Going NC with BPDmother?

[K1313]

Hi everyone. I'm pretty new here but I've been so grateful to read over posts from everyone else and realize that I'm not alone or crazy about what I've been experiencing my whole life with my mother.

I used to think I could never go NC - how could I live with myself if I abandoned my mother? What if something happened to her? How could I entertain such a thought about someone who had done so much for me? Etc. (my mother conforms strongly to the waif subtype FYI)

But something happened today that made my skin crawl and left me so angry.

Backstory:

Long story short: I fell in love (unrequited) with someone in college. My brother attended college an hour away. One weekend he came to visit and the three of us hung out. I confided in him that I was in love with the person and that was that. Or so I thought.

Well that winter I was recuperating from a major surgery (literally only a week after I'd been operated on) when he told me that he had been seeing her in secret. I was devastated. To make matters worse, my mother had read my diary the week before my operation and was still angry at me for what she had read. So while I was 100% physically dependent on them, this was emotional state of our relationships. Awesome right?

So the girl and I managed to make amends (she apologized for lying to me and sneaking around etc) and went on to become good friends (and still are) but my relationship with my brother suffered tremendously. It wasn't the first time he had done something comparable and, honestly, there's a ton of bad history there that would take a year to detail. Of course my mother took his side during all of this (as she so often does - he's the golden child).

Flash Forward To:

Today (10 years later) I find out that my mother has friended the girl on Facebook. And to me... .This is just too much. She met her once for less than 10 minutes. My mother is not friends with any of my other friends including my best friends of 20 years... .Or the maid of honor from my wedding (whom my brother also slept with... .At my wedding. Great brother, huh?) or my friends who've stayed in our house. Or just... .Any of my friends whom she has spent more than 10 effing minutes with.

She and I are in a bit of conflict this week and I can't help but see this as super passive-aggressive. She's picked the one person who has been a massive source of discord in my relationship with my brother (and by extension my mother who inserts into everything). It just feels soo inappropriate. It's weird and creepy. She hasn't seen this girl in almost a decade. Why now?

I know I've left out a ton of details so I'm can only imagine how catty this sounds but... .this just feels like too much. She's picked at the one wound that's always going to be a little raw especially because I was told for years that I was being unfair to my brother about it. She's always tried to get close with my friends and she thinks I'm being weird and selfish for not thinking it's normal for her to be friends with mine. But she's my mom... .Like... .I don't know anyone who is close friends with their friend's parents... .Am I wrong? In high school she was always approaching my friends and confiding in them about me or if I was having conflict with one of my friends she would tell them things I'd told her in private.

I just feel so violated. Like... .A huge boundary has been crossed for me and honestly, I think I'm done. This, taken with everything I've been wrestling with about my childhood and the emotional abuse that I suffered from her... .It's just too much.

My husband has wanted me to cut her off for a long time. And just today (before I knew about her friending this person) I was talking with my other brother who lives on the other side of the country. He was talking about his decision to avoid talking to our mother very often for all the reasons we nonBPD's struggle with - her constant neediness, negativity, ongoing crisis, idealizing&demonizing, emotional abuse/incest & emotional manipulation, parentification, etc etc etc.

She's supposed to come visit next week (I live a full day's drive away so I only see her once or twice a year) and I'm dreading it. I mean... .I already was but now... .I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Or my poor husband who was planning to avoid her by being out of town but couldn't get the time off. Ugh... .I just have to get through those 5 days.

I wish I could go full out NC but I also know that, deep down, I'm still too caught up in FOG to do that yet. Low Contact is my goal (we talk a lot on the phone despite not seeing each other very often but even that's been too much for me in the last few weeks/months) for right now I guess.

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of thing? their BPD person being weird and inappropriate with your friends/partners/coworkers etc?

[Shelle]

I can definitely relate to you, K1313.  To this day, I feel worried about journaling, even on the advice of self-help books, because my parents would always find them and read them when I was growing up.

It might be easier to go NC if you tell yourself that it doesn't have to be permanent.  You may be able to contact them on a limited basis after you have made personal progress.  You know yourself best.

