What's with the drive-by's?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been steadily maintaining NC for over 3 months now.  No desire to call or email her about anything, but yesterday I was sitting in my living room and she did a (slow) drive by.  She lives 45 minutes away from my house and has/had no other business to come to my city except to see me when we were together.  When I saw her, I just laughed at how far she drove out of her way just to see what I am doing and who may have been at my house.  I left the r/s when I caught her cheating and she is still with him.  I did not respond to her action in any way, and I know she will most likely up the ante' next time around and knock on my door.  Can anyone explain why they do this?  A friend says there is trouble in paradise with the replacement... . 

[VistaView]

I have been steadily maintaining NC for over 3 months now.  No desire to call or email her about anything, but yesterday I was sitting in my living room and she did a (slow) drive by.  She lives 45 minutes away from my house and has/had no other business to come to my city except to see me when we were together.  When I saw her, I just laughed at how far she drove out of her way just to see what I am doing and who may have been at my house.  I left the r/s when I caught her cheating and she is still with him.  I did not respond to her action in any way, and I know she will most likely up the ante' next time around and knock on my door.  Can anyone explain why they do this?  A friend says there is trouble in paradise with the replacement... . 

[Caredverymuch]

I have been steadily maintaining NC for over 3 months now.  No desire to call or email her about anything, but yesterday I was sitting in my living room and she did a (slow) drive by.  She lives 45 minutes away from my house and has/had no other business to come to my city except to see me when we were together.  When I saw her, I just laughed at how far she drove out of her way just to see what I am doing and who may have been at my house.  I left the r/s when I caught her cheating and she is still with him.  I did not respond to her action in any way, and I know she will most likely up the ante' next time around and knock on my door.  Can anyone explain why they do this?  A friend says there is trouble in paradise with the replacement... . 

Around the 3 mos mark the idealization wears down and engulfment sets in.  They do drive bys bc they are emotionally  a toddler.  Its called baiting here on this forum.  Ppl are attachments and they bait bc they are checking for a reaction.  Any reaction but complete indifference is enough for them to remain " in control" of you.  If you react by trying to talk with her she will likely not stop or be cold. If you react with an angry look or gesture she will still be satisfied that she got your attention, hence, you are still a back up source to reengage for a brief recycle as her present r/s starts the splitting cycles.

Non disorder adults do things like call to communicate after a r/s ends.  BPDs bait in very immature ways.  Drive bys, blank " accidental" texts, manipuative commununations via mutual friends that they know you will learn of, showing up in the same coincidental area as you but not speaking to you. Etc.

The r/s will never go back to anything normal.

If you truly want full detachment, ignore with complete indifference. This also sadly fuels them for a brief time.

[VistaView]

I agree with you on her "baiting" . I just find it very childish. BPD trait I know. I will not give her the obvious reaction she is looking for. She has been with the replacement approximately 5 months now, 2 months before I found out and went NC. I never thought I would say this but it is very creepy behaviour. They are truly children on the inside and I am almost embarrased to say I was involved with someone like this... .Thx for your insight.

[Deeno02]

Caredverymuch,

so far we are almost into month 2 of breakup and 22 days nc. One problem i will have is around march she will be coaching my son in volleyball. While i dont need to go to practice since my son drives, im concerned about games and coach/parent interaction (as well as the replacement being there) what do you recommend for LC/NC?

[VistaView]

Oh I forgot to mention before I caught her cheating she said to me that SHE was "done" with the relationship... .

[hurting300]

Ok get this... .My ex literally moved out taking our baby while I was at work. Not one word in six months. But she does the drive by's! Why? She dumped me and now stalking me.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch,

so far we are almost into month 2 of breakup and 22 days nc. One problem i will have is around march she will be coaching my son in volleyball. While i dont need to go to practice since my son drives, im concerned about games and coach/parent interaction (as well as the replacement being there) what do you recommend for LC/NC?

Deeno, what I recommend will be hard for you to hear right now. Bc you have not been out of the r/s long and you are hurting much. Sending you   and know everyday gets you closer to a healthier place. Really. It is a process. Hard one but we all went thru or are still going thru it.

I recommend you switch your child to another team if at all possible. It will do your detachment process harm if you must see her often with the replacement. 

