When did you realize something was wrong?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

In retrospect, the very first instance that i recall being taken off the pedestal so to speak was when the BPDx all of a sudden became very upset with get this, my driving habits. All of a sudden she claimed that i drive to slow and/or braked too hard and she seemed really angry about it. Mind you i had driven places with her many times before so i was a bit flabergasted to say the least. It was all down hill from there. A couple of other compleltey irrational violent rages on her part stemmed from being unhappy with how i bagged the groceries one time and also from me driving a friend of mine somewhere as a favor after he had helped us move. I should have gone out sooner but she trapped me with a baby and i felt obligated to her and was trying to do the right thing. How i wish i hadn't.

[clydegriffith]

In retrospect, the very first instance that i recall being taken off the pedestal so to speak was when the BPDx all of a sudden became very upset with get this, my driving habits. All of a sudden she claimed that i drive to slow and/or braked too hard and she seemed really angry about it. Mind you i had driven places with her many times before so i was a bit flabergasted to say the least. It was all down hill from there. A couple of other compleltey irrational violent rages on her part stemmed from being unhappy with how i bagged the groceries one time and also from me driving a friend of mine somewhere as a favor after he had helped us move. I should have gone out sooner but she trapped me with a baby and i felt obligated to her and was trying to do the right thing. How i wish i hadn't.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Funny enough my ex started on me for the same thing - my driving was to abrupt, stop and start etc.  She is the only one that ever complained about my driving.  She could lose it over anything.  I would drive to her place after work.  On a good day she would be calm.  But it was always a 50/50 thing and I was never the sort to put up with nonsense and often would leave as soon as I arrived.  She would rage over the silliest of things.  I sent a link once to a small people mover for sale - it was obviously below her standards and I had insulted her.  The vehicle was actually a sound one and good value.  The evening was blasted away just over that.  Thank goodness it is now over.

[Bak86]

4th date. I was asking where it was going... .She told me she wanted to take everything slow. Bad history with men, had to perform sexual acts against her will etc. Told me it could take a long time before we could have sex and she couldn't promise we would ever have sex. It was a HUGE red flag, friends told me to bail, but i simply liked her so much i would think we would have a future. Should've listened to my friends and my gut.  

[AlwaysForgiving]

I was friends with my exBPD for 10 YEARS before we got into a relationship together and never suspected anything. I picked up that she was a little flaky or ditzy but nothing too out of the ordinary.

When we got romantically involved, it took me about 1-2 months to realize something was "wrong." We were both going through divorces at the time and it was a very stressful time for both of us, but she kept breaking up and getting back with me or break down and sob out of the blue. Even though it was a hard time, I knew that this behavior wasn't normal... .even under the circumstances.

She kept this behavior up (plus throw in occasional rage fits) for the next 2 years while we were "together."

[outside9x]

Well, after being married 34 years, I didn't really know too much what to expect out there, yeah my luck get hooked up with this smoking hot girl.  She came on strong and very sexually too, like, is that a bad thing.  Not really. I ate it up.  I did everything I could for her.

But I really started to notice is when she told me she been engaged 4 times, married three (she was 58 at the time) but that didn't bother me a whole lot, But then after a month , I found she had no family.  She didn't want to be with any of her sisters (3 of them) her brother, hated her Dad, and mom had many mental problems according to her, and only seen her maybe twice a year and that was a big deal to her.  :)Idn't associated with any aunts uncles or cousins, in fact she told me they act mean to her, and basically they are all either Yahoos, or jealous of her.  

Then the one friend she did have, someone very mild and meek, she was (my exBPD) smoking hot only friend in the world  (smoking hot and pay for it with many surgeries)  raged at her , over her choosing a lawyer for her house closing because she didn't like him because that was her divorce attorney and she felt he screw her.  Believe me, she never ever walks away poor.  

Also some fits, and multiple pills, crazy bizarre stories and drinking, smoking, and pill popping.  Yeah, beeep, beep, drove by all of those, until the sh$t fell all over me.   DoaH!

[Fluff]

Subconsciously(looking at my dream themes) about 2-3 months in, consciously a couple of weeks after the "breakup" as the fog started lifting.

Do you guys remember if you were warned in your dreams before you really got it?

