Why is it getting worse? Can someone please help me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm now 5 months post bu and I almost feel as bad as 4 months ago. The only thing that is different is I'm positive she has BPD/NPD, so instead of constantly looking at what was wrong with me, why I wasn't good enough, I have been looking at why I got into this situation in the first place.

None of this is making it easier, I think all this time I still had hope that she would change her mind, or realize that she loves me.

This whole time reading about the disorder and all of your stories, I could relate to. And I was hoping that I would be able to become the only person in her life who understands her and can avoid triggering her. I still tend to believe that she has a good heart. I think that there was something damaged in me and it was the same with her. So we "found" each other and could really see the hurt in each other, so we could give each other exactly what we needed.

My point is I am feeling much worse now than a few months ago. I think by reading on I kept holding on. I work with her so I always see and hear her all day. I don't want to let go. It was truly the only feeling that I ever wanted, how come I didn't know that before it was taken away. How come I couldn't show her how much she really meant to me. But I thought I did, I was kind and understanding with her, my only problem was not spending enough time with her. Also I could tell when something was bothering her, but she would go silent on me, so her passive behavior made me act out and raise my voice because I felt like I was getting nowhere with her in communication. I stopped being able to read her mind apparently.

I feel like this is hopeless, I am loosing my mind here and I don't know what to do anymore.

I was trying to go out with other girls, but I just can't get myself to stop thinking about my ex, and I feel like I'm dull and nothing excites me.

My relationship was at most 9 months, so why am I still stuck wanting her back, when she has obviously been around with a couple guys and I think is even in a r/s currently.

The most annoying part is that she has been avoiding me since we broke up. I tried reaching out to her, winning her back at first, then I gave her space. Then talking to her just to be friends but she did not want me to contact her anymore and all of her pain and anxiety of being alone was my fault. So I stopped contacting her completely for about 2 months now. The only time I talk to her is when she is smoking in front of the building. She smiles but also to me seems nervous and her hands start shaking. She is really stubborn, and while I have been giving her cake, lollipops and cookies by surprise, she thanks me and I tell her I just want to see her smile. She loves the attention and gets excited, but she never even tries to talk to me or spend time with me.

I don't know what to do, my coworkers all (but mostly my exes best friend) started avoiding me. So it makes me feel like I am the crazy one. On the other hand I am trying to spend time by myself trying to sort things out in my head.

It seems like I need just the opposite as she does, which is to be by myself and find happiness within me.

It has been some time now and she seems to be just fine whether I'm around or not. I keep thinking that now I could start texting her or reaching out again, just to see how she would respond. Even though I told myself after the last time I tried calling her and she didn't answer (just wrote back "stop calling me", it still struck deep. I just want to see that she can act towards me like I ever meant something to her. I want to see if she would reject my trying to spend time with her or what she would do. I feel so angry sometimes. I'm thinking about deleting her from FB. But honestly I think I'm too scared to do it. Even with working with her, I feel like I am hooked on her. I honestly wish to God that I would just forget her and move on. But until I have a "friend" on FB that isn't really acting like it I can still feel how it gets under my skin and hurts me. I really want to delete her, but I wonder if I could abandon her even more with all that was said and done.

I guess there can be harm by trying to get into her crossfire, but I think I need to see for myself what has changed in 5 months. I think I need to give myself grace and see that if she still harbors resentment towards me, then I really don't need her in my life. I am causing myself pain by trying to be her friend that she desperately want to prove that she doesn't need.

I'm dying from wondering. I don't think more NC would actually bring her closer to me. I've even given up and then came back to wanting her. But I don't expect her to want me in her life like before, but just try to prove to her that I never meant to hurt her.

I feel like I am too weak to do this. I know I should just not say anything to her don't delete her and just move on. But I don't feel like I can. It's getting worse.

[shellbent]

I'm now 5 months post bu and I almost feel as bad as 4 months ago. The only thing that is different is I'm positive she has BPD/NPD, so instead of constantly looking at what was wrong with me, why I wasn't good enough, I have been looking at why I got into this situation in the first place.

None of this is making it easier, I think all this time I still had hope that she would change her mind, or realize that she loves me.

This whole time reading about the disorder and all of your stories, I could relate to. And I was hoping that I would be able to become the only person in her life who understands her and can avoid triggering her. I still tend to believe that she has a good heart. I think that there was something damaged in me and it was the same with her. So we "found" each other and could really see the hurt in each other, so we could give each other exactly what we needed.

