Insanity

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here venting again... .Seems to be a useless cyclical thing.

I find myself here, stuck in the vortex, at a place where I don't have any idea what I really think or feel.  I don't want to do anything anymore.  Feels like the movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  I'm doing the same things over and over again and now I'm just watching it like a TV show... .I don't even really want to post this, but I'm truly at a loss over what to do.  I have no where to go... .every plan I try to make in my head I don't like... .stay/go... .don't like... .Tired of disappointing everyone with my decisions... .everyone doubts me... .my kids... .myself... .Where did the spiritual/emotional strength I felt rising up, go to?  I don't sense it anymore... .I just feel stuck inside my own head on the verge of insanity.  Worst feeling I've ever had.  I can wake from a good night's sleep and feel it almost immediately when I "come to".  It just feels "BAD".  One thing I can feel regularly is ":)OWN".  Moments that should be making me feel good I am looking at from the outside thinking... ."I should be feeling this more, right?"  I feel anxious, and upset about ? all the time.

Here's a good questin... .what is really real with mine and uBPDh's relationship?  We had a nice weekend with lots of intimacy and only a couple of BPD blowups... .They ARE less frequent... .with shorter recovery times (because I JADE less and he says he's trying to respect me more... .it seems like authentic change... .)  So why don't I feel ok?  My words of description for this current period of my life is, "I'm not ok".  I can tell that statement is true.  "I'm not ok".  Something still isn't right inside of me... .Is it simply jetlag from the worse emotional abuse from before?  Who can tell me?  Can anybody tell me?  Do I even know?  How do I know?  Even Christianity truths aren't having much effectiveness in my soul... .I know they are true but they are not touching the ?devastation? in my spirit... .  What is it?  Is the devastation even real or am I simply in a habit of feeling bad?  Do I really feel bad?  How do I change it? Am I just being dramatic?  These words seriously sound ridiculous.

I went to pastor/counsellor who told me to relax and love more like Jesus.  Yeah that helped.  Back to square one of finding someone who can actually understand and validate that I am really feeling something very very bad.  That is true.  That I KNOW.  Now... .how to fix it... .  I downloaded an ebook, TEARS AND HEALING... .Guess I'll read that today.

I hope you are all having a better day than I am.  If I'm being a drama queen, someone please just slap me.

[thereishope]

Here venting again... .Seems to be a useless cyclical thing.

I find myself here, stuck in the vortex, at a place where I don't have any idea what I really think or feel.  I don't want to do anything anymore.  Feels like the movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  I'm doing the same things over and over again and now I'm just watching it like a TV show... .I don't even really want to post this, but I'm truly at a loss over what to do.  I have no where to go... .every plan I try to make in my head I don't like... .stay/go... .don't like... .Tired of disappointing everyone with my decisions... .everyone doubts me... .my kids... .myself... .Where did the spiritual/emotional strength I felt rising up, go to?  I don't sense it anymore... .I just feel stuck inside my own head on the verge of insanity.  Worst feeling I've ever had.  I can wake from a good night's sleep and feel it almost immediately when I "come to".  It just feels "BAD".  One thing I can feel regularly is ":)OWN".  Moments that should be making me feel good I am looking at from the outside thinking... ."I should be feeling this more, right?"  I feel anxious, and upset about ? all the time.

Here's a good questin... .what is really real with mine and uBPDh's relationship?  We had a nice weekend with lots of intimacy and only a couple of BPD blowups... .They ARE less frequent... .with shorter recovery times (because I JADE less and he says he's trying to respect me more... .it seems like authentic change... .)  So why don't I feel ok?  My words of description for this current period of my life is, "I'm not ok".  I can tell that statement is true.  "I'm not ok".  Something still isn't right inside of me... .Is it simply jetlag from the worse emotional abuse from before?  Who can tell me?  Can anybody tell me?  Do I even know?  How do I know?  Even Christianity truths aren't having much effectiveness in my soul... .I know they are true but they are not touching the ?devastation? in my spirit... .  What is it?  Is the devastation even real or am I simply in a habit of feeling bad?  Do I really feel bad?  How do I change it? Am I just being dramatic?  These words seriously sound ridiculous.

