Poll: Why do we not care that they have had sex with others?

[jammo1989]

I just wanted to bring this up, because i feel that maybe the majority of us use their illness as an excuse, why the hell would you want to go back to a person after they have had sex with someone else? I find it really hard to understand, because, in a non (healthy relationship) we would be more strict on this kind of behaviour, maybe im wrong, but when you really think about it, why do people say i dont care that shes slept with others behind my back, is it co dependancy issues or?

[bungenstein]

Whoever says that is desperately pathetic and is asking to be beaten into the ground by these women

[Blimblam]

I just wanted to bring this up, because i feel that maybe the majority of us use their illness as an excuse, why the hell would you want to go back to a person after they have had sex with someone else? I find it really hard to understand, because, in a non (healthy relationship) we would be more strict on this kind of behaviour, maybe im wrong, but when you really think about it, why do people say i dont care that shes slept with others behind my back, is it co dependancy issues or?

I cared. I cared more about the disrespect and lying.

I can't just stop caring about her I bonded the Essence of my soul to hers. Then i watched her get lost and vanish before my eyes. She didn't see me anymore. I was standin right there in front of her but she didn't see me anymore.

[BlackandBlue]

I was thinking the exact same thing earlier today. I read about people recycling on these forums and I don't think I could knowing she's been with other guys... .just can't do it. It really makes me sad knowing she's been with others guys since we broke up. I don't know why I think about it but I do  :'(

[hope2727]

I care. His cheating crushed my soul. It was why I fell in love with him (in Part) he couldn't lie and didn't cheat. He would stutter and blush when he tried to lie. Even about a surprise party for my birthday. His ex wife of 20  years cheated extensively so he was really adamant that there was fidelity. For more than a year he was wonderful.

Then BOOM. Changed jobs and turned into a monster. Started mirroring his 'best' friend who is the biggest narcissist that I have ever met. It was a horror show unfolding before my eyes. I saw him change back and forth between my beloved and a dangerous stranger.

I care. I will not tolerate infidelity. He has left me and I am learning as much as I can but its a deal breaker for me.

We all deserve to be respected and that includes fidelity.

[bunnysc]

I do think about it and to be honest it kills me, even more than thinking the RS is over... .its just so sad how easy they can go to bed have sex with another ... .

[Blimblam]

I care. His cheating crushed my soul. It was why I fell in love with him (in Part) he couldn't lie and didn't cheat. He would stutter and blush when he tried to lie. Even about a surprise party for my birthday. His ex wife of 20  years cheated extensively so he was really adamant that there was fidelity. For more than a year he was wonderful.

Then BOOM. Changed jobs and turned into a monster. Started mirroring his 'best' friend who is the biggest narcissist that I have ever met. It was a horror show unfolding before my eyes. I saw him change back and forth between my beloved and a dangerous stranger.

I care. I will not tolerate infidelity. He has left me and I am learning as much as I can but its a deal breaker for me.

We all deserve to be respected and that includes fidelity.

I know exactly how you feel. That moment they start to mirror a bad influence and your just like "noo ! These people don't care about your well being.

[Louise7777]

I didnt have a romantic r/s with a BPD, although I dated briefly an uNPD and I know at least he was looking for other sources while with me. I ended it cause my needs werent being met (very selfish guy, as you can imagine).

I read some story on another forum and would like to share it briefly here. I dont know if its co-dependence or something else. The guy was married to an uBPD woman and they got married. Had 1 kid. Then she left him, came back and she was pregnant. From another guy. He acepted. Kid was born, after some time, she leaves again and comes back pregnant by another guy. Again, he takes her back. Now he has 3 kids, but 2 arent his biologically speaking. And he is still struggling, because shes behaving worse and worse... .

I couldnt figure that, if you guys have any comments, Id appreciate. He sounded broken, it was very sad, but he was still mesmerized by her. I really dont know what that is... .

[caughtnreleased]

I have struggled with the cheating question all my adult life. I was crazy jealous in my first relationship.  If he even did anything that might "shame" me, I was ready to dump him.  Then, my second boyfriend, I wasn't jealous at all... .and the minute he started triangulating with some girl... .I disconnected and lost respect for him.  Then I met my BPD... .when I broke up with him, he went on what sounded like a self destructive sex binge. I think I was the replacement from his relationship that was not yet over... as I later found out.  I'd seen him dissociate during sex, and I'd seen women aggressively persue him, and other women (waitresses in a bar) ask him if he needed help to get these aggressive women off him. So sex with him... .was a whole other can of worms, that seemed to somehow perpetuate his cycle of abuse. When we recycled, he cheated on me with his ex  (although if we go by the "rules" we never agreed to be exclusive so he didn't really.)... .but cheating etc, is not really the problem. Because if the person was someone that I care deeply for, and who cared deeply for me, and someone who wanted to look out for me and me him... .well we could surmount the problem, agree that there were problems, talk about them, resolve them and continue. People make mistakes, and I can accept this. But with a BPD, it's different, because they doN't learn from their mistakes. They repeat them, over and over and over and over again.  My BPDex was a liar... .he lied about EVERYTHING... .EVERYTHING! Small, big, and medium.  He lied about how many girlfriends he'd had in his life, he lied about what people meant to him, he lied about what he was doing that night (once someone from his country asked him how he's spend the evening before as it had been a big national holiday in his country... .he lied and said he'd celebrated the holidya with a party, and later told me he'd just stayed at home and watched a movie and felt pathetic).  So THAT was the fundamental problem.  Not just cheating... .but that whatever came out of his mouth what just a big pile of S HIT.

