Fighting urge to contact her family or friends

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm into week 6 of NC after my wife of 5 years (7 year r/s) had her friends come move her out and told me less than an hour before. Found out afterwards she had been having an affair. She has never been diagnosed with BPD but so much of what I've read on this site sounds like her.

I have been emailing her (no calls or texts though) to let her know: 1) I found out about the affair, and 2) We need to take care of her taking over things like her car & phone bills etc., and 3) To take care of the divorce, which is what I assumed she wanted when she did this (now finding this website has me wondering if that's really the case). Not one word from her to anything I've sent since she left.

Now the NC is really getting to me, and I find myself with the urge to call her mom (who is also probably BPD and a known compulsive liar) or some of her old friends from where we lived before. I guess just to see if they've heard from her, to get that elusive confirmation that she's still "out there." Then I get anxiety over the thought that these people may ignore me too, which would send me down a dark path of wondering what she has told them about me.

Anyone else go through this feeling of wanting to reach out to people you know she's probably in contact with? Good idea or bad idea?

[sl1978]

I'm into week 6 of NC after my wife of 5 years (7 year r/s) had her friends come move her out and told me less than an hour before. Found out afterwards she had been having an affair. She has never been diagnosed with BPD but so much of what I've read on this site sounds like her.

I have been emailing her (no calls or texts though) to let her know: 1) I found out about the affair, and 2) We need to take care of her taking over things like her car & phone bills etc., and 3) To take care of the divorce, which is what I assumed she wanted when she did this (now finding this website has me wondering if that's really the case). Not one word from her to anything I've sent since she left.

Now the NC is really getting to me, and I find myself with the urge to call her mom (who is also probably BPD and a known compulsive liar) or some of her old friends from where we lived before. I guess just to see if they've heard from her, to get that elusive confirmation that she's still "out there." Then I get anxiety over the thought that these people may ignore me too, which would send me down a dark path of wondering what she has told them about me.

Anyone else go through this feeling of wanting to reach out to people you know she's probably in contact with? Good idea or bad idea?

[Infern0]

Bad idea my friend.

As you say her family likely have serious issues of their own.

I would only do this if you have a mutual friend who you know is trustworthy.

PwBPD often surround themselves with enablers,  sympathy daddies or other personality disorders.  

The chances of her having any rational,  reasonable friends is low

I do know these impulses well,  but be firm with yourself

[sl1978]

Wow, you totally just described her friends perfectly. I will heed your advice.

[drummerboy]

I sent an email to my exs dad. I was very nice but I did explain that as he is a health care professional he should be making sure his daughter gets some serious help and not the homeopath that she is seeing for her GAD and depression (Strongly suspect that she has BPD and Bi-polar)

He is an enabler so has his head firmly buried in the sand and of course I did not get a reply.

I'm not sorry I sent it but really, what is the point?

She gravitates towards enablers, people that fall for the cutie pie act, and the "poor (name) act". She dumped me when it was clear I was not going to be an enabler.

Your ex will only get the help she needs when she realises that is her only option, until then, it doesn't matter what you or her parents say. She has to be ready for the hard work and from what I understand, very few BPDs ever get to that point.

[Mutt]

Hi sl1978,

You've good advice so far. Keep in mind with her family and friends. There's reasons why she's enabled.

"Blood is thicker than water"

"Water seeks it's own level"

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[seeking balance]

Anyone else go through this feeling of wanting to reach out to people you know she's probably in contact with? Good idea or bad idea?

I get where you are exactly - very similar story regarding an affair, ending a marriage, etc... .and I reached out to her friends.

They were HER friends... .that sums it up.  They have been with her way longer and as hard as it is for me to admit during that time, I wasn't the first break-up and they were probably aware that I would not be the last.

Me reaching out made me look like the controlling picture that had been painted of me - I looked crazy... .honestly, pwBPD have a very good way of painting a picture that seems very real to anyone not in it - I mean, don't know about you, but I certainly wondered many times if I was not the one crazy with all the lies.

Give yourself the time & be gentle in your healing process.  Put yourself around good people who are YOUR friends, so you are safe right now.

Keep reading the lessons here and keep posting.

Peace,

SB

[sl1978]

SB: I TOTALLY thought I was the crazy one most of the time! And since I have suffered from depression and have regularly been in therapy since my teens (I am now 36) I was somewhat inclined to believe it. But now looking back, and with the way this has all gone down, it's pretty clear that I'm a very well-adjusted person with good coping skills, and she is the exact opposite. She threw so much projection at me, and I guess you just get sucked into it when that's the person you're with everyday.

