How do they feel about NC?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just wondering how they feel about us going NC? I never thought she will contact me after she left but it happened... .Ive been NC and let me tell you all, its the hardest thing I've ever done in life it takes so much energy from you.

How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''?

[bunnysc]

Just wondering how they feel about us going NC? I never thought she will contact me after she left but it happened... .Ive been NC and let me tell you all, its the hardest thing I've ever done in life it takes so much energy from you.

How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''?

[Algae]

Just wondering how they feel about us going NC? I never thought she will contact me after she left but it happened... .Ive been NC and let me tell you all, its the hardest thing I've ever done in life it takes so much energy from you.

How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''?

Just my opinion...

I feel that at first they don't care.  They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you.  They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the ___ hits the fan.  They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them.  But if you're n/c... then that Scares them.  It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything.

I assume at first they're happy without you.  Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc.  It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care.  And when they see that, they freak out.


BASICALLY... IF you want them back.  GO N/C.  If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C.  If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C.  Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done.

[bunnysc]

Just my opinion...

I feel that at first they don't care.  They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you.  They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the  please read               | hits the fan.  They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them.  But if you're n/c... then that Scares them.  It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything.

I assume at first they're happy without you.  Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc.  It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care.  And when they see that, they freak out.


BASICALLY... IF you want them back.  GO N/C.  If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C.  If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C.  Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done.

Thanks, thats very well explained! In my case it was in the 2-3 months... .After she was having her life , replacements, and going out with random people... .

Out of no where now she wants to see me after all the   life she had or is having, god its so shocking. So basically if you go back to the black hole it will be just worse  :'(. Makes me feel sick, depressed (If I am not feeling like s*&*  depressed already).

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?  

[fred6]

.  It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care.  And when they see that, they freak out.


BASICALLY... IF you want them back.  GO N/C.  If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C.  If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C.  Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done.

Hahaha, That's classic Algae. You got some good $hit (Who's number is this? still LMFAO). Anyhow, I would agree with all of the above. I think that if you actually DON'T want them back. Really piss them off for a couple weeks and then go NC and stay NC. But what do I know? I'm a BPD r/s virgin, ... .

[fred6]

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?  

I don't know about anyone else. But for me, I just want the person that I accept and love to accept and love me back equally. I understand that this person is disordered and not capable of true adult love. However, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to digest and process.

[pieceofme]

How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''?

my ex repeatedly texts, "why are you ignoring me?" "i guess you're just gonna ignore me now" or some variation on that theme. in his case, it's perfectly acceptable and justifiable for him to ignore me, but he can't stand a dose of his own medicine.

[bunnysc]

I don't know about anyone else. But for me, I just want the person that I accept and love to accept and love me back equally. I understand that this person is disordered and not capable of true adult love. However, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to digest and process.

Well but didn't she loved you first, or she never did? Cause in my case she seemed to love me A LOT, I was everything for her, she did everything with me, we were like pasted together. I even had to wait for her to go to sleep at night cause otherwise she told to please not leave her until she was asleep.

Maybe it was a very intense idealization phase, but I mean intense!

Funny it was how I was her everything, but in a matter of hours or days she invented a plan to go and meet her ''Friends''... .And by that I mean she wanted to go and sleep to a friends (Girl) house... .Supposedly her best friend...  

[bunnysc]

my ex repeatedly texts, "why are you ignoring me?" "i guess you're just gonna ignore me now" or some variation on that theme. in his case, it's perfectly acceptable and justifiable for him to ignore me, but he can't stand a dose of his own medicine.

I got the same thing... .''Will you never talk to me again'' ''Everything ended badly, i want to see you and talk to you'' ''Everything I said was a lie. I just wanted to be alone'' (Cause apparently I treated her badly)  heck yeah I agree I was so mad at times maybe I didn't act the best way but her passive aggressive medicine was horrendous!...

[fromheeltoheal]

None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true.  

So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again.  If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing.  Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach.

And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general.  As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution.  It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been.

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?

Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers.  These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved?  Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable?  :)igging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that.  Hmmm, something to think about... .

[bunnysc]

None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true. 

So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again.  If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing.  Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach.

And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general.  As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution.  It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been.

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?

Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers.  These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved?  Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable?  Digging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that.  Hmmm, something to think about... .

