Validation

[cancan88]

One of the biggest things I have realized coming out of my relationship with my exgfBPD is how much she validated me. She was the prettiest girlfriend i had out of the three BPD relationships i had. Part of the reason I stayed was out of the validation I thought i was getting by being with someone who seemed of equal status to myself. In my previous relationships I had dated down.

I'm beginning to build myself up slowly. It really hurts when the replacement she got with was kind of a downgrade(before i completely contact). Which made me question myself, am I just like her ex's. Her last two relationships were with very unattractive people.

If anyone has any experience. I have been going out there meeting new people, new career and changing my life. I still find it scary because I really miss dating right now. I still like that validation i receive from the people I date. Whether its getting a date or receiving a compliment. What do I need to do to find that within myself? I don't want to become that person who is against the world with everything.

My biggest fear is getting swept again by the next pretty girl I meet. Who moves quickly (which I like) and I end up losing myself another 3 years of my life.

[newlyhopeful]

I think if you are only concerned with having someone of equal status which I presume you mean in the looks department you run a real risk of finding another BPD/nod. I think you need to be more open to who people really are not the shallow superficial outside layer as this is how BPD s hide their true selves

[cancan88]

I dated girls who I wasn't even attracted to. I tried both the looks and without looks. The girls who I connect to for their personality, it usually fails because of the insecurity. They end up killing the relationship because either I'm engulfed or destroyed self esteem wise.

Bpd hides in both the good looking and not good looking to be honest. Just in my experience , I could imagine you are right too.

I want a partner who is healthy and someone who I am attracted to. I'm not looking to date a super model. Just a girl that fits me in both personality and looks. So at least I don't have to deal with the crazy insecurities anymore.

[Blimblam]

Why do you think you are so attracted to BPD women?

[OV-105]

Wow, do I hear you.  I guess all relationships involve mirroring - seeing yourself reflected back.  At first, my BPD didn't just hold up a mirror, it was a fresnel lens, focusing the beam as if she were a lighthouse.  It was an "elationship" - I came along at a time when nothing was going well for her - her father had just died and her relationship with her husband had been rocky for years (little did I know why.)  So she thought I was terrific - so much so that it made me uneasy.  But I loved every minute of it and became addicted to her affection and the dozen or two texts she'd send me every day. 

Then, of course, it began to fall apart.  Having gotten me between the sheets it started to go wrong - the subtle and not-so-subtle putdowns, the times of great affection followed by a day or two of silence or disinterest... .it became a nightmare.  And of course my own self-esteem had become completely enmeshed with her moods, so when she was happy I was happy - but wary - and when she wasn't I tried everything to figure out what "I'd" done wrong and I felt awful.  Talk about "psychological time" - I remember weeks or even days seeming like months.  I shudder now to think about it.

I see now that it mirrored my childhood relationship with my depressed, suicidal father.  Indeed, when "Annie's" life really fell apart and she started abusing alcohol and prescription drugs, I feared for her life.  But the harder I tried to "help", the more I pushed her away because she couldn't stand anyone seeing her as less than the image she projected, one that covered some really thorny issues of self-loathing and guilt.  (My approach was, "Feelings buried alive never die."  Hers was, "There are no yesterdays!"  No, I thought, but if you don't DEAL with yesterday, you just drag it into all the tomorrows to come.  As many BPDs apparently are, she was openly scornful of psychotherapy, or anyone - like me - who participated in it.)

But as her life disintegrated (her husband became ill and apparently she had some ugly trouble with a government agency, which cost her her commercial pilot's license) the validation that had been so addictive - and still was, only now I was strung out - was gone.  And rebuilding my sense of self has been the hardest thing since she totally called it quits about six months ago. 

Once again, I can now trace this back to when I was a little kid.  I saw my little kid in her at first, and indeed these two little kids met and fell madly in love.  Only I was able to embrace both kids, flaws (especially!) and all.  Eventually she had to kill hers off - it was too painful a reminder, I guess.  And in doing so she almost killed mine... .and me.  There were some inky-black days last fall.  And of course I blamed myself for everything. 

I've recovered from that, and I miss the "Annie" I fell in love with - and who fell in love with me - but I realize now that you can't have just have an "elationship", and you can't have a relationship with someone who has to ultimately deflect or destroy your love for them so that they don't have to confront their own demons.