Could somebody explain how this works?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have read on the forum, that we become the trigger that causes their emotions to get out of control, so their defence mechanism is to run away, or even block us to stop the pain.  I know and understand what what splitting is, but if we are the cause of their deep inner pain then why do a lot of BPDs recycle? Is it literally splitting, or is there more to it?

Thank you

[jammo1989]

I have read on the forum, that we become the trigger that causes their emotions to get out of control, so their defence mechanism is to run away, or even block us to stop the pain.  I know and understand what what splitting is, but if we are the cause of their deep inner pain then why do a lot of BPDs recycle? Is it literally splitting, or is there more to it?

Thank you

[lm911]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

[jammo1989]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

Ok thank you, that would seem to make more sense, because if we were the trigger it would almost become like a phobia to them to go back to us, kind of like knowing that heights give you panic attacks, you will do it anyway.  A lot of people say BPDs recycle though, i guess its down to own personal experience, and would make a good debate.

[maxen]

hi jammo. i'll speak a little about the theory, insofar as i understand it. pwBPD are unable to supplete their emotional needs from within themselves. why this is true i don't know, and likely there are different answers depending on the individual. this is not the same as the normal human desire for interaction, friendship, love, and reliance. it's a real inability to take care of themselves emotionally from within their own resources. they look for this support from without. and when they enter a relationship with someone, they need and need and often, one of two things happens: the other party can't support the pressure of the need and leaves, or the pwBPD has needs so deep that 1: they can't get the level of support they want from their SO, or 2: comes to fear being abandoned, and leaves. but being unable to tolerate being cast onto their own resources, they reach out again, and sometimes to the same partner (recycling; though the non sometimes does the reaching out, and the pwBPD accepts).

my r/s with my uBPDstbxw followed this pretty closely. we dated in the 90s, and that ended sort of roughly. six years later we found ourselves in a two-step and got back together fast and married. then the pettiness and the number of things my highly intelligent and professionally successful w couldn't do, that i had to do, left me flummoxed. i didn't "give [her] emotional support." when she blindsided me (she had started another r/s before she left) she said "i always thought you would be the one to leave." and after she bolted she said things that showed that i had been an idea to her, not an individual.

it's not so much that we, individually, are the cause of their pain, in which case there would be no recycling, it's the impossible-to-fill need for closeness and the fear of failure and abandonment that are the cause of the pain. it's like wanting and eating so much ice cream that you vomit, and then having it for dessert again the next week.

so it helps in detaching to try to remember the depersonalization. that's a very hard idea: it's violating to be made into an object, but my w (for one) was genuinely incapable of understanding any other needs than her own. if we ever met again, i would know (this time) that i can't look to her for my own support. she doesn't even know who i am.

[jammo1989]

hi jammo. i'll speak a little about the theory, insofar as i understand it. pwBPD are unable to supplete their emotional needs from within themselves. why this is true i don't know, and likely there are different answers depending on the individual. this is not the same as the normal human desire for interaction, friendship, love, and reliance. it's a real inability to take care of themselves emotionally from within their own resources. they look for this support from without. and when they enter a relationship with someone, they need and need and often, one of two things happens: the other party can't support the pressure of the need and leaves, or the pwBPD has needs so deep that 1: they can't get the level of support they want from their SO, or 2: comes to fear being abandoned, and leaves. but being unable to tolerate being cast onto their own resources, they reach out again, and sometimes to the same partner (recycling; though the non sometimes does the reaching out, and the pwBPD accepts).

my r/s with my uBPDstbxw followed this pretty closely. we dated in the 90s, and that ended sort of roughly. six years later we found ourselves in a two-step and got back together fast and married. then the pettiness and the number of things my highly intelligent and professionally successful w couldn't do, that i had to do, left me flummoxed. i didn't "give [her] emotional support." when she blindsided me (she had started another r/s before she left) she said "i always thought you would be the one to leave." and after she bolted she said things that showed that i had been an idea to her, not an individual.

it's not so much that we, individually, are the cause of their pain, in which case there would be no recycling, it's the impossible-to-fill need for closeness and the fear of failure and abandonment that are the cause of the pain. it's like wanting and eating so much ice cream that you vomit, and then having it for dessert again the next week.

so it helps in detaching to try to remember the depersonalization. that's a very hard idea: it's violating to be made into an object, but my w (for one) was genuinely incapable of understanding any other needs than her own. if we ever met again, i would know (this time) that i can't look to her for my own support. she doesn't even know who i am.

Thank you maxen that was really insightful, and it helped a lot! My ex was triangulating towards the end, and i had a gut feeling about it, so in the end i called her up and said im done, the day after she was FB official with my replacment, she blocked my number and FB, so i took it as though i was the cause of her inner pain, and that by blocking me she was also blocking her negative emotions within herself, am i right in thinking this? Then 2 weeks into her new relationship, she told me that her kids missed me and that they were looking at old pictured of me and her the other day.  Havent heard from her since ive been a month and a half NC so far.

[hurting300]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

both disorders are pretty close actually. I've read thousands of stories where diagnosed borderlines return to exes.