Thanks for such great info, really appreciate that. It once again demonstrates that we have to keep NC and move on.SOMETHING which is so hard.

In my case, something that makes it  very hard to move one is that she never raged at me or yelled at me heck she never treated me bad!

But she had things which were mortal, I think even worse than being raged at, yelled at... .I would have preferred to be with a crazy girl who yelled at me raged at me or even tried to hit me who knows. In that case I would've had a clear picture that she was totally crazy and that I had to GO!

But she was just passive aggressive, she just wouldn't answer the phone or out of the blues just tell me she was going to a friends house... (By that I mean she would just disconnect and lived her life like if I didn't existed. And she didn't like me to call her when she was with her friends, so imagine what a nightmare it was... .Off course I was thinking the worse possible things in my head... .

One of the last episodes when she was replacing me, she invented that she had to go to friends house to do some work of a business she was getting in to. WHAT A BIG LIE, and there I was like stu*&id being replaced... Triangulated if thats the correct word Jeeezz

[tim_tom]

Well but didn't she loved you first, or she never did? Cause in my case she seemed to love me A LOT, I was everything for her, she did everything with me, we were like pasted together. I even had to wait for her to go to sleep at night cause otherwise she told to please not leave her until she was asleep.

Maybe it was a very intense idealization phase, but I mean intense!

Funny it was how I was her everything, but in a matter of hours or days she invented a plan to go and meet her ''Friends''... .And by that I mean she wanted to go and sleep to a friends (Girl) house... .Supposedly her best friend...  

Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human

[bunnysc]

Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human

Very needy yes! just messed up how they can do the same stuff they did with us with the new person so fast. Basically we are swapped, but come on deep inside they must feel ''being used'' by another guy there must be something or a    inside of them saying ''What I am doing is not right''

[freedom33]

I saw my cousin yesterday and interacted with her 3 year old daughter. When I was about to leave my cousin said to her daughter 'give uncle freedom33 a kiss'. She said no. After she said that , I said 'I don't want a kiss' - then she looked at me surprised and changed her response 'I will give you a kiss but later'. I said I don't want a kiss later I will tell you when I want one but I don't want one right now and then the little girl started kind of panicking and said 'no, no I will give you a kiss, I will give you a kiss'.

The whole incidence reminded me the dynamics with my 38 year old ex who is also trapped in that age. You go NC and they want you back, you gain massive respect in their eyes because they can't have you. So basically they are trapped in a no-win scenario they are directing and playing for themselves and unfortunately you are in the same movie co-staring. When they have you they don't want you, when they can't have you because of NC they desperately want you back.

I have been NC for 2 months. I have tried not to trigger my ex during our rs by using SET etc. so she never engaged in extreme behaviours but as suddenly I decided I had enough and went NC she fell of the clouds - didn't see that coming at all - and her real desperation showed. Suffice to say that after I said to never contact me again she tried everything and I had to block her from every communication platform available to man. Now she is creating fake profiles to contact me. We could have had it all and it amounts to this... .Me performing a psychic amputation and cutting a part of me/her out of my life. Tragic.

[Deeno02]

Just my opinion...

I feel that at first they don't care.  They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you.  They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the  please read hits the fan.  They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them.  But if you're n/c... then that Scares them.  It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything.

I assume at first they're happy without you.  Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc.  It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care.  And when they see that, they freak out.


BASICALLY... IF you want them back.  GO N/C.  If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C.  If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C.  Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done.

Thanks, thats very well explained! In my case it was in the 2-3 months... .After she was having her life , replacements, and going out with random people... .

Out of no where now she wants to see me after all the   life she had or is having, god its so shocking. So basically if you go back to the black hole it will be just worse  :'(. Makes me feel sick, depressed (If I am not feeling like s*&*  depressed already).

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?  

Mine moved on the next day. Dropped my stuff off on the porch. Hanging and banging with the new guy. Dumped about a month ago, NC times 13 days. I think shes done with me... .

[fred6]

Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human

Very needy yes! just messed up how they can do the same stuff they did with us with the new person so fast. Basically we are swapped, but come on deep inside they must feel ''being used'' by another guy there must be something or a    inside of them saying ''What I am doing is not right''

I don't know about that. I'm NC, but she cut me off from everything. I'm blacker than black right now. I don't think that they know right from wrong. Or maybe they do and just don't give a fcuk. I do know one thing though, this is some messed up stuff. Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in. I mean do these people see life like cartoons when they open their eyes in the morning?