OT, Speaking of dreams, I rarely remember my dreams but a couple of days ago I remembered one and I told my therapist about it and he analyzed it. I can't believe I didn't see it myself. The dream ended with me standing on the shore looking out at a big horizon. In front of me was an impossibly long cargo ship. My T told me, it seems you're about to leave this behind you, on a cargo ship. You're carrying a lot. I smiled. I knew it was true.

[Zeo500]

On the 2nd date when she told me that sometimes on 1st dates with men she would "bolt out" in the middle of the date, leaving the man trailing behind her asking "What's wrong?"  because the man would either answer/or check their texts messages or mention an ex.

Even more when I said something once that bothered her (which was rather minor), instead of talking about it with me she sends me a text saying " I don't want to see you anymore.  You are not my type."   The next morning I called her and she had a rage attack.

I let it go but I knew the relationship was done.  And things were never the same.

[Isa_lala]

after his first rage outburst (5 months after we started dating) on the phone because I asked a good friend (male friend) to babysit my boy when I was attending a diner at night with my colleagues, instead of asking him to take care of my son... .since then, it has been followed by many fits of anger or rage outburst for things that appeared to me as very insignificant.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

When I met her she was a damsel in distress.  She had just ventured off and finally rented a place of her own.  I found it to be very noble of her.  As the friendship unfolded and we delved deeper into each others history she painted a heartbreaking picture of her life.  I was inspired by her, interested, and emotionally distraught myself.

     We hit it off and things moved quickly.  It wasn't until 8-9 months where I questioned things.  She would do things that made no sense.  It could be as simple as telling me that she vacuumed the carpet when she obviously hadn't.  I really didn't think much of the white lies.  I chalked it up to her being "silly".  When I noticed she was texting with an EX... .I felt like that was the first breach of trust. Foolishly I looked past it and kept on moving.  As our relationship went on there were white lies, awkward situations, but I just kept telling myself she'll grow out of it.  It will change.  If I can just show her how much I love her and how special she is... .I won't let her self destruct.

     She suffered from depression but she was taking meds for it.  Prior to this situation I never realized how serious illnesses could be.  Call me what you want but I was utterly clueless.  Towards the end of our relationship red flags had been popping up more frequently and I found myself running dry with patience.  I felt as if I were in a relationship with myself.  No matter how often I told her I needed to feel like she was going to pull her weight, no matter how many times I asked her Why she did ____ knowing it would hurt me, I chose to hang in there.  I genuinely believed things would iron themselves out if I just kept trying.

      3 years later and she hauled $$ out of state and I'm left here with my heart in my hands.  I'm still scratching my head asking myself, "How the hell did I think this was normal".  Odd as it may seem our relationship wasn't on the rocks.  We weren't fighting.  I was mentally exhausted but I wasn't ready to hang my hat up.  I probably never would have because I believed in her.  I believed in us.  How messed up is it that a small part of me... .still does?  Reading these boards and doing my own research seems bittersweet.  While it definitely connects all the dots, in all honesty it cuts a little deeper.  It makes me realize how broken my relationship truly was when all the while I thought we had a fighting chance.  She truly had me fooled but I think the harder truth is, I had fooled myself.

[gentquality]

great question.  It wasn't one thing that happened.  It was many, I realized that every emotion she was feeling (stemming from her insecurities) were directly all blamed at me.  How I "made her feel" like this and that.  She had a huge sense of entitlement where she felt like she deserved all of my free time, all of my discretionary income and if I didn't it meant I didn't love her.  Basically she was extremely emotionally immature, and often times she would say wow you're the best and you love me so much! the next day she would say you don't love me and etc. 

Come to find out her mother is the SAME person as her.  Often times her mother calls her 10-15 times a day when I'm with her.  And if she doesn't pick up it's followed by nasty text messages saying "if you don't pick up again, I'll kill myself"

I ran far far away.

[clydegriffith]

When I met her she was a damsel in distress.  She had just ventured off and finally rented a place of her own.  I found it to be very noble of her.  As the friendship unfolded and we delved deeper into each others history she painted a heartbreaking picture of her life.   I was inspired by her, interested, and emotionally distraught myself.

