BPD sexuality and projection

[Loveofhislife]

So, this week Pollyana has had to face her denial about her virginal exbfBPD waif. The first time I kissed him, it was like kissing a little boy (not sexy--he was 47; I was 51). It was not passionate--and when I touched his face, he said no one had ever touched him like that. I was struck--it seemed that this man, married to 3 different people, 1 who he married twice with a total of 17 years married, had never been passionately kissed. I bought it. Hook line and sinker.

A few weeks later "the moment was right" and we made love. Well, kinda. Again, it felt like he had never been sexual in his life. He has an amazing body--and had certainly talked sexy to me for weeks. He's fathered at least three children--one when he was only 18: 30 years ago.

In the midst of our first love making session, I said something sexual that made him recoil. He made me feel like I had been too dirty for his virginal self. He began to construe that I was "too experienced" for him. I had only been married to one man--for 25 years, but I'm very expressive, and exbfBPD let me know he had never been with anyone so open and so sexual--that his ex wife had been so drugged up that she lost interest in sex.

So, to find out this week that he was on some pretty hard core porn sites--where he was posting and sharing pictures: before, during, and after me was yet another shock. For the past year, he damned me and goaded me for being SOO sexual--he just knew I was very experienced and permiscuous and sleeping with everyone. I told him countless times I was completely faithful.  At first, his assertions made me laugh; I'm pretty damned boring. But it was somewhat flattering.

Why the farce? Why the act? And then leave me for... .? I don't know; he just left. Was he just acting? Projecting?

[peiper]

So, this week Pollyana has had to face her denial about her virginal exbfBPD waif. The first time I kissed him, it was like kissing a little boy (not sexy--he was 47; I was 51). It was not passionate--and when I touched his face, he said no one had ever touched him like that. I was struck--it seemed that this man, married to 3 different people, 1 who he married twice with a total of 17 years married, had never been passionately kissed. I bought it. Hook line and sinker.

A few weeks later "the moment was right" and we made love. Well, kinda. Again, it felt like he had never been sexual in his life. He has an amazing body--and had certainly talked sexy to me for weeks. He's fathered at least three children--one when he was only 18: 30 years ago.

In the midst of our first love making session, I said something sexual that made him recoil. He made me feel like I had been too dirty for his virginal self. He began to construe that I was "too experienced" for him. I had only been married to one man--for 25 years, but I'm very expressive, and exbfBPD let me know he had never been with anyone so open and so sexual--that his ex wife had been so drugged up that she lost interest in sex.

So, to find out this week that he was on some pretty hard core porn sites--where he was posting and sharing pictures: before, during, and after me was yet another shock. For the past year, he damned me and goaded me for being SOO sexual--he just knew I was very experienced and permiscuous and sleeping with everyone. I told him countless times I was completely faithful.  At first, his assertions made me laugh; I'm pretty damned boring. But it was somewhat flattering.

Why the farce? Why the act? And then leave me for... .? I don't know; he just left. Was he just acting? Projecting?

My ExBPDw played the very same games. I bought into it, but looking back now it was an act on her part. I don't know if she knows who she is.

[patientandclear]

Well ... .

A few considerations.

First, have you read Jeffrey Young's work on schema treatment for pwBPD?  You can google and read one of several short articles he and co-authors have written that discuss "modes" that pwBPD shift between.  As Young explains, these modes are almost as distinct as multiple personalities.  Very very different presentations, attitudes and behaviors are going to co-exist in the same person depending on the mode that is at the fore at a given time.

So the contrast between "he seems virginal and naive" and "he uses hard core porn sites and uploads photos himself" is not as weird or disingenuous as it might seem.

Second, my ex wBPD experienced sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted adult when he was a kid.  He had a complex and shifting relationship to sex during our relationship.  Like your guy, he came across with me as innocent and somewhat inexperienced and shy.  I am more open and easily sensual and he remarked on it often.  He didn't explicitly say so but I think it made him uncomfortable and a little suspicious of me.  More important, while he made a big effort to please me and not to demonstrate discomfort, I gathered from little things he said here and there that he really had an anxious relationship to sex.  I think he thought people would get close to him just to use him physically, you know?  And he seems to find combining physical and emotional intimacy terrifying.  So ... .I wouldn't be shocked to find that he had a lot of anonymous sex.  Whatever his sexual reality was, though, I am certain it was driven by early trauma and sexual abuse he suffered.

