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Author Topic: Are your BPDxs still with your replacement?  (Read 2937 times)
maric
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« on: October 09, 2014, 10:27:36 PM »

And for how long? 
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« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2014, 10:29:11 PM »

I would think so . I have not heard from her.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2014, 10:30:24 PM »

One would hope forever, otherwise she'll f*** up more peoples lives.
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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2014, 11:02:48 PM »

Mine's been with hers for over a year. Our r/s "officially" ended a year ago last week. She only moved out in early February though, into his arms with sneaking around. People are suprised it's lasted. I'm not. They don't know her. She attached to One. Last Sept, she wrote to him, "every day that goes by is one day closer that we can be together forever." If he bought into that (I never did, and our differing perceptions of what constituted an adult r/s caused conflict from the start), then they will both probably continue.

I foolishly moved in after only 3 or 4 months. She has our kids half of the time, and he's still an undergrad, so it complicates things. A year ago, during The Week When I Thought I Could Save Us (but not really), she told me she was hurt in that he was texting a not too stale FWB. She said she felt cheated on. So she amped up her idealization to hook him. Still hooked, as far as I know. Everything changes when you live with someone. This could go on a while...

The thing that confuses me is that she dissociated for almost 4 months. It was like living with a different person. She's returned to her emotional baseline since last Christmas. Given that her emotional state could change rapidly, she could be the young lover to him n her off time still. She's good at compartmentalizing.

Part of me wishes it would end to validate me. The stonger part wishes that they keep it together, because it will be bad if they break up, for me, but more importantly for the kds...
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« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2014, 11:54:23 PM »

I'm not sure what's going on over there, I've been out for 5 months, but I think her r/s with my replacement lasted about 4 months. About 3 months in it seems he thought she was cheating on him. I guess they're on/off now or something. I don't think she has a new replacement for him. probably switching between him and the guy she was with before me.
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Infern0
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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2014, 12:11:00 AM »

Yes for now.

It's weird though, she's reaching out to me a LOT.  So yeah I do have contact quite regularly and she's started asking to see me. The subject of him hasn't really come up but I take it from the amount of messages I'm getting that it's probably not going too good. She initiates contact pretty much every day now and we message back and forth for hours.

When we were together she never texted when I was around,  she just ignore her phone so assuming it's the same with him she's spending less and less time with him, which was what happened to me when I was devalued and then abandoned.

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blissful_camper
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« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2014, 12:13:25 AM »

My ex and my replacement began their r/s while I was still involved with my ex.  (I discovered this after the b/u) Upon my departure 15 months ago, their r/s went public.  I don't know what their status is, but I would imagine they are still together, and that the r/s is cycling through some rather extreme ups and downs, as it did during our involvement and in his previous relationships.  With a willing partner, this could drag on for years.  I was unwilling, and thus, I'm happy to report that I'm the shortest r/s that he had.  I hope that their r/s is a long one, as it keeps him away from the rest of us.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2014, 02:07:32 AM »

Does it matter? I really fail to see why their current life would be of interest to us here unless you are still hoping that they will contact you. I hear about her from mutual friends but I've asked them not to talk about her as I really don't care. She's on her own path now, I hope my ex is happy but I also hope she never contacts me.
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Algae
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« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2014, 04:50:34 AM »

Yep.  Still is.  And it's pissing me off how she can be so happy when I did nothing to her.  And theres about an 80% chance I'm going to punch him in the face just out of sheer revenge, after she tries and fails to get me back.

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« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2014, 08:02:58 AM »

Haven't been posting lately, but my first dexBPDgf reached out to me this summer, after 9 years. She broke up with her boyfriend, because like she told me (we met for a coffee at my place), he wasnt marry material... humm she was in a relationship with him for 7 years.

her real reasons, or how I at least perceived it which might be wrong:

a) she was freaking out, she was alone again with no emotional support

b) was needing validation that it was all his fault, in fact I asked myself how he could make it with her this long time, while I gave up after 1 year already.

c) tried to convince me to be now marry material, and want child's since I am already 37 (her exact words)...

e) didn't mature at all, still the little 3 year old trapped in a mature body

d) she desperately tried to lure me in again... that was so obvious that it was almost funny

I did listen to her with respect. Did also validate her as far as I could, but gave her no control over me. She`s one of the persons I can't love from my new learned experiences after her ( did not love her in our relationship it was pure toxic unhealthy co-dependence which almost killed me, what I know today), even to think about gives me belly hurt, so since then no contact any more. Asked her 2 weeks after this creepy meeting, if shes doing fine (old fixer impulse kicked in obviously) but no response like usually... but it was good for me as well... because I can say for the first time that I really don't care... All I care about is the rudeness, but I let her in my apartment and listen to her so that's on me not her fault.

