Has anyone gotten an invitation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After ending my relationship in June with my BPD ex ( I caught her cheating) she emailed me a few days later asking if we could be friends.  I have read a few postings here about them making this ridiculous request.  Are they that shallow and messed up in the head?  I see it as just another example of poor boundaries and lack of emapthy.  Can anyone provide more thought on this?

[VistaView]

After ending my relationship in June with my BPD ex ( I caught her cheating) she emailed me a few days later asking if we could be friends.  I have read a few postings here about them making this ridiculous request.  Are they that shallow and messed up in the head?  I see it as just another example of poor boundaries and lack of emapthy.  Can anyone provide more thought on this?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It is her way of saying she still wants you in her life - albeit your status is downgraded.  You may be upgraded later when your replacement is painted black.  Or she may need to triangulate the new supply straight away.  They are messed up people  No matter how much you may miss them just remain with NC and life improves.

[myself]

It's also, "I can't be that bad if you're still friends with me."

[VistaView]

@Confused... As soon as I read it and saw the phrase, "can we be friends", my first thought was she still wants to be connected to me in the slightest way. Then I laughed. I forgot to mention in my original post that I did not respond to her request.  I have been NC for a while and I know her like a book.  She will step it up and re engage me soon, as she has already driven by my home.  My birthday is the end of the week and I suspect she will use that as an opportunity to "check in". I could be wrong, but I doubt it!

[freedom33]

I think the question here is what do you have to gain by being friends with her? I hope you have real friends because she can not be yours or anyone's friend - particularly yours. Not to mention that she has abused you and cheated on you. Where is your ego bro? Just tell her to fck off - or worse... .ignore her. God, sometimes I feel so bad about people in this forum myself incl. in relation to how low we have valued ourselves to let them degrade us so much. How did we allow all this? Right now I am well into detachment and when I look back I can't believe some of the behaviours that I tolerated.

[VistaView]

@Freedom... My post below yours says I did not respond to her request to be friends. But on your other point, I have spent some time examining myself and how low I sank in the self esteem department while I was with her.  I clearly remember during arguments, how she would degrade me by calling names, projecting, questioning my sexuality ( I am straight as an arrow) just overall verbal abuse.

Our arguments went on literally for hours. Since I have been on this board, the similar experiences shared by all have left me speechless.  I spent a lot of time (7 years) with someone whom I knew something was "off", but I knew nothing about BPD and this site has given me so much information that I would never have gotten thru the break up without it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Are they that shallow and messed up in the head?

A personality disorder could be considered messed up in the head.  Think about attachments: a borderline is looking for someone to 'complete' them, to merge with, to create one self, since they don't have a fully formed one of their own.  So a borderline will attach to someone psychically, and if they get too close they feel engulfed, lose themselves, and if they get too far away they feel abandoned, with the only contentment being short lived and on the fence between engulfment and abandonment.  That's the challenge of creating one self from two people; where do you draw the line?  Of course all of that is subconscious and just shows up in feelings and then behaviors.

So give yourself some credit, she likes you, or more accurately thinks you can be useful; borderlines are need driven, constantly trying to manage emotions that are too strong, so they use other people.  Having a 'friendship' with you is an attempt to keep you close but not too close, to straddle that line between engulfment and abandonment, and might come with statements like 'I love you very much, but not in that way'.  And as myself says, if you accept the invitation, you inadvertently alleviate the guilt and then shame she feels over whatever she did to you.

So there you go.  Someone who's in constant pain and trying to deal with it by using other people.  You would have some sympathy for her if she was lying in a hospital bed dying and being rude and mean, but walking around pulling that sht, along with the need to control, the manipulation, the unpredictability, who would want to be friends with that?  But it was a pretty good fiction to begin with wasn't it?  Gotta give em credit, pain so extreme they're motivated to become whoever they need to be to capture you, and then we type to each other here, sharing stories of how hard it is to get the hooks out, they got barbs.

Take care of you!

[VistaView]

@Heel... Thanks for your clarity.  I have been reading on this board until my eyes hurt and this BPD stuff is still complicated.  She is exactly everything I have learned here and I truly feel sorry for her and the life she is left with.  All this attachment, engulfing, projecting, no sense of self, shame, guilt and so on is too much for anyone to have to deal with.  What a terrible existence. But I do believe, above all else, is that they know they are wrong for cheating. That action is a choice that most of us have indulged in and we knew full well what we were doing.  It is an act of selfishness, BPD or not. 

[fromheeltoheal]

But I do believe, above all else, is that they know they are wrong for cheating. That action is a choice that most of us have indulged in and we knew full well what we were doing.  It is an act of selfishness, BPD or not.