[Blimblam]

I didnt have a romantic r/s with a BPD, although I dated briefly an uNPD and I know at least he was looking for other sources while with me. I ended it cause my needs werent being met (very selfish guy, as you can imagine).

I read some story on another forum and would like to share it briefly here. I dont know if its co-dependence or something else. The guy was married to an uBPD woman and they got married. Had 1 kid. Then she left him, came back and she was pregnant. From another guy. He acepted. Kid was born, after some time, she leaves again and comes back pregnant by another guy. Again, he takes her back. Now he has 3 kids, but 2 arent his biologically speaking. And he is still struggling, because shes behaving worse and worse... .

I couldnt figure that, if you guys have any comments, Id appreciate. He sounded broken, it was very sad, but he was still mesmerized by her. I really dont know what that is... .

The attachment durring the idealization phase after a certain point with a borderline is authentic. I don't know If there is anything that really compares to it it feels like the best drug ever. You can say with a narc or psychopath they idealize and mirror but with a borderline it is very very different it's like they become your inner child and pornstar.

[Whiteytheox72]

Its called blinding addiction infatuation love that happens. Be grateful you heard about sleeping with others. I had to hear about the seduction and sleeping with 71 year old senior citizen cousin. She even tried to explain why. Damaged little girl trapped in a 44 year old womans body that is very ill in the mind. Heartbreaking and left me numb. Can never fathom or comprehend that. Lots of sleepless nights and tears... .

[blissful_camper]

I cared.  Infidelity is no bueno when a couple has agreed to monogamy.  I don't allow others to put my health at risk. 

[ajr5679]

When she started cheating I was already addicted to her. if she was not around me or in my life I went through withdraws. when she left me the first time I wish I would of never went back but I did and I was in hell for eight months because of my addiction. the last time we was together I was more healthier than I was before. so this time I am a lot better. it was not love. by her and I don`t know if it was love on my part

[Tiepje3]

I don't even know if uBPD/NPDstbxh slept with the replacement. He took her on a motorcycle ride without telling me, later saying that it was 'just for fun'. That was even worse than having slept with her, because that was the hobby/passion that WE used to share.

He later admitted he went out for coffee with her as well, on numerous occasions. Whenever I asked about it, he would admit it and say that he was being honest about it, wasn't he? Well... .to not tell beforehand and to only answer honestly AFTER I asked a question about it, is lying/cheating in my opinion.

The last straw was when I 'accidentally' received a Skype message meant for her, in which he declared that he loved her. Even though I don't know if he's slept with her or where he stayed the past two months before his new apartment was ready is a no-no for me. I do not tolerate infidelity, I certainly do not tolerate emotional infidelity, because that's even worse in my eyes.

So I do care. It is the reason for me to NEVER take him back. I could have recycled one more time, but not now there's someone else involved.

[camuse]

I didn't know until afterwards, I certainly did care - but I cared more about the lies and deceit, than the penis-massaging.

[irishmarmot]

How can you trust someone to watch your back when they are sleeping with someone else?   The lies, the deceit and lack of respect.   I'm glad my partner wBPD is gone.  There are so many women that will love you and be faithful.   

[Caredverymuch]

I care. His cheating crushed my soul. It was why I fell in love with him (in Part) he couldn't lie and didn't cheat. He would stutter and blush when he tried to lie. Even about a surprise party for my birthday. His ex wife of 20  years cheated extensively so he was really adamant that there was fidelity.

It was a horror show unfolding before my eyes. I saw him change back and forth between my beloved and a dangerous stranger.

I care. I will not tolerate infidelity. He has left me and I am learning as much as I can but its a deal breaker for me.

My case as well.  He was so waif like, sincere, and adamant about being  hurt in a prior r/s due to infidelity.  We talked so openly about all of this.  How trust is everything. How much it hurts to be lied to. Cheated on.  He made me promise him almost daily I would never do this to him.  Which of course I has no intention of. Ever. I loved him and was entirely his. 