     We hit it off and things moved quickly.  It wasn't until 8-9 months where I questioned things.  She would do things that made no sense.  It could be as simple as telling me that she vacuumed the carpet when she obviously hadn't.  I really didn't think much of the white lies.  I chalked it up to her being "silly".  When I noticed she was texting with an EX... .I felt like that was the first breach of trust. Foolishly I looked past it and kept on moving.  As our relationship went on there were white lies, awkward situations, but I just kept telling myself she'll grow out of it.  It will change.  If I can just show her how much I love her and how special she is... .I won't let her self destruct.

     She suffered from depression but she was taking meds for it.  Prior to this situation I never realized how serious illnesses could be.  Call me what you want but I was utterly clueless.  Towards the end of our relationship red flags had been popping up more frequently and I found myself running dry with patience.  I felt as if I were in a relationship with myself.  No matter how often I told her I needed to feel like she was going to pull her weight, no matter how many times I asked her Why she did ____ knowing it would hurt me, I chose to hang in there.  I genuinely believed things would iron themselves out if I just kept trying.

      3 years later and she hauled $$ out of state and I'm left here with my heart in my hands.  I'm still scratching my head asking myself, "How the hell did I think this was normal".  Odd as it may seem our relationship wasn't on the rocks.  We weren't fighting.  I was mentally exhausted but I wasn't ready to hang my hat up.  I probably never would have because I believed in her.  I believed in us.  How messed up is it that a small part of me... .still does?  Reading these boards and doing my own research seems bittersweet.  While it definitely connects all the dots, in all honesty it cuts a little deeper.  It makes me realize how broken my relationship truly was when all the while I thought we had a fighting chance.  She truly had me fooled but I think the harder truth is, I had fooled myself.

I'm seeing a trend here of "damsel in distress" and "things moved quickly" which is exactly what happened to me. She would tell me her x-husband used to beat her and now i'm thinking if he ever laid a hand on her she most certainly deserved it. That woman is fully capable of sending the pope into a murderous rage.

As for the "the things moving quickly" part, she was pregnant wihin two months of us meeting. Everything with the future replacements has also moved quickly as she went from being engaged to one guy for a few months to getting pregnant by someone else shortly thereafter. She can't just date anyone like a normal person, there is always this immediate extreme that puts some sort of obligation on her victim. I'm just left wondering how long she can keep this up and what will happen when the currently relationship she's in ends in disaster just like all the others. She now has 4 kids under 6 years old by 3 different guys and is only in her mid 20s. If that doesn't make her radioactive towards anyone that would even entertain the possibility of commiting to her i dont know what will.

[Pingo]

In retrospect, the very first instance that i recall being taken off the pedestal so to speak was when the BPDx all of a sudden became very upset with get this, my driving habits. All of a sudden she claimed that i drive to slow and/or braked too hard and she seemed really angry about it. Mind you i had driven places with her many times before so i was a bit flabergasted to say the least. It was all down hill from there. A couple of other compleltey irrational violent rages on her part stemmed from being unhappy with how i bagged the groceries one time and also from me driving a friend of mine somewhere as a favor after he had helped us move. I should have gone out sooner but she trapped me with a baby and i felt obligated to her and was trying to do the right thing. How i wish i hadn't.

That's funny because my first red flag was about driving too.  But not mine, his.  On our 5th date.  He had seemed like such a calm, relaxed guy (haha)... .we had gone on a road trip and met a lot of holiday traffic on the way back.  He interrupted me mid sentence to yell at some drivers.  Then continued to do so.  No one was doing anything wrong, just a lot of volume.  I remember feeling so disappointed, realising he was 'one of those guys' who rages at other drivers.  Thought maybe I was being too nit-picking so let it go.  It ended up being an issue, the first of so many, throughout our entire r/s.

But I really started to notice is when she told me she been engaged 4 times, married three (she was 58 at the time) but that didn't bother me a whole lot, But then after a month , I found she had no family.  She didn't want to be with any of her sisters (3 of them) her brother, hated her Dad, and mom had many mental problems according to her, and only seen her maybe twice a year and that was a big deal to her.  DIdn't associated with any aunts uncles or cousins, in fact she told me they act mean to her, and basically they are all either Yahoos, or jealous of her.   