A trait of the disorder is impulsive behavior, which can take a lot of forms, sexual promiscuity being one of them.  Think of the motivation: a borderline feels some emotions that are painful and they can't deal with it, so they go screw someone to feel better, which feels good in the moment, alleviates the emotions, but then results in guilt and then shame, they've done something impulsively that they now regret, so now they've got more emotions to deal with, so more impulsive behavior, and on and on.  You're right, shtty existence.

And need driven people in pain will act selfishly, including us.  In fact, we entered the relationship for our own selfish reasons probably, because she was a hottie and we wanted that, because we were lonely and didn't want that; purely selfless behavior doesn't exist, except for maybe Mother Teresa.

So it's important now to take back our power, which most of us give away in these relationships.  In fact, a borderline has to be in control of the relationship to give it any semblance of sustainablity, and we may relinquish control to keep it together.  Time to get very selfish as we take our power back, not a bad thing, since we need to get our own act together to have something to give the next lucky girl, a healthy one.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

I'd like to add. Her coping skills are different. She doesn't realize how out of place her actions are. She may also be confused as to why you're not friends.

From my personal experience my ex recently was trying to plan things as if we're friends through a boy scouts event with S6. She said it's been 2 years and you're not over it? It's invalidating. I may be able to be at a BBQ in 10 years time but for now we're not friends, no.

She doesn't understand how I cope. An example would be I grieve whereas she copes with grief in another relationship.

It's impulsiveness as heeltoheal says, lack of judgment, objectification and inability to truly understand other's needs.

[Infern0]

I was offered better than just friends.

I was offered "let's be friends and get back together later"

Wonder if my replacement would be keen on that deal.

[Penumbra66]

I was offered better than just friends.

I was offered "let's be friends and get back together later"

Wonder if my replacement would be keen on that deal.

Yes. My ex gf told me that she would be open to getting back together at some point if "we are both still interested." Which is insane. They truly seem to think that being in a relationship is like choosing their wardrobe for the day, as though we can be tried on, dropped on the floor, and then worn again some other time.

Borderlines bring nothing but grief, confusion, and utter destruction to relationships. And after sexual and emotional betrayal and abandonment, they offer friendship?

Our recycles were very rapid--every week or so for about a month--as she was deciding between me and my replacement. All the while she's telling me how much she loved me. During the back and forth, she sent me a song with this chorus:

What do you want me to do, to do for you, to see you through

A box of rain, will ease the pain, and love will see you through

Right before she sent a link to the song, she was with my replacement! I was laying in bed trying to make sense of it all. This didn't seem like the type of song you sent to someone you had just abandoned. It made no sense. Apparently she offered "emotional support" to her friends. Including me, the one she had just betrayed. The terrible confusion of it all--it still makes me sick to think about this.

The last weeks of our relationship were total chaos. The puzzling thing was that she never seemed to split me black, was never overtly mean or critical of my character. In fact, she told me that I was the "kindest and gentlest person" she ever knew. Loved me "like family." But her loyalties kept shifting, and I never knew where I stood. Her words and actions were totally contradictory.

Friendship? No thanks. Anyone that unconcerned with your mental and emotional health will certainly continue to do more damage.

[Infern0]

Yeah I kind of got that weird interchangeable vibe too.

She was talking about her replacement RS (and still does tbh) like it's a temporary thing.

She was saying that "With you I'd want to be with you forever,  I'd want you to be the father of my children,  but it's just not time yet"

And in the meantime I actually DEFENDED my replacement,  I was like this really isn't fair on him either you know.

It did take her a LONG time to split me,  but even then the rages were pure projection on her part.  There wasn't really anything in the emails that was cutting,  she didn't take any personal stabs at me just accused me of ridiculous stuff that didn't make any sense.

And after that she split me back to white after about 4 days.

It's odd because I KNOW she's taken personal stabs at my replacement.  But she didn't with me.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense,  but I honestly think deep down she knew I was a good guy and that she was making a mistake but couldn't beat the disorder.  Maybe I'm seeking validation but that's just how I see it.

[anxiety5]

Mine said "Let me have a chance with you later" I said, you mean if it doesn't work out with me and someone else? She said "No, like physically"

I turned to her and said... I have never cheated on you. Nor would I. I don't know if I will get married or if I even ever want to. I certainly don't know who that person is, but let me be as clear as possible. I may not know her, but I will tell you right now, that I would never do that to her so forget about that ever happening.

BOOM.

