BPD support for the family pre-internet era

[Dibdob59]

Hi

I wish that BPD had been known about years ago when I first started my journey into hell with my husband.  I spent over 35 years thinking I had walked through the looking glass.  I could not talk about it to family or friends as NOTHING in my life made any sense.  In fact it was all so insane I didn't even know how to describe the multitude of crazy I witnessed.  Suffice to say that I have experience everything you have all mentioned in the posts on this thread and more. So many memories of how I numbly lived through being treated like I had no value.

My greatest regret and one that I can NEVER forgive myself for is allowing (although in ignorance) such damage to occur to my two children.  Now grown they both bear the scars of the ceaseless chaos.  I did try to get help but in the UK (particularly in the 70s, 80s and 90s) there was nothing.  Even now there has never been any diagnosis or treatment.  BPD is really not on the agenda here.  I agree it is driven by shame on their part but I am so past feeling compassion for my husband.  There have been times I have seen him exert some control when things have turned serious and police have been involved.  If he could control himself when they turned up then he could do so when he was destroying his family - but he didn't.

I agree passionately with a previous post.  Once you have seen through a BPD and exposed their shame they will spend the rest of their lives trying to destroy you and anyone else who witnessed their exposure. They are relentless.  Additionally, although BPD in men is not as common as in females they have the added problem of aggression and rage.  An out of control raging male BPD is terrifying.  However even more petrifying is to watch the sudden switch back to calm and smiling, as if nothing ever happened and being told that you are the one who has mental health issues as you are fabricating it all.

I would not wish this on anyone.

[Mutt]

35 years is a long time with no support from family and friends. It's unimaginable what you and your kids went through. I'm sorry.

I had thought about that. How difficult it would have been pre-internet in the 80's and 90's with no support. I'm lucky to have been born in the 70's a less difficult path with a pwBPD. At least I have these boards, support, books on the subject and the internet.

I'm glad you're with us now Dibdob59.

[anxiety5]

Hi

I wish that BPD had been known about years ago when I first started my journey into hell with my husband.  I spent over 35 years thinking I had walked through the looking glass.  I could not talk about it to family or friends as NOTHING in my life made any sense.  In fact it was all so insane I didn't even know how to describe the multitude of crazy I witnessed.  Suffice to say that I have experience everything you have all mentioned in the posts on this thread and more. So many memories of how I numbly lived through being treated like I had no value.

My greatest regret and one that I can NEVER forgive myself for is allowing (although in ignorance) such damage to occur to my two children.  Now grown they both bear the scars of the ceaseless chaos.  I did try to get help but in the UK (particularly in the 70s, 80s and 90s) there was nothing.  Even now there has never been any diagnosis or treatment.  BPD is really not on the agenda here.  I agree it is driven by shame on their part but I am so past feeling compassion for my husband.  There have been times I have seen him exert some control when things have turned serious and police have been involved.  If he could control himself when they turned up then he could do so when he was destroying his family - but he didn't.

I agree passionately with a previous post.  Once you have seen through a BPD and exposed their shame they will spend the rest of their lives trying to destroy you and anyone else who witnessed their exposure. They are relentless.  Additionally, although BPD in men is not as common as in females they have the added problem of aggression and rage.  An out of control raging male BPD is terrifying.  However even more petrifying is to watch the sudden switch back to calm and smiling, as if nothing ever happened and being told that you are the one who has mental health issues as you are fabricating it all.

I would not wish this on anyone.

If heaven exists, there is a reserved spot for you there. 35 years. We can say that's such a long time, which it is. I however find it remarkable of you to have endured so much, yet keep any trace of sanity. To somehow endure such chaos and still have a sanity compass enact is courageous. I think most people would give up after half that much time. Good for you for never loosing sight of the facts, and of reality. I hope you find peace. I know nobody may ever convince you otherwise, but it's NOT your fault. When no information exists, when there is no system of support, when people don't understand and when the perpetrator is a cunning and deceitful person who reserves their toxicity for you and the children, while showing the world their mask, there isn't blame but with anyone but him.

[Dibdob59]

Hi Mutt and Anxiety5

Thank you for your replies.

I don't feel courageous; I feel foolish, weak, ashamed and crushingly guilty.

As a mother it was my responsibility to protect my children from harm.  As parents we expect the threats to be from outside the home, but in our circumstances this was not the case.  How could I possibly have been so negligent in not seeing it for what it was sooner?

I involved the medical profession (our GP for 30 years could see my H was not 'right' but could offer no help); the police (they suggested in front of my H that he should stay downstairs in the house and I stay upstairs with the children to minimise friction); social service agencies (who said there was nothing they could do until my H did something that resulted in his arrest).

All dead ends. 

What kind of woman/mother allows this to continue for so many years without dealing with it?