... .hopes that helps some people here on the leaving board to consider a second thought of breaking no contact ... .specially when you're not emotional detached like I am now with her... .

I know it is extreme hard and painful, but when she or he is in a relationship its like a gift for us, as long we are not fully detached and aware of our own foo issues.


take care,

dark

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maxen
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2014, 08:26:03 AM »

15 months physically, and, it turned out, about 2 months before that. i very much hope it will fail, but we're almost completely NC (2 communications in the past year; no kids) so i wouldn't know how things are going and i'm making no effort to find out. furthermore i'm not to be compared to the replacement, because i'm better of course, but also because the other party ... .uuhhh ... .plays for the other team. so maybe this one will work, where all the others failed. but she's not gay, as she herself said. so at what level could it work. BPD would seem to be involved.

i do wonder if at some point i'd like to be in touch. we knew each other 24 years on and off, married for 7, and what was done to me was like having my flesh ripped off. she was repeatedly unapologetic, even sadistic, and i struggle horribly with the acknowledgement/forgiveness thing. would i heal better or faster if i knew something of her life? or would i only be opening myself up to new violation? the latter i'm sure, but i don't know.

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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2014, 11:03:36 AM »

My ex BPDbf had the OW he cheated on me with in the wings for approx. a month prior to me unraveling his lies, cheating and ending it with him and going NC. I blocked him on my phone, email and Facebook. When I confronted him at the end (4 year encounter), he told met he met her on an online dating site. He also revealed he had BPD. Didn't know until,the end.

Two weeks ago I joined a dating site. Low and behold who breaks NC but my ex BPDbf. He sent me a message which said what a great Profile and gorgeous pics I had, and to wish him luck. Not! I threw the idealization back in his face with a simple "Thanks. I do look gorgeous, don't I!" I then blocked him.

It's been 3+ months since I ended it and initiated NC. Curiosity got the cat, so I unblocked him on Facebook for 1 day. His last post was from back in April. However, I did check his friends list and guess what? The OW he cheated on me with is still in his Friends list! So obviously he's still stringing her along to supply his needs! However, the cracks are showing and seems he's doing the ole Devalue & Discard. He's just waiting to line up the a back up and/or replacement. Thats why he's trying to recycle me. The OW only lasted 3-4 months. From reading on the boards here, that's the normal cycle for a BPD encounter, 4-6 months.

Oh, and just this past week my ex BPDbf changed his dating site user name, created a new Profile and sent me another message. I deleted the message and blocked him again. My best friend is also on the same dating site. She searched his two user ID's and it appears he deleted his accounts, or they are "hidden" Profiles.

I had an "Aha" moment, in that this is his MO! He sets up a hidden profile on a dating site so he can troll for new supply. Unbeknownst to the current women he's seeing, whilst lying to her face that she's the "only" one and the Love of his life!   It's sick and crazy behavior!
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« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2014, 11:17:11 AM »

mine is already with second replacement after me, if we can call it like that. for both of them she told me in certain time that they are THE ONE. so was I, after all... haha. it's so sick and pathetic... .btw, she has 3-4 months periods of total happiness, than she cheats, triangulate, contact me, etc etc... .she told me couple of days before that she is now in a monogamous relationship and that it will stay that way. LOL.  i'm already making popcorns... .
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« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2014, 11:36:47 AM »

7 weeks out of the r/s. Yes she still with the replacement in that sh!t hole town. They got engaged last week, only 6 weeks in. I get info from common acquaintances/friends at times. I got her unfollowed on FB and turned chat off so i do not see her, but on my smart phone, she still appears on my chat list and I cant find a way to remove her name from that list. I know most of you will tell me to just plain delete and block her, but i am not ready/willing to do this.

I fat fingered her FB page, I took about 5 seconds to scroll down, I feel like it's my r/s on instant replay. Only difference is that poor loser let her move in with him in the first week, and didnt seem to have set any limits. He really has no damn clue whats coming.