My point is I am feeling much worse now than a few months ago. I think by reading on I kept holding on. I work with her so I always see and hear her all day. I don't want to let go. It was truly the only feeling that I ever wanted, how come I didn't know that before it was taken away. How come I couldn't show her how much she really meant to me. But I thought I did, I was kind and understanding with her, my only problem was not spending enough time with her. Also I could tell when something was bothering her, but she would go silent on me, so her passive behavior made me act out and raise my voice because I felt like I was getting nowhere with her in communication. I stopped being able to read her mind apparently.

I feel like this is hopeless, I am loosing my mind here and I don't know what to do anymore.

I was trying to go out with other girls, but I just can't get myself to stop thinking about my ex, and I feel like I'm dull and nothing excites me.

My relationship was at most 9 months, so why am I still stuck wanting her back, when she has obviously been around with a couple guys and I think is even in a r/s currently.

The most annoying part is that she has been avoiding me since we broke up. I tried reaching out to her, winning her back at first, then I gave her space. Then talking to her just to be friends but she did not want me to contact her anymore and all of her pain and anxiety of being alone was my fault. So I stopped contacting her completely for about 2 months now. The only time I talk to her is when she is smoking in front of the building. She smiles but also to me seems nervous and her hands start shaking. She is really stubborn, and while I have been giving her cake, lollipops and cookies by surprise, she thanks me and I tell her I just want to see her smile. She loves the attention and gets excited, but she never even tries to talk to me or spend time with me.

I don't know what to do, my coworkers all (but mostly my exes best friend) started avoiding me. So it makes me feel like I am the crazy one. On the other hand I am trying to spend time by myself trying to sort things out in my head.

It seems like I need just the opposite as she does, which is to be by myself and find happiness within me.

It has been some time now and she seems to be just fine whether I'm around or not. I keep thinking that now I could start texting her or reaching out again, just to see how she would respond. Even though I told myself after the last time I tried calling her and she didn't answer (just wrote back "stop calling me", it still struck deep. I just want to see that she can act towards me like I ever meant something to her. I want to see if she would reject my trying to spend time with her or what she would do. I feel so angry sometimes. I'm thinking about deleting her from FB. But honestly I think I'm too scared to do it. Even with working with her, I feel like I am hooked on her. I honestly wish to God that I would just forget her and move on. But until I have a "friend" on FB that isn't really acting like it I can still feel how it gets under my skin and hurts me. I really want to delete her, but I wonder if I could abandon her even more with all that was said and done.

I guess there can be harm by trying to get into her crossfire, but I think I need to see for myself what has changed in 5 months. I think I need to give myself grace and see that if she still harbors resentment towards me, then I really don't need her in my life. I am causing myself pain by trying to be her friend that she desperately want to prove that she doesn't need.

I'm dying from wondering. I don't think more NC would actually bring her closer to me. I've even given up and then came back to wanting her. But I don't expect her to want me in her life like before, but just try to prove to her that I never meant to hurt her.

I feel like I am too weak to do this. I know I should just not say anything to her don't delete her and just move on. But I don't feel like I can. It's getting worse.

[Blimblam]

Damn I can relate to that feeling.

Look when you are ready to heal you will go nc of any form. I was in your shoes and it hurt so bad and everytime I reached out I got burned. And thrown back into the pit.  Having to work with her must make it extremely difficult. This is one if those things that people change jobs and move to different states to get away from.  It really is that hard if you attached deeply and it sounds like you did.

[shellbent]

Damn I can relate to that feeling.

Look when you are ready to heal you will go nc of any form. I was in your shoes and it hurt so bad and everytime I reached out I got burned. And thrown back into the pit.  Having to work with her must make it extremely difficult. This is one if those things that people change jobs and move to different states to get away from.  It really is that hard if you attached deeply and it sounds like you did.

Yes somehow it was easy in the beginning I was still in love, and would have done anything. I felt I had power.

So somehow that transformed into a deep hurt that I want to get rid of.

But something very deep was brought to surface.

Your posts have been really encouraging for me Blimblam, I see that you are an active contributor in the bpdfamily.