So ... .I guess I'd say, what you've discovered is more evidence that your ex is a contradictory complex mass of conflicting "modes" and impulses around sex.  :)o you know whether he has any sexual abuse history?

[myself]

It's avoiding intimacy, no matter how you slice it.

[Loveofhislife]

Peiper--if an act; he definitely gave an Oscar winning performance; even a few weeks ago I was writing on this board, "I don't think he's cheating; he never seemed that into sex." That's why I'm calling myself Pollyanna. One of the online sites I found him on goes back to 6/18/13--and it's a definite online porn/sharing and hookup site. I really was shocked. I had to listen for an entire year what a who** I was and a cheater and a pervert. I am not, and I could never understand why he was so fixated on that.

And I did feel like I was teaching him--he did seem quite inexperienced and a control freak. I know he loved it but this makes me think I need to go get tested now! This meet up group looks quite salacious.

Patient--I really want to get Young's book; it does feel like I was with someone with multiple personality disorder. As far as sexual abuse, I wouldn't rule it out. I know there was some physical abuse and neglect by his father, and somehow exbfBPD's first wife and daughter both were sexually abused. He accused the first wife of sexually abusing his daughter--which would be VERY rare and may have been custody battle/child support related. He said he married her to "save" her--close to what he said about his second wife who he married twice.

Myself--I totally agree about the intimacy avoidance and reluctance. I learned a word on one of the narcissism sites, "auto erotic;" it said a lot of NPD prefer pleasing themselves or having online sex: anything to avoid actual intimacy with another human being.

It's just so confounding that he would have acted so naive and inexperienced and spent a year trying to make me sound like "Looking for Mr. Goodbar"--when I was completely faithful; he was hooking up online and God knows where else and with whom.

Often he acted afraid to go home to his apartment or to stay alone--I know there are multiple BPD reasons for this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had former hook-ups stalking him; I know I had a private investigator follow me out of his apartment one night.

Two weeks before my abandonment, he rather suddenly asked me for the keys to his apartment--said his son needed them, which made no sense at the time. There was some reason he didn't want me in his apartment or to have access... .hmmm

[peiper]

Mine actually said she thought her ex husband was gay because he never wanted sex. I bought into it, But after being on that abusive ride I can understand why. At the end I didn't want any sex with her !

[Caredverymuch]

So, this week Pollyana has had to face her denial about her virginal exbfBPD waif. The first time I kissed him, it was like kissing a little boy (not sexy--he was 47; I was 51). It was not passionate--and when I touched his face, he said no one had ever touched him like that. I was struck--it seemed that this man, married to 3 different people, 1 who he married twice with a total of 17 years married, had never been passionately kissed. I bought it. Hook line and sinker.

A few weeks later "the moment was right" and we made love. Well, kinda. Again, it felt like he had never been sexual in his life. He has an amazing body--and had certainly talked sexy to me for weeks. He's fathered at least three children--one when he was only 18: 30 years ago.

In the midst of our first love making session, I said something sexual that made him recoil. He made me feel like I had been too dirty for his virginal self. He began to construe that I was "too experienced" for him. I had only been married to one man--for 25 years, but I'm very expressive, and exbfBPD let me know he had never been with anyone so open and so sexual--that his ex wife had been so drugged up that she lost interest in sex.

So, to find out this week that he was on some pretty hard core porn sites--where he was posting and sharing pictures: before, during, and after me was yet another shock. For the past year, he damned me and goaded me for being SOO sexual--he just knew I was very experienced and permiscuous and sleeping with everyone. I told him countless times I was completely faithful.  At first, his assertions made me laugh; I'm pretty damned boring. But it was somewhat flattering.

