If I knew then what I know now. Would things be different ?

[In Pain]

Woulda, shoulda, coulda !

The what if's of all relationships.

Yes, from what I know now about BPD and abandonment issues, it probably would have ended the same after 18 months.

But... .

The one factor that would have been different is how I acted and treated her. I just reacted explosively to her. I threw gobs of gasoline on the fire. For that I am truly sorry and wish I could go back and correct. For me.

Maybe if I had been more understanding of this small child. Had recognized what she needed from me. Compassion, understanding, patience... .But especially boundaries. Children NEED strict rules. Actually children WANT rules. For as much as children complain, they want structure in their lives. They then can understand right and wrong behavior.

True to BPD form, when I treated her nice, she ran away. When I was firm and actually told her to leave... .She came rushing back. I just didn't see the pattern.

I now recognize that her actions and sometimes what I thought about her were that of a small child. Freaky !

But who knows. We all talk so negativity of these relationships. But is it possible that these BPD people, who really are people with issues, might have the ability to be in long term committed relationships if we gave them the structure and boundaries they need. I don't want to sound naive, I just want to maybe see our part in this and try and stop so much negativity towards these BPD individuals.

The constant negativity hurts me as well.

I know some people are very hurt and in pain here, myself included, good life's and families have been ruined by BPD relationships. It's a shame.

FYI... .I still love her, she has a serious personality disorder, it's painful for both of us, but my pain will eventually go away... .

[tim_tom]

knowing what I know now, I'd have never gotten involved

[Deeno02]

I know. Im so still numb and love her even though shes with another guy. But I know she never cared. She just needed a person till someone better came along. Doesnt make it any easier. Wasted a year and a half... .

[Bak86]

knowing what I know now, I'd have never gotten involved

[camuse]

The real question when I read this, for me, is why would you WANT to be in a relationship where you are a parent to a misbehaving child, a relationship with someone who cares not at all about you, only about themselves, who cannot love you, has no empathy for you or anyone else, who will act up and is permanently on the lookout for someone to dump you for.

Maybe you did make mistakes which brought things to a close sooner than needed. That's great - one of the rare occasions in life where a mistake turned out to be for the best ... .because it saved you a few weeks/months/years/decades of misery.

BPDs are not capable of adult relationships. For that, you need to be an adult.

Take a look on the staying board at all the "success" stories.

I just took a look, here are some of the thread titles right now. These are, remember, the "successful" relationships where they are making it work... .

Long hard day... .

Why are vacations so hard?

How to talk about lying/deceitfulness

warming up the ice princess

Random lying

Dealing with Jealousy/Insecurity

Does the calm ever make you nervous?

I had to call the cops last night... .

Confused and tired

My BPD partner committed suicide

And that's just a the first few threads ... .there's 382 more pages of similar positive messages :D

I wish I'd made more mistakes and pushed her away faster, and saved myself a bit of misery. I remember only a month or so into our r/s she randomly said she wanted to end it as I made her feel scared. I was pretty taken aback, but said ok, if that's how you feel. She clung on for another 21 months. I wished I'd begged her not to leave, maybe she'd have packed her bags then and I could have be spared what followed. I have pretty good boundaries and it took a while for her to crush them. I told her to get lost 7 or 8 times, and yes she came running back each time, until she was ready to leave for good. But once you stand up to them, they are on the search for an easier mark. You are doomed either way.  Get too close, or don't get close enough, it's a game you cannot win - unless you count managing to somehow sustain a dreadful r/s walking on eggshells for the rest of your life as a success.

[Pingo]

InPain, my heart goes out to you, I know the 'what if's' so well.  I also 'reacted' in ways that I now know didn't help either of us.  And I asked myself the same questions.  But why do we have to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and keep a r/s?  We are humans, we make mistakes and we have needs too.  To expect that we can be a super human and neglect our own needs and never make mistakes is unfair and unrealistic.  As we come to realise this, the 'what if's' lessen.

Maybe if I had been more understanding of this small child. Had recognized what she needed from me. Compassion, understanding, patience... .But especially boundaries. Children NEED strict rules. Actually children WANT rules. For as much as children complain, they want structure in their lives. They then can understand right and wrong behavior.

Do you want to have a r/s with a person with the emotional maturity of a child?  Do you ever get your needs met when you are so busy turning yourself into a pretzel in order to meet her needs?  Is that nurturing to you?

