"you'll be ok" - how do you respond?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

recently, two mutual friends separately reassured me that i'm a "pretty girl" and will "be okay." neither knows of my ex's BPD or what he did to me. i know they are just trying to be supportive and encourage me, but comments like that bring me to tears. this isn't a regular breakup; i feel like i am mourning a death. right now, i don't feel ok.

i'm sure i'm not the only one who has experienced this. how do you respond?

[pieceofme]

recently, two mutual friends separately reassured me that i'm a "pretty girl" and will "be okay." neither knows of my ex's BPD or what he did to me. i know they are just trying to be supportive and encourage me, but comments like that bring me to tears. this isn't a regular breakup; i feel like i am mourning a death. right now, i don't feel ok.

i'm sure i'm not the only one who has experienced this. how do you respond?

[fred6]

Yeah, I usually get. "you just have to stop thinking about her". I try to tell them, it's not like I try to think about her, it just pops into my head. It's not like I can stop it. I try to explain that this is different from a normal breakup somehow, that it's a whole different dynamic. Sadly, they don't get it. I give up trying to explain anymore. Most people think that it's as simple as forgetting about it. I wish it was that easy, I really do... .

[Mutt]

Hi pieceofme,

I understand. It feels like you're experiencing a death. You may be waking up each day and hit with a wave of pain until you go to bed. You feel great pain. Your friends and family may mean well and their sentiments are invalidating your feelings. A break-up with a personality disordered person is truly tougher than a normal r/s. Perhaps friends can't empathize what that feels like. I'm so sorry to hear that

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Yeah, I usually get. "you just have to stop thinking about her". I try to tell them, it's not like I try to think about her, it just pops into my head. It's not like I can stop it. I try to explain that this is different from a normal breakup somehow, that it's a whole different dynamic. Sadly, they don't get it. I give up trying to explain anymore. Most people think that it's as simple as forgetting about it. I wish it was that easy, I really do... .

The more I think about it, the more I feel that my difficulty detaching stems from two things.

1) The bond formed with the pwBPD is a trauma bond, making it dark, deep and twisted.  This is a cousin of Stockholm syndrome.  The neurological addiction mechanics here are strong.

2) My own childhood and life has always involved unstable people.  My initial attraction to the pwBPD and my motivation to stay are due to dysfunctional relationships feeling familiar to me.  There is a magnetism with me in regards to chaotic people.  It is not healthy but it feels like "home."

[Mutt]

That's interesting ReluctantSurvivor. Maybe create a new thread on Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome? pieceofme is having a real difficult time with being invalidated through difficult pain. Thanks  

pieceofme, if there's something I detested it was hearing "you will be OK" because it did the opposite. I felt worst. Well it doesn't do me any good hearing that now. I can relate. I think sometimes people don't know what to say, they may feel unease. Again I'm sorry.

[outside9x]

Hi,  I know what you mean and sometimes I feel real strong but today is not one of those days. 

Yes, the general population doesn't understand the torment .  That's partly the dynamic's between us and our BPDex.    On the other side of that coin is, if we make it seem like it's some demonic possession, some all so powerful grip that they have on us, then we begin to feel powerless and might open that revolving door that might be available to us.  Believe me I know.

So,  I talk to many friends and they still can't believe for all the terrible actions and things and the way she treated me that I would even think of her, like, Gee what the heck wrong with you do you like abuse?   

So, I get it.  So, I guess, just know that they can't understand.  Then do not give this more power than it has.   Right now, it's an obsession and all obsessions are tough to beat .  It's not so much them, though it feels like it, but its more about us and how we threw and gave up everything, but... .as bad as it hurts, and I haven't seen mine in over 14 months, and it still hurts from time to time, I know it would have been constant pain, with the same ending.  Hang in there!

[bungenstein]

Hi,  I know what you mean and sometimes I feel real strong but today is not one of those days.  

Yes, the general population doesn't understand the torment .  That's partly the dynamic's between us and our BPDex.    On the other side of that coin is, if we make it seem like it's some demonic possession, some all so powerful grip that they have on us, then we begin to feel powerless and might open that revolving door that might be available to us.  Believe me I know.

So,  I talk to many friends and they still can't believe for all the terrible actions and things and the way she treated me that I would even think of her, like, Gee what the heck wrong with you do you like abuse?  