I was especially stuck on the inner child needing my attention. It freaks me out though just thinking about how a year ago I was really strong and nothing really was wrong, I was happy too. After all this, like my whole life kind of vanished. I feel like I am in some ways a child. At least the abandoned child is so hurt that I can barely sooth him, so I feel like dying.

But as you said I need to be the one who takes care of him and reassures him that I will never ever abandon him. I do feel much happier when I imagine giving my inner child a hug and holding him tight.

But that adult needs a hug also, and how could she be the only one who could treat my inner child the way it wanted. Nobody else even seems to care.

I don't see so much the good in people that I used to. I feel like I'm not even meant for this world. (is this a BPD symptom?)

Do I really believe that there can be no other who can love as much!(?)

Again thanks for your inspiration!

[tim_tom]

shellbent... .Delete from facebook, stop making him cakes and giving him lollipops... and if feasible, find a new job...

You're only problem is lack of no contact, the minute you stop any form of contact is the minute you start to heal.


I promise.

[tim_tom]

But that adult needs a hug also, and how could she be the only one who could treat my inner child the way it wanted. Nobody else even seems to care.

I don't see so much the good in people that I used to. I feel like I'm not even meant for this world. (is this a BPD symptom?)

Do I really believe that there can be no other who can love as much!(?)

Again thanks for your inspiration!

The likelihood is that no, you will probably won't have what you had in the idealization phase again (unless you get with a new BPD). But you also have to realize you never had what you thought you had anyway. You bonded with a disorder.

A healthy relationship will typically start much slower, but build much stronger... .So, the first month might not be as good, but 6-9 months down the line it will be way better

[Blimblam]

Your welcome.

I read yours was the waif. Mine was a waif too I understand. The waif is the sweetest girl you will ever meet ever! That's why it's so hard. All the the aspects if the feminine that are attractive are x2000 with the waif.  And they do have a sweet side but the other side is sonsadistically cruel it boggles the mind. They are the hardest to get over and open your heart the deepest. Their desire for love and caring was genuine but it was very very different than what we thought it was.  The waif wants to heal as deep down you want to connect to your true self this is why you were enthralled with the waif.

The waif is special and in my opinion the hardest to get over

[shellbent]

shellbent... .Delete from facebook, stop making her cakes and giving her lollipops... and if feasible, find a new job...

You're only problem is lack of no contact, the minute you stop any form of contact is the minute you start to heal.


I promise.

I cut all "unnatural" contact. Only when I run into her at work. I have felt like I have been healing. I stopped having any expectations so I wouldn't get burned.

But it was so tempting to get her favorite type of cookie. I can't help it I guess.

I'm clinging more to the feeling than I am to my ex, since I mostly don't even see the same girl that I was with. (Only sometimes, I wonder if she mirrors me then)

But I keep hoping that there will be someone else that is even better, but that isn't really something I want to wait a long time for. Also I don't like to date or pick up girls. And none of them connected with me as she did.

[shellbent]

Your welcome.

I read yours was the waif. Mine was a waif too I understand. The waif is the sweetest girl you will ever meet ever! That's why it's so hard. All the the aspects if the feminine that are attractive are x2000 with the waif.  And they do have a sweet side but the other side is sonsadistically cruel it boggles the mind. They are the hardest to get over and open your heart the deepest. Their desire for love and caring was genuine but it was very very different than what we thought it was.  The waif wants to heal as deep down you want to connect to your true self this is why you were enthralled with the waif.

The waif is special and in my opinion the hardest to get over

Yes exactly and then there is the "little lonely broken waif" and naturally you want to make her feel safe and secure and nurture her and cuddle her and rescue her and fix her and save her and heal her and love her and and and... just be near her.

[cancan88]

The reason why it still hurts after four months is that you pretty are in the same relationship, except you lost the sex, connection and regular contact like before. Your ex is still getting everything she wants and you are getting less and less day by day.

Take charge of yourself and cut all contact. If you see your ex at work avoid her, and when she tries to contact you walk away. You have to fight the feelings, the triggers and pain during the nc period. If you don't you won't make any progress, it's either you do it now or in ten years. Ultimately if you want to get over the ex you will have to do it, there isn't any easy way out.

[shellbent]

The reason why it still hurts after four months is that you pretty are in the same relationship, except you lost the sex, connection and regular contact like before. Your ex is still getting everything she wants and you are getting less and less day by day.