Everyone here has probably asked themselves the same question, what if I did this better or that differently?  I don't think it would ever have been enough.  They are like a bottomless pit of need. 

[Deeno02]

InPain, my heart goes out to you, I know the 'what if's' so well.  I also 'reacted' in ways that I now know didn't help either of us.  And I asked myself the same questions.  But why do we have to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and keep a r/s?  We are humans, we make mistakes and we have needs too.  To expect that we can be a super human and neglect our own needs and never make mistakes is unfair and unrealistic.  As we come to realise this, the 'what if's' lessen.

Maybe if I had been more understanding of this small child. Had recognized what she needed from me. Compassion, understanding, patience... .But especially boundaries. Children NEED strict rules. Actually children WANT rules. For as much as children complain, they want structure in their lives. They then can understand right and wrong behavior.

Do you want to have a r/s with a person with the emotional maturity of a child?  :)o you ever get your needs met when you are so busy turning yourself into a pretzel in order to meet her needs?  Is that nurturing to you?

Everyone here has probably asked themselves the same question, what if I did this better or that differently?  I don't think it would ever have been enough.  They are like a bottomless pit of need.  

My problem(of many) was I didnt react. I either watered down my responses back, or said nothing, allowing it to continue and not fight back for myself. Afraid to be alone and I let her walk all over me with minimal complaint... .jeez, what a fool Ive been... .

[Pingo]

My problem(of many) was I didnt react. I either watered down my responses back, or said nothing, allowing it to continue and not fight back for myself. Afraid to be alone and I let her walk all over me with minimal complaint... .jeez, what a fool Ive been... .

Most of the time I kept my mouth shut, walked on eggshells trying to avoid his disappointment, his ST, and his occasional rage... .And then sometimes (especially near the end) I fought back and stated my boundaries and exercised my right to respect and dignity but all it did was make him more paranoid and insecure and made his disorder even that much worse.  I don't think there is anything I (or you) could have done to change how it turned out.  Either way, it was doomed.  The disorder wins.

[Deeno02]

My problem(of many) was I didnt react. I either watered down my responses back, or said nothing, allowing it to continue and not fight back for myself. Afraid to be alone and I let her walk all over me with minimal complaint... .jeez, what a fool Ive been... .

Most of the time I kept my mouth shut, walked on eggshells trying to avoid his disappointment, his ST, and his occasional rage... .And then sometimes (especially near the end) I fought back and stated my boundaries and exercised my right to respect and dignity but all it did was make him more paranoid and insecure and made his disorder even that much worse.  I don't think there is anything I (or you) could have done to change how it turned out.  Either way, it was doomed.  The disorder wins.

Yeah. Her last Treat me special or lose me ultimatum drove me over the edge and I went NC for 5 days trying to figure this out. She didnt contact me either. When I did contact her, she said we were done, she finally knew what she wanted (?). Next day chatting up the replacement while I tried to put it back together. After my Gym John Cusack moment, where she belittled me, I went stone cold NC. She has not reached out. Must be happy with the bald dude. Good for her. Disorder wins, I get the 2nd prize of therapy.

[Lion Fire]

If I knew then what I know now. Would things be different ?

Yeah, I wouldn't have got involved with her intimately. I would have stayed friends and had the occasional flirt with her from a distance and had some fun with her constant compliments. We were actually ok as friends, she was needy but entertaining and I could always get away or lay down a boundary (which I often did and she respected). As soon as I committed to an intimate relationship with her it all changed and I lost my strength.

[shellbent]

I used to think she was a blessing, now it feels like she was a curse.

[Blimblam]

As hard as it is to swallow. What's done is done. It hurts like nothing I ever imagined but it's a chance to grow as a person. It wasn't meant to last.

[myself]

If you followed your heart, and were being yourself, you did alright.

It's the other stuff that gets in the way, confuses us and causes pain.

You can't go back, and if you could the pwBPD would still be who they are.

I think many of us were drawn to them because it was like a mystery.

Finding there's really no solution except accepting the puzzle will be unsolved.

It still hurts, but I choose myself today. Having gone through what I have.

[neverloveagain]

In short no they just do what there gonna do. Knowing now what i do i would of never gone to where we first bumped into each other. Wish it hadnt of been rather than the coulda beens.