What makes them so irreplaceable?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex seemed to be desperately trying to latch onto somebody. She had her eyes set on even a few "candidates". What I don't know is if she is in a rebound r/s or is still just playing the field. I think she is trying to avoid getting too attached to anyone.

In all of this, she had never contacted me. I really want to know why she would go thru all the "trouble" and ignore me forever. It is hard to fathom how she painted me black, what is so scary for her, that she has let go of all the good?

In the meantime I am here thinking, nobody will or can make me feel so alive as she did. So I'm not even interested in talking to anyone because it seem so pointless.

I wonder if she will feel as secure with someone she barely knows.

BPD seem to target those who are "lacking" something inside, but where it isn't obvious. My life was getting along fine until I met my ex. After that I felt like I would never be alone again. Now I feel like I'll be alone forever. (even with someone)

[shellbent]

My ex seemed to be desperately trying to latch onto somebody. She had her eyes set on even a few "candidates". What I don't know is if she is in a rebound r/s or is still just playing the field. I think she is trying to avoid getting too attached to anyone.

In all of this, she had never contacted me. I really want to know why she would go thru all the "trouble" and ignore me forever. It is hard to fathom how she painted me black, what is so scary for her, that she has let go of all the good?

In the meantime I am here thinking, nobody will or can make me feel so alive as she did. So I'm not even interested in talking to anyone because it seem so pointless.

I wonder if she will feel as secure with someone she barely knows.

BPD seem to target those who are "lacking" something inside, but where it isn't obvious. My life was getting along fine until I met my ex. After that I felt like I would never be alone again. Now I feel like I'll be alone forever. (even with someone)

[Caredverymuch]

My ex seemed to be desperately trying to latch onto somebody. She had her eyes set on even a few "candidates". What I don't know is if she is in a rebound r/s or is still just playing the field. I think she is trying to avoid getting too attached to anyone.

In all of this, she had never contacted me. I really want to know why she would go thru all the "trouble" and ignore me forever. It is hard to fathom how she painted me black, what is so scary for her, that she has let go of all the good?

In the meantime I am here thinking, nobody will or can make me feel so alive as she did. So I'm not even interested in talking to anyone because it seem so pointless.

I wonder if she will feel as secure with someone she barely knows.

BPD seem to target those who are "lacking" something inside, but where it isn't obvious. My life was getting along fine until I met my ex. After that I felt like I would never be alone again. Now I feel like I'll be alone forever. (even with someone)

Shellbent, I understand how this feels.  I questioned the same often.  Why grow so deep with someone, split them black and abandon them, and start right up with someone new, rather than coming back to such a close r/s.  Especially after the great lengths our ex's go to to assure our love and commitment for them.

They come into our lives in great big ways.  They fill up all the space and then some in ways that feel entirely genuine and entirely like the r/s you never knew existed, its that deep and warm and that full.   And consuming. Every emotion, even those that were dormant  , is alive. 

Its the color they bring to an otherwise black and white world.

I was like you.  Satisfied with my life before my ex entered it.  Now, I feel a great quietness and as you state, an incredible void, alone in ways no one else could replicate. Despite the knowing of the d/o, the unhealthy aspect of being in a r/s with zero boundaries, of allowing myself to be consumed on every level by my ex, it felt like a very loving warm bond of our own oneness. 

And this is where they get up and often leave us.  No closure, no further communication, cutting us entirely out of their lives, and while we are realing in so much pain and hurt, they start another r/s with someone else. 

Even with full understanding of the d/o, this is an incredibly traumatic experience. 

I read on another thread that when r/s w nons end, it has an element of natural hurt.  When r/s w a pBPD end like this, its like a funeral. 

Everyone here understands how you feel.

[borderdude]

Mine did the same, she did split me black, because I was slowly abanding , seeing her less all the time, so I think it was difficult for her to keep me constant  objectified. I did this on purpose , she then became desperate finding a new narcisistic supply, she is really manipulating the new object , but she is very selective regarding new objects, they must be able to become manipulated, but I am no expert.

Both my BPD exes became very childish after they stopped mirroring me, and was in a transition period between objects, when I last spoke to my 1st ex, I was feeling speaking to the real person behind the mask, a kind of hurt little child girl, explaining to me that a man loved her because he was sexual with her, i told her sex did not equal love , she did not get it, just what to expect from a little child, in a mature body. They are so convinsing while in their actor mode.

They are objectifying you, and idealizing you, a natural narc trait, so it is really a fantacy , you become their king, caretaker, main reference person in their life, they do not have complete personalities so they mirror you, they in some aspect becomes you. Mainly because you fill a need in their lives, in their reality love equals need. They love you, but it is a immature form of love, but of course not all BPD are the same , just my experience. Anyway this combination is like Crack and heroin at the same time , and extreme addicted, and worse if you are in a lonely depressive state yourself.

The closer they got, the harder the split, so for them a straight transaction based rs, without to much feelings and closeness are to be preferred, at least my own view on it based on  mine two cases.