-Shelle 

[clljhns]

Hi K1313,

Whoa! You definitely are dealing with two people who do not respect boundaries! I am shocked that your brother thought it appropriate to do such a thing at your wedding. I am also dismayed that your mother would share such personal information and secrets with your friends. I am so sorry you are in such an unhappy place with your mother and brother.

Yes. My mother is also inappropriate and does not respect boundaries. Through the years she demeaned every friend I had, and yet, when she was at gatherings at my home with my friends, she couldn't wait to gossip about me to them. Unreal! I have been NC contact for years with my parents and found out two years ago that she continued to contact my ex-husband for two years after we divorced. He was only too happy to tell me of this, which I thought was very odd, given she never liked him. I really wouldn't put it past her to have imagined a torrid love affair between her and my ex-husband. But, then, there is certainly something wrong with him if he continued to talk with her for so long, when she barely spoke to him in the 11 years we were married.

My choice to go NC was driven by my need for my own sanity's sake. It was very difficult at first, and felt like a death. I grieved for them for several years. I do live a more peaceful life since I went NC. No more drama. No more rages. No more criticizing everything I do.

Have you tried VLC? Could this be an option? Some people find it impossible to not have some contact. Perhaps, just at birthdays and holidays? Are you seeing a professional to help guide you with this? I found it immensely helpful to see a therapist after I went NC, just to help me navigate through the years of abuse and the untangling of our enmeshed lives.

Wishing you all the best.

Peace and blessings. 

[Trollvaaken]

I can totally relate. My mum matched my best friend with one of her colleagues from work with whom my mother is friends and it really damaged my friendship with my best friend because I felt like nothing was sacred. Now, they are married, so when I was living back home, when they would come visit, my mother would spend her time with us. She even wants to go on girly week-ends with us. My mum even told me, that my friend told her that she thought I was secretive. My friend is very sweet, but had a father with BPD and I think that is why she falls under my mother's spell easily, plus she is scatter-brained. No wonder I am secretive, it has happened in the past that my mum found out something private about me through my friend.

When my sister told my mother she was having a hard time with her boyfriend, my mum corresponded directly with the boyfriend for over a year unbeknownst to my sister. Needless to say, she dumped that guy.

She's also read all of our diaries.

I don't really have any advice for you regarding going NC as I don't think I want it for myself, partly due to FOG and also because we still have good times together. Do you still have "good times" with your mother? I get the impression that you don't.

I don't know what shape you or your mother is in, or if it is even possible for you, but I took a vacation with my mother a few years back. I suggested we go on a biking tour. This was perfect, because every day we would bike a lot, so it felt like we were bonding, but we were too tired to talk too much and by the time we had made it to our next destination, we were so tired all we could do was eat supper and it was lights out at 9 pm. So, maybe having a heavily charged agenda while she is visiting will make it so busy, that she cannot start an awkward or hurtful conversation with you. Why is she visiting anyway, because of a special occasion or just because it has been a while?

Please tell us how it went anyway.

[aubin]

I can relate as well -- your mother sounds just like mine! When I was young living at home, my mother read my journals (until I gave up writing them) and would pester my friends for information about me, including calling them up at night and claiming that she was worried about me to get them to talk to her. As an adult, she's attempt to seduce at least one of my friends and has been just generally really inappropriate with the people in my life.

I've been VLC with my mother for over a year (only brief texts or emails at holidays). At first, it was easy because I was so relieved to not have to deal with her. But then it became very hard because of the crushing guilt. Now I just take it day by day, telling myself, "I won't talk to her today." Or really, I ask myself if I want to talk to her today, and the answer is inevitably, "No."

You will know what is best for you and your family, but I think creating some distance between yourself and the abuser is necessary for healing to get underway.

[sophiegirl]

yes, your mother sounds similar to mine too! Over the years I have gone NC but she always tracks me down and I fall for the waif act or whatever as I do feel a certain sympathy for her. She always wants to be part of my social circle and acts like a little child when I say no she can't come round or go out to my friends house (I am 48!). She will cite other peoples sons and daughters who include their parents in everything just to make me feel a bit guilty. She encourages me to see certain friends who will ask her to join in out of politeness and openly dislike my friends who don't make the effort. She will also contact ex friends of mine and even invite them round which I have to view as quite spiteful really.