[maric]

I contacted one of my uBODexgf friends once, the one I felt I was closer. It was right on the time when she got insane, cheated on me, canceled vacation that had been planned for months and just said everything was my fault. I tried to be the most polite I could, not trying to say anything bad about her – at the time I had no idea about BPD – but sincerely asking for help with the situation, since he had known her for decades. He answered me something as cold as: "i'm sorry, but I am her friend, not yours. I wish you a happy new year" (it was a couple of days prior to Jan. 1st).

I felt like s*** after that and thought that I made myself look even more of an idiot than I was already feeling. Nothing good came out of that for me... .

[drummerboy]

Don't feel too bad Maric. In my experience they surround themselves with people of questionable mental stability. Think about it, would you have, as a friend, someone who talks about themselves constantly and is always putting on the victim act?

I contacted one of my uBODexgf friends once, the one I felt I was closer. It was right on the time when she got insane, cheated on me, canceled vacation that had been planned for months and just said everything was my fault. I tried to be the most polite I could, not trying to say anything bad about her – at the time I had no idea about BPD – but sincerely asking for help with the situation, since he had known her for decades. He answered me something as cold as: "i'm sorry, but I am her friend, not yours. I wish you a happy new year" (it was a couple of days prior to Jan. 1st).

I felt like s*** after that and thought that I made myself look even more of an idiot than I was already feeling. Nothing good came out of that for me... .

[sl1978]

Being calm and polite was always my move in a fight, and it only seemed to make her angrier. I often wondered if she just couldn't relate to me since I didn't speak her language (i.e. Emotional screaming).

[fred6]

Being calm and polite was always my move in a fight, and it only seemed to make her angrier. I often wondered if she just couldn't relate to me since I didn't speak her language (i.e. Emotional screaming).

Yes calm, polite, and reasonable made her nuttier. But then again being emotional made her nuttier. The only thing that worked at the time was to disengage, but even that had its price. The cold shoulder until I went back and acted like nothing was wrong... .

[Shell shock]

I agree it's useless unless, I suppose, it is a mutual close friend.

I sent a text to her friend that I had met, and although it was one long text providing context it got broken into 30 parts. I looked quite the fool, but I was in need of some perspective. She responded coldly, and my ex then texted me furiously which then unleashed some serious vitriol between us. We have not been in touch since thankfully.

[Indyan]

My BPD left for his family in the Summer (long story short), after a rage fit and screaming with despair... .

When I tried to call his family, I was told it was all my fault and that our r/s was OVER!

It was such a shock to me as I was just calling to check he was well.

[hurting300]

I just found my exes sister on Facebook... now I wish had not sent the message. But I wanna see my baby.

[Indyan]

I just found my exes sister on Facebook... now I wish had not sent the message. But I wanna see my baby.

What are you scared of?

You did well, a good thing you sent a message! Good luck.

[hurting300]

I just found my exes sister on Facebook... now I wish had not sent the message. But I wanna see my baby.

What are you scared of?

You did well, a good thing you sent a message! Good luck.

why do I get scared? Seriously I'm about to throw up.

[Indyan]

why do I get scared? Seriously I'm about to throw up.

Oh Lord, I was like that too last week... .

It's fear. But you have nothing to lose, have you? Either the sister is as mind-twisted as your BPDx and won't reply favourably, or she isn't and you might get useful information.

You have done nothing wrong. Some people would get really agressive in your situation and would not just send a message, they would threaten the whole family.

May I ask what you said to her sister?

[hurting300]

why do I get scared? Seriously I'm about to throw up.

Oh Lord, I was like that too last week... .

It's fear. But you have nothing to lose, have you? Either the sister is as mind-twisted as your BPDx and won't reply favourably, or she isn't and you might get useful information.

You have done nothing wrong. Some people would get really agressive in your situation and would not just send a message, they would threaten the whole family.

May I ask what you said to her sister?

I said please let me see my baby ... I did nothing wrong.

[Indyan]

I said please let me see my baby ... I did nothing wrong.

You think BPDx and her sister see each other?

[hurting300]

I said please let me see my baby ... I did nothing wrong.

You think BPDx and her sister see each other?

Yes, but honestly... .I think her sister and mother know something is wrong with her.

[.cup.car]

As I said in another thread, I contacted her sister. It was awkward at first,.but I indeed was acknowleged as the good guy.