When I found out he was sleeping w his then ex, that was the deal breaker for me. I was floored.  Shocked.  He went to such great tender soft lengths to assure my fidelity and unwavering  commitment to him while explicitly telling me he had full commitment in the same way to me. How he was not a man that could ever be anything but monogamous.  Deeply and entirely committed. 

I was floored. Sick to my stomach thinking he had been w someone else while with me. Horrified.

He bcame an incredible stranger to me.

A lier.

And I cared very much that he shared himself that way w another.

I never let him touch me again.

[jammo1989]

I care. His cheating crushed my soul. It was why I fell in love with him (in Part) he couldn't lie and didn't cheat. He would stutter and blush when he tried to lie. Even about a surprise party for my birthday. His ex wife of 20  years cheated extensively so he was really adamant that there was fidelity.

It was a horror show unfolding before my eyes. I saw him change back and forth between my beloved and a dangerous stranger.

I care. I will not tolerate infidelity. He has left me and I am learning as much as I can but its a deal breaker for me.

My case as well.  He was so waif like, sincere, and adamant about being  hurt in a prior r/s due to infidelity.  We talked so openly about all of this.  How trust is everything. How much it hurts to be lied to. Cheated on.  He made me promise him almost daily I would never do this to him.  Which of course I has no intention of. Ever. I loved him and was entirely his. 

When I found out he was sleeping w his then ex, that was the deal breaker for me. I was floored.  Shocked.  He went to such great tender soft lengths to assure my fidelity and unwavering  commitment to him while explicitly telling me he had full commitment in the same way to me. How he was not a man that could ever be anything but monogamous.  Deeply and entirely committed. 

I was floored. Sick to my stomach thinking he had been w someone else while with me. Horrified.

He bcame an incredible stranger to me.

A lier.

And I cared very much that he shared himself that way w another.

I never let him touch me again.

In pretty much all cases when a person constantly needs reasurence or accusing you of cheating 9 times out of 10 they have something to hide and their guilt floats to the surface.  Not only would i ever go back to someone whos slept with someone else after me, but i in a lot of your cases i would refuse to even communicate with someone who put me in the friendzone, they do that to keep you as a back burner, your not their priority, your just a choice to them.

I also want to point out that, we can show our empathy on these boards we can say i love them, i care, does she think or me? I did everything for her?  Well i hate to be so blunt, but we never mattered to them, i know in our hearts we think we did but they didnt.  Im mot saying we should just be numb like them, but what i am saying is, they use and abuse as survival methods.  We didnt mean anything to these creatures, yewh it might hurt, but we need to face the truth on this matter, and the lies, oh my god, i saw how my ex lied to her ex husband of 8 years, it was disgusting! He was the crying, pleading thpe, had to text her (they have 2 kids together) and he would not stop calling and texting her.  I remember when me and ex were having sex on my bed, she was on top and the her mobile rang, she was like ffs its d ick head again, she reached for her phone and answered it while still penetrating, he was like where are you, i know your with him, and she said no kyle im actually at Kims (her best mates) looking food bye.  That lie within itself is disgusting, she used to lie to her ex all the time about me, and she lied to me after we broke up, 2 months into her replacment and she still hides him from me, i hate them, yeah i know its a mental illness, but its sick!

[Unconditionally]

This happened to me for the first time just last week.

We have been back together officially for a couple of weeks following a two month breakup... .the first few weeks of which were almost NC, at least from her side.  She turned the lightswitch off and that was it, pushed me away with no coming back, from what she said.  I got replaced quickly with what was basically an online relationship, although she claims there was never any emotional attachment there. 

As the weeks went by we started to see each other fairly regularly again.  I think the guy online started showing his true colours, and by some of the comments and critisisms he'd started giving to her, it was clear he had absoltuely no clue about the nature of BPD and told her it was being used as an excuse for illogical behaviour... .which started to make her feel really bad about herself. 

So we continued to see each other more and more, until we got to the stage of spending every night together on the sofa - nothing physical aside from a kiss goodnight.  She had decided to become celibate following our breakup, and I believe she stuck with that.  We had a couple of sexual encounters together, from memory we may have been drinking on each occassion; but no intercourse. 

A couple more weeks passed, and we'd moved to sleeping in bed together each night, and shortly afterward she asked if I wanted to get back together, as it "wouldn't really be any different any way". Of course I said yes; it's all I'd wanted since we separated and all I'd worked towards - I knew I was the cause of our breakup as I was going through a heavy bout of depression without seeking any treatment and it severely impacted the relationship and the committment I showed to her, and I made no effort to really explain what was going on and pinned it all on work related stress, which in truth was only a small part of it.  In a much better place now, and I believe I'm back in a position to support her in every way she needs. 