Could you do this?  It stinks I know but these are the things we need to do to keep triggers at bay.

[Caredverymuch]

I agree with you on her "baiting" . I just find it very childish. BPD trait I know. I will not give her the obvious reaction she is looking for. She has been with the replacement approximately 5 months now, 2 months before I found out and went NC. I never thought I would say this but it is very creepy behaviour. They are truly children on the inside and I am almost embarrased to say I was involved with someone like this... .Thx for your insight.

You are doing great on your journey to a better place.  Yes, they are children in grown up bodies.  We can understand that but we dont have to be a part of the childish manipulations that go no where good. Stay strong.  .  Her replacement will join you here in this emotional mess very soon.

[VistaView]

Just curious about what it is they get out of driving by your house. Are they trying to fulfill something within themselves?

[hurting300]

Just curious about what it is they get out of driving by your house. Are they trying to fulfill something within themselves?

well... I think for mine she was trying to work up the nerve to talk to me. The third time she did it she actually got out. I wasn't home. My neighbor told me.

[VistaView]

@Hurting. You know, I agree with you. I think it's the same for me, trying to get up the nerve plus not knowing how I'm gonna react. There is a lot of shame when you get caught cheating and we all know how BPD's handle guilt and shame... .

[hurting300]

@Hurting. You know, I agree with you. I think it's the same for me, trying to get up the nerve plus not knowing how I'm gonna react. There is a lot of shame when you get caught cheating and we all know how BPD's handle guilt and shame... .

yes exactly... see my ex even deactivated her Facebook page... she completely ran away. They do stalk. But In a more covert secretive way.

[Deeno02]

Caredverymuch,

so far we are almost into month 2 of breakup and 22 days nc. One problem i will have is around march she will be coaching my son in volleyball. While i dont need to go to practice since my son drives, im concerned about games and coach/parent interaction (as well as the replacement being there) what do you recommend for LC/NC?

Deeno, what I recommend will be hard for you to hear right now. Bc you have not been out of the r/s long and you are hurting much. Sending you   and know everyday gets you closer to a healthier place. Really. It is a process. Hard one but we all went thru or are still going thru it.

I recommend you switch your child to another team if at all possible. It will do your detachment process harm if you must see her often with the replacement. 

Could you do this?  It stinks I know but these are the things we need to do to keep triggers at bay.

Nope. Cant. Its high school. Hes stuck. Im stuck. I guess i will just be as aloof as possible with it.

[VistaView]

Admittedly... I was surprised when I saw her drive by but angry at the same time. I gave her what she wanted, and that was another guy. Now she sees fit to invade my space and come into contact, no matter how distant, with me? I'm just waiting for the face to face 're engagement. Dont know how I'm gonna handle it but I think I'll need to show zero emotion, I heard that confuses them.

[hurting300]

Admittedly... I was surprised when I saw her drive by but angry at the same time. I gave her what she wanted, and that was another guy. Now she sees fit to invade my space and come into contact, no matter how distant, with me? I'm just waiting for the face to face 're engagement. Dont know how I'm gonna handle it but I think I'll need to show zero emotion, I heard that confuses them.

act like she is an old friend you haven't seen in forever. Now that will mess with them. And it shocked me too when mine did it. Who knew the dumper would act like that.

[VistaView]

@Hurting... I kinda wanna be straight faced and not say much as to give the signal that her cheating will not just be ignored. I know she will act as tho nothing happened just to avoid having to look at herself. I will come back here and post how it all went. This is mentally draining but I can just imagine how a person with  BPD feels...

[hurting300]

@Hurting... I kinda wanna be straight faced and not say much as to give the signal that her cheating will not just be ignored. I know she will act as tho nothing happened just to avoid having to look at herself. I will come back here and post how it all went. This is mentally draining but I can just imagine how a person with  BPD feels...

I could care less how the enemy feels.

[VistaView]

I meant feels on the inside fighting those demons day after day... .

[hurting300]

I meant feels on the inside fighting those demons day after day... .

oh yeah i know what you meant... I'm in the anger stage i guess.

[VistaView]

I was angry and couldn't understand her actions until I found this board. What a God send... I have learned so much about how she operates that I wish I had found it earlier. Maybe then I wouldn't have wasted 7 years. I feel so sorry for her now that I have put 2 +2 together based on things she used to tell me about herself coupled with her actions within the relationship.