I went to pastor/counsellor who told me to relax and love more like Jesus.  Yeah that helped.  Back to square one of finding someone who can actually understand and validate that I am really feeling something very very bad.  That is true.  That I KNOW.  Now... .how to fix it... .  I downloaded an ebook, TEARS AND HEALING... .Guess I'll read that today.

I hope you are all having a better day than I am.  If I'm being a drama queen, someone please just slap me.

[Wrongturn1]

I went to pastor/counsellor who told me to relax and love more like Jesus.  Yeah that helped. 

#1 - That's awesome that you referenced Groundhog Day, one of my favorite movies of all time.  And I agree that life with a BPD person is like that.

#2 - There is a frequent poster on the Staying board who essentially told someone in a relationship with an abusive BPD recently, "you need to love more like Jesus."  Even as a Christian, I find that advice and analogy completely inadequate in dealing with a person with BPD.  One MAJOR way this advice fails is that unlike Jesus, who actually succeeded in atoning for the sins of the Church with His act of sacrificial love, there is no amount of sacrificial love that a human "non" can give the BPD person in their life that will actually solve the problem or cure the BPD.  People in relationships with a BPD person need boundaries for self-protection; accepting abuse from a person with BPD helps nobody and is not condoned anywhere in the bible. 

[byfaith]

Hi Thereishope

I hate that you are going through this. I could have written most of that post... .that is pretty much how I feel most of the time. I do suggest a book "Emotions" by Charles Stanley. I am almost finished with it. We both sound like we believe the same and wrestle with that inward struggle. I think we finally at sometime will reach a breaking point (not sure yet what that point will be) different for everyone. I realize everything this marriage to a uBPDw has done to me. That's why I don't post much here because I already know what the deal is. It really all boils down to how much will I allow to continue. It seems now some of the "small" things that happen seem to be magnified 100 times because of the bigger picture. I keep thinking maybe there is a purpose in all of this. My situation is too long to explain here but all of our situations are relevant to each one of us. The feeling of despair is horrible. Praying that this feeling will be lifted from you.

 

[byfaith]

something else I have been thinking about

There are some people who can withstand the abuse that comes with someone with BPD. They are wired to be able to deal with the backlashes and the crappy stuff that is thrown in their face. They can walk away from this person and not feel "bad" about it. Maybe you could say they are stronger people emotionally. My wife said something to me yesterday that I can't get out of my head. I didn't argue or retaliate. I let her know how I felt about what she said and then it was not discussed again. What she was doing was projecting on to me. That does not make me feel any better knowing that is why she said what she said. There would be some that would let it roll off their back and be "ok" with it and realize that that is what life is like with a BPD. I can't do it, not yet. Hopefully that made sense 

[thereishope]

I went to pastor/counsellor who told me to relax and love more like Jesus.  Yeah that helped. 

#1 - That's awesome that you referenced Groundhog Day, one of my favorite movies of all time.  And I agree that life with a BPD person is like that.

#2 - There is a frequent poster on the Staying board who essentially told someone in a relationship with an abusive BPD recently, "you need to love more like Jesus."  Even as a Christian, I find that advice and analogy completely inadequate in dealing with a person with BPD.  One MAJOR way this advice fails is that unlike Jesus, who actually succeeded in atoning for the sins of the Church with His act of sacrificial love, there is no amount of sacrificial love that a human "non" can give the BPD person in their life that will actually solve the problem or cure the BPD.  People in relationships with a BPD person need boundaries for self-protection; accepting abuse from a person with BPD helps nobody and is not condoned anywhere in the bible. 

Thank you for your response. It is good to be reminded of these things. It means so much that others understand.

[thereishope]

Hi Thereishope

I hate that you are going through this. I could have written most of that post... .that is pretty much how I feel most of the time. I do suggest a book "Emotions" by Charles Stanley. I am almost finished with it. We both sound like we believe the same and wrestle with that inward struggle. I think we finally at sometime will reach a breaking point (not sure yet what that point will be) different for everyone. I realize everything this marriage to a uBPDw has done to me. That's why I don't post much here because I already know what the deal is. It really all boils down to how much will I allow to continue. It seems now some of the "small" things that happen seem to be magnified 100 times because of the bigger picture. I keep thinking maybe there is a purpose in all of this. My situation is too long to explain here but all of our situations are relevant to each one of us. The feeling of despair is horrible. Praying that this feeling will be lifted from you.