Why the farce? Why the act? And then leave me for... .? I don't know; he just left. Was he just acting? Projecting?

LOHL, once again. I could have written this very post.  Wow. We really were with identical twins. I really cannot believe I am reading my very experience. 

I was married for the same length of time as you. Monogamous. Faithful. 

I was told by my shy and seemingly inexperienced expBPD who had been married twice before that never, not even with his spouse(s), had he experienced the passion in our kiss.  He had never been kissed or gently touched the way I shared. He would blush.  Act so innocent and boy like. He also told me he had never been entirely naked with anyone else but me.  Too ashamed and never felt the degree of comfort and love he felt with me. This just blew his mind that he found " the one" he was meant to be with.   Finally.

He acted like sex was unimportant to him, although he was beyond sexually free in his communications w me during idealization. It was like passion to the endth degree bc he felt " so comfortable" for the first time in his life.  This was something he only shared "with me."

I bought IT ALL. 

He put sex off for some time and once we ventured there, he acted like this was an entirely new experience for him.  With " experienced me" and he continually said I was so free and passionate that he couldn't believe how " safe" he felt. To be the same.  I was like no other he had ever met?  I was " so wild".   Mind you, I was monogamous in my marriage for decades before our r /s.

Wow, for someone who was so "inexperienced"  he knew far more than I did.  Far more.  Terms I had never heard of, as in I had to look them up, would come out of his mouth when he was just " joking around" and talking it up.  He knew how to please in ways I had no knowledge of.  He said he read books on the woman's body, that was why.

He always wanted to be the pleaser.  And that he did.  But he looked somewhat disconnected emotionally.  Whereby I was entirely connected emotionally to him. Which, to me, was why so much was beyond incredible and intimate. He claimed the same of course. But I noticed that "one off" disconnect. 

I was and am a committed partner. I was so committed to him in everyway.  He accused me of the very same your did.   I must have been with many others, and he often thought I was with others during our r/s which not only offended me. It hurt me. Deeply. He would truthfully accuse me of sleeping with arbitrary men we knew.  As in, I had JUST slept with these arbitrary men ( the house painter, the tutor,etc) the very night before?

I was shocked. Where was this coming from? I am not that way.  And I wanted our r/s to last always.   OUR R/S.  There could never had been another.

I was then shocked to see the type of hard core porn he watched.  He again mentioned porn in that innocent joking way.  I thought he WAS joking. The little gentle lamb that he was. When he showed me, I was horrified.  Hard core images. I actually pit my hand over the screen and my other hand to my mouth. I said I didnt want to see any of that.  It was very disturbing to me.  He looked again, disconnected. As if saying " what?" 

I, too, post abandonment am concerned about who I really was with. 

Our stories are nearly identical .

[Bak86]

My post from an earlier thread:


My ex was so contradicting when it comes to sex.

After our 4th date she said to me that it could take a year or longer to feel comfortable enough to have sex with a person and she couldn't promise we would ever have sex. She told me this was because she had to perform sexually against her will when she was young(i.e. abused or raped). She wouldn't tell me the whole story, i didn't expect her to. Anyway, naive as i was, i thought to myself "ok, this is a big deal, this girl is REALLY awesome and i would be a dick if i dump her because of this". Anyway, kissing was fine, so was everything as long as it was above the belt. She would get really aroused and she liked it rough, but when i wanted to go south, she always pulled my hand away. *graphic*One time, i actually i got my hand in her pants and she really liked it, was one of the wettest girls i've had, but after like a minute or two she would grab my hand again in panic and had my hand out of there.

She never wanted to sleep with me in a nonsexual way either. It was so weird. But i thought she would change, because i saw some progress. Oh man, how wrong i was... .

And the weirdest thing of all is, that she always talks about sex all the time at work and how she brings home men in the weekend, like it's no big deal. What the heck, you're the biggest prude i've ever met and you tell colleagues how you like it rough and dirty? LOL total mind  please read               |

[Harri]

Loveofhislife said: 

Was he just acting? Projecting?

He was projecting.