So things were looking good. Had basically moved back in with her, with plans to get my stuff and get my name on the house and bills etc, some real signs of committment from both parties.  But then last week we went out for a drink with her ex boyfriend - not quite as weird as you'd think as they have several mutual friends and their relationship lasted only around a month before he left her - so in my mind there was no real threat there, and we seemed to be working at things to become stronger.  After a few drinks at the bar, we all went back to ours to continue drinking.  For the long version of what happened, see my introduction post.  Short version - I went to bed because I had work the next day.  The were still up when I got up in the morning.  Said our goodbyes and I love you's, and went to work.

She had work later that day, so I figured she'd be going to sleep pretty soon after I went to work.  I got home, and she had gone home early from work already.  She had just showered, and the bedsheets were in the washing machine.  She came through to the lounge, told me to sit down, and proceeded to break down.  She told me she's never been so depressed in her life and she's really struggling with her BPD... .and that she slept with her ex after I'd gone to work.  Begging me not to leave her, her pleaing and apologies seemed genuine enough for me to instantly comfort her dispite how heartbroken I was.  She said it was a horrible experience and it made her realise it's me and only me she loves.  I couldn't blame her for potentially having doubts - whilst I have been 110% better than I was while we still together, I know I caused some real damage with my previous attitude and what must have seemed like a complete lack of care or compassion. 

So I'm forgiving her.  If she really is in as dark of a place as she tells me she is - and I do think her claims are sincere - then I can accept what happened and move on.  She said there'll be minimum contact with him from now on, which in the past week she has stuck to.  I'm still making ammends for what I did before and forgiveness will have to become part of that. 


ajr5679 - your comment really hits home.  It's the first time I've experienced an addiction to somebody and a genuine feeling of withdrawal when we have broken up in the past... .it overwhelms me and gives me this drive like nothing else to do what it takes to make things work, and forget almost completely the negative aspects of a relationship with a pwBPD.  I've had many relationships in the past, both short term and long term, but never with a pwBPD before.  What is it that makes me crave her so badly? 

[jammo1989]

This happened to me for the first time just last week.

We have been back together officially for a couple of weeks following a two month breakup... .the first few weeks of which were almost NC, at least from her side.  She turned the lightswitch off and that was it, pushed me away with no coming back, from what she said.  I got replaced quickly with what was basically an online relationship, although she claims there was never any emotional attachment there. 

As the weeks went by we started to see each other fairly regularly again.  I think the guy online started showing his true colours, and by some of the comments and critisisms he'd started giving to her, it was clear he had absoltuely no clue about the nature of BPD and told her it was being used as an excuse for illogical behaviour... .which started to make her feel really bad about herself. 

So we continued to see each other more and more, until we got to the stage of spending every night together on the sofa - nothing physical aside from a kiss goodnight.  She had decided to become celibate following our breakup, and I believe she stuck with that.  We had a couple of sexual encounters together, from memory we may have been drinking on each occassion; but no intercourse. 

A couple more weeks passed, and we'd moved to sleeping in bed together each night, and shortly afterward she asked if I wanted to get back together, as it "wouldn't really be any different any way". Of course I said yes; it's all I'd wanted since we separated and all I'd worked towards - I knew I was the cause of our breakup as I was going through a heavy bout of depression without seeking any treatment and it severely impacted the relationship and the committment I showed to her, and I made no effort to really explain what was going on and pinned it all on work related stress, which in truth was only a small part of it.  In a much better place now, and I believe I'm back in a position to support her in every way she needs. 

So things were looking good. Had basically moved back in with her, with plans to get my stuff and get my name on the house and bills etc, some real signs of committment from both parties.  But then last week we went out for a drink with her ex boyfriend - not quite as weird as you'd think as they have several mutual friends and their relationship lasted only around a month before he left her - so in my mind there was no real threat there, and we seemed to be working at things to become stronger.  After a few drinks at the bar, we all went back to ours to continue drinking.  For the long version of what happened, see my introduction post.  Short version - I went to bed because I had work the next day.  The were still up when I got up in the morning.  Said our goodbyes and I love you's, and went to work.

She had work later that day, so I figured she'd be going to sleep pretty soon after I went to work.  I got home, and she had gone home early from work already.  She had just showered, and the bedsheets were in the washing machine.  She came through to the lounge, told me to sit down, and proceeded to break down.  She told me she's never been so depressed in her life and she's really struggling with her BPD... .and that she slept with her ex after I'd gone to work.  Begging me not to leave her, her pleaing and apologies seemed genuine enough for me to instantly comfort her dispite how heartbroken I was.  She said it was a horrible experience and it made her realise it's me and only me she loves.  I couldn't blame her for potentially having doubts - whilst I have been 110% better than I was while we still together, I know I caused some real damage with my previous attitude and what must have seemed like a complete lack of care or compassion. 

