When did you realize something was wrong?

[Tater tot]

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Red Dove, I'd be curious to see how many of our exes were cheated on by "every one" of their exes- probably every ex, of everyone on this board. I know mine was, or so he said.

Maybe you should start this thread!  I can attest that mine told me within the first month that all his exes had cheated on him... .which became his excuse for his suspicious jealousy... .and stupid me I figured that I would just be open and loving and he would see I was trustworthy and everything would be just fine! 

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker

[clydegriffith]

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Red Dove, I'd be curious to see how many of our exes were cheated on by "every one" of their exes- probably every ex, of everyone on this board. I know mine was, or so he said.

Maybe you should start this thread!  I can attest that mine told me within the first month that all his exes had cheated on him... .which became his excuse for his suspicious jealousy... .and stupid me I figured that I would just be open and loving and he would see I was trustworthy and everything would be just fine! 

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker

The BPDx also calimed she had been wronged by all her Xs. Her former husband supposedly beat her, the boyfriend she had before that cheated on her with her cousin, etc. All lies. She went as far as to fabricate some BS about her being the way she is because she was raped in High School by one of her classmates. I do not believe that either.

[Pingo]

The BPDx also calimed she had been wronged by all her Xs. Her former husband supposedly beat her, the boyfriend she had before that cheated on her with her cousin, etc. All lies. She went as far as to fabricate some BS about her being the way she is because she was raped in High School by one of her classmates. I do not believe that either.

Yeah I have to wonder if there is any truth to any of the cheating mine said all his exes did to him... .because frankly I was terrified of the consequences if I should ever cheat (not that I was tempted at any point).  I always felt he'd be capable of violence or kill me if I ever cheated.  Can't imagine these other women wouldn't have thought similar things.  And for him to not have sought vengeance in ALL these wrongdoings?  Doubtful.  Makes me wonder what he's saying about me to everyone

[OV-105]

It was fairly early on, but I chalked it up to "one of those things".  She needed me to do some video work for a client of hers.  It took several tries to schedule a day with the client, and with each new turn and twist she would call or email, increasingly agitated.  She finally found a day that worked for her and the client - a day I was already booked, so when we next spoke, I told her that it might have been a good idea to check with me first... .  You'd have thought I had slapped her in the face.  "I'm just crushed," she said.  I spent the next several hours trying to make amends.  But that incident stuck in my mind long after things started to fall apart in more obvious ways - being taken off the pedestal, having her get snarky about lots of things, and the beginning of an ever-increasing cycle of push/pull. 

I can look back now and spot where thing went wrong, and then wrong again, almost to the day.  But I'd never even heard of BPD and had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and how these people can turn our self-esteem and self image completely inside out, and have us questioning our own sanity. 

And no, I'm still not over her.  Recovering, enlightened, sadder and wiser... .but not totally over her. 

[SickofMe]

WOW!  All of my x's exes cheated on him, too!   

Wonder if it's because he didn't ever want to have sex... .like, ever.

[SickofMe]

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker smiley

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I hope it's okay, this made me LOL.  Gallows humor.

[Blimblam]

The film Rashoman is 1 story from 4 perspectives. The observer sees all.

When did you realize something was wrong?

When did I realize something was wrong?

Wrong was something. Realize you did. When?

Wrong was something. Realize I did. When?

Yin yang

[Tater tot]

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker smiley

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I hope it's okay, this made me LOL.  Gallows humor.

Oh I can totally laugh at the absurdity of it all now... .What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in some of his previous relationship. Especially with the one the supposedly stabbed him in the leg with a screwdriver

[anxiety5]

I realized immediately when she wanted to see me all the time. Like, every day. I'd pay 1000.00 to be the me of then, now. I would blow her off, and didn't care.

