Help me with this last piece please

[Lilac0704]

Thank God for this forum and all of you. Seriously. I am so needing some direct words right now from people who understand.

I will save you the details (because you are all living the details anyway) but my husband (diagnosed this past winter with Avoidant PD; BPD) is making his best attempts guilting and manipulating me into cancelling the separation I assertively told him I wanted last week. This was the 4th attempt I have made but in my mind I was 100% CLEAR this past time and can't say the same for previous attempts.  Here are the main points:

-He is 43. We have been together 9 years, married 7, two young kids ages 4 and 1. He was previously married and has a 14 y/o son

-He got a masters degree in May 2012 (he was unemployed since May 2008) but is so dysregulated he cannot follow through with the certification required for his profession, so he is working at a much lower level job in his field and barely breaking even between his commuting costs and low pay. As a result, because of his job choice and his time in graduate school, we are deeply in debt. As far as how we got in so deep with the credit cards (in his name): he was not clear about how much he was charging over the 5 years he was unemployed. Now I am paying $1000 a month in minimum payments alone. I am a self-employed professional and bust my butt with a huge client load to essentially just make ends meet. I also pay his child support for my stepson. It is drowning me financially.

-It has been a hell of a ride these 9 years. He acts very "helpless" and clearly I am of the "caretaker" mentality, so I helped him all along the way- emotionally, financially, etc... .all the while believing things would get better eventually. He stonewalls, is passive aggressive and SILENT with the occasional rage. Again- acts like a small child... .he gains sympathy from me most effectively by discussing his trauma as a child by his mother (verbal and emotional abuse). He ignores massive issues and lives highly defended much of the time. It is not "safe" for me emotionally to show any sort of normal frustration or even irritation. Impossible. 

-14 months ago our younger child was born and reality hit me in the face. I went back to work 11 days post c-section because he failed to follow through with his promise to make up for the money I had set aside for a longer maternity leave (that savings was used up by his empty promises). I asked for an entire year for him to please help me out here... .I was drowning between work, home, and taking care of the kids/daycare expenses (his low level job requires him to be gone much of the day between work and commuting)

-finally this summer he admitted how badly he treats me... .stopped spinning the truth... .was in therapy

- 2 weeks ago tells me he has no or no empathy (!). His therapist then confirmed this to me in session later that week (my husband asked me to go to his session, essentially so I could hear from his therapist how much he is struggling and how to "help him".) It is important for me to mention that I was under the impression he did not have the skills to be validating; I did not realize he simply lacks empathy for the most part.

Since June of this year, he has ignored a few requests from me to separate. I give in because essentially I have TOO MUCH EMPATHY. I have given warnings for yeeeaaaarrrrrsss that things need to change or I am out.

BUT. I do not follow through. Essentially, I cave and feel just awful guilt because he reminds me I am "putting him back in the house where he was traumatized" (his words regarding his only option of returning to his parent's home). And he often says how he will try harder, things will change etc etc etc ETC

I cannot do this anymore. I KNOW this is right. I need a push. Is anyone able to relate to this ambivalence and give me some words of wisdom as to how to just pull the plug?

PLEASE SOMEONE SET ME STRAIGHT.

Thanks... .

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry you are in deep financially as stuck on a hamster wheel. Inknownyou this.  It suppoce it's a choice to have him around or send him back to his parents. It's choice you have to make and follow through with. He basically came as clean to you as he can about your situation and it's up to you accept him or not.  If you keep him around you need to be in control of his money and give him an allowance. He is a child.

[Tiepje3]

I am sorry you are in such a bad situation. But reading your story: you are soo much stronger than you think you are. Look what you already have gone through, juggling all that (kids, job, payments, lousy husband).

You already decided to give up on this marriage (and I understand it is very hard, it is not something you 'just' decide) so why not follow through. Trust yourself, you cannot seem to trust your husband. Trust your strength, you have already shown it. Trust your instincts, this situation is not good for you. Trust your decision, you need to think about you and your kids, you have thought about him way too long. You are responsible for your life and your young children's life. You are not responsible or his life, he is a grown up man. Take care of yourself!

[goldylamont]

Lilac0704, there is a lot of clarity and strength in what you are writing. Yet it's completely understandable that you will need every ounce of strength to follow through with plans for leaving. Being guilted into staying is an incredibly hard thing to overcome, especially with someone that you still have feelings for. I do think your gut is telling you the right things, that it's time to follow through with the separation. Just know that everyone will still be here for you no matter what you decide, or when you decide it.

