Help- BPD/Bipolar Sister is trying to get back in contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted on this in a few years.  My sister who is 8 years older than me has been suffering extreme mental illness.  She was diagnosed with BPD as well as Schizoaffective.  I haven't really found a forum specifically for that, but many of her traits are BPD.  My sister has always been emotionally and verbally abusive to me.  Things escalated quite a bit in the past few years.  It could be due to drug use (which could have brought on the Bipolar, Schizoaffective disorder, I just don't know). She was having hallucinations about having bugs in her body as well as others that several doctors referred her to psychiatrists for help.  My bother, parents and I tried tirelessly to get her the help she needed, only to be treated in the most vile ways from her.  Not long after that she was mental health arrested in 2012 twice, once for a suicide attempt and again for going naked in public.  Throughout the whole thing she has completely denied the fact that she needs come kind of help and refuses to do as the doctors tell her.  There really is so much to this, I can't possibly type it all.

Anyway, we've have very limited contact in the past two years, and I must admit I prefer it that way.  In the past couple months, she has been trying to come over to see my DDs 9 & 11.  My kids know there is something wrong with her, and they figured this out on their own, not a smear campaign from me.  Anyway, it was DD9 bday party and my BPD sis texted me ahead of time to find out when it was (I hadn't intended on inviting her, because she always causes a scene and is nasty) not to mention, I do not want someone coming to my home and disrespecting me in front of my guests.  At the same time, about a month ago I saw her at a grad party and she seemed as normal and polite as she can be.  I never know which personality I'm going to get from her.  So I told her the date and time of the party and she came.  Sat two seats away from our mother (who she has painted black) and did not even say hello to her.  Then she sat next to DH's 87yr old Grandmother and started talking to her about death and how we all have an expiration date 

When we started opening gifts, she saw the American Girl Doll I had gotten for DD9 and wanted to take a picture of DD9 with her cell phone.  She says in the most nasty way possible, "SisterofBPD, can you get out of the picture?" That caught quite a bit of attention from my other guests, sigh. Then when she told DD11 that she has 6 cats now, DD11 asked if they could come over to see them, BPDsis goes "No, you're Mommy won't let you." First off, no way would l let them go over without me (truth be told I don't want to go there anyway) but for her to say this to DD11 and put her in a weird position really ticked me off.  I said, ":)on't put words in my mouth." Then she goes "We don't have to discuss this right now." trying to make it look like I'm the one that picked the fight.

Not sure if this is relevant, but let me first say that I am not a shallow person, I will buy things from thrift stores if need be and be happy for it.  BUT BPDsis gave DD9 a bag of used clothes for her present, not gently used clothes either.  Stuff with stains and could only be something that I'm guessing came from some kind of shelter or even someone's trash.  DD9 thanked her for them, as did I.  Then BPDsis gave DD9 a bible.  I'm not trying to get into a religious debate here, but after being raised by my mother who is a NBPD and forced us to go to church basically just for show, this is not the way I intended to raise my children.  I am teaching them to be kind, because they should be, not for the fear of God.  Anyway, she hands this to DD9 while giving me a nasty look daring me to say something about it.  Simply put, other people should not be forcing their religious beliefs on other people's children.

The Party was this past Sunday.  Last night at 9:45pm I get a text from BPDsis asking if DD9 was still awake and that she found the rest of her bday present and wanted to stop over.  I told her no, DD9 had been asleep for quite awhile.  She asked if she could stop by tonight and I said we have plans.  We do in a sense have plans, DD11 has a doctor appt. then we have to do dinner, homework showers and bed.  BPDsis plans to drop this off on our front step and I am really hoping to avoid her completely. 

Then she texts me again (I could just tell she was trying to pick a fight with me and I wasn't taking the bait).  She says "Next year, I would like to be invited to the dance recital (last one she came to she caused a scene) and to DD's kid party only, not the family party, I'd rather watch the kids having fun that be in a room with people who can't stand me."  Last time I invited her to the kid party, she went out to her car and got stoned, then came into the kid party and told all the parents that were there that she got stoned.  I replied back with BPDsis, I'm in bed, goodnight (trying to practice medium chill).  She replies: "Goodnight " and another text with my name in all caps "SISTEROFBPD"

I know this is long, I just really needed to vent to people who understand.  Do you PBPD's have a thing where they say your name as nasty as they possibly can, like it's some kind of swear word?  She has always done this and it really disgusts me.