[peiper]

@Hurting... I kinda wanna be straight faced and not say much as to give the signal that her cheating will not just be ignored. I know she will act as tho nothing happened just to avoid having to look at herself. I will come back here and post how it all went. This is mentally draining but I can just imagine how a person with  BPD feels...

I could care less how the enemy feels.

Actually I hope she feels like skit !

[fred6]

yes exactly... see my ex even deactivated her Facebook page... she completely ran away. They do stalk. But In a more covert secretive way.

Mine was a facebookaholic. She was always posting stuff. But since our split up, she un friended me and she hasn't posted anything since Oct. 11, all she has done is "liked" a handful of other peoples posts. I wonder what that's all about? She's laying low for some reason. Kind of like our relationship. One minute she's all over the map and the next minute she's gone. Kind of weird. Maybe she fcuked up her r/s with new supply already and is hiding from him. .

[hurting300]

yes exactly... see my ex even deactivated her Facebook page... she completely ran away. They do stalk. But In a more covert secretive way.

Mine was a facebookaholic. She was always posting stuff. But since our split up, she un friended me and she hasn't posted anything since Oct. 11, all she has done is "liked" a handful of other peoples posts. I wonder what that's all about? She's laying low for some reason. Kind of like our relationship. One minute she's all over the map and the next minute she's gone. Kind of weird. Maybe she fcuked up her r/s with new supply already and is hiding from him. .

mine was ALWAYS on Facebook! Until she disappeared. She deactivated the page but came on for ten minutes last night. She still has the I love my boyfriend posts up about me. It's weird as hell... they all seem to have the same pattern i swear.

[fred6]

yes exactly... see my ex even deactivated her Facebook page... she completely ran away. They do stalk. But In a more covert secretive way.

Mine was a facebookaholic. She was always posting stuff. But since our split up, she un friended me and she hasn't posted anything since Oct. 11, all she has done is "liked" a handful of other peoples posts. I wonder what that's all about? She's laying low for some reason. Kind of like our relationship. One minute she's all over the map and the next minute she's gone. Kind of weird. Maybe she fcuked up her r/s with new supply already and is hiding from him. .

mine was ALWAYS on Facebook! Until she disappeared. She deactivated the page but came on for ten minutes last night. She still has the I love my boyfriend posts up about me. It's weird as hell... they all seem to have the same pattern i swear.

Yeah, it's just weird. She de friended me. So in return, I blocked her, tit for tat. Then she stopped posting. For a while there, I was actually worried about her. I didn't know if something happened or she did something stupid. But she did start "liking" things again so I guess everything is OK in "crazyland". Like I said, she might be hiding from me or new supply. Ha, ha, probably both of us... .

[hurting300]

It's simple... they flee from you. It's because of shame and being afraid. I'm not giving mine the pleasure of blocking her. I'm gonna go silent and disappear too... two can play that little game. But yes they all seem to have a pattern of behavior...

[rickdeckard]

yes exactly... see my ex even deactivated her Facebook page... she completely ran away. They do stalk. But In a more covert secretive way.

Mine was a facebookaholic. She was always posting stuff. But since our split up, she un friended me and she hasn't posted anything since Oct. 11, all she has done is "liked" a handful of other peoples posts. I wonder what that's all about? She's laying low for some reason. Kind of like our relationship. One minute she's all over the map and the next minute she's gone. Kind of weird. Maybe she fcuked up her r/s with new supply already and is hiding from him. .

mine was ALWAYS on Facebook! Until she disappeared. She deactivated the page but came on for ten minutes last night. She still has the I love my boyfriend posts up about me. It's weird as hell... they all seem to have the same pattern i swear.

By Yoda, the FB thing... .

If one wanted to play games and mess with heads (in a junior highschool fashion), what better place? Its full of attention seeking children of all ages. Thats what it is for... .show everyone how great things are. What you had for breakfast. Your dog having puppies. An electronic mask that can be custom tailored.

Back on topic... .