I'd like to suggest you try posting some questions on the following boards--there are many people here that have been through a high conflict separation and can help guide and prepare you for this. Planning to leave takes as much preparation and understanding as getting to the point you are at now. I think it could actually be relaxing to a degree to get advice from others who can help you with the decision making, legal matters and self-support you will need during these difficult times. Please have a look and post here when you are ready:

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody and also Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

This may be the beginning of the end. But you are doing things for the right reasons. You deserve happiness, contentment and love. And I feel you are going in the right direction. Here's a hug for being awesome 

[Perfidy]

The massive oak tree. Over the course of an oak tree's life, it produces thousands of acorns. Each acorn has the potential to become the magnificent oak. Only a very few acorns become trees. The only ones that do are the ones that experience the exact ideal conditions that are conducive to growth. The rest become squirrel poop. Dang.


  You already know what you have to do. When the past comes to call, just remember, it will have nothing new to say.


   Emotion is the first to emerge. Feelings aren't facts. Emotional decisions are always wrong without exception. Basing life decisions on emotion will result in suffering. An apparent manifestation and apparition of our desire,  that becomes hatred, founded through our ignorance of reality. We give inherent qualities to people and things that they do not actually possess. We do the same to our selves.

    This is the source of all of our suffering.

   

[Pingo]

Lilac, I know your story well, it is so similar to mine except we didn't have kids together (we both have kids from previous marriages).  After almost getting completely out of debt from my first marriage, I allowed myself to get into so much debt again, waiting for him to step up and help out.  So many empty promises.  He was disabled for a period of time and that's around when he started living with me.  I didn't mind helping him out.  I thought that's what you do in r/ss.  I hoped that if the tables were turned he'd do the same.  This was my magical thinking.  As he got better there was excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't go back to his job, or any full time job.  He played the pity card as well, referring to his past trauma, etc.  Well, guess what?  After I ended the r/s in June he went back to his old job and is actually taking care of himself.  I realise now that I wasn't doing him any favours.  I was just enabling him. 

I know that feeling of ambivalence, that was the hardest thing!  Not being able to make a decision, not being able to trust in myself.  After years of being controlled and kept in a FOG it's no wonder you are feeling ambivalent!  I now realise that things would have never changed.  I would have got deeper and deeper in debt and more and more depressed and hopeless.  With time away from the r/s it  really helps to lift the FOG and see it for what it really is. 

I am sorry you are in such a bad situation. But reading your story: you are soo much stronger than you think you are. Look what you already have gone through, juggling all that (kids, job, payments, lousy husband).

Tiepje3 is right, look what you have already managed, you do have a strength to tap into.  It is a difficult decision.  All I can say is that life has become so much easier since I finally decided to take care of myself and end the toxic r/s.  The grief felt overwhelming at times but with time it lessens and each day seems a little brighter.  Not feeling so hopeless, there is a light at the end of the tunnel now.  All the best to you, keep posting, it helps so much.

[going places]

Run.

Run and don't look back.

Given the chance to do it all over? I would have let mine walk 3 years ago when I found out he was having an affair.

Stupid me, tried to do "the right thing" for the "kids and all"... .

Run.

Protect yourself and your kids.

Run... .and don't look back.

Don't live a life of regrets... .run now.

[catnap]

He will continue to use his past as a crutch to not take responsibility.  He cannot empathize with the burden he has placed on you including his own credit card debt a child support. 

Is separating a step toward divorce or in hopes of waking him up to reality?  Or is a legal separation needed to file for divorce where you live? 

FYI, he is putting HIMSELF back in his parents home not you.  His has a choice in the manner to complete his certification and move on or be stuck. 

[Lilac0704]

I cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time to read and give me such thoughtful responses. Each post I read was like warm sunshine. I really appreciate it.

[Lilac0704]

Is separating a step toward divorce or in hopes of waking him up to reality?  Or is a legal separation needed to file for divorce where you live? 


FYI, he is putting HIMSELF back in his parents home not you.  His has a choice in the manner to complete his certification and move on or be stuck. 

The separation is a step toward divorce.

I am aware now (over the past year or so) that he is not going to change drastically or enough to make me want to stay. If by some miracle he did change, it is irrelevant to my own choice to end the marriage. My heart is closed to him as a spouse due to all the years of abuse. We were not even very well attached from the beginning, looking back now.


Yes, I agree 100%.  In a rational state of mind, I am absolutely aware that he is the one choosing to go back to his parent's home. My mention of that to that was to illustrate what happens when I allow myself to be guilted into postponing/cancelling the separation. That is one of the many many many things that are thrown my way in attempt to derail me.

Thank you

[Lilac0704]

Hi Everyone!

I just wanted to post an update. I followed through with the divorce. We separated in late October 2014, shortly after I wrote this post. Our divorce was finalized June 8.

I am in the process of seeing just how abusive he was. And he has not changed in the least with his gaslighting and otherwise manipulative behavior, as well as his employment situation. He does see the kids quite a bit and it is working out as well as can be expected in that regard.

Anyone who is in a similar situation and has doubts about leaving- my advice is: gain support, dig deep, but follow through if needed. If you are here, you probably already know what you need to do. It is tough! But wow is it worth it.