I'm trying to build up my courage to tell her to leave if she shows up and is disrespectful to me.  Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

Thank you,

sisterofBPD

[sisterofbpd]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted on this in a few years.  My sister who is 8 years older than me has been suffering extreme mental illness.  She was diagnosed with BPD as well as Schizoaffective.  I haven't really found a forum specifically for that, but many of her traits are BPD.  My sister has always been emotionally and verbally abusive to me.  Things escalated quite a bit in the past few years.  It could be due to drug use (which could have brought on the Bipolar, Schizoaffective disorder, I just don't know). She was having hallucinations about having bugs in her body as well as others that several doctors referred her to psychiatrists for help.  My bother, parents and I tried tirelessly to get her the help she needed, only to be treated in the most vile ways from her.  Not long after that she was mental health arrested in 2012 twice, once for a suicide attempt and again for going naked in public.  Throughout the whole thing she has completely denied the fact that she needs come kind of help and refuses to do as the doctors tell her.  There really is so much to this, I can't possibly type it all.

Anyway, we've have very limited contact in the past two years, and I must admit I prefer it that way.  In the past couple months, she has been trying to come over to see my DDs 9 & 11.  My kids know there is something wrong with her, and they figured this out on their own, not a smear campaign from me.  Anyway, it was DD9 bday party and my BPD sis texted me ahead of time to find out when it was (I hadn't intended on inviting her, because she always causes a scene and is nasty) not to mention, I do not want someone coming to my home and disrespecting me in front of my guests.  At the same time, about a month ago I saw her at a grad party and she seemed as normal and polite as she can be.  I never know which personality I'm going to get from her.  So I told her the date and time of the party and she came.  Sat two seats away from our mother (who she has painted black) and did not even say hello to her.  Then she sat next to DH's 87yr old Grandmother and started talking to her about death and how we all have an expiration date 

When we started opening gifts, she saw the American Girl Doll I had gotten for DD9 and wanted to take a picture of DD9 with her cell phone.  She says in the most nasty way possible, "SisterofBPD, can you get out of the picture?" That caught quite a bit of attention from my other guests, sigh. Then when she told DD11 that she has 6 cats now, DD11 asked if they could come over to see them, BPDsis goes "No, you're Mommy won't let you." First off, no way would l let them go over without me (truth be told I don't want to go there anyway) but for her to say this to DD11 and put her in a weird position really ticked me off.  I said, ":)on't put words in my mouth." Then she goes "We don't have to discuss this right now." trying to make it look like I'm the one that picked the fight.

Not sure if this is relevant, but let me first say that I am not a shallow person, I will buy things from thrift stores if need be and be happy for it.  BUT BPDsis gave DD9 a bag of used clothes for her present, not gently used clothes either.  Stuff with stains and could only be something that I'm guessing came from some kind of shelter or even someone's trash.  DD9 thanked her for them, as did I.  Then BPDsis gave DD9 a bible.  I'm not trying to get into a religious debate here, but after being raised by my mother who is a NBPD and forced us to go to church basically just for show, this is not the way I intended to raise my children.  I am teaching them to be kind, because they should be, not for the fear of God.  Anyway, she hands this to DD9 while giving me a nasty look daring me to say something about it.  Simply put, other people should not be forcing their religious beliefs on other people's children.

The Party was this past Sunday.  Last night at 9:45pm I get a text from BPDsis asking if DD9 was still awake and that she found the rest of her bday present and wanted to stop over.  I told her no, DD9 had been asleep for quite awhile.  She asked if she could stop by tonight and I said we have plans.  We do in a sense have plans, DD11 has a doctor appt. then we have to do dinner, homework showers and bed.  BPDsis plans to drop this off on our front step and I am really hoping to avoid her completely. 

Then she texts me again (I could just tell she was trying to pick a fight with me and I wasn't taking the bait).  She says "Next year, I would like to be invited to the dance recital (last one she came to she caused a scene) and to DD's kid party only, not the family party, I'd rather watch the kids having fun that be in a room with people who can't stand me."  Last time I invited her to the kid party, she went out to her car and got stoned, then came into the kid party and told all the parents that were there that she got stoned.  I replied back with BPDsis, I'm in bed, goodnight (trying to practice medium chill).  She replies: "Goodnight " and another text with my name in all caps "SISTEROFBPD"

I know this is long, I just really needed to vent to people who understand.  Do you PBPD's have a thing where they say your name as nasty as they possibly can, like it's some kind of swear word?  She has always done this and it really disgusts me.