So I'm forgiving her.  If she really is in as dark of a place as she tells me she is - and I do think her claims are sincere - then I can accept what happened and move on.  She said there'll be minimum contact with him from now on, which in the past week she has stuck to.  I'm still making ammends for what I did before and forgiveness will have to become part of that. 


ajr5679 - your comment really hits home.  It's the first time I've experienced an addiction to somebody and a genuine feeling of withdrawal when we have broken up in the past... .it overwhelms me and gives me this drive like nothing else to do what it takes to make things work, and forget almost completely the negative aspects of a relationship with a pwBPD.  I've had many relationships in the past, both short term and long term, but never with a pwBPD before.  What is it that makes me crave her so badly? 

Unconditionally, as a new member of the forum, I want you to read what Heeledtohealed wrote about BPD, I will paste it now:

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfilment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defence mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

As you can see the woman in question is abusing you through your weaknesses, she knew you had depression, any NORMAL woman would have been with you through that ordeal was she? furthermore, she slept with her ex, then cried to you about it through her guilt and shame.  I can tell you right now, that she wasn't crying because she cheated on you, she cried because she strongly felt abandonment from what she had done.  It seems right now you are her chosen attachment, losing an attachment is like death to these woman.  Please remember that, this wasnt about her guilt of hurting you, because its always about HER, she was all emotional because she sensed abandonment from her attachment because of what she had done.  You have suffered from severe depression in the past, YOUR health is more important than hers, be a man and tell her you cant accept her infidelity, and cut her out of your life, Im sure other more experienced members in this forum would agree with me, a life with a BPD is not safe or healthy if you have suffered from mental health issues in the past. 

[caughtnreleased]

As you can see the woman in question is abusing you through your weaknesses, she knew you had depression, any NORMAL woman would have been with you through that ordeal was she? furthermore, she slept with her ex, then cried to you about it through her guilt and shame.  I can tell you right now, that she wasn't crying because she cheated on you, she cried because she strongly felt abandonment from what she had done.  It seems right now you are her chosen attachment, losing an attachment is like death to these woman.  Please remember that, this wasnt about her guilt of hurting you, because its always about HER, she was all emotional because she sensed abandonment from her attachment because of what she had done.  You have suffered from severe depression in the past, YOUR health is more important than hers, be a man and tell her you cant accept her infidelity, and cut her out of your life, Im sure other more experienced members in this forum would agree with me, a life with a BPD is not safe or healthy if you have suffered from mental health issues in the past. 

Unconditionally... .when I recycled with my ex, it was the same thing.  He invited me over to his place... .the bed sheets were in the wash, an empty bottle of wine next to the bed.  We'd just finished a break, and seems like he recycled his ex and slept with her.  When I'd called him to end the break, he lamented: why didn't you call me earlier, and people just wanna use me for sex and he started crying saying he was depressed, and wanted to move away.  As caredverymuch says, it seems like he was crying for the abandonment he was already starting to feel.   It came,  a week later, when he again decided to meet up with the ex (who sounds like a nest of rattlesnakes), and I couldn't contain my anger.  I didn't hold back this time, and assailed him with some pretty cutting truths about his character, then blocked him... .  It felt good.  It still feels good. And I stood up for myself, firmly.  I got back in touch with him, to try and at least put a more definitive end to it, and one of the last things he's since said to me, is that he respects me.  Respect yourself, because no one else will if you don't, and not doing so is what will really hurt you.

[Unconditionally]

Unconditionally, as a new member of the forum, I want you to read what Heeledtohealed wrote about BPD, I will paste it now:

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfilment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defence mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

As you can see the woman in question is abusing you through your weaknesses, she knew you had depression, any NORMAL woman would have been with you through that ordeal was she? furthermore, she slept with her ex, then cried to you about it through her guilt and shame.  I can tell you right now, that she wasn't crying because she cheated on you, she cried because she strongly felt abandonment from what she had done.  It seems right now you are her chosen attachment, losing an attachment is like death to these woman.  Please remember that, this wasnt about her guilt of hurting you, because its always about HER, she was all emotional because she sensed abandonment from her attachment because of what she had done.  You have suffered from severe depression in the past, YOUR health is more important than hers, be a man and tell her you cant accept her infidelity, and cut her out of your life, Im sure other more experienced members in this forum would agree with me, a life with a BPD is not safe or healthy if you have suffered from mental health issues in the past. 

Hi jammo... .pleased to meet you.

While I am new to the forum, I wouldn't say I was new to BPD in general.  I've read endless material about it, with many describing the disorder exactly as the extract you pasted above, but also many differing opinions on what pwBPD are and are not capable of.  Surely a statement such as that is tarnishing all pwBPD with the same brush?  What of people's "success stories" within some of the other forums here?  If every pwBPD truly does follow this same identical pattern with no variation and no possibility for recovery or a positive outcome then why do so many persist? 