For the past year, he damned me and goaded me for being SOO sexual--he just knew I was very experienced and permiscuous and sleeping with everyone. I told him countless times I was completely faithful.  At first, his assertions made me laugh; I'm pretty damned boring. But it was somewhat flattering.

<--- All of the BS is a reflection of him, how he views himself and how he views sex.

I don't think it was an act at all.  He could not tolerate seeing those aspects of himself and projected them onto you.  If you want to have an idea of what the BPD thinks of their own self, take a look at their projections.

I am sorry.  I know it hurts.  It hurts to think they feel this way about us and then, when we realize it is projection and they never really saw us to begin with, it hurts some more.

[Boss302]

So, this week Pollyana has had to face her denial about her virginal exbfBPD waif. The first time I kissed him, it was like kissing a little boy (not sexy--he was 47; I was 51). It was not passionate--and when I touched his face, he said no one had ever touched him like that. I was struck--it seemed that this man, married to 3 different people, 1 who he married twice with a total of 17 years married, had never been passionately kissed. I bought it. Hook line and sinker.

A few weeks later "the moment was right" and we made love. Well, kinda. Again, it felt like he had never been sexual in his life. He has an amazing body--and had certainly talked sexy to me for weeks. He's fathered at least three children--one when he was only 18: 30 years ago.

In the midst of our first love making session, I said something sexual that made him recoil. He made me feel like I had been too dirty for his virginal self. He began to construe that I was "too experienced" for him. I had only been married to one man--for 25 years, but I'm very expressive, and exbfBPD let me know he had never been with anyone so open and so sexual--that his ex wife had been so drugged up that she lost interest in sex.

So, to find out this week that he was on some pretty hard core porn sites--where he was posting and sharing pictures: before, during, and after me was yet another shock. For the past year, he damned me and goaded me for being SOO sexual--he just knew I was very experienced and permiscuous and sleeping with everyone. I told him countless times I was completely faithful.  At first, his assertions made me laugh; I'm pretty damned boring. But it was somewhat flattering.

Why the farce? Why the act? And then leave me for... .? I don't know; he just left. Was he just acting? Projecting?

It was all about drawing you in. My BPDx did the same thing, but in a different way. When I met her, I was not very experienced, and had some bad and hurtful sexual experiences (none abusive or anything like that, but bad nonetheless) that left me kind of hung up. She was very patient with me and we eventually worked things out.

And then it all became about her. By the end, I felt like I had to perform like a trained seal, on demand. After I left her, she accused me of being promiscuous (which I hadn't been... .and God knows I had my chances).

It's all about THEM.

I will say this, though: sex is completely different for me now. My SO really does touch me, sexually speaking, (no pun intended), and that is truly something I've never experienced before. It's wonderful. So, next time you find a guy who says that, he might be telling the truth. Don't let your experience with your ex-bf close you off to that possibility - you might miss out.  

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you for such caring and wise words. CVM--these twins... .WOW... .and I just had one more memory: he called any woman who was even slightly provocatively dressed a ___--come to think if it he called most women tramps. Considering what I saw on his hook-up site, I hardly think he is a prude. More projection?

[hurting300]

My ex kissed me cold like... .I mean she did not get passionate with kissing at all. The sex was awesome but the kissing was terrible except at the very end right before she disappeared

[peiper]

The one thing Im starting to remember is they are very ill people and figuring them out is next to impossible. Hang in there.

[going places]

Do you remember the TV commercial that shows a pan on a stove: the announcer says "This is your brain" (shows an egg) THIS is your brain on drugs, and he drops the egg into the pan and it fries?

That is what porn does to the human brain.

I have done HOURS of research on the effects of porn on the human brain, and it rewires the brain.

Have sex with a real live person releases certain chemicals, in a certain order.

Porn releases different chemical at different times... .

Similar to heroin.

You get 'addicted' to this chemical dump, and only porn can fulfill this chemical dump the watcher craves.

Porn is an evil equal too or greater than heroin... .meth... .etc.