 

Thank you byfaith... .I'll have to check out that book. ... Funny I was just listening to a Sermon by Dr. Stanley

I can definitely relate with not wanting to post. I'm understanding "what it is" too and am getting tired of hearing myself talking about it.

I too feel there will be a breaking point. There are things I really feel I would like accomplish some things ministry wise that this is definitely hindering. ... .Trying to wait on God and not just make another horrible decision or go ahead of Him in my own strength and reasoning. ... .

[thereishope]

something else I have been thinking about

There are some people who can withstand the abuse that comes with someone with BPD. They are wired to be able to deal with the backlashes and the crappy stuff that is thrown in their face. They can walk away from this person and not feel "bad" about it. Maybe you could say they are stronger people emotionally. My wife said something to me yesterday that I can't get out of my head. I didn't argue or retaliate. I let her know how I felt about what she said and then it was not discussed again. What she was doing was projecting on to me. That does not make me feel any better knowing that is why she said what she said. There would be some that would let it roll off their back and be "ok" with it and realize that that is what life is like with a BPD. I can't do it, not yet. Hopefully that made sense 

I agree with this thought. It is freeing in a way. I've been trying to fix myself instead of just accepting myself and the fact that I just don't deal with the harshness very well at all. ... I guess the fact that I've been researching PTSD and Stockholme Syndrome is telling isn't it? ... .

[byfaith]

this is going to be a dumb question... .

Do you ever just get tired of reading and learning of how to live with and learn how to deal with this illness? Reading of how to deal with loved ones with depression, etc and so on. How to live within the confines of this illness? Really when it boils down to it unless we want to drive ourselves nuts, we need to learn how to detach ourselves from their junk and put it in it's own slot while we go and try to enjoy a slice of our life. Then when we have enjoyed something we have to come back and deal with the junk. Some people may like the challenge (not sure). I have isolated myself to a very large degree. It makes me mad at myself, not my wife. I went back today and read some of the emails we sent back and forth from when we were first together. It was like a different universe. Maybe some would say that was a stupid thing to do but I needed a reminder of how far away I am from who I used to be. BUT I can say this, I have changed in some ways that have made me a better person. I just have to find the good parts of who I used to be and get them back.

[thereishope]

this is going to be a dumb question... .

Do you ever just get tired of reading and learning of how to live with and learn how to deal with this illness? Reading of how to deal with loved ones with depression, etc and so on. How to live within the confines of this illness? Really when it boils down to it unless we want to drive ourselves nuts, we need to learn how to detach ourselves from their junk and put it in it's own slot while we go and try to enjoy a slice of our life. Then when we have enjoyed something we have to come back and deal with the junk. Some people may like the challenge (not sure). I have isolated myself to a very large degree. It makes me mad at myself, not my wife. I went back today and read some of the emails we sent back and forth from when we were first together. It was like a different universe. Maybe some would say that was a stupid thing to do but I needed a reminder of how far away I am from who I used to be. BUT I can say this, I have changed in some ways that have made me a better person. I just have to find the good parts of who I used to be and get them back.

I totally feel the same way. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. Like reality and strength and a light at the end of the tunnel is OUTSIDE of here. But I"love my hubby"so I fight this every day and become more and more despondent denying what I think Is the truth that unless a miracle happens I can't survive in this situation.

[Infern0]

I feel the exact same way.

I was trying to explain it to my flatmate last night because she is struggling to see me this way,  she says I'm like a robot who only shows flashes of emotion and that it's hard to watch me just wasting away.

I have no energy to do anything. Or if I do get some energy it lasts about 5 minutes.  It's like my life's mission is to get her back,  I don't know where I stand and that makes it worse.  Being painted black was actually easier because it meant NC,  being stuck in push pull is worse.

