Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 05, 2024, 06:09:25 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Validation
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Validation (Read 412 times)
cancan88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16
Validation
«
on:
October 16, 2014, 12:15:34 AM »
One of the biggest things I have realized coming out of my relationship with my exgfBPD is how much she validated me. She was the prettiest girlfriend i had out of the three BPD relationships i had. Part of the reason I stayed was out of the validation I thought i was getting by being with someone who seemed of equal status to myself. In my previous relationships I had dated down.
I'm beginning to build myself up slowly. It really hurts when the replacement she got with was kind of a downgrade(before i completely contact). Which made me question myself, am I just like her ex's. Her last two relationships were with very unattractive people.
If anyone has any experience. I have been going out there meeting new people, new career and changing my life. I still find it scary because I really miss dating right now. I still like that validation i receive from the people I date. Whether its getting a date or receiving a compliment. What do I need to do to find that within myself? I don't want to become that person who is against the world with everything.
My biggest fear is getting swept again by the next pretty girl I meet. Who moves quickly (which I like) and I end up losing myself another 3 years of my life.
Logged
newlyhopeful
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 27
Re: Validation
«
Reply #1 on:
October 16, 2014, 12:23:32 AM »
I think if you are only concerned with having someone of equal status which I presume you mean in the looks department you run a real risk of finding another BPD/nod. I think you need to be more open to who people really are not the shallow superficial outside layer as this is how BPD s hide their true selves
Logged
cancan88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16
Re: Validation
«
Reply #2 on:
October 16, 2014, 02:04:10 AM »
I dated girls who I wasn't even attracted to. I tried both the looks and without looks. The girls who I connect to for their personality, it usually fails because of the insecurity. They end up killing the relationship because either I'm engulfed or destroyed self esteem wise.
Bpd hides in both the good looking and not good looking to be honest. Just in my experience , I could imagine you are right too.
I want a partner who is healthy and someone who I am attracted to. I'm not looking to date a super model. Just a girl that fits me in both personality and looks. So at least I don't have to deal with the crazy insecurities anymore.
Logged
Blimblam
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892
Re: Validation
«
Reply #3 on:
October 16, 2014, 02:14:59 AM »
Why do you think you are so attracted to BPD women?
Logged
OV-105
Formerly Heroditus
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 23
Re: Validation
«
Reply #4 on:
October 16, 2014, 05:42:27 AM »
Wow, do I hear you. I guess all relationships involve mirroring - seeing yourself reflected back. At first, my BPD didn't just hold up a mirror, it was a fresnel lens, focusing the beam as if she were a lighthouse. It was an "elationship" - I came along at a time when nothing was going well for her - her father had just died and her relationship with her husband had been rocky for years (little did I know why.) So she thought I was terrific - so much so that it made me uneasy. But I loved every minute of it and became addicted to her affection and the dozen or two texts she'd send me every day.
Then, of course, it began to fall apart. Having gotten me between the sheets it started to go wrong - the subtle and not-so-subtle putdowns, the times of great affection followed by a day or two of silence or disinterest... .it became a nightmare. And of course my own self-esteem had become completely enmeshed with her moods, so when she was happy I was happy - but wary - and when she wasn't I tried everything to figure out what "I'd" done wrong and I felt awful. Talk about "psychological time" - I remember weeks or even days seeming like months. I shudder now to think about it.
I see now that it mirrored my childhood relationship with my depressed, suicidal father. Indeed, when "Annie's" life really fell apart and she started abusing alcohol and prescription drugs, I feared for her life. But the harder I tried to "help", the more I pushed her away because she couldn't stand anyone seeing her as less than the image she projected, one that covered some really thorny issues of self-loathing and guilt. (My approach was, "Feelings buried alive never die." Hers was, "There are no yesterdays!" No, I thought, but if you don't DEAL with yesterday, you just drag it into all the tomorrows to come. As many BPDs apparently are, she was openly scornful of psychotherapy, or anyone - like me - who participated in it.)
But as her life disintegrated (her husband became ill and apparently she had some ugly trouble with a government agency, which cost her her commercial pilot's license) the validation that had been so addictive - and still was, only now I was strung out - was gone. And rebuilding my sense of self has been the hardest thing since she totally called it quits about six months ago.
Once again, I can now trace this back to when I was a little kid. I saw my little kid in her at first, and indeed these two little kids met and fell madly in love. Only I was able to embrace both kids, flaws (especially!) and all. Eventually she had to kill hers off - it was too painful a reminder, I guess. And in doing so she almost killed mine... .and me. There were some inky-black days last fall. And of course I blamed myself for everything.
I've recovered from that, and I miss the "Annie" I fell in love with - and who fell in love with me - but I realize now that you can't have just have an "elationship", and you can't have a relationship with someone who has to ultimately deflect or destroy your love for them so that they don't have to confront their own demons.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Validation
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...