I'm trying to build up my courage to tell her to leave if she shows up and is disrespectful to me.  Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

Thank you,

sisterofBPD

[Kwamina]

Hello sisterofBPD

Been a long time! Welcome back

I know this is long, I just really needed to vent to people who understand.  :)o you PBPD's have a thing where they say your name as nasty as they possibly can, like it's some kind of swear word?  She has always done this and it really disgusts me.

I think you raise a very good point here. Often it's not only what people say but also how they say it. The tone of voice, facial expression, rolling of the eyes, body language etc. can make even the most innocent or normal words (like your own name) feel like daggers. I actually also have an older BPD sister, she's 14 years older than me. During one of her outbursts a few years ago when my other sister and uBPD mom were also present, my uBPD sis refused to say my name but only referred to me as HIM all the while giving me dirty looks when saying this. The word 'him' seems like such an innocent and neutral word, but in this context it wasn't at all.

I'm trying to build up my courage to tell her to leave if she shows up and is disrespectful to me.  Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

Two days have past since you posted this, have you since had anymore contact with your sister? Only advice I have is to be firm about your boundaries and to put your own needs first. Your mental and emotional well-being is most important and also protecting your children against your sister's negative behavior. You gave your sis a chance by letting her attend your daughter's birthday party but she clearly messed up and now has to face the consequences. Based on your experiences with her, you can kinda mentally prepare yourself for any negative reactions from her when you tell her to leave and perhaps beforehand practice some things you can say or do if her behavior were to escalate.

[sisterofbpd]

Hello Kwamina,

Thanks for your thoughts. I've always wondered why she would say my name like this, even before I knew about BPD or her having bipolar. I was so used to her acting mean and nasty that it took some seriously disturbing behavior for me and others around her to notice it was a mental thing. I'm sorry you experienced this as well.

I haven't heard from her since, so I should be relived. Instead I get nervous every time I get a text message until I see who it is from (silly I know)

You make a great point about how I have the time to prepare myself mentally to combat her nasty behavior.  I guess it's just, as an adult you are taught to be a good host and have manners with your guests, so I've done a ton of tounge biting.  I have to get over that, those rules need to apply to polite house guests only (no one ever teaches us how to handle mean ones ). Thank you

[Harri]

Hi sisterofBPD.  Welcome back though I am sad that you need to be here.  I understand your not wanting your sister around.  She sounds unpredictable, hostile and really nasty. 

Do you PBPD's have a thing where they say your name as nasty as they possibly can, like it's some kind of swear word?  She has always done this and it really disgusts me.

My mother did not, but my ex would.  It was awful.  The tone used conveyed contempt, anger and disgust.  A former friend did that too and with him it was more to intimidate.  It is hard to describe, but I could tell from the tone along with contextual cues that he wanted me to feel small.

I guess it's just, as an adult you are taught to be a good host and have manners with your guests, so I've done a ton of tounge biting.  I have to get over that, those rules need to apply to polite house guests only (no one ever teaches us how to handle mean ones ).

Exactly.  There is a whole different set of rules for people like your sister and the first rule is that you get to set the rules.  If you don't want her around, tell her no.  Kwamina is right when he says you can predict her behaviors and use those predictions to practice and plan on how to deal with her.  When my mother was alive, I used to practice saying things out loud.  I found that more effective than just saying them in my head. 

Good luck with this.  And remember, rules of 'good manners' do not apply to abusive people, mentally ill or not. 

[ropend]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted on this in a few years.  My sister who is 8 years older than me has been suffering extreme mental illness.  She was diagnosed with BPD as well as Schizoaffective.  I haven't really found a forum specifically for that, but many of her traits are BPD.  My sister has always been emotionally and verbally abusive to me.  Things escalated quite a bit in the past few years.  It could be due to drug use (which could have brought on the Bipolar, Schizoaffective disorder, I just don't know). She was having hallucinations about having bugs in her body as well as others that several doctors referred her to psychiatrists for help.  My bother, parents and I tried tirelessly to get her the help she needed, only to be treated in the most vile ways from her.  Not long after that she was mental health arrested in 2012 twice, once for a suicide attempt and again for going naked in public.  Throughout the whole thing she has completely denied the fact that she needs come kind of help and refuses to do as the doctors tell her.  There really is so much to this, I can't possibly type it all.