It's surreal,  I am self aware and I know I'm letting people down but I'm not sure what to do.

I want to keep up my healthy eating,  get myself back in shape and things like that but it's like as soon as I try to drive in the right direction the wheels just spin out from under me and I get nowhere.

It's terrible because even if we do get back together I'm not in a fit state to manage a RS with a pwBPD.

Frustration is the key word. Permenantly frustrated.

[thereishope]

I feel the exact same way.

I was trying to explain it to my flatmate last night because she is struggling to see me this way,  she says I'm like a robot who only shows flashes of emotion and that it's hard to watch me just wasting away.

I have no energy to do anything. Or if I do get some energy it lasts about 5 minutes.  It's like my life's mission is to get her back,  I don't know where I stand and that makes it worse.  Being painted black was actually easier because it meant NC,  being stuck in push pull is worse.

It's surreal,  I am self aware and I know I'm letting people down but I'm not sure what to do.

I want to keep up my healthy eating,  get myself back in shape and things like that but it's like as soon as I try to drive in the right direction the wheels just spin out from under me and I get nowhere.

It's terrible because even if we do get back together I'm not in a fit state to manage a RS with a pwBPD.

Frustration is the key word. Permenantly frustrated.

I feel the same exact things, even though I'm actually still in the r/s right now.  People have suggested to me to try to start becoming honest with myself and with the true state of things... .(real emotional/mental abuse, real pain, real damage... .) I feel like I should suggest the same to you.  Are you able feel hope in any direction right now?  In all honesty, do you REALLY want to be back together, or are you just hurting right now missing the "good" parts of the r/s?  Are you able to see past it at all?  Are you feeling any desire to be free from the stress/anxiety/pain/oppression?

These are the things I have been thinking about... .I find myself longing for peace/simplicity/quiet/freedom, even while I am here.  You acknowledge feeling horrible being out of the r/s, possibly wanting back in... .I find myself feeling horrible (and feeling bad about that) here inside the r/s possibly wanting out... . 

These BPD r/s's are soo trying... .One big thing I've learned here I believe is that I can ONLY focus on myself... .getting "ok" in/with myself... .by myself... .becoming healthy/strong/whole... .without anything/anyone else doing that for me... .This is now my focus... .I don't know much about it yet... .but I want to learn and grow in this way.  I also want to learn how to stop allowing my feelings to control so much of me.  I want to be in control of my feelings more, so I can make healthy/wise/good decisions from now on... .not be so swayed by my "feelings". 

It seems like you have healthy goals and are working toward them.  Great job!  Keep putting one foot in front of the other (I have to remind myself too, all the time! )... .  I think maybe time is a factor in your case too... .I believe that as you press forward into these healthy goals, you will actually find that healthy eating, getting good rest, working out, (as you mentioned), being around positive people, doing things you enjoy,... .will start making you feel a little lighter... .Maybe filling your moments with good things will allow a little more light and peace in, which will shed more truth on the toxicity of what you just went through... .   

[Lost23]

I have no energy to do anything. Or if I do get some energy it lasts about 5 minutes.  It's like my life's mission is to get her back,  I don't know where I stand and that makes it worse.  Being painted black was actually easier because it meant NC,  being stuck in push pull is worse.

Isn't that the truth. I actually miss being painted black. Keeps you out of the FOG at least.

[thereishope]

I have no energy to do anything. Or if I do get some energy it lasts about 5 minutes.  It's like my life's mission is to get her back,  I don't know where I stand and that makes it worse.  Being painted black was actually easier because it meant NC,  being stuck in push pull is worse.

Isn't that the truth. I actually miss being painted black. Keeps you out of the FOG at least.

I'm so tired.

[thereishope]

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I think I started leaving emotionally a while ago but haven't known how to physically leave. The things uBPDh does is now driving me nuts... .He does really really stupid inconsiderate mean things consistently... .almost constantly.I'm not living with this forever. The sucky part is I care about him as a person and understand we are all imperfect therefore it's hard to decide to abandon him. This may sound lame but it's how I feel. More importantly my kids are all being more mean to each other and me. I have to assume it's because they are drinking in his toxic negativity and my stress every day.