Ugh, I caved and made contact

[Mommakiwi]

So after about a week of no contact with my uPBDm and dad I caved and sent my m a text. All it said was I hope you are safe. We love you. It took 2 days but she finally responded last night.

The response I got wasn't nasty nor was it vile. I'm so confused though. It reads like she is trying to be civil. My dad has always said she is super smart, which she is, and she has a gift for making you rethink the things that have happened and twisting things in her favor. I know that she has ever right to be upset that my dad, sister, and I were discussing her behind her back, but we really meant no harm. We honestly were trying to figure out what we could do as a family to help her.

Reading the text made me keep rethinking the things I have said or done, and I know that honestly I have not done anything wrong in my eyes. I even had my husband read the text to make sure I wasn't just reading too much emotion into it. He said he read it as if she has made her decision and is done with our relationship.

I'm just confused and ultimately saddened by what has transpired.   :'(I want to respond, but as my husband pointed out do I want to just argue with her and try to change her mind, or just leave it alone?

I have a call out to my counselor for a session hopefully tomorrow, since she knows he situation and may be ab,e to help me a little with weather or not to respond.

[Harri]

Mommakiwi, you did nothing wrong.  You sent a simple message that you hoped she is safe and that you love her.  That shows genuine caring and love and that was very kind of you.  Just leave it as it is at least until you can talk with your T.  You know your parents best and you know yourself better than anyone here. 

I think your husband has a good point about arguing to try to change her mind so just sit with this a bit until you can decided if you want to text more.  It is fine to leave things where they are right now.  Giving it time and talking with your T can help you wade through how to handle this with your needs in mind rather than your mom's.

One of the saddest realizations I had with my mother is that while I loved her and I was concerned for her, she behaved in ways that would not allow me to demonstrate those emotions. 

[Jema]

I know that she has ever right to be upset that my dad, sister, and I were discussing her behind her back, but we really meant no harm. We honestly were trying to figure out what we could do as a family to help her.

Everything you have done has been reasonable, Kiwi. I think you are doing a fine job of dealing with your situation.

Be careful, here, with FOG (see the Glossary), though.

I have similar issues that my uBPDm gets very upset when she suspects others in the family are having such discussions. If you mean no harm and are sincere in your motivations, I see no reason to feel guilty. I do know that it is easy to get caught up in the moment. I think that is why it's important to focus on JADE, SET, and RAIN. JADE being the most important in this regard, I feel.

One of the saddest realizations I had with my mother is that while I loved her and I was concerned for her, she behaved in ways that would not allow me to demonstrate those emotions. 

Brilliant, Harri! Thank you for this. You just made my day by expressing something I have been feeling for a long time, but have not been able to articulate.

Cheers,

Jema

[Harri]

Jema, I am glad my words resonated with you.

I used to think there was something wrong with me and that I was not capable of love because I was so angry and hurt by my mother and family and I wanted to stay away.  It took watching my mother dying and how I handled that and choices we had to make and then reflecting back on my life to recognize that truth.

Be well.   

[Mommakiwi]

This is why I am loving this website! You guys are so supportive! 

I was able to get in my T today and we were able to determine that since mom has made it back home after leaving 2 weeks ago it would be easier not to respond and write this whole thing off as another episode. I am still going to avoid contact to avoid the nasty vile stuff. I will be aknowledging her birday in a few weeks with a card or flowers or something. And then the holidays with something as well.

I feel so much better after talking with her and getting my feelings and thoughts more in order. It's funny, but sometimes it takes a professional telling me what everyone else has been saying for it all to sink in. Guess I'm a little hard headed... .oops! 

I'm working on learning all the abbreviations, but I will get them down and start using them more and more!

Thanks again for the encouragement!