[bunnysc]

I don't know about that. I'm NC, but she cut me off from everything. I'm blacker than black right now. I don't think that they know right from wrong. Or maybe they do and just don't give a fcuk. I do know one thing though, this is some messed up stuff. Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in. I mean do these people see life like cartoons when they open their eyes in the morning?

Man ... .I don't know, but from my experience with my past is that they just go with the flow of the day, whatever comes... .No respect for anything, from what I've seen they just DO stuff, always trying to be with someone, hang around and just put blankets on problems or situations and move on... .(They don't have the ability to think or act correctly)

If I tell you how many times I broke up with her... It was like 50 in 1.5 years... I WAS THE ONE doing it cause of the   's... .Problem was I always took her back cause I never had the power to really drop her... .UNTIL 1 day she dropped me for good how messed up... .BLACK BLACK BLACK

Until recently I've been painted kinda white I guess, just keeping NC... .I just want to  to another place jeeez... But I also have the feeling for her   ... .Why do I have to go through all this NON SENSE living GOD HELP ME 

[Waifed]

Try to think back to the beginning of your relationship with your BPD. How did they act?  Mine left her bf for me. She was very upset about leaving him and tried to talk me out of our relationship (delaying it) until she could walk away from him. Red flag today but at the time I respected what she was doing. She probably didn't leave him like she told me and it probably dragged on for a while. She talked about him and others during our entire relationship. She did not talk bad about her exes. So does she think about me?  Certainly. It use to drive me crazy wondering. It doesn't matter though now that I am in a better place.

[bunnysc]

Yes Waifed, indeed she was with someone when she met me or recently drop him for me... (But that guy was just a random replacement for a short time. She always talked bad about her Ex's (I mean the ones who she spent more time) how they treated her bad and cheat on her... .But I have no idea about that...

I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? 

[hurting300]

None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true.  

So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again.  If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing.  Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach.

And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general.  As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution.  It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been.

I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why?

Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers.  These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved?  Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable?  :)igging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that.  Hmmm, something to think about... .

why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them...

[fromheeltoheal]

Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in.

My ex was very religious for years too, which I give her credit for, she was in pain, looking for answers, and turning to religion, one of a few positive places she turned, which was a whole lot better than camping on a bar stool somewhere and self-medicating IMO.  She heard a lot of stuff at church that she would then parrot, and was trying as hard as she could to assimilate it as her own, which did help, she lived a fairly conventional life and took care of her kids, although there was still a lot of raging, random trysts, and the things borderlines get up to.  She was looking for answers, she just didn't find the right ones, which as we know would have come out of long term specialized therapy; maybe she's done that today, there's a sweetheart in there under all the crap, and I hope she finds some long term happy and content somewhere.

[fromheeltoheal]

why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them...

Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment.  A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development.  Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us.  So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own.  So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young.  All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that.  Hope that helps a little.

[drummerboy]

This is a really interesting thread. Of course its impossible to know what is going on inside another persons head but for me the whole silent treatment thing smacks of really immature behaviour. When my ex ended it  she said she needed space before we could be "just friends" there was no contact for a few weeks and then I wrote her an email, a very loving email that ended with a simple question "do you want to be friends or not? If you say no I will respect that and never bother you again" After about 6 weeks of not getting any reply I emailed saying, ":)on't ever contact me, I don't want you in my life in any way, I don't think you are a very nice person" Another few months went by and after Robin Williams died I sent another email simply asking how she was doing... .no reply and then a final email saying "it's obvious you don't want any contact, just wanted to say goodbye properly, thanks for the great times, wishing you all the best for the future" Of course, no reply. She confided to a mutual friend that she had a horrible 6 months getting over me. The thing I don't get is that all through the r/s she kept getting me to promise that if we ever split up she wanted to remain best friends (we shared many common interests), she said this again and again. But now, nothing. Maybe my "don't contact me again" email was the straw that broke the camels back but it is still mystifying how she could go from total idolisation of me one minute to painting me 100% black the next. Well adjusted people could not do that, they would at least mail and say "Please leave me alone" But she has never said anything like that, just total silence. The illness wins!