I do not feel like I'm being abused through my weakness - she did not know I was depressed because I never communicated that to her.  She had enough going on in her life in coping with the loss of her daughter as well as physical conditions she has been plagued with for years and only just has some answers to start piecing it together.  My depression gave off all the signals that I was going to leave, sure, I see that now.  Had the roles been reversed perhaps I would have made my excuses and left too before she had the chance as some sort of desperate act of self preservation.  That's almost a natural reaction for anybody to me, not just a pwBPD?  Prior to this incident she had been nothing but faithful to me whilst we were together, and her disorder didn't create many problems between us - I researched it when we first got together so that I knew what to expect and decide if it was something I personally could deal with.  The first time I saw the self-harming aspect, I was terrified.  It was completely new to me and I didn't know how to process that... .but I have adjusted to it over time.  But in general, we had a good relationship, with the main focus of her BPD being the loss of her daughter and never about our relationship or bad feelings towards me - she was loving, caring and sweet for the most part, with managable episodes.  Sure there were other indicators, but I didn't find them detrimental to myself or the relationship.  I'm not sure if it's her high level of self awareness that helps her manage and control it better than others?  I don't know... .I only know her personally and other people's varying accounts to go by. 

As for my history of depression... .I honestly hadn't been happier then whilst we were at our peak.  She is the high point of my life and I truly do believe in her.

[jammo1989]

Unconditionally, as a new member of the forum, I want you to read what Heeledtohealed wrote about BPD, I will paste it now:

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfilment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defence mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

As you can see the woman in question is abusing you through your weaknesses, she knew you had depression, any NORMAL woman would have been with you through that ordeal was she? furthermore, she slept with her ex, then cried to you about it through her guilt and shame.  I can tell you right now, that she wasn't crying because she cheated on you, she cried because she strongly felt abandonment from what she had done.  It seems right now you are her chosen attachment, losing an attachment is like death to these woman.  Please remember that, this wasnt about her guilt of hurting you, because its always about HER, she was all emotional because she sensed abandonment from her attachment because of what she had done.  You have suffered from severe depression in the past, YOUR health is more important than hers, be a man and tell her you cant accept her infidelity, and cut her out of your life, Im sure other more experienced members in this forum would agree with me, a life with a BPD is not safe or healthy if you have suffered from mental health issues in the past. 

Hi jammo... .pleased to meet you.

While I am new to the forum, I wouldn't say I was new to BPD in general.  I've read endless material about it, with many describing the disorder exactly as the extract you pasted above, but also many differing opinions on what pwBPD are and are not capable of.  Surely a statement such as that is tarnishing all pwBPD with the same brush?  What of people's "success stories" within some of the other forums here?  If every pwBPD truly does follow this same identical pattern with no variation and no possibility for recovery or a positive outcome then why do so many persist? 

I do not feel like I'm being abused through my weakness - she did not know I was depressed because I never communicated that to her.  She had enough going on in her life in coping with the loss of her daughter as well as physical conditions she has been plagued with for years and only just has some answers to start piecing it together.  My depression gave off all the signals that I was going to leave, sure, I see that now.  Had the roles been reversed perhaps I would have made my excuses and left too before she had the chance as some sort of desperate act of self preservation.  That's almost a natural reaction for anybody to me, not just a pwBPD?  Prior to this incident she had been nothing but faithful to me whilst we were together, and her disorder didn't create many problems between us - I researched it when we first got together so that I knew what to expect and decide if it was something I personally could deal with.  The first time I saw the self-harming aspect, I was terrified.  It was completely new to me and I didn't know how to process that... .but I have adjusted to it over time.  But in general, we had a good relationship, with the main focus of her BPD being the loss of her daughter and never about our relationship or bad feelings towards me - she was loving, caring and sweet for the most part, with managable episodes.  Sure there were other indicators, but I didn't find them detrimental to myself or the relationship.  I'm not sure if it's her high level of self awareness that helps her manage and control it better than others?  I don't know... .I only know her personally and other people's varying accounts to go by. 

As for my history of depression... .I honestly hadn't been happier then whilst we were at our peak.  She is the high point of my life and I truly do believe in her.

Each to there own my friend, and no one can dictate unless they have experienced that relationship thats personal to you, so its all advise and personal opinions, my honest opinion is that, she probably was this amazing, sweet, compassionate woman, but how much of that YOU, she mirrored your good traits, untill she felt abandonment was going to happen.  She cheated on you with an ex, you wouldnt accept or stand for that behaviour in a relationship whee both parties are Nons.  Yeah she probably had or is having a very traumatic life, but we can not and should not feel sorry for other peoples burdens,  my ex has the most mentally disturbing up bringing, apart of me once thought like you, i dont care what life shes had i love and care for her, BUT when you really analyse everything you come to realise that these emotional scars and baggage they carry is not fixable, you need a gf who can stand on her own 2 feet, your not a carer you are her bf, and thats what ive started addressing to others, would you date a schizophrenic? I know i wouldnt, id rather make a connection with a healthy NON who pays and puts in 50% of the work in the relationship.  My point here being as a healthy adult you need a HEALTHY woman, dating these kinds of people goes against every moral our parents taught us, her self mutilation, her infidelity, her lies are all part of an illness that you SHOULD not have to put up with, I would write an essay here, but all you really need to focus on is, SHE CHEATED ON YOU!