My adult children are so damaged from these years of insanity.  We were totally isolated by it.  Friends slipped away as they felt uncomfortable around my H and they told me as much.  Nobody could quite put their finger on why as he kept his most spectacular behaviour for inside the family home. 

I am a well educated woman who should have known better.  I let my children down.

[anxiety5]

I'm sorry you feel the guilt that you do. I just don't think it is your fault.

My situation is nothing compared to yours. I've had 2 relationships with exactly the same patterns. I was faithful, selfless, devoted, and tried my very best to make them work. I was neglected, cheated on, tormented, painted black, and had feelings of fault projected on me. In each relationship when it ended, I felt total and complete guilt. She cheated = I failed to hold her attention. She was mad at me = I failed to resolve her problem. She tormented me = I failed. I lose my temper = I failed to keep my calm. Relationship over = My failures. All of this = Tremendous guilt.

After much reflection, seeing them do the same thing to the guy after me, learning they did it to the guy(s) before me, I realized there is a pathology at play here.

We live in a society that honors stoic resolve in the face of adversity. You, like myself probably have some self esteem, self worth deficits even when you first met him that drive us to be the caretakers, the rescuers, the one' who never give up and try to make everything work.  There is truth in the fact that we need to feel better about who we are, be more compassionate towards ourselves and hopefully develop the esteem necessary to project a self respect where tolerance of behavior is understood to be something we would never deal with.

In a way, I think you are suffering from the same trauma that a person who is the only survivor in a car accident feels. Survivor's guilt. In a way you feel your children did not survive, at least emotionally and you feel guilt for not having done something different.  The facts are you were the victim. Your children were the victims. You can not nor should not deflect his blame towards yourself. You did not enter marriage with the understanding that you and your children would be emotionally abused. In fact, think of the vows that people take. We actually pledge to stay WITH them, no matter WHAT happens. In a classic BPD/NPD example, you fulfill your vow, and they are entitled to not fulfill their's.  He did not say the day you met him "I'm going to abuse you for 3 decades. Will you marry me?" Predictably you would have ran, right? There is a REASON why these people are so charming at first. For you that may be so long ago you hardly remember it. But there is a reason they are one way at the start, and then transition to the polar opposite. It is to TRAP you in their grasp. We learn how rotten these people are at their core, so why then, do they not show it outwardly when we first meet them? Why are they so nice to strangers? Because they are smart enough to know that nobody would want to be around someone horrible, so they act. It's not like you saw what he was, and loved it so much you stayed. You were manipulated, you were fooled, you were conditioned through abuse and if there is ever any proof look at the fact they obviously understand proper behavior, but only enough to pretend to the outside world that's who they are. This person has manipulated everyone he has had contact with his entire life. Whether fooling them into thinking he was a nice person or conditioning them through emotional abuse which breaks down their defenses, not to leave. But that is the fact. HE did not fulfill HIS duties. He is the perpetrator. He is the one who deserves the blame, to feel the guilt, and to suffer the consequences.

I too am an educated person. A person who never thought I would tolerate the behavior I tolerated. A person who was broken down, tormented and developed a learned helplessness at the hands of two people who were rotten to the core. I'm fortunate that they left, because before I fully had awareness, I WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT EITHER. There are so many people on here that would not have left on this very forum. There are so many people who have posted nightmare stories on here of abuse that are unbelievable and yet they conclude their thread by saying they still wish to stay and work it out. They are with a partner who doesn't care about them at all, yet they are here searching for ways to communicate better with them, just to have a single day of peace and not be belittled. You see, you, myself, and those people I mentioned were targeted. Like a deer hunter stalks his prey through a scope, we were sighted, and encapsulated by a toxicity that further rendered us helpless. The aftermath is ruins, and as we break free of their spell we begin to ask the questions of "how could I have ever tolerated this?" "how did I think that was acceptable?" "why did I not walk away?" It's easy to project the enormity of these questions back to yourself = I failed. But the truth is, each and every answer is actually "I was emotionally abused by a person with a mental illness" That is the reason your son's have struggles. That is the reason for everything. He is the cause.

I hope you are speaking to a professional. I think you will find it incredibly liberating to let go of carrying all his baggage on your shoulders. You have broken from the fog. That is a great thing. You should be celebrated for that, not angry with yourself. For you've been given the gift of connecting all the dots and seeing it as a whole. Once you are able to absolve yourself of the blame, and put it on the person who deserves it rather than the victim (you) I think you will find peace in accepting the fact you can only change today, and tomorrow. And if you are able to do those things, than in the end YOU win.

Please keep us updated. I'm wishing you the best. Wish I could give you a big hug and somehow reach into your mind and pull out all those feelings of guilt.

If you have ever seen the movie Goodwill Hunting, much like the scene with Robin Williams and Matt Damon, I wish I could convince you and to reinforce one simple point to you: It's NOT your fault.