You want validation? Make your parting shot be the realization that she is a classless low life home wrecking impulsive scum bag, and you have integrity. Not only is this the ultimate ego killer to her grandiosity, it validates all the accusations they make about you along the way. Proving you really weren't a bad guy. If you say yes to this, she will never trust you and assume you did the same to her with your ex.

It's a game people. Stop playing. I'm doing that now. It's hard but hell with it. She isn't in control anymore.

[Chunk Palumbo]

It's also, "I can't be that bad if you're still friends with me."

Yes. Repairing a relationship with someone they've wronged is about making themselves feel better.

[going places]

After ending my relationship in June with my BPD ex ( I caught her cheating) she emailed me a few days later asking if we could be friends.  I have read a few postings here about them making this ridiculous request.  Are they that shallow and messed up in the head?  I see it as just another example of poor boundaries and lack of emapthy.  Can anyone provide more thought on this?

My exhusband thought we could continue living together until the house sold.

He thought we could just carry on like 'friends' chatting on the phone and hanging out together.

He thought he could ask me for advice on how he could get his own cell plan started.

He thought because his parents are screwed up (divorced, dad cheating on mom w younger woman, marries that younger woman, mom moves in w dad's best friends, marries him decades later).

They hang out as 'couples' having dinner together, sharing a common hobby together... .

It's so screwed up.

I told him I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I AM YOUR EX WIFE.

I will NOT fake it like your mom does... .Our divorce will be NOTHING LIKE your parents divorce.

YOU WILL NOT live here.

HELLO WE ARE NOT FRIENDS... .

Honestly? It came as a shock to him.

Why?

Because he thought he had his hooks so deep in me I would take him any way I could get him.

WRONG BUSTER.

He has 'cake and eat it to' syndrome.

AND as long as people tolerate and accept his EVIL behavior, he will continue to behave that way... .

It's the old "give the an inch and they will take a mile"... .let me tell you... .he would wrap it around the earth 8 times!

[fromheeltoheal]

It's also, "I can't be that bad if you're still friends with me."

Yes. Repairing a relationship with someone they've wronged is about making themselves feel better.

Yep, in fact the entire relationship was about a borderline making themselves feel better; borderlines are need driven and in search of getting those needs met, by using other people.  Aren't we all, to an extent, but there are extremes.

[VistaView]

@Heel... Had a talk with a friend last night who knows nothing about BPD and he says to me she doesn't like the fact that I have taken away her power by going NC. He also told me to be careful regarding reengagement. He all but guaranteed me she would be coming back but in a way to try and cause harm. I was amazed at his analysis of my situation as if  he read her straight from a book. I have also read at least 100 postings or more from the archives on this board and my understanding of this illness is very very clear. The impulsiveness, lies, cheating, etc. I will never forget my experience with a person with BPD.

[fromheeltoheal]

I will never forget my experience with a person with BPD.

Me either, we don't have to forget, in fact there are lessons there, but it's a good idea to look for some compassion for our exes, anger and hate just eats us up.  Also, try and start to see your ex as a sick person, not a bad, evil, or malicious one; some of the behaviors may seem that way, with the projection, gaslighting and all, but look under it and try to see why she does what she does.  There's a lot of emotional energy between us and our exes during and after the relationship, we become triggers for each other, and best to let that settle and shift your focus elsewhere, to heal and get on with your life for one, but also because you will never be able to compete with someone who's gotten good at prevailing through pain, you'll never be able to compete with a mental illness.  Take care of you!

[VistaView]

Heel... One question. How am I a trigger for her? I am triggered by her thinking back on all of the dysfunction that I tolerated.

[Mr Hollande]

I have said this before and to some disagreement with others but I will never forgive my ex. My hatred for her is eternal. Acceptance yes, compassion never! I am OK with that.

[VistaView]

I will forgive her eventually... .but not now

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel... One question. How am I a trigger for her? I am triggered by her thinking back on all of the dysfunction that I tolerated.

A borderline is triggered by intimacy.  That happens because borderlines are looking for attachments, someone to merge with psychically to make them whole, to complete them.  Problem with that is the closer a borderline gets the more engulfed they feel, like they will lose themselves, and the farther away the more abandoned they feel, with the only contentment being on the unsustainable fence between the two.  Think about it: when two people merge to make one 'self', where do you draw the line between the two?

That is all very deep psychological stuff, unconscious to the borderline, they just respond to the feelings generated, but the bottom line is intimacy is not sustainable for borderlines, and the closer you get, or try to get, the more triggered they get because of the above.