[lm911]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

both disorders are pretty close actually. I've read thousands of stories where diagnosed borderlines return to exes.

Can you give me a link or something? Moreover I have read that BPD often goes with another disorder and if it is NPD then I think it is possible that there will be a recycle. I remember one of the users here saying that he went to the author of the book I hate you don't leave me and asked him about splitting and he replied that it is very rare for the BPD to come back again.

[peiper]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

both disorders are pretty close actually. I've read thousands of stories where diagnosed borderlines return to exes.

Mine had left three or four times and came back before our divorce. So I asked my T who works almost only with SOs of BPDs about it. He said without a doubt she'd try to recycle. He keeps telling me "Past performance is indicative of future performance". He's been right on the money so far.

[hurting300]

I think that recycling is for NPD and most of the users here mistake NPD for BPD. I think that recycling in BPD is rare and ones you are black there is no going back.

both disorders are pretty close actually. I've read thousands of stories where diagnosed borderlines return to exes.

Can you give me a link or something? Moreover I have read that BPD often goes with another disorder and if it is NPD then I think it is possible that there will be a recycle. I remember one of the users here saying that he went to the author of the book I hate you don't leave me and asked him about splitting and he replied that it is very rare for the BPD to come back again.

they both have the potential to return.

[maxen]

by blocking me she was also blocking her negative emotions within herself, am i right in thinking this?

probably, but of course i don't know the texture of your relationship with your ex. what happens to us is awful; what goes on inside them is awful too, a turmoil of uncertainty about everything. the last thing my wife said to me of a relationship nature (about 4 months after she bolted) was "i'm very confused." my T commented "that's the only true thing she's ever said to you."

[fred6]

 

I have read on the forum, that we become the trigger that causes their emotions to get out of control, so their defence mechanism is to run away, or even block us to stop the pain.  I know and understand what what splitting is, but if we are the cause of their deep inner pain then why do a lot of BPDs recycle? Is it literally splitting, or is there more to it?

Thank you

they both have the potential to return.

I think that some pwBPD have serious control issues. If they return, they will lose what little control and independence that they have. Here's a post from you last week jammo, I think it's pretty accurate for some pwBPD. We can't paint them all with the same brush.

once they have put themselves in a position where they cant keep you at arms length (see you when they want to see you) they become smothered and fear intimacy, it is then that they abandon us because their loss of independence has has made her lose control of not only the situation shes now in, but the control she needs to keep her emotions in a stable state.        

Here's an old post that I feel is how some pwBPD are wired.

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That is exactly how my ex is. I can't say that she'll never contact me. But I'm 99% sure that she won't. She has some kind of fake independence/will power. She won't show anyone weakness. I only saw her cry 2 times in 3 years.

In an odd coincidence. That old post by Vagabond up there was posted on the same day that I contacted her on Facebook back in 2011 when we first got together. That's fcuking spooky

[hurting300]

Not every pwBPD returns that's a gimme. However from what I've read and from what experts say, they either watch you from a distance "stalking" or wait a while then come around. You are never completely out of the woods.

[fred6]

Not every pwBPD returns that's a gimme. However from what I've read and from what experts say, they either watch you from a distance "stalking" or wait a while then come around. You are never completely out of the woods.

I agree with this. The pwBPD that wait a while and come back, they have to realize that by waiting that the non may enter another relationship or get over them all together. It's only logical that the sooner you come back the better the chances are that you will be accepted. But then again, never let logic get in the way of a pwBPB's master plan... .

[hurting300]

Not every pwBPD returns that's a gimme. However from what I've read and from what experts say, they either watch you from a distance "stalking" or wait a while then come around. You are never completely out of the woods.

I agree with this. The pwBPD that wait a while and come back, they have to realize that by waiting that the non may enter another relationship or get over them all together. It's only logical that the sooner you come back the better the chances are that you will be accepted. But then again, never let logic get in the way of a pwBPB's master plan... .

Right... Mine disappeared while I was at work taking our baby. She hasn't spoken to me since. But... .She drives out of her way to drive past my house. Why? Because she wants me back . She is strong natured and hard headed too. But trust me. They are all pretty much the same.

[fred6]

Not every pwBPD returns that's a gimme. However from what I've read and from what experts say, they either watch you from a distance "stalking" or wait a while then come around. You are never completely out of the woods.

I agree with this. The pwBPD that wait a while and come back, they have to realize that by waiting that the non may enter another relationship or get over them all together. It's only logical that the sooner you come back the better the chances are that you will be accepted. But then again, never let logic get in the way of a pwBPB's master plan... .

But trust me. They are all pretty much the same.

That's what everyone is telling me. But I'll never hear from my ex again. I guess that's a good thing, even though it doesn't feel like it. If I'm wrong and she tries to recycle, you guys will be the first to know about it,

[hurting300]

Well Fred, just be prepared for it. You seem like a good man. Go out and replace her. That's what I'm doing. I had one buy me lunch last week, that NEVER happened with my ex. Screw them .

[fred6]

Well Fred, just be prepared for it. You seem like a good man. Go out and replace her. That's what I'm doing. I had one buy me lunch last week, that NEVER happened with my ex. Screw them .