When I am busy I rarely think about her anymore but when I get home alone them thoughts catch up to me, sometimes i can shrug them off sometimes not, I only wish I could erase her from my memory. I didnt even gone through the full raging phase most of you experienced so I can only imagine how horrible it is, my r/s lasted 4 months but was very intense until the last 2 weeks when I noticed she was distant, my guess is for some reasons she was falling out of love with me. I know now i triggered her abandonment fears by not letting her move in with me right off the start and some «normal» stuff I told her was not fit for a BPD, but my «blame» stops here.

Why am I still affected by this crap, I want to move one but something blocks me, I am doing alot of introspection, sometimes i feel great, other times I feel like sh!t. Will I get validation if her new white knight dumps her or vice versa? Why do i care? She isn't with me anymore... .

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« Reply #14 on: October 10, 2014, 04:50:28 PM »

Does it matter? I really fail to see why their current life would be of interest to us here unless you are still hoping that they will contact you. I hear about her from mutual friends but I've asked them not to talk about her as I really don't care. She's on her own path now, I hope my ex is happy but I also hope she never contacts me.

I can understand why someone would want to know the status of the replacements relationship with our exes. If that relationship fails like yours did, then you know it wasn't you. Then you know that your ex was a complete nutjob. I still work through that from time to time. My ex married my replacement, and as far as I know (which isn't a lot), things are fantastic, the greatest love they have ever had. Well good for them (insert sarcasm here). Maybe my replacement can finally meet all of her needs, maybe they make a complete nutjob cake together or maybe, just maybe the same bull___ is playing out privately in their home. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. She's moved on, I've moved on, that part of my life is over. Thank God for that.
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« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2014, 05:03:50 PM »

I think that the only people they could possibly be happy with is a doormat and even that gets boring to them. My ex left a doormat for me, he was a nice enough guy but had chronically low self esteem, a real puppy dog with tongue hanging out asking "what can I do for you now" kind of guy. My ex often said that "he'd take me back in a heartbeat" and "he would never leave me" My reply was "So you'd want to be with a guy just because he thinks he is so worthless that no one else would be interested in him" She didn't reply to that.

Apparently she told him "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" Exact same words she said to me at the end. She was 100% accurate. She craves the "in love" infatuation stage when everything is perfect. She didn't understand that love is about giving

She may have gone back to him for all I know, who cares?


Does it matter? I really fail to see why their current life would be of interest to us here unless you are still hoping that they will contact you. I hear about her from mutual friends but I've asked them not to talk about her as I really don't care. She's on her own path now, I hope my ex is happy but I also hope she never contacts me.

I can understand why someone would want to know the status of the replacements relationship with our exes. If that relationship fails like yours did, then you know it wasn't you. Then you know that your ex was a complete nutjob. I still work through that from time to time. My ex married my replacement, and as far as I know (which isn't a lot), things are fantastic, the greatest love they have ever had. Well good for them (insert sarcasm here). Maybe my replacement can finally meet all of her needs, maybe they make a complete nutjob cake together or maybe, just maybe the same bull___ is playing out privately in their home. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. She's moved on, I've moved on, that part of my life is over. Thank God for that.

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Springle
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« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2014, 05:21:39 PM »

My non-ex and ex-dBPD friend are still together.

They actually moved in together at some point in the last 6 months or so. Love to be a fly on the wall in that house in some ways, bet it's murder :S. Wish he'd man up and get out of it though, got to feel sorry for him.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #17 on: October 10, 2014, 05:31:49 PM »

mine was with the replacement for a year.  He started to get in touch a couple months before it fell apart.  I didn't respond.   I got back in touch with him maybe a couple months after the replacement broke up with him (I did not know anything about breakup etc... .except from his getting back in touch which I assumed were the first hints that things were falling apart). I had no real intention of dating him, I was looking for answers... .and I got them. Of course... .I was prepared to go in circles with him... .and we did.

We ended up recycling, and then I lashed out and broke it off when the replacement came BACK into the picture. This guy needs new blood! phew!
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« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2014, 05:38:55 AM »

There were four replacements over a multiyear period.

1st:

she cheated on me with, and called 'the one' (then came back to me temporarily), spoke very badly of him post-split.

2nd

she left #1 for, and called 'the one', yet kept constant flirty contact with me. Spoke very badly of him, post-split.