So, I get it.  So, I guess, just know that they can't understand.  Then do not give this more power than it has.   Right now, it's an obsession and all obsessions are tough to beat .  It's not so much them, though it feels like it, but its more about us and how we threw and gave up everything, but... .as bad as it hurts, and I haven't seen mine in over 14 months, and it still hurts from time to time, I know it would have been constant pain, with the same ending.  Hang in there!

What I don't understand is why I'm finding this so difficult, this is someone who towards the end I didn't even like, I hated her personality, I dreaded her coming home, and I was on edge the whole time I was around her. I thought that I would feel like a free spirit when she left, and I did for a few weeks, I did not expect to feel this intense pain and trauma and longing for her back, I don't understand it, I thought I would be well free of it all by now.

[Caredverymuch]

recently, two mutual friends separately reassured me that i'm a "pretty girl" and will "be okay." neither knows of my ex's BPD or what he did to me. i know they are just trying to be supportive and encourage me, but comments like that bring me to tears. this isn't a regular breakup; i feel like i am mourning a death. right now, i don't feel ok.

i'm sure i'm not the only one who has experienced this. how do you respond?

Pieceofme, of course we here understand exactly how traumatic this process is for you  .    Unless you have experienced a r/s w a pBPD, you would have no idea how this feels.  I have walked this earth a long time, have seen a lot in life, am very empathetic to others , and I had NEVER experienced something as profoundly painful as my r/ s and subsequent abandonment by my expBPD.  Ppl mean very well when they say " you will be okay" or in my case " why do you even still think about him? Its over. Move on."   Or worse, they really think you ARE okay, bc that was then, and this is now. 

Its beyond traumatic to live through this experience.  We were bought to the deepest place of oneness w our ex's in a genuine sense of love.  And then we were left.  For no crime of our own. Other than love. 

I read on another thread the following statement:  We were loved and we fulfilled a need for our ex's... .until they no longer needed us.  The trauma is, we did not  experience the same. We had no reason to no longer love or need them.  We were still very much in love with them, and contrarily we deeply needed our partners to continue to stay with us. In that place where we were one.  But, their disorder kicked in and we don't have a disorder.  And all the pain we endured in trying to understand what was occurring coupled often with the horrible realization that our ex had moved on to another, while pouring molten  hot  lava on our shocked and broken hearts with them cutting us entirely out of their lives in radio silence. 

To me, a death would be easier to process.  This experience is a deeply traumatic mourning that we continually relive bc our ex's are still here before us.  Our r/s is over.  They are " here" but they are very "gone. " And, they " appear" no where near as distraught as we are. And we must process much.  Alone. Having done nothing to deserve this. But deeply love. 

The most well meaning friends, including my own, could not begin to fathom how this feels.

Sending you  .  None of us are okay yet but we will get there. We will fall and help each other up.  And the family of support here truly understands.

[BlackandBlue]

I definitely know how you feel. This has been so very hard for me because I don't have much in the way of a support group. I have my mom and sister who tell me stuff like "you need to move on" or "you're a good looking guy... .you will find someone else". They mean well but they don't have the slightest clue what this feels like. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

[fromheeltoheal]

One option is to take your friend's beliefs, and wishes for you, at face value; they want you to be OK and they're sending positive vibes.  And yes, becoming emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness is traumatic and wounds us to the core, us folks can surely relate, but another belief might be that yes, we were wounded, but wounds are temporary and will heal; disorders are permanent, wounds are temporary.  And of course, adopting that belief as your own, that you will be OK, at some point in the future maybe, and it takes what it takes, but it is true, and hell why settle there?  You may decide you'll be better than ever, and instilling that belief strongly will pull you there.  Take care of you!

[Infern0]

":)on't let it get to you"

Haha

I just laugh now. People are trying to be supportive so appreciate the effort but come to realise that you are going to get no real support from them

I'm doing my best to not actually talk about her to my friends anymore but it is hard and sometimes they actually bring it up.

I have one real true friend who has been really great and actually listened and made an effort to understand the real nature of the problem. She's someone i can just be honest about things with,  and doesn't ever tire of listening.  But I'm trying not to put on her too much.

Kind of have to find your own way through it. Up and down,  up and down.  But eventually you spend more time up than down and then you will be on the mend.

Take the time to process things and realize how bad you feel. We all on here are reasonably smart people.  We will get better slowly but surely.

