Predictable pattern of dysfunctional breakdown cycles

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Despite all the knowledge I acquired from reading about this condition, it was not until recently I kind of noticed her cyclical behaviors. They go like this:

1. Calm for about a month. Idealization. The irony is when she is content and family driven, she is pleasant and I'm adored but there isn't really any physical or sexual basis. She has always been affectionate and cuddly but where she was once this provocative sexy person, it's been replaced with someone who shows zero interest.

Anyway, these cycles are just too much to deal with.

2.Inevitably some real or imagined "event" or stress from work is dramatized and she begins to become more reserved and chaotic. It's as if the motor begins to accelerate. Her moments more rapid, and the ability to get back to a sustainable level becomes impossible. These are the times when she will keep her head down, engage in less conversation and begin dictating more orders. She will march back and forth doing mundane tasks as if she is angry but without an excuse to explode quite yet. Perhaps she's in the kitchen, chopping food in a hurried fashion, cabinets slamming, patiences short, and alas we enter the walking on egg shell phase.

3. Attempts to engage are met with one word answers. Attempts to intervene are shot down. Whatever the stated drama or crisis is, you get a sense of three things 1) stated event is not the true source of why she's mad. 2) You can't leave. 3) Staying will just agitate her more. 2 and 3 are the duality of guaranteed defeat. Should I stay or should I go? Both, but Neither. But I digress,whatever she does mention as the source of stress in this moment, there is an ambiguous feel to it, it's as if it's been purposely crafted to imply blame to you yet without the ability to plausibly deny it because it's never stated directly. Towards the end of our relationship I could defuse these from blowing up. Despite that, there is a lingering and dark underbelly to this phase which sticks around like a bad taste in your mouth as if to say, "I'll be back." What I mean is, the cycle never stops here, even if diverted. Not without the blow out first. When it does occur, there is an unresolved feel to her anger. You can kind of sense it's tied to this phase which occurred earlier. Almost the way volcanic eruptions are "events" you manage to vent the main blow, but can't ever quite disperse the gases which lurk deep beneath the mountainside, so they are left to simply continue building.

4. After diversion from explosion, a couple days pass. By now I'm in overdrive having taken up more duty than normal to alleviate her because I could spell a melt down was coming. So we will be relaxing at the end of the day a few days removed from avoiding said crisis, and the triangulation will begin. Like a fisherman casting his line into a lake, her bait may be something new, or something which previously caught her desired reaction.  A nonsensical reference to the guy she cheated with? Maybe not even a real story, just a name drop to plant a seed in my mind. A nudge to the agitation and resentment that's building in you as you neglect your own life, wants and needs for her increasingly intolerable state of mind which you now realize you are unable to ever really defuse. Maybe it's the idealization of her ex? You know the person who walked away from her why you have picked up all the pieces? Following this my degradation in an inverse manor regarding the same characteristic she just praised in him? Here too, I learned not to bite. If the barbs haven't  stuck, she will begin tossing grenades. Random criticisms that are unfounded as she begins splitting hairs. There are comments to imply I'm flawed. Something like "I'm not friendly to the neighbor three houses down when they asked to borrow the hose a month ago. In fact I'm just not a friendly person at all. Why am I like that?" She will ask.  Seriously, it's really random as if she is throwing a bucket of negativity at a wall, seeing what will stick. So I learned to not bite here either. (WHY DO THEY DO THIS BTW?)

5. Like a good soldier, enduring psychological abuse and torment, I've remained stoic. So now she will pull away more and more. The drama will become more intense. All moods described above increase in complexity. She will be more reserved in communications throughout the day. You may text her to ask her what she would like for dinner. Normally where she may be very receptive to this, or at least answer, now you are met with no reply. In short, her behaviors are an escalation on all fronts. It's like a military, now she's hard pressed for a full invasion and escalation on all fronts, land, air, and sea.  Inevitably I bite. And the rage begins. The denial begins. She will tell me how awful I treat her. She will deny everything that happened over the previous weeks in the build up. Where I make valid points she will shut down the conversation or she will just declare how she is overwhelmed and stressed and in the end rather than help her I just "beat her down"

6. I step away. I bite the bullet. I take one for Team Crazy, and after several days of space, I basically have to kiss up to her, plan something like a trip or event that was previously not planned and she will come around.

7. She will be herself with almost no memory of these events listed above for 3-4 weeks. Then... .Repeat step 1.


Thoughts? Is this the pathology of this condition? Or is this a special flavor of crazy I'm in?

[anxiety5]

Despite all the knowledge I acquired from reading about this condition, it was not until recently I kind of noticed her cyclical behaviors. They go like this:

1. Calm for about a month. Idealization. The irony is when she is content and family driven, she is pleasant and I'm adored but there isn't really any physical or sexual basis. She has always been affectionate and cuddly but where she was once this provocative sexy person, it's been replaced with someone who shows zero interest.