[Hawk Ridge]

The invitation is confusing

[fromheeltoheal]

I have said this before and to some disagreement with others but I will never forgive my ex. My hatred for her is eternal. Acceptance yes, compassion never! I am OK with that.

You don't need to forgive her, in fact go for revenge, and the best revenge is success, a life well lived.  Once we heal from the experience, move on with our lives, start relationships, significant and otherwise, with healthier people, the borderline will fade into the past, at which point, long after the emotional energy of the situation has dissipated, you might end up seeing them as sick people and not bad ones and get a sense of the pain they're in from an objective, detached place and who knows, compassion just might show up, which is an appropriate response at that point.

[Mr Hollande]

One of the consequences of her acting like a retard means she lost access to my world. She's banned from hanging with me and my friends forever and I am fun to be with so it's her loss. I doubt my drug dealing loser replacement spontaneously invites her to free weekends in various European capitals. Or the time spent together holed up in rented cottages in the countryside, road trips through Europe, back stage passes at gigs by friends passing through town or just the quiet tranquil moments in my house where we'd cook, f#ck, enjoy long walks and go to the pub together. My lifestyle is great and I am no irresponsible rocknroll idiot with substance issues or anything like that. I have a pillar of the community job which gives a decent salary and lots of time off. Years of being sensible with money is about to result in investments that will lead to plenty of money and a retirement at 50. She ditched that for a low level drug dealer? That makes her a retard and retards can't hang with me.

Invitations? Sure I've had them, of sorts, and I'm not interested. Coming out of a 5 year thick FOG I'm realising there are enough healthy, attractive and intelligent women who are ever so happy to take her place. Whatever she has or had to "offer" she can poke it.

[Mr Hollande]

I have said this before and to some disagreement with others but I will never forgive my ex. My hatred for her is eternal. Acceptance yes, compassion never! I am OK with that.

You don't need to forgive her, in fact go for revenge, and the best revenge is success, a life well lived.  Once we heal from the experience, move on with our lives, start relationships, significant and otherwise, with healthier people, the borderline will fade into the past, at which point, long after the emotional energy of the situation has dissipated, you might end up seeing them as sick people and not bad ones and get a sense of the pain they're in from an objective, detached place and who knows, compassion just might show up, which is an appropriate response at that point.

Thank you. The life well lived revenge is one I like. I can do that. Actually it will happen regardless. In ten years she's 60. Still sick, still in debt, still alcoholic and an outer ugliness to match her inner ugliness. I'll be retired and enjoying a chilled out life. With someone else or by myself but either way not with her. She's out.

[Deeno02]

Mine didnt cheat on me, just gradually split me black until the final straw. I highly doubt i will be recycled,  i pray for NC and hope to maintain it, ive been replaced shortly after being dumped and she is his problem. Hope to keep it that way. I pray to keep it that way. Cant take anymore pain.

[VistaView]

Heel... No faster than I typed my last response to you, she shows up at my door for a re engagement. Needless to say it did not go well for her. She showed up with gifts begging me to give her friendship and unblock her from email and telephone. I emphatically said no. I went on to unload on her and tell her how disgusting I think her actions are, running from man to man, all of which she naturally denies. I also told her she needs to be honest for once in her life and let my replacement know she is reaching out to me. Of course she denies his existence also. I have not spoken to her in nearly 4 months and she has let me know that strict NC on my part is killing her. I plan to maintain my stance as I know she will return to try again since she was unsuccessful this time.  Your thoughts are appreciated.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel... No faster than I typed my last response to you, she shows up at my door for a re engagement. Needless to say it did not go well for her. She showed up with gifts begging me to give her friendship and unblock her from email and telephone. I emphatically said no. I went on to unload on her and tell her how disgusting I think her actions are, running from man to man, all of which she naturally denies. I also told her she needs to be honest for once in her life and let my replacement know she is reaching out to me. Of course she denies his existence also. I have not spoken to her in nearly 4 months and she has let me know that strict NC on my part is killing her. I plan to maintain my stance as I know she will return to try again since she was unsuccessful this time.  Your thoughts are appreciated.

This is a tough part, but you sound strong.  The main thing is decide what you want, and if you don't want to be with her, don't be.  Try not to unload on her anymore either; any time you show emotion to a borderline, good or bad, it's interpreted as an attachment still in place, which is the main focus, and she won't stop trying.  Best to not communicate at all, but if she shows up, act bored, unemotional, disinterested.  Once she gets it that an attachment is no longer in place, she'll run off to the next shiny object; some expert acting may be required on your part if you do still have strong feelings, but do what you gotta do.  It's much easier to change ourselves and who we hang out with than it is to change someone else.  Take care of you!