Anyway, we've have very limited contact in the past two years, and I must admit I prefer it that way.  In the past couple months, she has been trying to come over to see my DDs 9 & 11.  My kids know there is something wrong with her, and they figured this out on their own, not a smear campaign from me.  Anyway, it was DD9 bday party and my BPD sis texted me ahead of time to find out when it was (I hadn't intended on inviting her, because she always causes a scene and is nasty) not to mention, I do not want someone coming to my home and disrespecting me in front of my guests.  At the same time, about a month ago I saw her at a grad party and she seemed as normal and polite as she can be.  I never know which personality I'm going to get from her.  So I told her the date and time of the party and she came.  Sat two seats away from our mother (who she has painted black) and did not even say hello to her.  Then she sat next to DH's 87yr old Grandmother and started talking to her about death and how we all have an expiration date 

When we started opening gifts, she saw the American Girl Doll I had gotten for DD9 and wanted to take a picture of DD9 with her cell phone.  She says in the most nasty way possible, "SisterofBPD, can you get out of the picture?" That caught quite a bit of attention from my other guests, sigh. Then when she told DD11 that she has 6 cats now, DD11 asked if they could come over to see them, BPDsis goes "No, you're Mommy won't let you." First off, no way would l let them go over without me (truth be told I don't want to go there anyway) but for her to say this to DD11 and put her in a weird position really ticked me off.  I said, ":)on't put words in my mouth." Then she goes "We don't have to discuss this right now." trying to make it look like I'm the one that picked the fight.

Not sure if this is relevant, but let me first say that I am not a shallow person, I will buy things from thrift stores if need be and be happy for it.  BUT BPDsis gave DD9 a bag of used clothes for her present, not gently used clothes either.  Stuff with stains and could only be something that I'm guessing came from some kind of shelter or even someone's trash.  DD9 thanked her for them, as did I.  Then BPDsis gave DD9 a bible.  I'm not trying to get into a religious debate here, but after being raised by my mother who is a NBPD and forced us to go to church basically just for show, this is not the way I intended to raise my children.  I am teaching them to be kind, because they should be, not for the fear of God.  Anyway, she hands this to DD9 while giving me a nasty look daring me to say something about it.  Simply put, other people should not be forcing their religious beliefs on other people's children.

The Party was this past Sunday.  Last night at 9:45pm I get a text from BPDsis asking if DD9 was still awake and that she found the rest of her bday present and wanted to stop over.  I told her no, DD9 had been asleep for quite awhile.  She asked if she could stop by tonight and I said we have plans.  We do in a sense have plans, DD11 has a doctor appt. then we have to do dinner, homework showers and bed.  BPDsis plans to drop this off on our front step and I am really hoping to avoid her completely. 

Then she texts me again (I could just tell she was trying to pick a fight with me and I wasn't taking the bait).  She says "Next year, I would like to be invited to the dance recital (last one she came to she caused a scene) and to DD's kid party only, not the family party, I'd rather watch the kids having fun that be in a room with people who can't stand me."  Last time I invited her to the kid party, she went out to her car and got stoned, then came into the kid party and told all the parents that were there that she got stoned.  I replied back with BPDsis, I'm in bed, goodnight (trying to practice medium chill).  She replies: "Goodnight " and another text with my name in all caps "SISTEROFBPD"

I know this is long, I just really needed to vent to people who understand.  Do you PBPD's have a thing where they say your name as nasty as they possibly can, like it's some kind of swear word?  She has always done this and it really disgusts me.

I'm trying to build up my courage to tell her to leave if she shows up and is disrespectful to me.  Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

Thank you,

sisterofBPD

My Aunt may have suffered from BPD.


I'd consider holding future birthdays in a location your sister doesn't know the location of and only communicate with her through e-mail.

[Louise7777]

Hi SisterofBPD!

Im sorry for your situation. Id like to give you my 0,02 as a niece of an uBPD.

From what you said, I understand she made of of your kids her golden child. The other one is probably being ignored by her. If thats true, be very careful, this may create resentment among the kids.