Thank you for such caring and wise words. CVM--these twins... .WOW... .and I just had one more memory: he called any woman who was even slightly provocatively dressed a ___--come to think if it he called most women tramps. Considering what I saw on his hook-up site, I hardly think he is a prude. More projection?

Sounds very Jack The Ripper-ish.

Sounds like he was sexually abused as a child.

Sounds like someone who hates women in general... .

And he sounds like a very dangerous person.

He sounds like the guy that would contract HIV then go out and have sex with as many women as he could to infect as many as he could, because he hates them.

This guys sounds like more than BPD... .as I was reading all of the posts, my thought was someone with serious unresolved issues with women and past abuse + a potential to become a serial killer.

[Waifed]

It's avoiding intimacy, no matter how you slice it.

I don't know how many times in 3 years my ex would say "we have got to stop doing this" right as we were about to have sex. I never understood and when I asked she would just look at me funny and not respond.

[Caredverymuch]

It's avoiding intimacy, no matter how you slice it.

I don't know how many times in 3 years my ex would say "we have got to stop doing this" right as we were about to have sex. I never understood and when I asked she would just look at me funny and not respond.

Being far out of the FOG, I am able to look back and definitively notice the same.  Wanting me there, but more so to take care of his need to not be alone.  He would most often avoid situations that would lead to more than kissing as time went on.  Unless he really thought he was " losing me."

There was a time prior to abandonment that he actually suggested we have a r/s with " no physical."  I was beyond confused at that time (being it was far before becoming  a student of the BPD immersion conversion).  In my limited experience, I never had a man " in love with me" suggest this.

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you for such caring and wise words. CVM--these twins... .WOW... .






LOHL, wow is right.  I have to tell you in reading your posts.  You are better than this.  I am not a person who believes in thinking of myself as better than anyone.  But this, this is an absolutely no win situation.  NO AMOUNT human love or caring was enough for these men.

We were both in long marriages to NPD men.  For me, that emotionless rather more business like r/s, made me a set up for a waif BPD man.  I was emotionally uncared for in my marriage in the way I care for others.  Perhaps you were too. 

I put all of my energy into raising incredible children who are a wonderful combination of confident and caring.  And self protective and sound. 

My waif BPD was another child, really, to me.  I actually used to think that loving this soft, gentle man was as easy as loving a child. Of course he required far more than all of my children combined.  He emotionally sucked the life from me while pushing and pulling preabandonment.

One day Id be on first base, the next third, back to first, then thrown out to left field for a while, then back to first. Like being on an emotional roller coaster with no rip cord.

All the while full of the NEED to be cared for by me.   As yours was.

Until they just walked away. 

Confounding how the man who couldn't be alone w out being afraid could just get up.  Walk away.  And move right on down the road.

I think of something I would hope you can too.  If they were able to do all this destruction to us while in the most genuinely loving, caring, and fully giving r/s - while also having the ability to begin other r/s- and this was IN THE GOOD-I really cannot imagine what my life would have held if he actually stayed. 

My t said something to me once that I replay when I feel the harder emotions of no closure. Of his abandonment.  Of him being with another. 

" Why would you want him back when you know what he is capable of."

Stay strong girl.   You're better. I know you are 

[drummerboy]

This thread is fascinating to me as it raises quite a few questions about my uBPD 31 yo exgf. The first day we met, after a week of texting and sexting, she wanted us to go to a motel room within a few hours. We lived 50 miles apart and she was still living with her soon to be dumped ex. Within a week she was at my place and we could finally do it. She told me that she had had vaginismus for 10 years and had even been to an expensive sex therapist about it. She also joked that she thought she had this because in a past life she had been raped. So we did everything but have intercourse (we tried) for about 3 weeks when finally I was able to get inside of me. To her, this proved that I was "the one" She loved having sex and whilst she appeared to not be very adventurous she seemed to love it. Not long after we met she got a brazillian which she claimed she had never had done.

Prior to me she had been living with a guy for about 3 years and if what she said is true about having vaginismus I have to wonder what the ex thought of that and how he handled it.