3rd

She called 'the one', got engaged to. I honestly thought that was it. But it didn't last. She spoke very badly of him, post-split.

4th:

Current. Didn't call him the one, but a play-thing. Actually spent a weekend with #3 while involved with this one. I told her how F-ed that was, but let it go.

During all of these, she'd flicker between still behaving as my woman and not. But only by #4 did I realize something was wrong with her psychologically. It was when I noticed that my aggression/cold-hearted side turned her on and drew her closer to me.

I already knew this about certain relationships -- before I even knew what BPD was -- but thought my sweet love was more intelligent than that, at least she appeard to be. However, I learned the truth, the hard way.

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Rifka
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« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2014, 08:08:54 AM »

Does it matter? I really fail to see why their current life would be of interest to us here unless you are still hoping that they will contact you. I hear about her from mutual friends but I've asked them not to talk about her as I really don't care. She's on her own path now, I hope my ex is happy but I also hope she never contacts me.

That's how I feel too!

I didn't know about a replacement, don't want to know. I truly hope he gets the help he needs, finds a woman who can deal with his disorder and somehow can live a peaceful life together. Only good wishes, from a very far distance.

For me, I need to figure out what I'm doing. He is no longer my problem, my concern or headache!
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« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2014, 10:55:36 AM »

I keep wondering why this matters to me, and to so many others here.

Initially I figured it wouldn't last, because my uBPDex started a new relationship hardly a month after we officially broke up. It didn't seem normal or healthy for her to jump into a new relationship immediately after the spectacular & painful collapse of our six year rollercoaster. But I have learned on these boards that this is a common pattern of BPD behaviour. I know she can't be alone, so I should not have been surprised.

But ultimately, its over between us, so why should I care?

Would it prove that she has BPD & validate my decision to leave her? Would it prove the failure of our relationship was not my fault, and make me feel better about myself? Vindicate me somehow?

Or is it because I feel she doesn't deserve happiness after all the pain she put me through?

At the end of it all, I have to accept that our relationship failed because of mistakes on both our parts. I ignored huge red flags. I stayed because I thought I could fix her, and I was scared of being alone. Focussing on her drama helped me avoid my own FOO issues, made me feel like a hero. She is unstable and yet so beautiful, and at times sweet and lovingly sentimental. I couldn't bear the thought of letting her go without trying to make things work.

Yes her initial idealisation of me was over the top, but it made me think she must truly love me, so I let my guard down & fell in love with her.

I thought I'd never find another love like this. Her clinginess was over-bearing  yet somehow still flattering. She fed my ego enough adoration to ensure my loyalty & compliance to a never ending list of demands. I knew she had a history of short relationships, of cheating on the father of her 1st child, and I had witnessed a couple of her emotional outbursts even before we started dating.

Yet I thought I would be different. I would be her rescuer, her knight in shining armour. She told me many times how I was not like all the other guys she'd been with before. I wanted to spoil her, to treat her like princess she wanted to be, make her my queen.

But after six years of turmoil, sprinkled with some tender loving moments and blessed with two beautiful (though unplanned) children, I realised nothing I did was ever enough. That I could never make her happy. That she would always 'be a certain way' (over-emotional, unreasonably jealous, immature, impulsive, distant\clingy etc) and I would have to either live with it or walk away.

So I decided to live with it. I accepted that I'd have to spend the rest of my life with someone who met my emotional needs maybe 20 percent of the time, and needed me to be her emotional doormat for the other 80 percent. After all I loved her, we had 2 kids, and I had invested so much of myself emotionally, financially and in terms of pure effort, to make things work. Her family knew me and mine knew her, and everyone kept hinting that our marriage was long overdue. I prayed to God to show me a sign that the relationship is was "mean to be". I even moved in faith and bought her a wedding ring.

 

Just a few weeks before I was to propose, I caught her cheating, with a married man, one of her many exes, a guy we both worked with, right under my nose. After much anguish and agonizing, I took that as the sign I'd been praying for... .and finally walked away.

Maybe I was too hasty, maybe I should have given her another chance, but I chose to walk away and cut my losses. I resisted her charming, her suicide threats, and attempts to blame me for her cheating. To physically beat me into forgiving her.  

It was just too painful for me to stay.

Leaving, and being immediately replaced was even more painful, watching her erase me, trying to turn my replacement into a replacement dad for my children, announcing him as the love of her life on face book etc, It was all devastating.

