30 days and counting

[qcarolr]

DD28 has now been in jail for 8 months. She thought she could not survive this. She messed up a couple times, got her sentence extended. Things happened - I have been there for her in a much healthier way using the skills and tools here with the support of a network of people I started building in 2012. Therapist for me, therapist for gd, new group of women in new church, dh and I finding common ground and being there for each other -- put priority on our marriage first, then gd's needs, then DD28's. I have learned ways to be an advocate for her needs - finding her resources in the jail and supporting her in access to them (work with her public defender for medical and mental health needs). I also am able to sincerely tell her that I love her - always love her - no matter what even if she cannot be in our home.

She has one more month, she is getting some transition support in jail (she never accessed this before when dh & I stepped up with housing); she has been accepted in a transition program at the homeless shelter; she has reached out to gd with her love and gd is beginning to respond (gd did not want any contact since Jan!). She seems determined to be successful in staying clean and sober in the transition program and moving into living independently with success. There is a lot of support there for her in the community -- and I can advocate for this with her. Instead of for her.

We will see how it goes when she is released next month. She has asked me to make appointments in the first week out with medications pdoc, her therapist, the job specialist, the addiction recovery outpatient center (groups at ARC, her T will do the individual therapy for mental health and drug rehab - the county ARC and Mental Health Center are merging soon - to give better mental health care to drug/alcohol users - progress!). I am willing to support her in all these appointments as long as she is willing to go. This is a requirement for her to be in our home to visit and see her dog. She wants to become a "special friend" for her little girl. It is a long process -- one day at a time. I have to keep this focus too.

DD has been in jail before for DUI, assault, and harrassment. Lots of domestic violence tagged charges. She can only get housing assistance if she goes through an official program. Housing is her first step to stay away from homeless, druggie 'friends'. They call the beginning part of the transition program "First Step". It provides somewhere she can stay, store her stuff, meet with counselors. Get the bus in 5 minutes to where the mental health, rehab, and social services are located (she will get her food stamps, adult financial assitance, and medicaid restored when she is released).

There is always HOPE, though it may be a challenge to see it along the way. Everyone - hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Believe in your difficult choices - they are what needs to happen. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers for courage, strength, perseverance and lots of peace and rest. God knows your names and needs. I have found peace and rest more and more as I let go of feeling responsible for DD and allowing her to be responsible for herself. Even in the midst of chaos. This is what self-care is all about for me.

qcr

PS - I copied this from part of reply to another member's post.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the update, qcarolr 

It sounds like your daughter has made some progress, and the fact that she's finally "getting with the program" seems pretty life-changing to me, actually.

The fact that she seems to have some hope of a better life, while understanding her responsibilities within it, also sounds good.

She's been through a lot, and so have you and your family... .I truly hope and pray that the tide has turned and things will progress in the right direction after she's out of jail and hopefully working within the system they are setting up for her. Although it still may be 2 steps forward, and one step back, here's to a good future for her and your family 

[Thursday]

So glad to read this thread.

There are so many important things here. Especially-

Believe in your difficult choices - they are what needs to happen.

I have found peace and rest more and more as I let go of feeling responsible for DD and allowing her to be responsible for herself. Even in the midst of chaos.

There is always HOPE, though it may be a challenge to see it along the way. Everyone - hang in there. Be kind to yourself

It REALLY is so vitally important to get the oxygen mask on yourself first.

BELIEVE IN YOUR DIFFICULT CHOICES. This should be the t-shirt quote for our members. The bumper sticker.

q. I feel honored to know your story, to know YOU through your words, to understand your difficult situation and to know you keep being open to learning and to changing direction or tweaking your journey when needed and to loving everyone in your family, including yourself. Difficult choices... .oh so many difficult choices.



Thursday

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for keeping us informed about what's happening in your family's lives, qcr.

It seems that the community resources are coming together this time. It sounds hopeful especially about the housing options for your dd.

Now there is a clear goal, she can work towards success, and you can support her on her way. And should she slip up, there is a clear path to get back to.

[qcarolr]

Now there is a clear goal, she can work towards success, and you can support her on her way. And should she slip up, there is a clear path to get back to.

When DD gets released she will be done with all the charges for past 33 months. That is a long time to be under the constant authority of the courts. I wonder if being on her own now, living totally for herself - swimming on her own with a few flotation devices nearby when it feels like overwhelming treading of water - will boost her motivation to stay on task. There is so much work for her to do. Appointments to  make, groups to attend. My best is to continue to believe in her -- she can find her way.

I so appreciate my friends here that are traveling with me on this bumpy journey.

qcr