She went on the pill and claims I was the first man to ejaculate inside of her. She also claimed that I was the first guy whose semen she swallowed. Now after reading this thread I'm wondering if this was all lies. If they were all lies she is the greatest actor I've ever met as I believed them totally. She came across as the sweetest, most innocent girl but who knows, she may have had a huge sexual history for all I know.

[Rifka]

This thread is fascinating to me as it raises quite a few questions about my uBPD 31 yo exgf. The first day we met, after a week of texting and sexting, she wanted us to go to a motel room within a few hours. We lived 50 miles apart and she was still living with her soon to be dumped ex. Within a week she was at my place and we could finally do it. She told me that she had had vaginismus for 10 years and had even been to an expensive sex therapist about it. She also joked that she thought she had this because in a past life she had been raped. So we did everything but have intercourse (we tried) for about 3 weeks when finally I was able to get inside of me. To her, this proved that I was "the one" She loved having sex and whilst she appeared to not be very adventurous she seemed to love it. Not long after we met she got a brazillian which she claimed she had never had done.

Prior to me she had been living with a guy for about 3 years and if what she said is true about having vaginismus I have to wonder what the ex thought of that and how he handled it.

She went on the pill and claims I was the first man to ejaculate inside of her. She also claimed that I was the first guy whose semen she swallowed. Now after reading this thread I'm wondering if this was all lies. If they were all lies she is the greatest actor I've ever met as I believed them totally. She came across as the sweetest, most innocent girl but who knows, she may have had a huge sexual history for all I know.

They should all compete for an academy award! I believe if their mouths moved it was a lie!

I will go with her having an extensive sexual history and she allowed whatever she controlled sexually with each person. They are liars and manipulators! What they say is not what is real in real life.

[Fluff]

haha drummerboy. That's one hell of a lie. Faking vaginismus. I wouldn't doubt it though. I was apparently the first one to make my ex wet and the first one to give her a clit orgasm. Yeah right... .It flowed so naturally our of her mouth it's weird. Like her reality was totally intertwined with my narcissistic wishes, rather than lying in the typical sense.

[Arminius]

My ex kissed me cold like... .I mean she did not get passionate with kissing at all. The sex was awesome but the kissing was terrible except at the very end right before she disappeared

Mine did this too!  Great sex, as if she could read my mind... .Kissing was optional... then at the end, when she was pretending she wanted to fix us, to finally make us work,  she showed me how she liked to be kissed... .she'd never bothered in the previous 7 years... .

[Arminius]

We lived 50 miles apart and she was still living with her soon to be dumped ex.

(EXCEPT MINE TOLD ME THEY WERE ROOMMATES ... .SAME SEX... .ONLY KATER SHE ADMITTED THEY WERE PARTNERS)

She loved having sex and whilst she appeared to not be very adventurous she seemed to love it. Not long after we met she got a brazillian which she claimed she had never had done.

She went on the pill and claims I was the first man to ejaculate inside of her. She also claimed that I was the first guy whose semen she swallowed. Now after reading this thread I'm wondering if this was all lies. If they were all lies she is the greatest actor I've ever met as I believed them totally. She came across as the sweetest, most innocent girl but who knows, she may have had a huge sexual history for all I know.

MINE CLAIMED THAT MANY OF OUR ACTS WERE A FIRST FOR HER, YET SHE CARRIED THEM OFF WITH GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Your quote, my CAPITALS.

I cannot believe how all of this is true of mine too.

THESE PEOPLE REALLY ARE OF A TYPE!

[hurting300]

This thread is fascinating to me as it raises quite a few questions about my uBPD 31 yo exgf. The first day we met, after a week of texting and sexting, she wanted us to go to a motel room within a few hours. We lived 50 miles apart and she was still living with her soon to be dumped ex. Within a week she was at my place and we could finally do it. She told me that she had had vaginismus for 10 years and had even been to an expensive sex therapist about it. She also joked that she thought she had this because in a past life she had been raped. So we did everything but have intercourse (we tried) for about 3 weeks when finally I was able to get inside of me. To her, this proved that I was "the one" She loved having sex and whilst she appeared to not be very adventurous she seemed to love it. Not long after we met she got a brazillian which she claimed she had never had done.

