About to Break down

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't seen my BPD in over a year.  We text and talk over that time though and almost getting BACK together but I pull out on that twice.  She did many things of course.

I haven't text or received text in over 2 months now.  2 month ago she was blaming me for being so in love with myself, and that was too hard on her.  (Boy do they project) it was all about her needs, and if not met, she would go into rages, and push me away, and do other nutty things.  She always said, I went on & on about why I left.  (She said it was mind numbing) 

I finally left after being pushed away, ignored, her raging and punching in the car while drive, accused of stupid stuff (All blame stuff) and finally but most importantly, because I accidently caught her on a dating site (showing her stuff) and her refusal (and I asked nicely) and her finally saying, "NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO OR SAY" we were exclusive. I thought that was cruel.  I couldn't ever think of doing what she does do anyone no matter how I would feel. I try to keep that in mind.

I thought how much crap can I take.  But as you can see, it's my fault for walking out on this R/S.  Not one bit of her admitting fault, except 11 months ago when I guess things weren't going good for her, and she admitted to pushing me away and being a total mean b___, but now, it's me.

The screwy part is I still yearn for her, like somehow I was to quick to quit this tortured relationship, and yet, and yet, I really crave her. 

So, the problem (forget her's) is what is it in me that would want this women back  (surely with next victim already aboard too) who would treat me like this without any remorse, and no I am not alone, and have a nice girlfriend but now, I am doing her and myself and great disservice thinking about my smoking hot exBPDgf. (Many surgeries all over.)   We both are not young, we are in are early 60's.  She gone thru 3 husbands, and has nothing to do with her parents or family except her kids, no friends, yet I am craving. JUST AN OBESSSION and not wanting to feel I didn't give it a chance thought she broke up with me at least 7 times, and me twice, and I am trying to hold to this one, but it's really, really killing me this week.

My friends think I am totally nuts to even talk about her since they heard the stories and are amazed I would even think about her.

ANY HELP GREATLY APPRECIATE! THANKS

[outside9x]

I haven't seen my BPD in over a year.  We text and talk over that time though and almost getting BACK together but I pull out on that twice.  She did many things of course.

I haven't text or received text in over 2 months now.  2 month ago she was blaming me for being so in love with myself, and that was too hard on her.  (Boy do they project) it was all about her needs, and if not met, she would go into rages, and push me away, and do other nutty things.  She always said, I went on & on about why I left.  (She said it was mind numbing) 

I finally left after being pushed away, ignored, her raging and punching in the car while drive, accused of stupid stuff (All blame stuff) and finally but most importantly, because I accidently caught her on a dating site (showing her stuff) and her refusal (and I asked nicely) and her finally saying, "NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO OR SAY" we were exclusive. I thought that was cruel.  I couldn't ever think of doing what she does do anyone no matter how I would feel. I try to keep that in mind.

I thought how much crap can I take.  But as you can see, it's my fault for walking out on this R/S.  Not one bit of her admitting fault, except 11 months ago when I guess things weren't going good for her, and she admitted to pushing me away and being a total mean b___, but now, it's me.

The screwy part is I still yearn for her, like somehow I was to quick to quit this tortured relationship, and yet, and yet, I really crave her. 

So, the problem (forget her's) is what is it in me that would want this women back  (surely with next victim already aboard too) who would treat me like this without any remorse, and no I am not alone, and have a nice girlfriend but now, I am doing her and myself and great disservice thinking about my smoking hot exBPDgf. (Many surgeries all over.)   We both are not young, we are in are early 60's.  She gone thru 3 husbands, and has nothing to do with her parents or family except her kids, no friends, yet I am craving. JUST AN OBESSSION and not wanting to feel I didn't give it a chance thought she broke up with me at least 7 times, and me twice, and I am trying to hold to this one, but it's really, really killing me this week.

My friends think I am totally nuts to even talk about her since they heard the stories and are amazed I would even think about her.

ANY HELP GREATLY APPRECIATE! THANKS

[Trog]

These relationships touch us to our very core because they trigger issues within us. I managed to escape my exBPD three times (this being the third and final time) and ruined a perfectly lovely relationship with a lovely woman because of this craving. I warn you now, you have to get this woman out of your head or face ruining this relationship, being hot is no reason to ruin your life! I would suggest going into therapy to help you deal with whatever issues you have that make this woman so appealing to you.

Be assured, dealing with a BPD who refuses to acknowledge her illness will lead your life into total ruin, do NOT play with fire no matter how hot she may be. As they have issues, just as deeply we have severe issues, your friends and family wont listen because you are crazy! I really hate to bring up my ex with friends and family because frankly, the way I have let my entire personality become eroded and suffered physical and emotional abuse from this "hot woman" is embarressing. I rue the day that woman entered my life but I suppose on some level it needed to happen to show me how messed up I am and thats what all of us are dealing with here. Stop looking thru the mirror she is holding up for you, take the mirror and run off with and try to help yourself and your new partner, you deserve love and respect, take it and be good to your new partner.