But all the pain has taught me a couple or three valuable lessons.

Whether she and her new guy work out or not, she and I were not suited for each other. My instincts screamed that at me that right at the beginning and at various times I didn't listen.

So Lesson 1: listen to your instincts.  

I shouldn't have had unprotected sex with someone I was not initially prepared to settle down with. She said she was on the pill, and didn't want more kids at the time. Tried to convince me our first child was "a miracle". I didn't buy it but after the first child I felt compelled to stay, even knowing I was in love with a lying, manipulative woman. Only much later she admitted she stopped taking the pill to "make sure I would never leave."

The second child was apparently a "genuine accident" : she took some anti-biotics that cancelled out the effect of the pill.

Its tragic that our children will never grow up in a "normal" nuclear family, but would perhaps been even more tragic for them to grow up in a conflict-filled family.  

Lesson 2 : protect yourself at all times.

And Lesson 3: epic, adventurous sex can never substitute for true emotional intimacy.

Lesson 4: children do not cement a relationship.

I put up with behaviour that I knew was unacceptable & in conflict with my idea of a loving adult relationship. Emotional blackmail, all or nothing situations, histrionics, screaming tantrums, door slamming, plate-breaking dramatics, suicide threats, being embarrassed & disrespected both in private and in the presence of family & friends, physical abuse, etc. All were masked with forced, half-hearted mumbled apologies.

Lesson 5: set boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable to you early & enforce them ruthlessly. Don't allow people to abuse your good nature because you feel sorry for them being unable to control their emotions.

Lesson 6: actions speak louder than words, and when someone's actions show you who they really are, believe them!

Lesson 7: learned on this board: my replacement is being idealised and adored the same way I was, so their relationship may well last longer than I expect, but ultimately, he will lose his shine & it will end just as badly as my relationship did. And she will repeat the cycle with someone else & someone else again. Ad infinitum. It wasn't personal, and it doesn't mean I am unlovable. As one member here recently pointed out, all I did was to love a sick person.

Even if they do end up getting married, there is unlikely to be a "happily ever after" because she has not changed or learned anything from the things that sabotaged our relationship.

She has not done any introspection or self examination, she masks her failures and shame by shifting blame, moving on and clinging to a new person. She cannot stand to be by herself and my replacement is compelled to spend every available minute of the day at her side, much like I was.

So how long they last will largely be based on the replacement's tolerance threshold for her b.s or whether he triggers her BPD traits. If he makes her happy then God bless them.

Either way I'm glad I'm out, and I'm not looking back. I have much less drama & stress in my life and I've done some serious introspection & dealing with my own issues. I've learned how to treat a woman in a relationship and how I want to be treated.  

I'm finally starting to feel healed and so whether they make it or not, it has no impact on my life now. The main thing is I'm going to make it. Somewhere out there I'll the right lady for me.

PS: sorry for long, rambling post, haven't posted in a while, got a bit carried away :-)
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« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2014, 03:39:03 PM »

In my case it's hard because I actually did do something to trigger her abandonment fears and although it wasn't malicious in its intent I did do it intentionally as to "teach her some respect" so to speak.

It was that when devaluation started.

Well looking back I wish I'd known what I do now, of course it probably would have all gone wrong anyway,  probably.  But I will always have that regret that I triggered her with a deliberate action. I can't say "I didn't do anything"

But as I say I didn't know anything about BPD and I didn't even spend the time to look into all the other crazy issues that she had,  if I'd just spent the time instead of being in the fantasy of "my love can heal her" and imagining what my wedding speech was going to be like.

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« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2014, 04:39:51 PM »

Let's put this question into the perspective of the man who I replaced.  He was my exwBPD's first husband.  Lasted 2 years.  He sits there and wonders how they can be SOO happy for SOO long.  22 years.  And he waits, and waits and waits.  Until he finally gets to see the end.  And then it starts all over again with the new Mr. in her life. 

22 years is a long time to wait to see the inevitable.  My replacement announced on FB that he was "the luckiest man alive".    Is THAT not the most ironic statement of the century?

Didn't we ALL think that at first?

Put this BS to rest.  It's not going to get better.  Not now and not with the next replacement and not with the next replacement after that, ad infinitum.

Let it go.
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« Reply #23 on: October 11, 2014, 05:03:13 PM »

She wasn't being real with me so she didn't have me in the first place.
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