I really have strong feelings about things like this, because I dont want people going back just to get hurt again, you can only get burnt so many times, ok what if you stay or get back together, it lasts 5 years, you have a child with her.  The child will be manipulated and used against you, she will then have a CONSTANT open passage to your life, and your going to feel 100000 times worse after a longer lasting relationship, its not worth it, dodge the bullet every time it starts firing.       

[Skip]

BUT when you really analyse everything you come to realise that these emotional scars and baggage they carry is not fixable, you need a gf who can stand on her own 2 feet, your not a carer you are her bf, and thats what ive started addressing to others, would you date a schizophrenic? ... . My point here being as a healthy adult you need a HEALTHY woman, dating these kinds of people goes against every moral our parents taught us, her self mutilation, her infidelity, her lies are all part of an illness that you SHOULD not have to put up with, I would write an essay here, but all you really need to focus on is, SHE CHEATED ON YOU!

I really have strong feelings about things like this, because I dont want people going back just to get hurt again, you can only get burnt so many times, ok what if you stay or get back together, it lasts 5 years, you have a child with her.  The child will be manipulated and used against you, she will then have a CONSTANT open passage to your life, and your going to feel 100000 times worse after a longer lasting relationship, its not worth it, dodge the bullet every time it starts firing.

I'm not sure all the relationships here can be painted so broadly and definitively. Life is so much more complicated.

While I have very strong personal values around fidelity, I have also been involved in helping infidelity torn marriages recover.  It is possible.

[Unconditionally]

Thank you for the replies.  I assure you I will be taking your comments in to account, and I appreciate the time you take to share your experiences and advice - it's the first time I've communicated with others with first hand experience.  

I have a question, open to anyone who feels obliged to answer; did any of your ex partners with BPD exhibit apparent genuine internal conflict with themselves because of their disorder?  And intense expression that they want to overcome it and make real progress and change?  

[jammo1989]

Thank you for the replies.  I assure you I will be taking your comments in to account, and I appreciate the time you take to share your experiences and advice - it's the first time I've communicated with others with first hand experience.  

I have a question, open to anyone who feels obliged to answer; did any of your ex partners with BPD exhibit apparent genuine internal conflict with themselves because of their disorder?  And intense expression that they want to overcome it and make real progress and change?  

Im open to answer your question, but what exactly do you mean, could you try to explain it further?

[Skip]

Thank you for the replies.  I assure you I will be taking your comments in to account, and I appreciate the time you take to share your experiences and advice - it's the first time I've communicated with others with first hand experience.  

I have a question, open to anyone who feels obliged to answer; did any of your ex partners with BPD exhibit apparent genuine internal conflict with themselves because of their disorder?  And intense expression that they want to overcome it and make real progress and change?  

Unconditionally,

This is the Leaving Board - detachment from failed relationships. This type of question may get a biased answer.

By its very nature, there is a lot of denial and projection.  The is also internal conflict and shame for actions past.  And in some cases the former proceeds the latter - it morphs to shame in time.

Skip

[RedDove]

My story is similar to many others that posted on this thread. I was previously married to a non for 11 years. He cheated on me. I found out when the women's husband called and told me. We separated, he went to live with his mother. We went to marriage counseling for 9 months. The women's husband called me again to tell me they had "not" ended it. I filed for divorce a week later. My point here is its not just BPD's that lie, cheat and deceive people.

Fast forward, 14 years later post divorce. I dated over the years and had a few long term relationships that did not work out. Along comes an email on Facebook from my ex BPDbf who grew up in my same small town and we went to high school together. I was a gonner! He came across as the sweet, kind, sorta shy guy and oh my, attractive and what a charmer.

He played the innocent victim act to a tee! Told me how his 20+ year marriage ended because his wife was a Born Again Christian. They lost their virginity to each another. So he felt out of duty and respect, he had to marry her. Hog wash! He shared stories of how he didn't date a lot in high school. We even went to an open house at our former high school. He pulled me inside a doorway, kissed me, and then said, I never kissed a girl in high school. We went to his former shop (VoTech School) and he talked about being bullied and hazed.

Also told me how his prior long term girlfriend had cheated on him. He found out when he found a text on her phone. He had tears in his eyes when he recounted the story of how hurt he was over her betrayal. We bonded with one another over experiencing the same hurt and pain of betrayal.