It is really hard to miss, but remember they have played this game all their lives, they are skilled manipulators, they sense your weakness, loneliness, depressive state, etc. My first BPD encounter, I really felt she was scanning every aspect of me, using hdr internal BPD radar, she became that dream girl in my life I was looking for, luckily for me i am an empath, and detected the red lights early, I slowly rettacted , it was hard, they use all tricks to make you fall for them, by idealization and other manipulations.


My 1st ex told me she was proud of how good she was making men fell for her, she exploited this and made men to anything for her, I never bought into this , and put hard boundaries, told her, that she had met the wrong person for this game. I t is really importand you find you mission in life, (supposed you are unsure for the moment) who you are where you are going, women are naturally attracted to confident persons, people with clear goals, and have strong selfs. I was a people pleaser, a butler, low self esteem person before, and that attracts nutty women ready to exploit you.

[whtjusthappened]

I feel your pain. I literally walk around like a zombie, wondering if life will ever feel as vibrant and worthwhile as it did with him.  The worst part is that I literally changed everything in my life to be with him, and just when it seemed like we would finally have the life we always talked about, he detached, cheated and has kept me in this insane pull and push dynamic... .I should say that I have let him keep me there.  I am keeping it together for my kids, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me that they and this beautiful world arent enough to give me faith that I can be happy again.  But there it is, the reality that my bf filled holes that were deep inside of me, and now I have to fill them with something that will last.

[Loveofhislife]

I think this is where faith comes in:  faith in ourselves that we can and will recover from this hurt and come out stronger; faith we and we alone will learn how to fill those holes they plugged (and new ones they created); faith that we can repel any attempts they will make to recycle; and belief that we are more worthy of our love than they.  I too am in zombie mode this morning.  Yesterday, after more than 10 weeks of what I thought was silent treatment, I learned was, instead, his gearing up to lure new supply.  I'm essentially in shock.

[borderdude]

I think this is where faith comes in:  faith in ourselves that we can and will recover from this hurt and come out stronger; faith we and we alone will learn how to fill those holes they plugged (and new ones they created); faith that we can repel any attempts they will make to recycle; and belief that we are more worthy of our love than they.  I too am in zombie mode this morning.  Yesterday, after more than 10 weeks of what I thought was silent treatment, I learned was, instead, his gearing up to lure new supply.  I'm essentially in shock.

Think of it as shock from like  abruptly stopping with heroin, now I could never even bother thinking of my BPD exes, they makes me sick in their immaturity and bad traits. I was so occupied settling for less, because i did not what i wanted in women, take the pain , one day you laugh of this, and meet a girl wich blows you out of the wather, and you even will connect to spiritually, as well as other aspects.

[shellbent]

Even with full understanding of the d/o, this is an incredibly traumatic experience. 

I read on another thread that when r/s w nons end, it has an element of natural hurt.  When r/s w a pBPD end like this, its like a funeral. 

Everyone here understands how you feel.

Exactly, and when things ended with my previous r/s, I never had a what if or any type of unanswered question in my mind.

Thanks for sharing, sometimes I feel like I would not survive or go insane if not for the family here.

The closer they got, the harder the split, so for them a straight transaction based rs, without to much feelings and closeness are to be preferred, at least my own view on it based on  mine two cases.

It is really confusing because it seems that all they crave is a insanely close intimate relationship. Like melding into one. But deep down they are still ashamed and feel like they don't deserve it. So they push us away.

Mine was r/s her whole life, about 3 and we met by working together. So she isn't very "experienced" with dating per se. We just happened to be exactly what the other needed at the time.

She seems to be handling this situation quite well after all the confidence boosts she received from me while keeping me outside her fence.

She told me she needed to be alone, work on her codependency issues, but obviously she made herself believe that it is just better to hop into a r/s with someone and see what happens. It's like they keep wanting to believe that this other person that they built up in their mind is not going to abandon or hurt them. All while perceiving that we, the people that they abandoned are indeed only capable of causing them hurt and painful memories of shameful thoughts and their inner worthlessness. Accepting them for who they are is never going to please them.

I am keeping it together for my kids, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me that they and this beautiful world arent enough to give me faith that I can be happy again.  But there it is, the reality that my bf filled holes that were deep inside of me, and now I have to fill them with something that will last.

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through, nobody deserves this type of treatment. Your kids are lucky to have someone as strong as you to carry on through this. I think we both idealized the r/s because we were able to imagine all of the aspects to work out just perfectly. We think positively about life and in any give situation we always make the best of it.

I know that because my r/s made me so much happier than I normally would have been just proves to me that I need to search inside myself and regain balance. I noticed that gradually I got over the loss of the r/s. And I tried to detach from the hurt that came from being ignored and not being considered, after all this time. I tried to not take it personally. But the grown up part that is over this and realizes that I can make my own happiness is constantly being distracted by the small broken inner child that just wants the loving care and attention that it once received, and is now being deprived of. And without it, he has no one to care for him and love him. So I realized that I need to listen to what the little me says and he is the one who cries and feels abandoned. So I need to focus on loving "him". I wonder what the journey is for that little boy to grow up. But I keep telling him that I will always love him and be with him until  the day I die.