Take charge of yourself and cut all contact. If you see your ex at work avoid her, and when she tries to contact you walk away. You have to fight the feelings, the triggers and pain during the nc period. If you don't you won't make any progress, it's either you do it now or in ten years. Ultimately if you want to get over the ex you will have to do it, there isn't any easy way out.

I think I am miserably drawn to her wounded inner child. Somehow I could identify with it and feel her fear and insecurities.

I'm afraid that until I find someone as exciting as my ex I won't be able to let go. This has made me more alive than anything in many many years. Sadly even the gut wrenching pain and feelings of abandonment. With my ex there was so much passion. I want to find someone who is even better, but it seems hopeless.

[Blimblam]

The reason why it still hurts after four months is that you pretty are in the same relationship, except you lost the sex, connection and regular contact like before. Your ex is still getting everything she wants and you are getting less and less day by day.

Take charge of yourself and cut all contact. If you see your ex at work avoid her, and when she tries to contact you walk away. You have to fight the feelings, the triggers and pain during the nc period. If you don't you won't make any progress, it's either you do it now or in ten years. Ultimately if you want to get over the ex you will have to do it, there isn't any easy way out.

I think I am miserably drawn to her wounded inner child. Somehow I could identify with it and feel her fear and insecurities.

I'm afraid that until I find someone as exciting as my ex I won't be able to let go. This has made me more alive than anything in many many years. Sadly even the gut wrenching pain and feelings of abandonment. With my ex there was so much passion. I want to find someone who is even better, but it seems hopeless.

That someone you want to find is yourself. All those intense emotions all that pain is tha path to your true self just remain open and feel all of it.

Their will be times you want to dehumanize her and scapegoat becUse the pain feel too overwhelming. 

[Infern0]

You need to set some boundaries with yourself.

I understand how you feel but sending texts,  buying her cakes. ... .

Your devaluing yourself with this stuff.

I myself got waifed so I know how it feels but you are selling your dignity with these actions.

I still have contact with my waif and it's hard on me,  but I do it on my terms and respect my own boundaries. I.e I have NEVER texted her first since I got devalued,  I don't do anything for her i just live my own life. She reaches out more and more but I don't beg,  ask to see her nothing.

In this way yeah I'm still trapped by her but at least I'm controlling myself while trapped

[Blimblam]

You need to set some boundaries with yourself.

I understand how you feel but sending texts,  buying her cakes. ... .

Your devaluing yourself with this stuff.

I myself got waifed so I know how it feels but you are selling your dignity with these actions.

I still have contact with my waif and it's hard on me,  but I do it on my terms and respect my own boundaries. I.e I have NEVER texted her first since I got devalued,  I don't do anything for her i just live my own life. She reaches out more and more but I don't beg,  ask to see her nothing.

In this way yeah I'm still trapped by her but at least I'm controlling myself while trapped

Extremely difficult to heal this way but i completely understand.  With a high functioning waif this approach could lead to a long term non committal rs that sort of works.

[stopthathurt]

Your story really, really speaks to me - the only difference is that mine BPD ex is a guy.  You know, I would have to disagree with one of the comments that your never ending pain stems from the fact that you are still working with her and therefore still having a sort of relationship, without the warmth, sex etc. I am now nine months post and my contact with him has been very sporadic.  I have probably only seen him half a dozen times since then, although earlier in the year we had more telephone conversations and texts.  I went to Europe for three weeks in the summer, and then went away again to live in a cabin by myself for 6 weeks (I can work remotely) just to be able to somehow find some healing.  I felt I could not even be in the same city of 100,000 people as him - everything reminded me.

It didn't work - at all.  I thought about him every single day.  This heavy, heavy weight as if something was wrong that shouldn't be wrong but I was absolutely powerless. Emptiness. Nothing eased it.  All the same awful questions, what did I do wrong?  Did I not love enough?  Did I not give enough?  Did I turn him off in some way physically?  Why was he so angry?  Why is he unable to remember all the ways I loved and cared for him, or all the warm and funny times we had.  Truly and literally making me as unstable as he is.  Still I go to the therapist and even after all this time I just sit and sob.  Like you, he was what I had been waiting for all my life.  I love him more than I ever loved my ex-husband of 22 years.