This is why I can't imagine how I'll ever find a healthy guy who won't run for the hills when he finds out that my story is so similar to this lady's.  I have been engaged a total of 4 times.  I am now going to be divorced twice.  I am estranged from my parents for almost 5 yrs now.  I don't see/speak to my siblings, they live 5000 km away.  And I don't communicate with aunts or uncles, only a couple of nieces.  I don't like that it is this way but that's what happens when you come from a completely dysfunctional family.  Sucks.  Who's going to want to date me other than needy, pathetic men?

[Tater tot]

Two things: When I mentioned that I had smoked a cigar with friends, he said, "you smoked a cigar, I don't want to hear that, I want to keep you on the pedestal." Literally said that. The other BIGGER    was he talked about both his ex-wife and fiance cheated on him. When we reconnected I was still in the ends of my relationship with a previous bf. He didn't seem to mind that I was engaging in a relationship with him (not physical) while not out of my current relationship.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I'm seeing a trend here of "damsel in distress" and "things moved quickly" which is exactly what happened to me. She would tell me her x-husband used to beat her and now i'm thinking if he ever laid a hand on her she most certainly deserved it. That woman is fully capable of sending the pope into a murderous rage.

As for the "the things moving quickly" part, she was pregnant wihin two months of us meeting. Everything with the future replacements has also moved quickly as she went from being engaged to one guy for a few months to getting pregnant by someone else shortly thereafter. She can't just date anyone like a normal person, there is always this immediate extreme that puts some sort of obligation on her victim. I'm just left wondering how long she can keep this up and what will happen when the currently relationship she's in ends in disaster just like all the others. She now has 4 kids under 6 years old by 3 different guys and is only in her mid 20s. If that doesn't make her radioactive towards anyone that would even entertain the possibility of commiting to her i dont know what will. [/quote]
Now that I am reflecting about the demise of our relationship there is an over abundance of EVERYTHING that I question.  She always painted her previous partners or abusive, promiscuous, etc.  While I was in a relationship with her it broke my heart to hear that.  Noting this, I always strived to go above and beyond.  I wanted her to feel loved, appreciated, RESPECTED.  Now I question everything.  I don't know if anything was the truth. I don't know if I knew her at all considering she doesn't know herself.  I have my assumptions that she moved out of state to be with an ex.  I am not 100% certain but the gut doesn't lie right?  I can't believe this is where we are.  I can't believe she would do this to me.  I know I am echoing a thousand voices before me.  I simply don't know, and that my friend is maddening in itself.  This break up has turned out to be much more layered than I initially thought.

[outside9x]

Dear Pingo,

Please do not give up.  Though I said those were red flags, I did hang in there with her.   One never know since it does sound very unusal but, like I said, it was more about how those things happen to me as time went on. She proved to be the same person with me as with them.  No one could help her.  Her one sister would write and call but then something would set her off.  SHe wasn't trusting at all. 

Like she told me her husband set her up and tape an espsiode of her screamming and raging but even that, know can be a setup though one could rage if under constant barrage, anyone could, so I just called that a toss up.  But when all these things started happenning to me, and she shed her only friend like yesterday's news saying she doesn't need friends that badly (she has none)  and the raging and out of the blue raging, like we be holding hands one minute in love sitting next to each other, then , bam, she go off.  Maybe i didn't handle it all so well, but I never yelled back, or called her names, or made fun of her etc, but she never ever said after those events she was sorry which is almost uncaring and weird. 

After awhile, I did start emailing her after these events because she never took repsonsibility and blame me, so I remember saying, to her, just think who the common denominator is in all these outburst.  IS everyone else wrong, and bad.  It's always them never you.  I probably shouldn't have said that but I was very hurt and mad, since I cared and loved her deeply. 

You will stand on your own merit.  If you have these things, sure, they maybe a bit suspicious, you can't blame them but, over  time, these should be dispelled.  Sure everyone argues or disagrees , but it's how you work things out that's important.  It's how you care for one another.   It's never one sided, and like I said, if I knew more about  SET, it could of been better but I doubt in the end it would matter since it was, and always has been just about her emotions, her needs, and no matter waht, you could never do enough.

You'll be fine, sometimes, things just start off wrong, so you don't need to please the heck out of someone, just be yourself.  You'll be oK.  I know it!