[pieceofme]

My ex seemed to be desperately trying to latch onto somebody. She had her eyes set on even a few "candidates". What I don't know is if she is in a rebound r/s or is still just playing the field. I think she is trying to avoid getting too attached to anyone.

In all of this, she had never contacted me. I really want to know why she would go thru all the "trouble" and ignore me forever. It is hard to fathom how she painted me black, what is so scary for her, that she has let go of all the good?

In the meantime I am here thinking, nobody will or can make me feel so alive as she did. So I'm not even interested in talking to anyone because it seem so pointless.

I wonder if she will feel as secure with someone she barely knows.

BPD seem to target those who are "lacking" something inside, but where it isn't obvious. My life was getting along fine until I met my ex. After that I felt like I would never be alone again. Now I feel like I'll be alone forever. (even with someone)

this is a heart-breaking, but beautiful thread.

shellbent, i understand and feel the same way. i thought i found my love, my future. like what the heckjusthappened, i picked up and moved my life to be with my ex - the week we were supposed to move in and start the life we planned, he cheated and walked out and blamed me for everything. it was and still is devastating.

it was the first time in my life that i took such a huge leap of faith to be with someone and he destroyed me. i don't know how i could ever find the strength to do that again.

[fred6]

My ex seemed to be desperately trying to latch onto somebody. She had her eyes set on even a few "candidates". What I don't know is if she is in a rebound r/s or is still just playing the field. I think she is trying to avoid getting too attached to anyone.

In all of this, she had never contacted me. I really want to know why she would go thru all the "trouble" and ignore me forever. It is hard to fathom how she painted me black, what is so scary for her, that she has let go of all the good?

In the meantime I am here thinking, nobody will or can make me feel so alive as she did. So I'm not even interested in talking to anyone because it seem so pointless.

I wonder if she will feel as secure with someone she barely knows.

BPD seem to target those who are "lacking" something inside, but where it isn't obvious. My life was getting along fine until I met my ex. After that I felt like I would never be alone again. Now I feel like I'll be alone forever. (even with someone)

this is a heart-breaking, but beautiful thread.

shellbent, i understand and feel the same way. i thought i found my love, my future. like what the heckjusthappened, i picked up and moved my life to be with my ex - the week we were supposed to move in and start the life we planned, he cheated and walked out and blamed me for everything. it was and still is devastating.

it was the first time in my life that i took such a huge leap of faith to be with someone and he destroyed me. i don't know how i could ever find the strength to do that again.

I did the same. I moved in with my uxBPD after 6 months. I got rid of my apartment, my furniture, and most stuff that we didn't have room for. I asked her before I moved in, "are you sure this is what you want. I'm giving up most of my stuff and need to make sure that you aren't going to just kick me out one day". She replied, "as long as you don't cheat on me or hurt my kids, you have nothing to worry about". Then 2 1/2 years later she proceeds to cheat on me, break up with me, and tell me to find a home of my own. I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again... .

[hope2727]

I find so few people I enjoy. I hate having to feel the conversation is work. With my pwBPD life was light and easy. We faced difficult times with strength and as a team. Then as the years passed he changed jobs and it was like a switch flipped. I literally didn't recognize him one day when he came home from work. I suspect he was mirroring a friend he worked with. His friend is a total loser in my eyes so needless to say boundaries were established and things got tough.

I miss my friend. I miss the man I literally loved more each day. I miss sharing small things with him. Crunching leaves as we walk, sitting by the fire, cooking together are all small things I miss.  :'(

So for me its the shock, and withdrawal but also the realization that I may not find anyone else. I have found 2 men in my life that I never tired of ever.  One became an addict the other was/is BPD and BP. They were both beautiful people when well and monsters when not. So its hard for me to believe I will luck out and find someone again. I do however have to have faith and continue to trust people again. The others I dated were lovely but just kind of not for me. I didn't miss them when they were away and almost never think of them now. I do rely on my men friends for company and advice and even today had brunch and went shopping with one. They help me see strengths and keep me grounded. I guess for now it will have to do.

[Popcorn71]

I feel your pain. I literally walk around like a zombie, wondering if life will ever feel as vibrant and worthwhile as it did with him.  The worst part is that I literally changed everything in my life to be with him, and just when it seemed like we would finally have the life we always talked about, he detached, cheated and has kept me in this insane pull and push dynamic... .I should say that I have let him keep me there.  I am keeping it together for my kids, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me that they and this beautiful world arent enough to give me faith that I can be happy again.  But there it is, the reality that my bf filled holes that were deep inside of me, and now I have to fill them with something that will last.

This was me 14 months ago.

I am very different now.  Take heart that things will get better.  You will have a better life.  You will be happy again.  Just give it time and go through whatever you need to go through to get there