Alone

[FlyingAway]

Hi,

I just ended my 6 year relationship with a BPD yesterday. I have no kids, and only a sister to talk to about how much pain I'm in now. She's unavailable today. I know it's completely over, as I said some horrible things to this person whom I loved when we talked last night. My cutting words were a response to the horribly hurtful (cheating, devaluing, and pushing me away by saying horrible things, while at the same time, professing her love, and telling me, "I'll never let you go." things she's done over the past several years, while I stood by, hoping that by showing love, comfort, and steadiness, she would see the light, and love me in return.

Part of my despair has to do with the knowledge that I'll never talk to this person I loved so deeply ever again. I understand the issues with BPD, and am aware that people with this disorder don't love. Having experienced the death of my mother at an early age, I can honestly say this pain (which has been going on for the past few years) has somehow had a greater effect. I don't feel like I'm at the beginning of this journey of grief, but I do feel like I killed something. And it's killing me. A few words from the kind folks here may make me feel less alone. Thanks.

[peiper]

Hi,

I just ended my 6 year relationship with a BPD yesterday. I have no kids, and only a sister to talk to about how much pain I'm in now. She's unavailable today. I know it's completely over, as I said some horrible things to this person whom I loved when we talked last night. My cutting words were a response to the horribly hurtful (cheating, devaluing, and pushing me away by saying horrible things, while at the same time, professing her love, and telling me, "I'll never let you go." things she's done over the past several years, while I stood by, hoping that by showing love, comfort, and steadiness, she would see the light, and love me in return.

Part of my despair has to do with the knowledge that I'll never talk to this person I loved so deeply ever again. I understand the issues with BPD, and am aware that people with this disorder don't love. Having experienced the death of my mother at an early age, I can honestly say this pain (which has been going on for the past few years) has somehow had a greater effect. I don't feel like I'm at the beginning of this journey of grief, but I do feel like I killed something. And it's killing me. A few words from the kind folks here may make me feel less alone. Thanks.

Your well on your journey and this is the place to make that trip my friend. Stick around, read up on this and post when your down. Hang in there man

[FlyingAway]

Thank you, Peiper.

[fromheeltoheal]

cheating, devaluing, and pushing me away by saying horrible things, while at the same time, professing her love, and telling me, "I'll never let you go.

 

That's standard borderline behavior, as you seem to know, and I'm sorry you're alone and grieving, although congratulations too: you took action to take care of yourself and you found your way here, things are looking up in that regard.  And you're not alone here, not only that, all of us understand what you're going through.  It's in your best interest to stop the bleeding and not say any more hurtful things to her, even though you may feel like it, best to focus on detaching emotionally, which can take a while.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, eat right, sleep enough, get some exercise, avoid booze and caffeine, talk, talk, talk, to a professional if you need it, but at least to us.  Take care of you!

[FlyingAway]

Thanks, heeltoheal,

I appreciate your confirming what I've learned about BPD behavior. I've been working on detaching over the past year, since we've lived in different states, and have seen each other only infrequently. I'm also seeing a therapist. I know I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other right now, and suppose all of my anger and frustration came out for the first time last night when she called looking for support for her pending missing of her new bf (she's moving to her parents for a few months), while knowing how much I still love her. I felt tiny and abused, and this is the first time I've ever struck out at her. She made a unilateral decision that we should be friends--though I fully admit my complicity. I'm the only friend she's ever had and kept--but I felt sad for her, and not strong enough for me, and this is what happened.

While I know "friendship" is an impossibility (confirmed on these forums and by everyone I've talked to about it), I tried to let it be, so I wouldn't lose her entirely. I realize my mistake, and also that of my anger at her. I'll keep focusing on detaching, and will post here frequently. Thank you again.

[Climbmountains91]

  didnt wanted to read and run. Just wanted to let you know how you feel and your not alone. You have this supportive forum and you can always pm me anytime i don't mind at all I know what its like not having many people around to talk to, i have family but really i only have one best friend who i can only talk to about this stuff, no one else gets it.   x

[patientandclear]

Flying.

Am I understanding correctly that she called you, her "friend," to confide that she's really going to miss her new bf?

Thank goodness you put a stop to that.

I did the friends thing post-r/s for a long time--for a while I posted a lot around here about how well it was going. I've concluded after learning the hard way that friendship with a BPD ex lover is an arrangement where they have the emotional access to you that they always did; but you are owed and can count on nothing. And if anything hurts you and you object, they can be indignant that you are breaking the terms of the deal.

I wouldn't lose sleep over any angry words you expressed. First of all, long term, expressing your anger doesn't seem to cost the non-partner anything. The pwBPD may not

respond well immediately, but long term, you may even hear you were right and they are sorry. More fundamentally, what do you have to lose? Situation is already pretty painful and messed up.

So don't kick yourself. Sounds like you set some boundaries and conveyed that you expect your relationships not to hurt you. Good for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've concluded after learning the hard way that friendship with a BPD ex lover is an arrangement where they have the emotional access to you that they always did; but you are owed and can count on nothing. And if anything hurts you and you object, they can be indignant that you are breaking the terms of the deal.

Yep.  In the push/pull world of BPD, too close feel engulfed, too far feel abandoned, where the only contentment and happiness is short lived and on the fence between the two, a 'friendship' is an attempt to straddle that line.  Mine tried the same thing, because she likes me a lot and I got pretty good at soothing her, when she wasn't triggered by me, but it would always be on her terms and what I feel doesn't matter, it's all take and no give, except to dump her crap on me and throw in a little devaluation so she could feel better.  That's not friendship, and I would always want more of what she can't give anyway, so what's the point?

[rickdeckard]

 

Im sorry you are hurting so badly, please know that you are not alone in the world. The people here may be 20 feet or 20 hours from you physically. But they are never more than a few words away.

Welcome and know that you are among friends. From everywhere. We are all different. But have a shared interest.

[FlyingAway]

Many thanks to all who responded to my post. Climbmountains91, your kind words helped me know that there are, indeed, folks on this forum who care and who make themselves available for support.

Patientandclear, Thanks for your perspective on friendship post-BPD relationship. Yes, she did in fact call me for soothing her feelings about her impending separation from her new bf. This is part of what set me off emotionally the other night and made me put an end to our contact. Blocked her from my phone and email accounts. Your comment that heeltoheal highlighted was excellent, and really revealing. Yes, she still gets everything she needs from me, but I get nothing but abuse in return. Her pattern has been to be indignant when I expose my feelings, always saying, "I made perfectly clear that this relationship is nothing but friendship." Talk about pain, frustration, anger and total helplessness. I've been stuffing this in, and not dealing with it in any positive way.

Heeltoheal, "Too close feel engulfed, too far feel abandoned" hits the mark completely. She has said, "I can't be owned" many times. At 42, she's never had a long-term relationship, and her short-term liaisons tend to be with unavailable (married or partnered) partners. The abandoned aspect results in her saying things like "I'll never let you go," and "I'll always find you." Although I doubt these still hold true now, after the excoriating verbal onslaught I delivered the other night.

Rick, Thank you for your kind comments. I do feel that I am not alone, especially when reading about other people's similar stories.