Prior to me she had been living with a guy for about 3 years and if what she said is true about having vaginismus I have to wonder what the ex thought of that and how he handled it.

She went on the pill and claims I was the first man to ejaculate inside of her. She also claimed that I was the first guy whose semen she swallowed. Now after reading this thread I'm wondering if this was all lies. If they were all lies she is the greatest actor I've ever met as I believed them totally. She came across as the sweetest, most innocent girl but who knows, she may have had a huge sexual history for all I know.

this thread is blowing my mind! My ex told me I was the first guy to not wear a condom with her! She was "inexperienced" but could do things only porn stars could pull off! Can anyone say red flags . She said I've never put a condom on with my mouth but guess who did it PERFECT on the first try... .These people are all the same.

[Arminius]

Hurting300... .Mine did the condom trick too. Uncanny.

[hurting300]

Hurting300... .Mine did the condom trick too. Uncanny.

I told her to just be honest and upfront. I said babe it's ok if you learned and did things with other people their is NOTHING wrong with that. But no... .Kept the lie going. She makes me sick. But at least I had lots of good sex .

[hurting300]

Did anyone else's BPD save everything? I'm talking receipts and pretty much meaningless things. Mine was a horder

[Boss302]

Did anyone else's BPD save everything? I'm talking receipts and pretty much meaningless things. Mine was a horder

Yep. My house looked like an episode of "Hoarders" when I left her, and that was a pretty major factor in the divorce.

[Gimme Peace]

This sounds like what my therapist identified as the "Madonna-___ complex". My pwBPD lost interest in sex with me about a year and a half ago, always having a ready excuse (the meds, tired, didn't want to impose, he thought I didn't like sex, etc.) Before then, we never had problems with sex.

After about a year of buying his excuses (and feeling extremely devalued and rejected) I got nosy and looked in his phone and learned he had been watching hardcore porn and also was on hookup sites. There was my answer. I confronted him about the porn and his reaction was to say that he would not discuss it and he wanted to end the relationship (he changed his mind a few days later). When he finally talked about the porn, it was minimalized to sound meaningless, just a blip in his life, a curiosity. I didn't tell him that I knew what sites he went to and how often, which was quite frequently and still continues.

I discussed this with my therapist and she thought he was exhibiting the "Madonna-___ complex" where I was now "Madonna/his mother that he shouldn't have sex with" and the porn stars were the "___s where he could be nasty and free".

[Boss302]

This sounds like what my therapist identified as the "Madonna-___ complex". My pwBPD lost interest in sex with me about a year and a half ago, always having a ready excuse (the meds, tired, didn't want to impose, he thought I didn't like sex, etc.) Before then, we never had problems with sex.

After about a year of buying his excuses (and feeling extremely devalued and rejected) I got nosy and looked in his phone and learned he had been watching hardcore porn and also was on hookup sites. There was my answer. I confronted him about the porn and his reaction was to say that he would not discuss it and he wanted to end the relationship (he changed his mind a few days later). When he finally talked about the porn, it was minimalized to sound meaningless, just a blip in his life, a curiosity. I didn't tell him that I knew what sites he went to and how often, which was quite frequently and still continues.

I discussed this with my therapist and she thought he was exhibiting the "Madonna-___ complex" where I was now "Madonna/his mother that he shouldn't have sex with" and the porn stars were the "___s where he could be nasty and free".

This one's tailor made for a BPD - the woman (or the man) starts as idealized, then becomes a "___." There's no middle ground. Just another example of splitting.

[Arminius]

Yep. I was the object of frequent desire, and it changed over the 7 years. The last 18 months, sex was sporadic...

Actually it was worse than that,, she'd be drinving home from work and send me a sexual text message like

'I need to be ****** ** *** *** when I get home!'

Yet when she arrived she'd act like nothing had been sent ... .and we'd have no sex all day.

I think she was trying to provoke a reaction.