[Pingo]

Dear Pingo,

Please do not give up.  Though I said those were red flags, I did hang in there with her.   One never know since it does sound very unusal but, like I said, it was more about how those things happen to me as time went on. She proved to be the same person with me as with them.  No one could help her.  Her one sister would write and call but then something would set her off.  SHe wasn't trusting at all. 

Like she told me her husband set her up and tape an espsiode of her screamming and raging but even that, know can be a setup though one could rage if under constant barrage, anyone could, so I just called that a toss up.  But when all these things started happenning to me, and she shed her only friend like yesterday's news saying she doesn't need friends that badly (she has none)  and the raging and out of the blue raging, like we be holding hands one minute in love sitting next to each other, then , bam, she go off.  Maybe i didn't handle it all so well, but I never yelled back, or called her names, or made fun of her etc, but she never ever said after those events she was sorry which is almost uncaring and weird. 

After awhile, I did start emailing her after these events because she never took repsonsibility and blame me, so I remember saying, to her, just think who the common denominator is in all these outburst.  IS everyone else wrong, and bad.  It's always them never you.  I probably shouldn't have said that but I was very hurt and mad, since I cared and loved her deeply. 

You will stand on your own merit.  If you have these things, sure, they maybe a bit suspicious, you can't blame them but, over  time, these should be dispelled.  Sure everyone argues or disagrees , but it's how you work things out that's important.  It's how you care for one another.   It's never one sided, and like I said, if I knew more about  SET, it could of been better but I doubt in the end it would matter since it was, and always has been just about her emotions, her needs, and no matter waht, you could never do enough.

You'll be fine, sometimes, things just start off wrong, so you don't need to please the heck out of someone, just be yourself.  You'll be oK.  I know it!

Thanks for the encouraging words, I know that we cannot put everyone in one basket, if someone presumes I'm too damaged to get to know then they are probably not the type for me anyhow.  I definitely need room in my next r/s for making mistakes or being less than perfect, this was a big issue in my r/s with my exh and I'll be damned if I ever bend myself into a pretzel in order to try to please someone again!  These days I'm happy to be single and maybe I'll just stay that way, not because I can't get something but because I just want to have a free and easy life for a change.  Isn't it a little disturbing though how when people list their red flags, etc you find parts of yourself in different aspects?  It always reminds me that we all have 'baggage', even the 'healthy' people.

[Mr. Solo]

In retrospect, the very first instance that i recall being taken off the pedestal so to speak was when the BPDx all of a sudden became very upset with get this, my driving habits. All of a sudden she claimed that i drive to slow and/or braked too hard and she seemed really angry about it. Mind you i had driven places with her many times before so i was a bit flabergasted to say the least. It was all down hill from there. A couple of other compleltey irrational violent rages on her part stemmed from being unhappy with how i bagged the groceries one time and also from me driving a friend of mine somewhere as a favor after he had helped us move. I should have gone out sooner but she trapped me with a baby and i felt obligated to her and was trying to do the right thing. How i wish i hadn't.

After fourteen years of marriage. dBPDw cheated with a girl twelve years younger, told me she was a lesbian, decided to leave, was very cruel, revised our marriage history, decided she didn't want all our kids (just the youngest), started smoking cigarettes, started smoking marijuana, started drinking, started spending money we didn't have, etc.

But if I had to pick one moment for sure, it would be when she was hanging out with her new "friend" and I needed her to come home because I literally could not move (disabled veteran with back problems). I wasn't able to take care of our three children very well and she refused to come home. She came home the next morning about 7am. That's the first time I remember thinking, "What the **** is going on?"

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

I was friends with my exBPD for 10 YEARS before we got into a relationship together and never suspected anything. I picked up that she was a little flaky or ditzy but nothing too out of the ordinary.

When we got romantically involved, it took me about 1-2 months to realize something was "wrong." We were both going through divorces at the time and it was a very stressful time for both of us, but she kept breaking up and getting back with me or break down and sob out of the blue. Even though it was a hard time, I knew that this behavior wasn't normal... .even under the circumstances.

She kept this behavior up (plus throw in occasional rage fits) for the next 2 years while we were "together."

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I was told that BPD seek out weak people or people when they are weak and leave if they get strong. You can't control and strong and healthy person.

