post.  First, I don't think your father should have been talking to you about your mom anyway.  It really is not appropriate so i am glad he has decided to stop.  He is in a difficult position but it is up to him to figure out how to deal with things.  He chose to marry her.  He has chosen to stay married to her.  He gets to deal with all that entails. 

The other thought I had is that you should not text her.  There are no right words to send in this situation... .at least not in terms of picking just the right words that will let her know you care and not have her respond with her toxic messages.  I agree with claudia and clljhns. 

You are not responsible for her or your dad and there is no way you can make this better.  Another thought I had is that the very best chance she has to change herself is to be forced to see and deal with the consequences of her own behavior. 

Have you ever thought of telling her you will talk to her when she can control her anger and stop taking things out on you? 

[Mommakiwi]

I decided to not text her. I understand that my dad has made his own bed and now he has to lay in it. I was reading thought the FOG stuff and it makes sense to my situation. More specifically the guilt portion.

I do feel an obligation to my dad as well. As I have said in another post my dad has very few resources left and I am one of them. I truly want a relationship with Both of them, as long as it's not so toxic. My dad is not near as bad as mom, but I know he enables her.

I hope that I will be able to talk to them again. I have not been able to directly set boundaries with my mother, let alone letting her know i can't talk to her when she is so angry.

Thanks for the advice and questions everyone! They are opening my eyes more and more. I'm learning, slowly, but surely!

[clljhns]

Mommakiwi,

Hang in there!  

There are many resources here at this site to help you navigate the mine field. Have you read J.A.D.E. Very powerful reading and also I would suggest you reading about daughters of BPD moms. Might help to give you a deeper understanding.

All the best!

Peace and blessings.

[Mommakiwi]

Thanks clljhns!

Can you possible point me in the direction of J.A.D.E. and the daughters of bod mothers info?

Much appreciated!   

[clljhns]

Mommakiwi,

If you click on ANSWERS tab and select archives, you will find the articles on how a BPD mom affects her children. There are also many videos on relationships on the HOME page. I am looking for where JADE is. When I find it, I will let you know. JADE is the acronym for don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain yourself.

Hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.

Peace and blessings. 

[coldNheartless]

Hi Mommakiwi,

I had to look up this FOG thing that everyone is talking about because its new to me. The idea of emotional blackmail is not. I found this passage very enlightening... . 

"Most BPD behaviors don't need the implicit agreement of another person to take place. A rage is a rage is a rage. But emotional blackmail takes two: the blackmailer and the "blackmailee" who permits it to happen. If you refuse to participate, the blackmailer's efforts will be fruitless. This is your defense."

This text is from ... .www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36

Its possible that what is going with your father is extremely complicated, as willfully choosing to be in a relationship with a BPD is. If you are extending your hand in love to either parent or sister and getting bitterness in return, it would be unwise to continue extending. It just hurts you. Perhaps your and sister can do some healing together.

good luck mkiwi, were all rooting for you.

[clljhns]

I think JADE is in an article on How to Stop Circular Arguments. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Hope all is well.

[Jema]

This site has glossary of the most commonly used terms:

  <https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0>

Also, it's one of the little tabs in green just above the "Search Site" tab.

Lots of information there, as well. Hope this helps.


Cheers,

Jema

[Mommakiwi]

I just saw the new posts on this today! Thank you for directing me to JADE info!

You guys are so great!