Ha, ha, I think that I'll give it some time before getting involved with someone. Unless some hot chick is super aggressive with pursuing me. But in that case I'll be at DefCon1 thinking she's another mental head case.

[hurting300]

Well Fred, just be prepared for it. You seem like a good man. Go out and replace her. That's what I'm doing. I had one buy me lunch last week, that NEVER happened with my ex. Screw them .

Ha, ha, I think that I'll give it some time before getting involved with someone. Unless some hot chick is super aggressive with pursuing me. But in that case I'll be at DefCon1 thinking she's another mental head case.

well I'm not ready for another full blown relationship either but it's nice to know non crazy people are out there.

[drummerboy]

I don't get it, why are so many people in here wondering (hoping?) that they will be contacted by their ex? Think about it, you were in a r/s whose ending found you in a support group. You were in a r/s that made no sense at all, a r/s that was built on a bunch of projection/baloney/dreams, there was no reality to it. We don't even know the person we were in a r/s with, they don't even know who they are themselves. So why are you still secretly hoping they will contact you? They are emotionally/mentally very damaged people. They cannot be a real friend, they are wholly incapable of an adult relationship. Why would you sign up for more of that?

Forget about what they are doing now, who they are seeing. Stop stalking them on social media and turn the page on this toxic chapter in your life but make sure you learn your lessons so you never get into another r/s like this.

You are the lucky one, you can learn and grow from this experience, a pwBPD is probably going to be stuck in their hell for the rest of their lives. I'm especially lucky because I could have gotten mine pregnant and been stick with her for the next 18 years. I'm free now, free at last!

[Deeno02]

I don't get it, why are so many people in here wondering (hoping?) that they will be contacted by their ex? Think about it, you were in a r/s whose ending found you in a support group. You were in a r/s that made no sense at all, a r/s that was built on a bunch of projection/baloney/dreams, there was no reality to it. We don't even know the person we were in a r/s with, they don't even know who they are themselves. So why are you still secretly hoping they will contact you? They are emotionally/mentally very damaged people. They cannot be a real friend, they are wholly incapable of an adult relationship. Why would you sign up for more of that?

Forget about what they are doing now, who they are seeing. Stop stalking them on social media and turn the page on this toxic chapter in your life but make sure you learn your lessons so you never get into another r/s like this.

You are the lucky one, you can learn and grow from this experience, a pwBPD is probably going to be stuck in their hell for the rest of their lives. I'm especially lucky because I could have gotten mine pregnant and been stick with her for the next 18 years. I'm free now, free at last!

I dont Drummerboy. I could care less. Im frightened more by the fact that she could. I dont stalk her, no social media, no email, no text. However, her son and mine are friends, and she coaches our sons volleyball team. I live in fear of having to deal with her and her instigating contact. She lives 4 blocks from me, and my neighbor's told me shes been walking her dog past my house. I dont want any contact. But i fear being a target again.

[hurting300]

I don't get it, why are so many people in here wondering (hoping?) that they will be contacted by their ex? Think about it, you were in a r/s whose ending found you in a support group. You were in a r/s that made no sense at all, a r/s that was built on a bunch of projection/baloney/dreams, there was no reality to it. We don't even know the person we were in a r/s with, they don't even know who they are themselves. So why are you still secretly hoping they will contact you? They are emotionally/mentally very damaged people. They cannot be a real friend, they are wholly incapable of an adult relationship. Why would you sign up for more of that?

Forget about what they are doing now, who they are seeing. Stop stalking them on social media and turn the page on this toxic chapter in your life but make sure you learn your lessons so you never get into another r/s like this.

You are the lucky one, you can learn and grow from this experience, a pwBPD is probably going to be stuck in their hell for the rest of their lives. I'm especially lucky because I could have gotten mine pregnant and been stick with her for the next 18 years. I'm free now, free at last!

Mine ran away with our child... .That's the only reason I want her to call.

[fred6]

I guess that I'm a sicko and like being abused. Maybe enough time hasn't passed and I just miss this person. I kind of feel like it will be a while before I get over this whole deal. I don't tell my brain what to think, it kind of does that on it's own. However, for what it's worth, I am trying though... .

[hurting300]

I guess that I'm a sicko and like being abused. Maybe enough time hasn't passed and I just miss this person. I kind of feel like it will be a while before I get over this whole deal. I don't tell my brain what to think, it kind of does that on it's own. However, for what it's worth, I am trying though... .

It takes time Fred. Even normal breakups take awhile.

[fred6]

I guess that I'm a sicko and like being abused. Maybe enough time hasn't passed and I just miss this person. I kind of feel like it will be a while before I get over this whole deal. I don't tell my brain what to think, it kind of does that on it's own. However, for what it's worth, I am trying though... .

It takes time Fred. Even normal breakups take awhile.

Oh I know, I been through my share of breakups and a divorce. Like we have all said before around here, "but this one is different". Kind of feel like I sold my soul to the devil for a very mediocre 38 month relationship,

[hurting300]

Very true .