[Mr. Solo]

I was friends with my exBPD for 10 YEARS before we got into a relationship together and never suspected anything. I picked up that she was a little flaky or ditzy but nothing too out of the ordinary.

When we got romantically involved, it took me about 1-2 months to realize something was "wrong." We were both going through divorces at the time and it was a very stressful time for both of us, but she kept breaking up and getting back with me or break down and sob out of the blue. Even though it was a hard time, I knew that this behavior wasn't normal... .even under the circumstances.

She kept this behavior up (plus throw in occasional rage fits) for the next 2 years while we were "together."

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I was told that BPD seek out weak people or people when they are weak and leave if they get strong. You can't control and strong and healthy person.

Yep. After my wife flipped out I put up with it for 3.5 years but as soon as I started standing up for myself and our kids, it got ten times worse. And, of course, she said the problem was she stood up to me. HAHA.

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

I was friends with my exBPD for 10 YEARS before we got into a relationship together and never suspected anything. I picked up that she was a little flaky or ditzy but nothing too out of the ordinary.

When we got romantically involved, it took me about 1-2 months to realize something was "wrong." We were both going through divorces at the time and it was a very stressful time for both of us, but she kept breaking up and getting back with me or break down and sob out of the blue. Even though it was a hard time, I knew that this behavior wasn't normal... .even under the circumstances.

She kept this behavior up (plus throw in occasional rage fits) for the next 2 years while we were "together."

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I was told that BPD seek out weak people or people when they are weak and leave if they get strong. You can't control and strong and healthy person.

Yep. After my wife flipped out I put up with it for 3.5 years but as soon as I started standing up for myself and our kids, it got ten times worse. And, of course, she said the problem was she stood up to me. HAHA.

I learned too late that my ex was busy building a case of "abuse" with her Facebook "friends" and portrayed herself as a "survivor." It amazes me how they can so easily turn what they do onto us and people line up to believe them and so easily, whether it's driving complaints, fights that they start and twist or whatever. It makes me sick.

[Mr. Solo]

I learned too late that my ex was busy building a case of "abuse" with her Facebook "friends" and portrayed herself as a "survivor." It amazes me how they can so easily turn what they do onto us and people line up to believe them and so easily, whether it's driving complaints, fights that they start and twist or whatever. It makes me sick.

That happened to me as well. The last 6-7 months we were together dBPDw had been grooming her friends for what she apparently was planning to do (leave/take the kids). She even convinced a mutual friend of ours, who has known me since I was six years old, I was crazy. She isolated me from her friends so they had no idea what was really going on and every time she hung out with them she filled them full of bull. When we went to court she had the friend I mentioned draw up an affidavit against me and it was basically like my wife typed it for her. The first time I saw this friend after court I leaned in, looked her in the eyes, and said, "You know better." She hung her head and walked off.

[Lion Fire]

I knew something was wrong when we were "friends". She was flakey and mercurial and although she was in a relationship she was intense with me, telling me that she wanted to be with me and was only with her bf because I was not available to her. tbh, this was a huge red flag for me and I distanced myself from her at the time. She kept probing at regular intervals, just checking out my defenses. I was being well groomed... .

The biggest red flags were when she had a failed suicide attempt last year, was sectioned by the mental health authorities and she told me that she was in therapy for BPD. Strange thing is, that's when I decided to actually make a go of it and commit to having a r/s with her, I went ahead despite the treacherous indications. This says as much about my mental state at the time as her's. In hindsight, I was off my head 

I completely ignored all warning signs, my inner voice and dove head first into an insane r/s. I still shake my head when I reflect on this.

[Infared]

I learned too late that my ex was busy building a case of "abuse" with her Facebook "friends" and portrayed herself as a "survivor." It amazes me how they can so easily turn what they do onto us and people line up to believe them and so easily, whether it's driving complaints, fights that they start and twist or whatever. It makes me sick.

This was the most upsetting part for me as well. My ex hooked up with her new supply and just told lie after lie to everyone to set up moving out on me behind my back. She set up this whole victim situation and told people God-knows-what about me to get what she wanted and never mentioned the new supply to anyone. I really loved and respected both her and her parents and the last time I ever saw them was on Christmas Day, knowing she was leaving me and that I would never see them again... .and I can't tell you how confused I was at the time and then... after she ran off and I see how I was duped and abused I just could not put into words how much it hurt. All the time as soon as she was out from under our roof she seemed to be enjoying how well her plans worked out and how much she was able to hurt me.