[Mr Hollande]

People mean well and maybe we should be glad for them that they don't understand. It means they haven't been submitted to the trauma of BPD and that is a good thing.

[allweareisallweare]

Realistically, there's so much people just don't get about a BPD-breakup - I'm sick of the people indulging in the bull___ "everyone has breakups,"I mean those who just don't even try, who are just out to dismiss you. A BPD breakup is just so much deeper - a lot of us were abandoned, having no doubt fight for a lost cause - a mental illness, which was destined to consume us. You find in life very few people are empathetic, about anything. One one level they aren't emotionally intelligent enough to take on another's problems. On another they do't understand the depth and breadth of what we've endured. On a third they don't have experience of it. We all do here and that's were in good hands.

I was speaking to a woman for a while who tried to just ... .how do I say... .deny everything I said. She concluded "Perhaps she stopped loving you."

I was surprised - an ex of this woman committed suicide some time after the end of their relationship, I would have thought she would have had a bit of empathy to at least depressive moods.

The reason why we feel so alone during this fight is because of the above - like Caredverymuch says, there's not a lot close to the trauma we've been through - and as I say, it's a glib, cold world out there. I came from a dysfunctional background which was nowhere near stable and caring, so in a way you could say that I'm used to it. But the thing is that no part of me is un-empathetic. I can admit to not having had experienced something, but I've got depth, despite all I've known. There's noone in the immediate that is equipped to deal with such a large-scale trauma like a BPD breakup.

We have a safe bet in that there's the family here. We all hate how it fells - but we all KNOW how it feels, and if knowledge and having felt something is a stepping stone, or striking another notch of living and life then so be it. We're better together!  

[fred6]

Actually, now that I think about it. It may be bad when your friends and family say it. But I just remembered that my exgf said it too before she knew that I knew that she was cheating. She said, "you'll be ok", "you'll be happier", and "you'll be better off". Looking back, what an insult. Thanks for deciding for me whats best for me after wasting 3+ years of my life. Oh and thanks for cheating too.

[Pingo]

To be honest, I am afraid I'll just start crying if someone says something along these lines.  So I don't tell anyone about what I'm going through except for my one good friend and my T (and my kids of course).  My good friend has been divorced and he cheated on her and she remembers what it was like when her sister would tell her to 'just get over it' so she is very sensitive to my grief and has been a wonderful support.  I haven't told many what happened, my boss doesn't even know I'm separated and it's been 4 mths.  I am too fragile right now to even have that conversation.  I don't have any advise but I can certainly relate to your feelings.  I hope it just gets easier to handle those comments with time and healing.

[Lion Fire]

I know what you mean pieceofme,

My father, who knew my ex before I did said to me "she is very very ill with a dreadful disorder-pray for her, forgive her and yourself and move on"

My best friend said  "she's ill, cut her out of your life and stop thinking about her"

Both of these people love me and had the best intentions and not unwise advice.

The thing is, they haven't been traumatised so it's perfectly natural and rational for them to say these things. They mean well.

The wounds run deep in the aftermath of a relationship with a BPD. My head gets it that she is ill and disturbed, my heart has been hurt and abused and the two have not yet aligned. Until that happens I will still feel the pain. I can intellectualise and rationalise all day but if my heart is wounded it will still hurt.

I wish you well. Be strong.

[Bak86]

Most of my friends and family are supportive. They sort of understand it. I mean, they don't understand BPD, but they understand she was a nutcase. My brother even wants to beat her up if she ever contacts me again LOL. One friend said i need to stop talking  about her though. He is right about that. So i don't blame him.

My colleagues apart from 2(they are also friends) simply don't understand it at all. They know she is a bit weird, but they believe her when she said "we weren't that big of a deal and she simply didn't care for me at all". That pisses me off quite a bit sometimes. They also believe everything she says and does since she's high functioning.

[Blimblam]

Be glad you found this place and about BPD. Just think if you contiued to believe their projections that you were the crazy one and you were the source of it! I feel really sorry for the people that don't learn about BPD that are in a rs with a waif that never rages and destroys them.

[Wimowe]

I interpret dismissive assurances such as "you'll be okay" and "just get over it" as a (passive aggressive) way of saying "I can't/won't deal with this." I may feel anger, disappointment, or despair about the person's response, but I also know that it's that person's limitation. There's likely nothing I can do to "make them understand." If they were seeking understanding, they'd be asking questions and listening, not dismissing me with breezy bromides. I know I'll be okay -- eventually. But I'm not okay at that moment.