(She lives next door so she can watch anybody coming to visit and likewise I can see any visitor she has too) But I have set boundaries. I make the decisions of whether she is included and I don't back down anymore, after all they aren't her friends and its not my fault that she doesn't have any. Thanks to this group I realise I don't have to feel guilty.

[K1313]

I don't really have any advice for you regarding going NC as I don't think I want it for myself, partly due to FOG and also because we still have good times together. Do you still have "good times" with your mother? I get the impression that you don't.

... .

So, maybe having a heavily charged agenda while she is visiting will make it so busy, that she cannot start an awkward or hurtful conversation with you. Why is she visiting anyway, because of a special occasion or just because it has been a while?

Please tell us how it went anyway.

1. FOG is an issue for me regarding going NC too. It's why I'm thinking VLC is probably my best bet for now.

2. There are times when I still have fun ("good times" with my mother. She can be dazzling and witty and lovely and when she's like that... .It's wonderful because it's like I have my mom back. But if I'm realistic it's only like that 30% of the time.  The rest of the time... .It's just stressful and feels like I'm hunkering down in the path of an oncoming tornado of tears and rage and despair. I've gotten pretty good at going away inside when she's like that (Mother mode) and riding it out. Of course once I'm away from her, all the feelings she's just stirred up come flooding to the surface.

3. She is coming to visit just because it's been about 6months since we've seen each other. But she wound up not coming down this week. It was her suggestion that she come down next month instead because things are stressful in our house right now (finishing up a bathroom remodel, sick cat, a couple minor health issues etc). I took her up on the offer even though I was dubious that it wouldn't backfire. Sure enough, the next day it was "oh are you regretting asking me not to come?" And when I said "I didn't ask you not to come. You offered to reschedule the trip." She just laughed at me and said something along the lines of "ookay" argh.

I'm so frustrated and exhausted with my win yo-yo feelings. Like... .I was soo grateful when she offered to reschedule because I felt like she was recognizing that I had personal stress and needed some time to recuperate I felt such gratitude and warmth towards her for recognizing my needs (there is my mom! Maybe I'm just overreacting and being judgmental and she's not so bad) but then, less than 24 hours later she's already changed the narrative to my asking her not to come (see: rejecting her). So now I feel like an idiot again for letting my guard down.

It's like every time I make progress at protecting myself... .I just slip back.

[sophiegirl]

and nah, you're not crazy!

my mother is 89 has she is the queen of the changing narrative. 5 years ago she rang up and declared she was coming to live near us as she had no real friends where she was and all her best friends were dead. So she arrives and moves in with us, temporarily, whilst we get her a permanent home. she now lives next door. Her new narrative is that I 'begged' her to move closer and she actually hates it here and misses all her real friends who she left behind. I have pulled her up on this story but she throws a fit "I certainly NEVER said that, I had lots of wonderful friends" and I think she genuinely believes her new narrative is the truth.

[funfunctional]

Oh yes... .I can relate to this.  Classic BPD move in my non-professional opinion.     This is exactly something my BPD MIL did and exactly something my SISTER did.     I am NC with both of them. 

That was a nasty thing your mother did.  No boundaries.   Also,  BPD people form relationships with people that are "controversal" and "dramatic".     No loyalty.   Watch your back and don't give your mom private information regarding your marriage or kids or fiends.    Information is power to them.   

Good luck in whatever you decide.    You are supported if you decide to go NC.    Come here to talk.   Many of us here just "get it". 

[coldNheartless]

Yikes, too much for me to respond to but it all stinks and hits home at the same time! BPDs love to get in the honeypot don't they?

Try NC and see how it feels. Its not like a diet with a goal at the end, its all about how it feels, theres no rules. For me, its great but it has its lonely sides and often family "don't get it". But my BPDm is volatile so she picked it. Honestly life is more peaceful and I am SOO much more productive. I find that BPD people hog up so much brain space, once you are free of them the real work gets rolling.

Hey, you clearly have boundaries, no one forced them to cross them, they mad the choice and these are the consequences.

Good luck to you!