Why can't they give closure, and why do we need it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So frustrating. Despite my ex sometimes ignoring my text, sometimes responding, why do I feel the need to get closure, that being for him to actually say "hey, I don't want to be your friend". I'm sure it's too keep us dangling on a string, but a simple- thanks but no thanks would allow me to walk away so much easier.

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

Anyone have trouble getting their exes to just tell them to eff off, for lack of a better word. Or to say, I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be your friend, etc... .

Frustrated today.

[Tater tot]

So frustrating. Despite my ex sometimes ignoring my text, sometimes responding, why do I feel the need to get closure, that being for him to actually say "hey, I don't want to be your friend". I'm sure it's too keep us dangling on a string, but a simple- thanks but no thanks would allow me to walk away so much easier.

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

Anyone have trouble getting their exes to just tell them to eff off, for lack of a better word. Or to say, I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be your friend, etc... .

Frustrated today.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I tried for closure - no chance.  No Contact is about as good as it is going to get.  They cannot say goodbye.  Like a little child they will throw their toys out of the window in a rage - but they still want you hanging on for when they need something from you.

[Algae]

Closure requires moving on.  They don't want to move on.  They want to keep you dangling, so they can come back in case whatever theyre doing now fails.  If they give you closure, than they will of lost you.  And they don't want that.

You're like a teapot left on the backburner while she's using the front burners for something she thinks is more important.

[BrokenFamily]

The response above sounds dead on. My ex and mother of my child and I were together 4 years had a great relationship and happy family until a silly fight a month ago broke us up. A week later she was in love with a new guy and didn't want anything to do with me , until she needed a ride or cigarettes or anything she could think of to make my jump to her rescue. We become friends again and just when I'm content with the breakup and happy I'm no longer painted black she's ignoring my calls and making me feel like total craps again.

[guy4caligirl]

Closure requires moving on.  They don't want to move on.  They want to keep you dangling, so they can come back in case whatever theyre doing now fails.  If they give you closure, than they will of lost you.  And they don't want that.

You're like a teapot left on the backburner while she's using the front burners for something she thinks is more important.

Hi She never gave me a closure by phone , all she did is by text claiming I will never come back .

"this is my last email , this time I won't even look back " then out of the blue

"I was sick with the flue I couldn't get to my laptop " then

" I miss my dog "for the first time in 3 months , then , after being sick she goes "no one should be alone and I am the one who build the walls not being able to communicate , and she doesn't want these walls ."

Go figure out that mess ?

I hope that helped you !

[Mutt]

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

I think healthy adults give each other closure after the r/s is done. I can relate with your post, I asked the same question. I'm really sorry 

It deeply hurts feelings when he suddenly treats you like you don't exist. He may or may not respond to a text or email. He wasn't like this before. It's like everything just stops.

You're dealing with a man that copes differently than you.

More accurately, runs away from his issues. He has maladaptive coping skills and doesn't seem phased. It does, he's entrenched in his own pain and trauma.

You can find closure for yourself.

[Boss302]

So frustrating. Despite my ex sometimes ignoring my text, sometimes responding, why do I feel the need to get closure, that being for him to actually say "hey, I don't want to be your friend". I'm sure it's too keep us dangling on a string, but a simple- thanks but no thanks would allow me to walk away so much easier.

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

Anyone have trouble getting their exes to just tell them to eff off, for lack of a better word. Or to say, I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be your friend, etc... .

Frustrated today.

This is indeed a difficult truth of relationships with disordered people - you'll never get closure. Keep in mind that closure means one person "fesses up" to the things that he or she did wrong, to paraphrase what Mutt says, and that's something that people who aren't disordered are capable of doing. A disordered person will rarely do that - you'll end up being blamed for it all.

My BPDx dragged my good name through the mud for two years, failed to get my kids proper care (I had one daughter whose tooth literally rotted out of her mouth while she played games with me on getting her to a dentist, which I'd have been able to do easily), kept my oldest daughter out of school for a year, did not enforce attendance, and lived in utter, disgusting filth.

Did she ever say "I'm sorry" for any of that - even the stuff she did with the kids? Nope. And she never will.