It left me so empty and jaded.

It was the sickest thing that I have ever been through and if I had not actually lived through it. I could not believe that a person could be that unbelievably selfish and knowingly hurtful and deceptive to someone that she shared 5-years of her life with.

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

I really can't believe how all our stories sound so similar, like we dated the same person. My ex was working the angle for months too, even convincing my best friend's wife that I was abusive and that I called her the "ice princess."

I wake up at night and think she's still next to me, but she was already with someone new, 4 short weeks after we ended. She was probably already with him when we ended. Who is on a help website and who is out "enjoying" their "new life?" Who is struggling to come to terms and who has moved on?

I think the actions and what we're all going through speak to who the true victims are.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I really can't believe how all our stories sound so similar, like we dated the same person. My ex was working the angle for months too, even convincing my best friend's wife that I was abusive and that I called her the "ice princess."

I wake up at night and think she's still next to me, but she was already with someone new, 4 short weeks after we ended. She was probably already with him when we ended. Who is on a help website and who is out "enjoying" their "new life?" Who is struggling to come to terms and who has moved on?

I think the actions and what we're all going through speak to who the true victims are.

I had to take the extra pillows off the bed because it was too painful.  It seems so silly but the unforgiving ache is inexplicable.

[Silveron]

I was friends with my wife for a year and although she told me a couple of things about her past I felt she had a really good head on her shoulders.  We became a couple a year later (she had a bf who literally never was around for her).  She pushed for engagement and within 10 months were married.  Things went way downhill from there.  Living in my house with me, being married and new job... I thought that would be causing the stress that she was snapping so much at me...   Found out she was in contact w her ex as well.  She was not the same girl I knew, and honestly I didn't know anything about BPD until a few weeks ago and she has just about all the signs of it.  Married 10 years now with a daughter and I've become numb to her daily verbal assaults.  I'm on empty.  I now just concentrate on our daughter.

Her dad is the same exact way as her.  It seems like people with BPD had a bad family life when they were young and they are emotionally stuck at that age when the damage started.

[Isa_lala]

Her dad is the same exact way as her.  It seems like people with BPD had a bad family life when they were young and they are emotionally stuck at that age when the damage started.

My BF had a very bad childhood. I think that a lot of BPD have had a difficult childhood... .

[RedDove]

Yup, same here, my ex BPDbf sent me a "Love Letter" for my Birthday 13 days after our first date. The letter described his painful childhood, he wasn't loved nor did he feel cared for by his parents, and a burden due to being a sickly child who almost died at the age of 6.         

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Glad to be out of the FOG now for 4 months and dealimg with my FOO issues and recovery!

[Tater tot]

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Red Dove, I'd be curious to see how many of our exes were cheated on by "every one" of their exes- probably every ex, of everyone on this board. I know mine was, or so he said.

I am also the rescuer that felt like I could save him. I wanted to save him from (1) the hurt that all these terrible woman who truly didn't appreciate how special he was and cheated on him (2) painful childhood of not being appreciated by his father (3) the toxic life he led (for some reason it never occured to me that the toxicity was his own doing) (4) the boss that didn't value his work ethic (5) the finacial ruin the divorce caused him (5) the learning disability that prevented him from being confident enough to finish his education (6) to be the mother figure to his child that his child deserved and to create a stable family life... .oh the list could go on.

Seriously, so happy to be out of the FOG and into the light.

[Pingo]

On the 3rd date he told me "all" of his exes had cheated on him, including his wife (separated 3 years, not divorced).         

Being a caretaker and rescuer, I fell for his victimization hook, line and sinker!

Red Dove, I'd be curious to see how many of our exes were cheated on by "every one" of their exes- probably every ex, of everyone on this board. I know mine was, or so he said.

Maybe you should start this thread!  I can attest that mine told me within the first month that all his exes had cheated on him... .which became his excuse for his suspicious jealousy... .and stupid me I figured that I would just be open and loving and he would see I was trustworthy and everything would be just fine!  Haha! He invaded my privacy reading anything personal he could get his hands on throughout our entire r/s!