One of the blessings is having a mac and iMessage archives to my computer. I have gig's of text messages archived by day automatically. This was one of the drivers to make me break things off in the end (which was literally 48 hours ago) I see it now. Reading those old messages. The ego centric nature of our "conversation" Every part of the conversation had to do with extracting affirmation. Plus the laughable (to me now) things she said to me that made me feel so good. I do 100x more for her a year later than I did obviously as a perfect stranger yet she treated me better then. I can honestly say my tone is pretty much the same then as it was now. I see the times she started pulling away. I see the days the texts stopped coming back to me (probably cheated on me those nights) I see her get agitated more over time. I see her sexuality begin to subside. I see how the things I told her where met with equally loving replies began to go unresponsive or "thanks for saying this stuff to me" I can see the desperation in me as I try to figure out why she's so upset with me. I have an archive of our relationship for reading at all times. It's helpful but also sad. I know I need to love myself more and better. I read the texts from me in those early month(s) and can recall the feeling of absolute joy I had. I feel terrible for that person, the former me. Did I stay in too long? Yes. Does that mean I'm not a victim? Yes, I can accept the fact I made choices. Does it make it hurt any less? No. I can honestly say, my intentions were the best. I saw a future with her. She was the one for me. She made me feel alive and that all those cliches about eternal bliss could be real. Even in the end, even today if she really needed me critically, I would be there for her. I loved her. And part of me always will. But it's not so much her, as much as the idea of who she presented herself as. I really feel the turmoil these people put you through is worse than any physical pain possible. It's invisible. It's omnipresent. You not only feel pain, it's unidentifiable to where it comes from therefore there is no way to treat it. A gaping wound that can reopen at the sound of a song, driving by the place we first met, it lingers on with you.

[camuse]

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Red Dove, I'd be curious to see how many of our exes were cheated on by "every one" of their exes- probably every ex, of everyone on this board. I know mine was, or so he said.

Maybe you should start this thread!  I can attest that mine told me within the first month that all his exes had cheated on him... .which became his excuse for his suspicious jealousy... .and stupid me I figured that I would just be open and loving and he would see I was trustworthy and everything would be just fine! 

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker

Well mine had a terribly sad story - she was abused by a boyfriend, and another man came along and saved her, took her to another city and away from all that abuse. But this man changed, he started to abuse her too! He hated her, and she had to be saved by another guy, who took her away again to another new city! The old guy tried to get revenge, for no reason - she didn't do anything to him  , but you know - this latest guy, he turned out to be an abuser too! Such a sad story.

I remember feeling so sorry for her falling into the hands of all these abusers. Of course, now I see she didn't include the terrible things she almost certainly did to these guys - and the fact they probably didn't abuse her at all. Now someone will be hearing the same about me, how I abused her and she had to be saved. ANd that guy will feel sad for her ... .until he is the latest "abuser" she tells the next one about. and the next, and the next, and the next... .

[camuse]

Okay, we are up to three people in less than 5 minutes. I'd also be curious to see if this more common in men wBPD or females? I know it certainly tugged about my heartstrings that he was wronged by so many females in the past and I could show him what true love and commitment really looked like... .yep, hook, line and sinker

Well mine had a terribly sad story - she was abused by a boyfriend, and another man came along and saved her, took her to another city and away from all that abuse. But this man changed, he started to abuse her too! He hated her, and she had to be saved by another guy, who took her away again to another new city! The old guy tried to get revenge, for no reason - she didn't do anything to him  , but you know - this latest guy, he turned out to be an abuser too! Such a sad story.

I remember feeling so sorry for her falling into the hands of all these abusers. Of course, now I see she didn't include the terrible things she almost certainly did to these guys - and the fact they probably didn't abuse her at all. Now someone will be hearing the same about me, how I abused her and she had to be saved. ANd that guy will feel sad for her ... .until he is the latest "abuser" she tells the next one about. and the next, and the next, and the next... .


Looking back, the stories didn't quite add up - for example, in one case he cheated on her, then to hurt her told someone about his replacement - but how would he have known about him unless she had "overlapped" the relationships. All total lies.

[borderdude]

Do you guys remember if you were warned in your dreams before you really got it?

=====================================

Yes I was ... .

The dream was strange did not understand it at first

Me and my BPD ex was sitting on a bed , in other side of the room , a unknown person sat and spoke with us. This person seemed nice , I got the impression he suffered from alcohol problems that's all.

Later on I understood the dream, that person tried to warn about this RS. After this I was a little more aware about red flags.


A friend of mine , been in RS 15+ years of BPD misery , he is sitting drinking every day , cannot forget her , still tries to save her, but he cannot save even himself.

[antonio1213]

I knew there was something corky within the first month of talking to her. She told me she was very impulsive, talked like she had no remorse or empathy for things she had done to people. Ex) she went up to this guy and told him his sister was ugly and didn't really think anything was wrong with it. And she said she didn't do relationships well. In fact our first date was I picked her up and we went to a party, she danced with some guys when I wasn't there. Though in her defense we weren't really dating but we liked each other.

The fog lifted about 3 months in, she told me she had impulses to break up with me all the time and blamed things on me, her anger and bitterness really started to come out. It is amazing I got her to move in with me and we dated for 2.5 years. Don't know how I did it... .

[Blimblam]

Do you guys remember if you were warned in your dreams before you really got it?

=====================================

Yes I was ... .

