Resentment towards Family of Origin

[Indyan]

Can you really blame the sweater at that point?   

Nope, but I can't help feeling resentful to the people who raised BPS, namely his abusive mother.

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[waverider]

Can you really blame the sweater at that point?   

Nope, but I can't help feeling resentful to the people who raised BPS, namely his abusive mother.

This is hard, even though the abusive mother was probably in the same basket. It just highlights that you may be able to accommodate your own pwBPD but others are unlikely to accommodate them the same, just as you cant accommodate any but your own.

This is the reason it is often futile trying to explain it all to others, their motivation to accept it is lacking.

Likewise I cant cope with my partners Family of Origin (FOO). I dont care if I could understand them if I try, they are not my problem. I have enough on my hands with one.

[Indyan]

Likewise I cant cope with my partners Family of Origin (FOO). I dont care if I could understand them if I try, they are not my problem. I have enough on my hands with one.

Indeed!

[Lucky One]

Likewise I cant cope with my partners Family of Origin (FOO). I dont care if I could understand them if I try, they are not my problem. I have enough on my hands with one.

Indeed!

Can someone explain this FOO thing (Family of Origin) to me.

How does it come into play, in sorting out PD's.

[Indyan]

Very often BPD runs in the family. In the case of my BPDh, it's his mother who's ill. His sister's weird too (very agressive, B&W thinking).

[Lucky One]

Very often BPD runs in the family. In the case of my BPDh, it's his mother who's ill. His sister's weird too (very agressive, B&W thinking).

Thanks for the information.

Both my parents have had PD's.

[ziniztar]

Can you really blame the sweater at that point?  

Nope, but I can't help feeling resentful to the people who raised BPS, namely his abusive mother.

I recognize this. I feel quite resentful towards my dBPDbf’s parents. They don’t acknowledge his diagnosis and her mom is even belitteling his issues (saying that it was reasonable for me to get into therapy because my mom died but not for him or her other children) as 'you really experienced something awful and they didn't.' She completely ignores his bullying in both elementary as high school and the fact that this is an illness, not just his perception. It is exactly this denial that is maintaining his sense of non-acceptance, being different, not being good enough, being less than other people. He is a good looking guy and she really likes to brag about her handsome children towards her friends, not acknowledging they have all been in therapy before age 30. RAAH! It gets me furious. The father is doing what he can but is clearly not proud of his son for who he is (an emotional man instead of the rational CEO he is).

That having said… blaming the manufacturer of the clothing, the laundry detergent, nor the washing machine will help you improve your current situation in any way. You could sue them, put a lot of energy in it and maybe even win the battle. Get money. Be right. And then what? That energy could also have gone into changing your interaction with your pwBPD, improving your life and potentially theirs too.  

[Lucky One]

Very often BPD runs in the family. In the case of my BPDh, it's his mother who's ill. His sister's weird too (very agressive, B&W thinking).

Thanks for the information.

Both my parents have had PD's.

I'd just like to ask: Does this mean I have it?

[waverider]

Very often BPD runs in the family. In the case of my BPDh, it's his mother who's ill. His sister's weird too (very agressive, B&W thinking).

Thanks for the information.

Both my parents have had PD's.

I'd just like to ask: Does this mean I have it?

Genetics are not always passed on, but it means you have probably been subject to a dysfunctional background which more than likely has left you with dysfunctional traits, and maybe an inability to identify certain dysfunctional traits in others as they may seem 'normal' to you.

Are there any traits in you that are causing you red flags when you closely examine your own behavior in respect to what you have learned.

[waverider]

Likewise I cant cope with my partners Family of Origin (FOO). I dont care if I could understand them if I try, they are not my problem. I have enough on my hands with one.

Indeed!

Can someone explain this FOO thing (Family of Origin) to me.

How does it come into play, in sorting out PD's.

It is hard to accurately say why a particular person develops BPD. Partly genetic disposition, and partly exposure to an invalidating and sometimes abusive upbringing as a result of dysfunctional parenting. It could be a result of either/or, and maybe both. Everyone is different.

Many people can be perfectly normal even though they come from a high risk FOO

[MaroonLiquid]

I realize that my wife's mother is enabling.  She watched her daughter throw my kids and I out of the house (for an imagined offense that was actually about her ex-husband) one time and I looked at her and said, "Mom (that's what we call each other's mother), this is ridiculous.  Aren't you going to say something to her?  You were sitting here the whole time and you know I didn't do anything", and she responded with, "I don't want to get involved".  I realized then, it was more about not creating waves with her daughter than it was dealing with "truth".  Her daughters "tantrums" were not a surprise to her.

[Lucky One]

Very often BPD runs in the family. In the case of my BPDh, it's his mother who's ill. His sister's weird too (very agressive, B&W thinking).

Thanks for the information.

Both my parents have had PD's.

I'd just like to ask: Does this mean I have it?

Genetics are not always passed on, but it means you have probably been subject to a dysfunctional background which more than likely has left you with dysfunctional traits, and maybe an inability to identify certain dysfunctional traits in others as they may seem 'normal' to you.

Are there any traits in you that are causing you red flags when you closely examine your own behavior in respect to what you have learned.

I just want to be sure we are on the same page, because I'm relatively new to PD's.

May I ask you to list a few dysfunctional traits and the red flags in a relationship, associated with them.