I would much rather that they were direct -- I can accept a clearly stated, and owned, boundary. I might be disappointed, but I appreciate the forthrightness, and feel respected.

I would much rather someone said "I want to help but I feel helpless." I can deal with that.

I can accept with gratitude the genuine love, sympathy, and concern behind well-intentioned but inartful advice. Often people sincerely want to be supportive and helpful; they just don't know how.

When I'm hurting like I was after my breakup with my xBPDgf, what I need is someone to be in solidarity with me in my pain and grief -- a process which will take its own course. I want to know that I'm not alone.

During and in the aftermath of my breakup, I was lucky to have found a friend in one of my Twelve Step Recovery programs who was suffering through a similar end-of-relationship. We listened to and were witnesses to each others pain and process -- without judgement or giving advice -- and we were honest with each other about our own. We helped each other process and interpret our experiences. Other program friends, my siblings, and my T were also supportive. These boards were of immense help. It was very empowering to understand what had just happened to me, what was and wasn't my responsibility, and maybe why I was susceptible -- and that I wasn't alone.

I had to hurt for as long and deeply as I was going to hurt, and at the time I had no idea how long that would be. It felt like it would be forever, even though some wise part of me knew that wasn't so. One day, after many months, I awoke to find myself hurting just a tiny bit less... .

[going places]

"You'll be ok, you're a pretty girl"... .

My response?

Yes, yes I will and thank you, yes I am.

However today is not that day and tomorrow's not lookin' too good either.

And the good I have inside of me is infinitely greater than the good you see on the outside.

Unfortunately at this time, I am really struggling, and I am glad you don't understand or have a clue what I am going thru... .because I'd never wish that on another human being.

[Lion Fire]

I can't blame my friends who don't understand.

Only those who have been devastated by a BPD relationship know this pain and hell.

[DivorcedNon]

recently, two mutual friends separately reassured me that i'm a "pretty girl" and will "be okay." neither knows of my ex's BPD or what he did to me. i know they are just trying to be supportive and encourage me, but comments like that bring me to tears. this isn't a regular breakup; i feel like i am mourning a death. right now, i don't feel ok.

i'm sure i'm not the only one who has experienced this. how do you respond?

I know how it may sound to you. It is as if they are dismissing your pain and they are insensitive to your suffering. It may sound trivial or it may sound Zen-like. It depends on how you interpret it. I told myself thousands of times:"You will be OK". I still tell that to myself regarding other things in life not related to BPD. I tell that to others too honestly believing in that. You have to have faith that things will turn right for you. You keep the key to happiness in your life not the other person. So when I say to myself that I will be ok most of the time that is what happens but not always and that is ok too! Suffering is intrinsic part of our lives.

[Bak86]

SO ___ing frustrating. Had a 3 hour conversation with a friend about my ex today. He noticed i still wasn't over her. I told him, you will never understand what ive been through. I told him it's BPD. He doesn't understand what it is and what it did and still does to me. I explained to him i still try to understand her behavior, even though i have simply no feelings of her whatsoever, but he thought i was just seeing things in her behavior that are simply not there. He thought she isn't trying to hurt me, but i'm just wanting to see things that are simply not there. I almost got pissed at him. So annoying to explain something that people can't understand.

[Blimblam]

SO ___ing frustrating. Had a 3 hour conversation with a friend about my ex today. He noticed i still wasn't over her. I told him, you will never understand what ive been through. I told him it's BPD. He doesn't understand what it is and what it did and still does to me. I explained to him i still try to understand her behavior, even though i have simply no feelings of her whatsoever, but he thought i was just seeing things in her behavior that are simply not there. He thought she isn't trying to hurt me, but i'm just wanting to see things that are simply not there. I almost got pissed at him. So annoying to explain something that people can't understand.

When I tried explaining to people about BPD they were unable to relate and frame it in their mind. When i framed it as I was in abusive relationship and I am severely traumatized from the experience people sort of understood but it conflicts with thier conditioned response to abuse me being a male. So i started thinking I should show them a picture of a battered woman with a black eye and ask them how this makes them feel. Then tell them I deserve that same sympathy she does.