[shellbent]

I split with my ex 5 months ago and I still can't get her out of my head. She has cut contact with me since I think her abandonment was triggered. We work together and I have been trying to talk to her and being a friend for her.

NC is really tough and I just want to be around her in some pathetic way. At times I found that by talking to her I was realizing more and more a person that I wasn't familiar with. Not the person I fell in love with. And while trying to hold on to that feeling that was only existing within me, I was (am) driving myself insane.

Still after each contact I start to miss her again and a part of me wants to hold on to the notion that she is right for me. And it feels horrible to be devalued after her looking up to me. Because I can see what she has been through and totally relate to her pain. Of course she is currently denying it with her new supply and all.

She is convinced now that she is supposed to work hard at a r/s with someone because what she felt towards me was way too intense and it brought out the "worst" in her.

So I don't know if this is mirroring or some kind of self delusion, but most likely I tend to believe it is her distorted view of seeing things, so to her it is most likely another attempt to cheat the inevitable. So I suppose only time will tell if she still has BPD traits and will still be paralyzed by abandonment even with her "new approach" to a rs.

So if this woman in the back of my mind not nearly as great as I make her out to be, then why am I so stuck on this idea of her. Maybe if I got "another chance" with her then I would realize that it was all in my head. But I will always keep wondering because at one point she felt like I was all she ever wanted. It makes me think that she has some truly distorted view of the things around her, and she couldn't accept my love for her.

What do I need out of this?

What is wrong with me?

How messed up are we?

And what is it that I needed to learn from this, from all the pain it has caused me for the past months? Every time I think about the pain she caused me it makes my inner child feel abandoned and deserted. The love I felt from her was like no other, it makes me think no one can love me as much as she did.

[outside9x]

Thanks Trog!  You nailed it .  and its us now that are a messed up due to that relationships the desires the crazy emotions we dismissed n try to justify and then questioning did we do the best we could do. ( reliving certain rages they have, like its always our fault.

Your words if the mirror they put up is so ringing true n it kinda jolted me because that's exactly what it is.  They never show their true selves n when they do we denied.

Thanks so so much. Another openning of my eyes.

[outside9x]

Shell bent. So sorry you are going thru this to n I know or bet she blames most if not all on you n that is not so. Though we can make mistakes  , who doesn't I can tell you loved her deeply. That's what you ( we) have to understand  a women who is healthy n loves you too knows this n would never be mean n hurt you n if they did they would be there for you.  It takes two n because I think we want it to work so badly we put everything on our back to lug n that's just impossible love n well , not real love n caring. So we need to give up the craving for something that is very harmful to us in everyway.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I am not sure if i am craving him or not... .im really confused

at this point but i get how youre feeling. i keep thinking if i hadn't

Set a boundary with him he still may be here... .was it my fault?

am i the crazy one? its a crapshoot.i miss certain things we had.

its very hard. but mostly he was a fantasy... .deep down he is NOT

a good person. its hard to radically accept that bc i wouldnt have

been with him to begin with if i didnt believe he was a good person.

which means i was fooled... which means the person i thought he

was... was a lie.

hard to radically accept that. we were friends for years then lovers.

shows you can never really know a person.

[shellbent]

Shell bent. So sorry you are going thru this to n I know or bet she blames most if not all on you n that is not so. Though we can make mistakes  , who doesn't I can tell you loved her deeply. That's what you ( we) have to understand  a women who is healthy n loves you too knows this n would never be mean n hurt you n if they did they would be there for you.  It takes two n because I think we want it to work so badly we put everything on our back to lug n that's just impossible love n well , not real love n caring. So we need to give up the craving for something that is very harmful to us in everyway.

I believe you and thanks for saying this, it helps to balance things out in my head.

Yes I felt great with her, but she was unstable and she didn't feel like she should have to work on things regarding herself. If this bu had happened years down the line, I might have not survived it. So the feeling that I could trust someone with all my heart was replaced with yet another disappointment with a side of heartbreak.

But sometimes I feel like I don't even know what true love and caring feels like. My family is very loving towards me, but I'm worried that I have a messed up way of seeing things. I don't know what it is like for someone to care about me in that way. Someone who isn't related to me. It has been so long since I felt that someone could care about me, maybe when someone does I am just too busy to notice, or it doesn't "excite" me in that way so I turn away from it.

I was never this helpless and lost in my life before, and it is not easy to admit it. I always knew what I wanted and didn't let things get me down.

So it worries me that I can't imagine a better future and somehow make this all out to be a suffering.