After the last drive by from her then replacement I told her I would press charges if she didnt stop with the stalking behaviour. And I meant it. Im not secretly hoping she shows up at the doorstep so I can give her an earful or sleep with her again. I di not want her showing up. Not welcome. Even less welcome with replacement in tow to cause a drama circus for her benefit. No.

it feels kinda flattering that the ex "is still thinking about you" by doing the drive bys. Maybe if you tell them to stop it they will text or call you back, after replacement is asleep/in the next room/at work and say say (most likely) I have no idea what you are talking about". Or ignore you because they have already gotten what they wanted.

Options:

Continue to ignore and, if its what you REALLY want, hope they go away.

OR

Involve the authorities. Tell them you are being f'd with by a person you dint want in your life. This is attention. But its attention with a warning to stop the crap. Or else.

OR

Ask her to stop. If this person is being creepy enough to di drive bus most likely they wont. But, you will make them happy for a bit.

[myself]

They want to feel like they exist.

Having some control over it.

We all do.

[Bak86]

I'm sort of guilty for drive-by's as well... .

We live about 200m from each other. Whenever i have to go to work, or to the city i have to drive by her apartment. I could take another route if i wanted to, but that would take me longer. So i drive by her house multiple times a week. Funny thing is that i caught her once driving through my street with a friend, except that my street is not on route to anything. So i wonder if she did this, just to check up on me.

[Vitto18]

Is there such a thing as a walk-by? 

Being in the unfortunate situation of working with uBPDex, have recently noted that she finds reasons to come & talk to people who work / sit in close proximity to me. There are times when we inadvertantly cross paths around work, but there are other times when it seems like she makes a deliberate attempt to impose herself onto my consciousness. Maybe that sounds vain, but intuition is intuition folks. 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the fact is I still have an intense emotional & physical reaction to my ex, 8 odd months after we broke up. That is to say: the sight of her, the sound of her voice, makes me angry, anxious, ashamed, disgusted & desperately sad, all at once. I have a dull nerve pain in my right arm which seems to stem from stress related to her. It takes all the self-control in my being to ignore her.

(Funny enough, she once told me the sound of my voice triggered her, & she would put her earphones on whenever she heard me at work.)

At times I will look right at her & see her casting quick glances in my direction. Most of the time I ignore her. I know my face doesn't hide much about how I feel & until now I didn't understand why she seemed to get some kind of kick out of seeing my reaction to her. I imagine my face tightens up & the anger flashes in my eyes, but who knows?

I still don't understand why anyone would get a thrill from knowing she is despised, but what do I know?

I thought she felt shame because immediately after the break-up & after hooking a replacement, she gave me a wide berth, but recently she seems to want to flaunt something in my face? Very weird.

I would love to get to a stage where I am totally indifferent to her, but seeing her everyday seems to only prolong the pain, rather lessen it.




 

   

   

[Bak86]

Is there such a thing as a walk-by? 

Being in the unfortunate situation of working with uBPDex, have recently noted that she finds reasons to come & talk to people who work / sit in close proximity to me. There are times when we inadvertantly cross paths around work, but there are other times when it seems like she makes a deliberate attempt to impose herself onto my consciousness. Maybe that sounds vain, but intuition is intuition folks. 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the fact is I still have an intense emotional & physical reaction to my ex, 8 odd months after we broke up. That is to say: the sight of her, the sound of her voice, makes me angry, anxious, ashamed, disgusted & desperately sad, all at once. I have a dull nerve pain in my right arm which seems to stem from stress related to her. It takes all the self-control in my being to ignore her.

(Funny enough, she once told me the sound of my voice triggered her, & she would put her earphones on whenever she heard me at work.)

At times I will look right at her & see her casting quick glances in my direction. Most of the time I ignore her. I know my face doesn't hide much about how I feel & until now I didn't understand why she seemed to get some kind of kick out of seeing my reaction to her. I imagine my face tightens up & the anger flashes in my eyes, but who knows?

I still don't understand why anyone would get a thrill from knowing she is despised, but what do I know?

I thought she felt shame because immediately after the break-up & after hooking a replacement, she gave me a wide berth, but recently she seems to want to flaunt something in my face? Very weird.

I would love to get to a stage where I am totally indifferent to her, but seeing her everyday seems to only prolong the pain, rather lessen it.

Haha oh yes! I work with my ex as well. She often walks by as well, she sits in my line of view and throws glances at me, talks about other men when i'm around etc.