Or better still, I'll list what I think, and could you be kind enough to confirm or enlarge on them:

SCENARIO 1:

   Trait                                                  Red Flag

1. Arguments                                        More than once per week.

2. Silent Treatment                                More than once per week.

3. False accusations                               More than one or two.

4. Distortions of the truth                       More than 5

5. Tearfulness                                       More than once per week

6. Aggressive                                        More than once per week

7. Withholding intimacy                          Often

8. Threats                                             Often

9. Giving partner a hard time                  More than once per week

10. Jealousy / possessiveness                 More than once per week.

SCENARIO 2:

Now change the Red Flag                        Hardly ever.

for the above to :

SCENARIO 3:

A person did the above years ago           Has now stopped doing it

SCENARIO 4:

Person only does one of the above         Most of the time.

SCENARIO 5:

Person only does one or two                 Some of the time.


SCENARIO 6:

Mix and Match                                      Mix and match


I feel it's quite complicated!

I'd basically, just like to know if I'm on the right path, to understanding.

How about a person, knowing they have some personal issues, acknowledge it, and work on it, to fix it.

Is a person like this a pwBPD. I thought they pwBPD, deny they have anything wrong with them!

Or are there quite a lot of exceptions to this?

Back to the Topic - Yes I do feel a lot of resentment to my FOO. Family of Origin.

Not only resentment but simmering anger, in the EXTREME, that ANY parent can treat their child like this.!

It's an absolute disgrace! I disowned them. No contact.

So does this make me a borderline. No, I don't think so. Any normal person would feel exactly the same. Took me years to OVERCOME this, when I was much younger.

And then, I know so well, it can go into the next generation. Especially if the children are there, right in the middle of it.

[Indyan]

That having said… blaming the manufacturer of the clothing, the laundry detergent, nor the washing machine will help you improve your current situation in any way.

[Indyan]

I realize that my wife's mother is enabling.  She watched her daughter throw my kids and I out of the house (for an imagined offense that was actually about her ex-husband) one time and I looked at her and said, "Mom (that's what we call each other's mother), this is ridiculous.  Aren't you going to say something to her?  You were sitting here the whole time and you know I didn't do anything", and she responded with, "I don't want to get involved".  I realized then, it was more about not creating waves with her daughter than it was dealing with "truth".  Her daughters "tantrums" were not a surprise to her.

I get the same stuff. BPDh threw the kids and I out last July and noone said anything. I even wonder if his dad is scared of him frankly. He always sides with him. It has an enabling effect on BPDh, that's for sure.

[maxsterling]

My fiancé's mother was diagnosed BPD, and CLEARLY had severe issues her whole life.  My fiancé's maternal great-grandfather committed suicide, and has several suicides on that side of the family.  My fiancé no longer keeps touch with anyone on that side of the family, so I haven't met any of them.

I just spent a week wither aunt and uncle on her dad's side.  I'm realizing that many of the traits I am linking to BPD seem to be common in her FOO - yelling, arguments over nothing, tempers, obsession over money.  And her cousin's two daughters (10-12 years old) are having severe emotional issues right now - tantrums, screaming, arguing, depression - wouldn't be surprised if one or both of them gets diagnosed BPD when she gets older.

I don't hold any resentment towards her FOO, I just feel sad about the whole thing.  Two whole families (her mother's and her father's) full of people who can't seem to be happy about anything. 

[waverider]

My fiancé's mother was diagnosed BPD, and CLEARLY had severe issues her whole life.  My fiancé's maternal great-grandfather committed suicide, and has several suicides on that side of the family.  My fiancé no longer keeps touch with anyone on that side of the family, so I haven't met any of them.

I just spent a week wither aunt and uncle on her dad's side.  I'm realizing that many of the traits I am linking to BPD seem to be common in her FOO - yelling, arguments over nothing, tempers, obsession over money.  And her cousin's two daughters (10-12 years old) are having severe emotional issues right now - tantrums, screaming, arguing, depression - wouldn't be surprised if one or both of them gets diagnosed BPD when she gets older.

I don't hold any resentment towards her FOO, I just feel sad about the whole thing.  Two whole families (her mother's and her father's) full of people who can't seem to be happy about anything. 

This normalizes dysfunctional behavior to the point that to them "normal" is the abnormal... So were is the incentive to change, when they have no experience of what they "should" change to. There is feeling for the reason.

You also find families like this are adrenalin junkies, and removing the drama is like depriving them of their major motivator. In effect "normalization" can lead to depression

[Indyan]

Many people can be perfectly normal even though they come from a high risk FOO

Yes of course!

BPDh comes from high risk FOO in all ways: his mum's ill (likely BPD but misdiagnosed as depressive) and he was abused as a child.

[Indyan]

So were is the incentive to change, when they have no experience of what they "should" change to.

... .to what they are when they are not dysregulating... .

[waverider]

So were is the incentive to change, when they have no experience of what they "should" change to.

... .to what they are when they are not dysregulating... .

Thats not "normal" either, thats just the the other flip of the coin. What they look like on the outside as normal to you is still not what is going on inside. Their mind is still processing the world differently, you just cant see it.

They are still locking away grievances, and building pressure, even if they appear to be letting them pass. These are then dragged out when the pressure build up is too great.

How many of the "non issues" that happen during these calm periods are dragged out as "evidence" during dysregulation?

[Indyan]

How many of the "non issues" that happen during these calm periods are dragged out as "evidence" during dysregulation?

Yes, it's true.