The dream was strange did not understand it at first

Me and my BPD ex was sitting on a bed , in other side of the room , a unknown person sat and spoke with us. This person seemed nice , I got the impression he suffered from alcohol problems that's all.

Later on I understood the dream, that person tried to warn about this RS. After this I was a little more aware about red flags.


A friend of mine , been in RS 15+ years of BPD misery , he is sitting drinking every day , cannot forget her , still tries to save her, but he cannot save even himself.

Interesting I've had reoccurring dreams my entire life of chasing or being chased. When I met my ex i started having dream of my ex in an angelic light telling me she had been waiting for me. She would sort of open her arms and become pure light that sort of embraced me in a sort of reentering the womb feeling. Then I become 1 with the light

[borderdude]

Do you guys remember if you were warned in your dreams before you really got it?

=====================================

Yes I was ... .

The dream was strange did not understand it at first

Me and my BPD ex was sitting on a bed , in other side of the room , a unknown person sat and spoke with us. This person seemed nice , I got the impression he suffered from alcohol problems that's all.

Later on I understood the dream, that person tried to warn about this RS. After this I was a little more aware about red flags.


A friend of mine , been in RS 15+ years of BPD misery , he is sitting drinking every day , cannot forget her , still tries to save her, but he cannot save even himself.

Interesting I've had reoccurring dreams my entire life of chasing or being chased. When I met my ex i started having dream of my ex in an angelic light telling me she had been waiting for me. She would sort of open her arms and become pure light that sort of embraced me in a sort of reentering the womb feeling. Then I become 1 with the light

I have a history , had several phsycic experiences, still got dreams about future true events, I usually read people very good. I told my BPD ex early on, that I saw a child inside her afraid of being abandoned. She became supriced, and I was right , more than I realized after figuring out later on her BPD and arrested mental development.


Anyway you do not have to phycic to being able detect people with BPD, just avoid getting blinded by their idealizing, manipulative behavour. I think ppl should live toghether some months continously before  making a serious rs out of it.

I detected a range of red lights, but still I was blinded, still wish her to change and get back to me, and this is still a fantacy and codependent behaviour.


That dream I mentioned , I believe that person trying to warn was in fact myself, only I had developed alcohol related problems, atmleast this is my closest match, anyway that dream helped me detect red lights.

[Raybo48]

Pretty much the first date... .I knew she was off for sure.  It didn't help that I determined she was drunk when I got to her house for dinner.  Aside from that it was all just very odd.  She was texting her friend when I was there that she was "undecided" about me, even showed me the text.  She always had a strange habit of me sitting there eating and she would walk around and not sit down and eat.  I know none of this is what you'd call BPD behavior, but I could tell things were not right... .Then on the second date we went mini golfing and I jokingly said the girl that rented us the clubs was flirting with me so we didn't have to pay... .That's when I got the typical BPD EXTREME jealousy... .Not just for that evening, but she talked about it for DAYS and accused  me of wanting to F*** her... Then I knew I had a dysfunctional person on my hands... .After that there were more and more signs... .Insert anywhere in this post 'get in car and leave'! I should have bc all the signs were there very early on.

[camuse]

Just thought I'd share a story of a very early red flag.

My ex was telling me about how, when she was 15, a friend of a friend told her she was about to go and kill herself.

My ex talked her out of it, spent ages persuading her not to do it.

I thought, that's very kind and empathetic of her

then she said "Yeah, I did it because I didn't want to be the last person she spoke to - that would have really upset me. I didn't give a **** about her, but didn't want anything to mess me up at an early age."

:D  ALL ABOUT THEM.

[Deeno02]

Just thought I'd share a story of a very early red flag.

My ex was telling me about how, when she was 15, a friend of a friend told her she was about to go and kill herself.

My ex talked her out of it, spent ages persuading her not to do it.

I thought, that's very kind and empathetic of her

then she said "Yeah, I did it because I didn't want to be the last person she spoke to - that would have really upset me. I didn't give a **** about her, but didn't want anything to mess me up at an early age."

:D  ALL ABOUT THEM.

Lets see: 1. Mommy, Daddy, Sister issues

              2. Spent 5 years with a drunk while in college

              3. Stalked her ex on FB and instagram while with me, probably still does

              4. Non stop talk on how great an athlete she was

              5. Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety

              6. How she built her husband and now he goes and abandons her and the kids

              7. Had 5 kids, stay at home mom.

I dont know, I was so wrapped up in it I repressed bad stuff I knew was dingy, but I had no idea what BPD was until after I was dropped. Now since removed, I see stuff that was so odd. Wish I could have found this out earlier... .