That same therapist, who my BPDbf used to see, finally, and without actually telling me, allowed me to figure out what she had diagnosed - that he has this disorder.  And everything suddenly fell into place.  But you know - it didn't really make me feel better when I researched it - only more hopeless that he is incapable of seeing what he did to me, or even who I really am.

Just this week I saw him from a distance at a social spot - he looked alone and not very happy.  So I sent him a caring text a few days later.  He was cold and awful to me.  Said he was seeing someone else, and in so many words, not to contact him.  I have felt this week that I cannot myself go on.  How can another person's mental illness be so devastating to us, and why is it so resistant to healing?  If you figure it out, please tell me!  God bless... .

[fred6]

The reason why it still hurts after four months is that you pretty are in the same relationship, except you lost the sex, connection and regular contact like before. Your ex is still getting everything she wants and you are getting less and less day by day.

Take charge of yourself and cut all contact. If you see your ex at work avoid her, and when she tries to contact you walk away. You have to fight the feelings, the triggers and pain during the nc period. If you don't you won't make any progress, it's either you do it now or in ten years. Ultimately if you want to get over the ex you will have to do it, there isn't any easy way out.

I think I am miserably drawn to her wounded inner child. Somehow I could identify with it and feel her fear and insecurities.

I'm afraid that until I find someone as exciting as my ex I won't be able to let go. This has made me more alive than anything in many many years. Sadly even the gut wrenching pain and feelings of abandonment. With my ex there was so much passion. I want to find someone who is even better, but it seems hopeless.

I got divorced in 2007 from someone that I was with for 15 years. I met my uxBPD in 2011 and we were together for 3 years. So it took me 4 years to find someone after my divorce. The divorce was hard but we were together for 15 years. This r/s with my uxBPD was only 1/5 as long as my ex wife and much harder to deal with. So I figure that it will take just as long to get over, if not longer. I'm 42 years old and this is a $hitty deal, but it's reality and I have got to own it at this point. I guess my point is to give yourself time and deal with your ups and downs. Your ex had them and you dealt with those. Now you have to pay the piper and deal with yours.

Sorry, all the members stories are so similar and there are plenty of them on this site, that should tell you something. But did she cheat on you?

[Blimblam]

Your story really, really speaks to me - the only difference is that mine BPD ex is a guy.  You know, I would have to disagree with one of the comments that your never ending pain stems from the fact that you are still working with her and therefore still having a sort of relationship, without the warmth, sex etc. I am now nine months post and my contact with him has been very sporadic.  I have probably only seen him half a dozen times since then, although earlier in the year we had more telephone conversations and texts.  I went to Europe for three weeks in the summer, and then went away again to live in a cabin by myself for 6 weeks (I can work remotely) just to be able to somehow find some healing.  I felt I could not even be in the same city of 100,000 people as him - everything reminded me.

It didn't work - at all.  I thought about him every single day.  This heavy, heavy weight as if something was wrong that shouldn't be wrong but I was absolutely powerless. Emptiness. Nothing eased it.  All the same awful questions, what did I do wrong?  Did I not love enough?  Did I not give enough?  Did I turn him off in some way physically?  Why was he so angry?  Why is he unable to remember all the ways I loved and cared for him, or all the warm and funny times we had.  Truly and literally making me as unstable as he is.  Still I go to the therapist and even after all this time I just sit and sob.  Like you, he was what I had been waiting for all my life.  I love him more than I ever loved my ex-husband of 22 years.

That same therapist, who my BPDbf used to see, finally, and without actually telling me, allowed me to figure out what she had diagnosed - that he has this disorder.  And everything suddenly fell into place.  But you know - it didn't really make me feel better when I researched it - only more hopeless that he is incapable of seeing what he did to me, or even who I really am.

Just this week I saw him from a distance at a social spot - he looked alone and not very happy.  So I sent him a caring text a few days later.  He was cold and awful to me.  Said he was seeing someone else, and in so many words, not to contact him.  I have felt this week that I cannot myself go on.  How can another person's mental illness be so devastating to us, and why is it so resistant to healing?  If you figure it out, please tell me!  God bless... .

Hang in there and keep going!  Once you have 10 posts you can click on the members tab. There is a member 2010, I highly suggest reading all of that members posts. It really helped me to begin to make sense of things.

This might not make sense now but It wasn't personal.

Please be kind to yourself and feel everything fully.

I believe in you.