I was my aunts GC for some years, maybe until I was 10 years old. Then I guess she didnt like something in me and painted me black (probably realized I wasnt so easily manipulated as my mum, her enabler and servant). So then she painted me black and treated me in sadistic ways when nobody was around. And yes, she called me by my name with lot of despise and anger in it. Nowadays she doesnt even say my name anymore, ignores my birthdays and sends me the cheapest gift she can find on Christmas.

She´s a raging type, throws tantrums when things dont go her way (she´s in her 80´s and behaves like a 3 year old). Im NC for maybe 2 years, meet her for family gatherings once a year and practice medium chill.

So please PLEASE, dont let your kids be exposed to such behaviour. My aunt was (still is, of course) extremely jealous and given the opportunity, will turn kids against the parents. I dont know if she´s BPD only, but I see some strong N traits and sadistic behaviour is a constant. Dividing and conquer was something she always enjoyed. Please be very careful!

[sisterofbpd]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this!

She sounds unpredictable, hostile and really nasty.

Very much so, I'm sick of her roller coaster of drama!

In regards to saying your name in an evil manner:

My mother did not, but my ex would.  It was awful.  The tone used conveyed contempt, anger and disgust.  A former friend did that too and with him it was more to intimidate.  It is hard to describe, but I could tell from the tone along with contextual cues that he wanted me to feel small.

I'm sorry you experienced this as well.  This really bothers me, and has taken me awhile to wrap my head around.  I want to say something to her about it the next time she does it, as if it would help... .

 

And remember, rules of 'good manners' do not apply to abusive people, mentally ill or not.

This I'm going to have to remember, it's hard to make yourself act in a way that is not typical for you.

I'd consider holding future birthdays in a location your sister doesn't know the location of and only communicate with her through e-mail.

I didn't intend to invite her this time, she texted me asking.  After this behavior and the fact that she said "She wants to be invited to the kid party only (which will never happen again)" She will not be invited.  If she wants to acknowledge their bday's, she can come over on her own when I do not have guests, and I will tell her that she needs to be on her best behavior.  Not sure if that would work, have any of you set a boundary quite like that, where you told your PBPD before they show, that if they don't behave they will have to leave.

From what you said, I understand she made of of your kids her golden child. The other one is probably being ignored by her. If thats true, be very careful, this may create resentment among the kids.

I was my aunts GC for some years, maybe until I was 10 years old. Then I guess she didnt like something in me and painted me black (probably realized I wasnt so easily manipulated as my mum, her enabler and servant). So then she painted me black and treated me in sadistic ways when nobody was around. And yes, she called me by my name with lot of despise and anger in it. Nowadays she doesnt even say my name anymore, ignores my birthdays and sends me the cheapest gift she can find on Christmas.

She´s a raging type, throws tantrums when things dont go her way (she´s in her 80´s and behaves like a 3 year old). Im NC for maybe 2 years, meet her for family gatherings once a year and practice medium chill.

So please PLEASE, dont let your kids be exposed to such behaviour. My aunt was (still is, of course) extremely jealous and given the opportunity, will turn kids against the parents. I dont know if she´s BPD only, but I see some strong N traits and sadistic behaviour is a constant. Dividing and conquer was something she always enjoyed. Please be very careful!

She's actually made both of my girls her Golden Child.  I'm sure that will change over time, however I do intend to keep her away from me and them as much as possible.  I'm talking maybe only seeing her 4 times a year if that.  I'm sorry you went through that with your Aunt

I have no doubt that she will try to get in touch with them as they get older and try to turn them against me and DH, I've known this for years.  They do both have cell phones, but I have forbidden them to tell BPDSis.  They understand, at least my older one does for the most part that she has serious issues and she is not to even know that they have a cell phone.  It's only a manner of time before she finds out though.  I guess if that happens, we'll just have to change their numbers, if she gets it. Sigh.

It's like after she was diagnosed Schizo-affective and BPD, I was able to handle, (I can't say accept because I won't accept her abuse like I did when I was a teen) the fact that she has issues.  The contact between her and I has been so limited, that when we do have very occasional contact, it's like a trigger.

[libbyjane]

I've received such messages from my sister like this many a time, with additional vulgar name-calling and threats against me. I had to set up a blocker on my phone. They just upset me too much. The less I have to do with her the better.

Can someone explain the SET technique that was mentioned? Or where I could find info about it.

Cheers.

[sisterofbpd]

I found this on the SET technique.  I think I'm beyond this as I wish to have no communication with her at all.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0