If I talked about subjects such as men hurting women or cheating on them, he would get a very hurt feeling on his face and be appalled at these "other" people's behavior. He really played the innocent, sweet guy who was slightly confused about women well.

I didn't suspect cheating until 2 years into the r/s. He had surgery and I went to visit him at the hospital. There was another woman sitting on his hospital bed, stroking his arm. He "claimed" she was an ex who still had feelings.

I could go on and on... .however, in my case my ex BPDbf was a really good actor! Everything about him screamed poor, abused, innocent, naive little boy just looking for love.

Four years later, I was at his house and found a piece of paper on his coffee table, right out in the open. The paper had my name and another women's name and cell numbers. My best friend did a reverse look up on the OW's cell. Got the women's name, address, etc. and from there she did a Google search and found her Facebook page. My best friend didn't like my ex BPDbf. Always said he was attractive, but something rubbed her the wrong way.

The next weekend my ex BPDbf made plans with me on a Saturday night and cancelled at the last minute with an excuse/story. My best friend came and took me too dinner. It was a nice summer night, so she suggested we take a drive. Little did I know she had brought the OW's address. My best friend said. "Look, I care about you and love you and I just want you to know the truth once and for all." When we drove by the house, my ex BPDbf's car was parked in the driveway. My friend took a picture of his car and we drove off. I was devastated.

So, I confronted him, ended it and went NC a week later. That's when he revealed to me he suffered from BPD. I do not tolerate infidelity. Likely unbeknownst to me, the cheating was going throughout the entire 4 year encounter. He could win an Academy Award for acting innocent, and how seamlessly and easily he tells lies and deceives people.

I'm glad I walked away from him and am focusing on me and my life now. He recently broke NC and tried to recycle me. It's just crazy behavior! The disorder always wins!

[caughtnreleased]

Mine told me he had BPD, that it was hurtful to be with him, that he lied to everyone, that he  didn't know who he was.  He also told me when I first met him and he told me all this, that he was starting to read "walking on eggshells" but it made him feel so bad that he couldn't get past the first few pages, admitted that he was stuck in a cycle, and it looked like he did want to make genuine progress. He got involved in a mental health awareness organization for a while too.  I'd asked him about whether he had gotten help... .and his answer was always different everytime.  Once when I was not asking, he said he had gone to a BPD clinic and it had helped him... .but another time I asked him if he'd gotten help he said no... .

I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do about that... .I think I would resent a significant other who told me to get help, so I just gave him the info and let him do what he wanted.

He was very aware of himself... .but I don't think he sufficiently understood what was going on in order to change.  Maybe he will change... .I hope he does.  I don't consider him to be a bad person at all... .it's just not my place to change him, it's hard enough changing myself.

[ajr5679]

I was crazy enough to tell my ex that she had BPD. . she slapped me and told me she that she did not cut so she could not have it. I said you are what they call a high functioning BPD. after that she went  more crazy. she would blame everything on her having BPD. mine would sleep with her ex girlfriend then come home and tell me she did. she would tell me that she would go over to her ex girlfriend because  I was bothering her or her son was bothering her. and I took it.

she left me after her son started abusing me. OF course it was my fault . she came back two years later after the ex kicked her to the curb . and like a dumb ass I took her back. she said that her BPD was under control. i have been in therapy the whole time that she was gone and i went while we was together.

i knew she was still the same person she just did not have anybody at the moment to recycler with.

but because of my addiction i took her back . when i say that i was addicted to her ,she was and still is my drug of choose. my relationship was just like a drug I gave my money ,my respect , my friends , i kept secrets. i would lie to my friends.   I don`t know how I kept my job. or my home. because i lost my mind.

she would even sleep with a old man for money and I never said anything. she would blame me for this also and her ex.

    back to the last time we was together I new she would do the same thing she did before. she kept telling me she wanted to move out and get her own place I was all for it . but I was not going to let her take everything out of the house like she did last time. she came home from a camping trip with my replacement and started yelling at me. she could not believe i would not let her clean me out and live with me for nine more days. so to hurt me she told me that she slept with that girl i just laughed at her because it did not hurt . I told her to get the hell out. she left with her sons stuff that is it. I am really one of the lucky people when it comes to relationship with these kind of people. I new what she was going to do before she did it because I really don't think they ever change. they might tell you how sorry they are or feel horrible they feel. or how bad the ex was to them. or how the ex took all there money. how they feel so bad. how everything is everybody else  fault.

this is just my opinion but in my heart. i feel that they punish us to make them feel better. i think it give them a short term high. my ex told me that she would get a high from running away and recycling her exs . and she never cared if they cried or begged her back . i would think after twenty years of moving every six months you would get tired of it.

when she was done with me and took everything she could from me she was meaner than anyone i have ever met.