[hurting300]

why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them...

Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment.  A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development.  Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us.  So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own.  So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young.  All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that.  Hope that helps a little.

so them leaving us doesn't trigger it?

[Deeno02]

why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them...

Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment.  A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development.  Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us.  So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own.  So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young.  All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that.  Hope that helps a little.

so them leaving us doesn't trigger it?

Thats why they usually strike first...

[bunnysc]

Thats why they usually strike first...

Mine never left me, I was the one who always ended the RS    's... .But who knows if she was cheating on me... .you know ''WAIF''

[fromheeltoheal]

so them leaving us doesn't trigger it?

Going back to abandonment, which is the focus for a borderline, we can give the impression that we've already left, or are about to, by doing something as simple as settling into the relationship and becoming a little comfortable, which someone with the disorder can interpret as us checking out, because it contrasts the intensity that marked the beginning of the relationship.  Whether or not that interpretation has any basis is reality is irrelevant; a borderline's feeling are their reality, regardless of how skewed it may be.  So as a preemptive move they may leave first, so as to not be left, and find a new attachment, or turn to one or a few that are already in place.  Think about it: if your whole world revolves around fear of abandonment, you'll create as many attachments as you need to, to feel safe if one fails.

Also, remember borderlines feel everything intensely, there is no volume knob on their emotions, and the relationships they enter are unsustainable due to the way the disorder works, so at some point we become triggering instead of soothing, like we were in the beginning, which has little or nothing to do with our behavior and us in general, unless we've done something blatant like cheated on our ex or abandoned them already and we're in a recycle.  Anyway, in order to feel better, borderlines are all about need, it may feel better to leave the relationship, plus someone who's development was arrested young isn't capable of really connecting with how we feel, it's all about them, always.  Plus, there's a lot of shame in there usually, so instead of let you see the shame and come clean, something that would feel like the walls collapsing on a borderline's world, they bail.  So a borderline leaves because they're triggered, not the other way around.

[Waifed]

Yes Waifed, indeed she was with someone when she met me or recently drop him for me... (But that guy was just a random replacement for a short time. She always talked bad about her Ex's (I mean the ones who she spent more time) how they treated her bad and cheat on her... .But I have no idea about that...

I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? 

Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself.  Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7.

[bunnysc]

Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself.  Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7.

Thanks, I am trying to do that its just terrifying and hard to do. I don't know if its because she has contacted me or not... .But I am starting to think if she even is BPD and if I am the crazy one. But her actions really puts her in the BPD scale... .Fear of abandonment, always looking to be around people, lies, etc

[Waifed]

Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself.  Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7.

Thanks, I am trying to do that its just terrifying and hard to do. I don't know if its because she has contacted me or not... .But I am starting to think if she even is BPD and if I am the crazy one. But her actions really puts her in the BPD scale... .Fear of abandonment, always looking to be around people, lies, etc

I too went through the stage of feeling like I was the one that was borderline. In fact I was carrying heavy BPD traits at the end of the relationship. I have wondered if the way I felt them was how she felt most of the time. So much of her was projected on to me at this point. These feelings will subside as you come out of the FOG and the depression lifts. It really started getting better at 5-6 months and it took me about 8 months for it all to go away. Im sure this varies for everyone, but it is refreshing when it happens. You will find it hard to duplicate the feelings you had previously. In fact, my biggest regret was not keeping a consistent journal of my thoughts and feelings throughout my recovery. Journaling really does wonders. I felt so much better after I expressed my thoughts on paper.

[bunnysc]

I too went through the stage of feeling like I was the one that was borderline. In fact I was carrying heavy BPD traits at the end of the relationship. I have wondered if the way I felt them was how she felt most of the time. So much of her was projected on to me at this point. These feelings will subside as you come out of the FOG and the depression lifts. It really started getting better at 5-6 months and it took me about 8 months for it all to go away. Im sure this varies for everyone, but it is refreshing when it happens. You will find it hard to duplicate the feelings you had previously. In fact, my biggest regret was not keeping a consistent journal of my thoughts and feelings throughout my recovery. Journaling really does wonders. I felt so much better after I expressed my thoughts on paper.

Thanks so much for your words Waifed!