If you're wanting this, then you're wasting your time. I'm sorry, you probably deserve some closure, but it's not going to happen. After all, "closure" means that the other person recognizes that an injustice was done, and realizes that he or she has to change to make sure it never happens to the next person. And that brings the following question into stark relief: do BPDs change? The answer is: only if they're in therapy, and COMMITTED to it. Otherwise, the only thing they're committed to is getting whatever they need in any given moment, which can change from moment to moment. And that means that unless real change is happening with that person, then the attempt at "closure" is likely just another attempt to get something the disordered person needs from you at that moment. Once that need's filled, you'll be painted black once more.

You need to focus on being the best person YOU can be, believe that you ARE a good person, and let your BPDx do whatever.

This poor, sich person is no longer YOUR problem. You are.

There's no closure there, but there is freedom. Use it to rebuild yourself.

[Tater tot]

Closure requires moving on.  They don't want to move on.  They want to keep you dangling, so they can come back in case whatever theyre doing now fails.  If they give you closure, than they will of lost you.  And they don't want that.

You're like a teapot left on the backburner while she's using the front burners for something she thinks is more important.

This makes a lot of sense. At this point my final question is a simple yes or no, and I can't get any response from that, yet he responds to other things. It's like he wants me to walk away, but doesn't want to actually say it, because if he did, he couldn't then blame me for leaving. It's so messed up how they think and act... .and that we (I ) put up with it.

[Tater tot]

The response above sounds dead on. My ex and mother of my child and I were together 4 years had a great relationship and happy family until a silly fight a month ago broke us up. A week later she was in love with a new guy and didn't want anything to do with me , until she needed a ride or cigarettes or anything she could think of to make my jump to her rescue. We become friends again and just when I'm content with the breakup and happy I'm no longer painted black she's ignoring my calls and making me feel like total craps again.

Broken I'm sorry. I can't imagine having a spouse just walk away over a small fight. How are you doing?

[Tater tot]

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

I think healthy adults give each other closure after the r/s is done. I can relate with your post, I asked the same question. I'm really sorry 

It deeply hurts feelings when he suddenly treats you like you don't exist. He may or may not respond to a text or email. He wasn't like this before. It's like everything just stops.

You're dealing with a man that copes differently than you.

More accurately, runs away from his issues. He has maladaptive coping skills and doesn't seem phased. It does, he's entrenched in his own pain and trauma.

You can find closure for yourself.

Thank you Mutt. I needed to read this. He is different, and he isn't equipped with the coping skills that contribute to healthy relationships. Finding closure without closure is tough, but I guess it's the only option.

[Mutt]

I agree Tater tot it is tough when we have to give our own closure. I wish it were different  



Hang in there.

--Mutt

[Blimblam]

We want to know who we are.

"Those who look outside themselves dream, those who look within awaken."  -Carl JUng

[myself]

My ex also can't give herself or create real closure.

So how am I supposed to have some of what she doesn't have?

Her version of it is to take what we had and bury it alive.

The best I can do is walk away, myself. We're both moving on.

If she asked me for closure, I'd try, but might not be of much help.

What is it, anyway? Accepting your scars? Appreciating right now?

[drummerboy]

Same thing happened to me not long after we split and she went NC. I sent a really nice, loving email simply asking if she'd like to stay friends, no reply. I ended up giving myself closure when I realised the whole r/s was a fraud, that I'd "been had" deceived. Realising that I had been with someone with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. Realising that I had no idea who she was. I'll never know who she was because she has no idea.

[tired-of-it-all]

I think this is a significant part of the problem of partners of BPD's.  

I had several sessions with a very good counselor recently.  I discovered in those sessions that I spend my time trying to convince certain people that I am good and right and that they should appreciate me.  It was a light bulb moment for me.  I don't know why it was so hard for me to see.  What I realized from those sessions is that these people know that I am good and right.  They know it already.  They want to f**k with my head by pretending otherwise.  They do it by accusing me of things that are untrue.  They do it by criticizing things that I have accomplished that are actually good or are were done well.  I walked out of those sessions a different person.  I really don't care what my wife thinks of me anymore.  I don't spend any time on that issue with her.  Similarly with another important person in my life.  That person is important from a business standpoint but no longer from an emotional standpoint.  I know now that he knows better.  He is just a manipulative piece of ___ who wants to f**k with my head.  I don't let him anymore.  I don't care what he thinks.

This is a very powerful topic and my recent epiphany has resulted in significant change in my life.

[Mutt]

I really don't care what my wife thinks of me anymore.  I don't spend any time on that issue with her.

I found a quote tonight I'd like to share.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

C. G. Jung, was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist who founded analytical psychology.

By analyzing my exes behaviors and coming to terms with them I gained a better understanding of myself. Why did I have to prove that I was right? Why did I think by saying things louder I would heard?

She made me understand myself and what person I am and to become a better man.

Getting back on topic. Not getting closure from an emotionally immature partner is a common theme many of us on these boards share.

[peiper]

The closure I got was a restraining order for something I didn't do and mind games on FB about how great her life is with the new guy in Calf.

[Tater tot]

Well, I did get my closure. Not an explanation or an understanding about what happened, but the response from him I needed. In a string of messages yesterday I laid out how I felt and how although he wanted to be friends, everything that he did and has done over the past 4 months to hurt my feelings, but despite all that I still care about him. I asked for a simple YES or NO response. And then pushed him to not ignore me and respond. His response, he doesn't answer to me, I'm not his boss... .blah blah blah... .No acknowledgement of my feelings or the positive things I said about him. I pushed him into an emotional corner and he lashed out and finally responded that no he didn't care about me. I just needed to have him say it. I feel free, sad for him and sorry for him, but free.

[peiper]

Well, I did get my closure. Not an explanation or an understanding about what happened, but the response from him I needed. In a string of messages yesterday I laid out how I felt and how although he wanted to be friends, everything that he did and has done over the past 4 months to hurt my feelings, but despite all that I still care about him. I asked for a simple YES or NO response. And then pushed him to not ignore me and respond. His response, he doesn't answer to me, I'm not his boss... .blah blah blah... .No acknowledgement of my feelings or the positive things I said about him. I pushed him into an emotional corner and he lashed out and finally responded that no he didn't care about me. I just needed to have him say it. I feel free, sad for him and sorry for him, but free.

Boy I would love to get that much Tator .

[Tater tot]

Well, I did get my closure. Not an explanation or an understanding about what happened, but the response from him I needed. In a string of messages yesterday I laid out how I felt and how although he wanted to be friends, everything that he did and has done over the past 4 months to hurt my feelings, but despite all that I still care about him. I asked for a simple YES or NO response. And then pushed him to not ignore me and respond. His response, he doesn't answer to me, I'm not his boss... .blah blah blah... .No acknowledgement of my feelings or the positive things I said about him. I pushed him into an emotional corner and he lashed out and finally responded that no he didn't care about me. I just needed to have him say it. I feel free, sad for him and sorry for him, but free.

Boy I would love to get that much Tator .

It sucks, it's not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear Hope you find some closure or peace Peiper. It sounds like you've dealt with more than anyone should have too... .

[Boss302]

Why do we need that in order to move on. His little bit of "crumbs", i.e. response, isn't what I deserve. I know that. But I really just want to hear him say it?

I think healthy adults give each other closure after the r/s is done. I can relate with your post, I asked the same question. I'm really sorry 

It deeply hurts feelings when he suddenly treats you like you don't exist. He may or may not respond to a text or email. He wasn't like this before. It's like everything just stops.

You're dealing with a man that copes differently than you.

More accurately, runs away from his issues. He has maladaptive coping skills and doesn't seem phased. It does, he's entrenched in his own pain and trauma.

You can find closure for yourself.

Thank you Mutt. I needed to read this. He is different, and he isn't equipped with the coping skills that contribute to healthy relationships. Finding closure without closure is tough, but I guess it's the only option.

Agreed, and that's why I chose to focus not on closure, but on the fact that I'm now free. Her problems don't have to dictate my daily reality. That's my closure - I've gone on with my life.

[peiper]

Well, I did get my closure. Not an explanation or an understanding about what happened, but the response from him I needed. In a string of messages yesterday I laid out how I felt and how although he wanted to be friends, everything that he did and has done over the past 4 months to hurt my feelings, but despite all that I still care about him. I asked for a simple YES or NO response. And then pushed him to not ignore me and respond. His response, he doesn't answer to me, I'm not his boss... .blah blah blah... .No acknowledgement of my feelings or the positive things I said about him. I pushed him into an emotional corner and he lashed out and finally responded that no he didn't care about me. I just needed to have him say it. I feel free, sad for him and sorry for him, but free.

Boy I would love to get that much Tator .

It sucks, it's not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear Hope you find some closure or peace Peiper. It sounds like you've dealt with more than anyone should have too... .

Thank you so much Tator.