Anyway, these cycles are just too much to deal with.

2.Inevitably some real or imagined "event" or stress from work is dramatized and she begins to become more reserved and chaotic. It's as if the motor begins to accelerate. Her moments more rapid, and the ability to get back to a sustainable level becomes impossible. These are the times when she will keep her head down, engage in less conversation and begin dictating more orders. She will march back and forth doing mundane tasks as if she is angry but without an excuse to explode quite yet. Perhaps she's in the kitchen, chopping food in a hurried fashion, cabinets slamming, patiences short, and alas we enter the walking on egg shell phase.

3. Attempts to engage are met with one word answers. Attempts to intervene are shot down. Whatever the stated drama or crisis is, you get a sense of three things 1) stated event is not the true source of why she's mad. 2) You can't leave. 3) Staying will just agitate her more. 2 and 3 are the duality of guaranteed defeat. Should I stay or should I go? Both, but Neither. But I digress,whatever she does mention as the source of stress in this moment, there is an ambiguous feel to it, it's as if it's been purposely crafted to imply blame to you yet without the ability to plausibly deny it because it's never stated directly. Towards the end of our relationship I could defuse these from blowing up. Despite that, there is a lingering and dark underbelly to this phase which sticks around like a bad taste in your mouth as if to say, "I'll be back." What I mean is, the cycle never stops here, even if diverted. Not without the blow out first. When it does occur, there is an unresolved feel to her anger. You can kind of sense it's tied to this phase which occurred earlier. Almost the way volcanic eruptions are "events" you manage to vent the main blow, but can't ever quite disperse the gases which lurk deep beneath the mountainside, so they are left to simply continue building.

4. After diversion from explosion, a couple days pass. By now I'm in overdrive having taken up more duty than normal to alleviate her because I could spell a melt down was coming. So we will be relaxing at the end of the day a few days removed from avoiding said crisis, and the triangulation will begin. Like a fisherman casting his line into a lake, her bait may be something new, or something which previously caught her desired reaction.  A nonsensical reference to the guy she cheated with? Maybe not even a real story, just a name drop to plant a seed in my mind. A nudge to the agitation and resentment that's building in you as you neglect your own life, wants and needs for her increasingly intolerable state of mind which you now realize you are unable to ever really defuse. Maybe it's the idealization of her ex? You know the person who walked away from her why you have picked up all the pieces? Following this my degradation in an inverse manor regarding the same characteristic she just praised in him? Here too, I learned not to bite. If the barbs haven't  stuck, she will begin tossing grenades. Random criticisms that are unfounded as she begins splitting hairs. There are comments to imply I'm flawed. Something like "I'm not friendly to the neighbor three houses down when they asked to borrow the hose a month ago. In fact I'm just not a friendly person at all. Why am I like that?" She will ask.  Seriously, it's really random as if she is throwing a bucket of negativity at a wall, seeing what will stick. So I learned to not bite here either. (WHY DO THEY DO THIS BTW?)

5. Like a good soldier, enduring psychological abuse and torment, I've remained stoic. So now she will pull away more and more. The drama will become more intense. All moods described above increase in complexity. She will be more reserved in communications throughout the day. You may text her to ask her what she would like for dinner. Normally where she may be very receptive to this, or at least answer, now you are met with no reply. In short, her behaviors are an escalation on all fronts. It's like a military, now she's hard pressed for a full invasion and escalation on all fronts, land, air, and sea.  Inevitably I bite. And the rage begins. The denial begins. She will tell me how awful I treat her. She will deny everything that happened over the previous weeks in the build up. Where I make valid points she will shut down the conversation or she will just declare how she is overwhelmed and stressed and in the end rather than help her I just "beat her down"

6. I step away. I bite the bullet. I take one for Team Crazy, and after several days of space, I basically have to kiss up to her, plan something like a trip or event that was previously not planned and she will come around.

7. She will be herself with almost no memory of these events listed above for 3-4 weeks. Then... .Repeat step 1.


Thoughts? Is this the pathology of this condition? Or is this a special flavor of crazy I'm in?

[maric]

G R E A T post!

I wish you could hear the applause!

[anxiety5]

G R E A T post!

I wish you could hear the applause!

So your were similar? I honestly don't know if you are agreeing with what I wrote or just messing with me ha ha. What I'm trying to get to is the actual predictable pattern and cycle of events rather than the cliche "she raged at me" or "inability to regulate emotions"

[myself]

I remember that during one of our last breakups, while still recycling, I made a basic chart of how this kind of pattern was seen from her emails. How it would peak for a short time with extremely positive ones, to a longer section that included more distance and irritation/less affection from her, and then varying lengths of her being mad/not communicating at all. It really opened my eyes to see how regular the pattern was (every couple months or so it repeated). We had a b/u that lasted pretty long, for us, and she swore things would be different, but still seeing the same patterns in play made me more ready to accept the r/s wasn't going to work, and has kept me staying NC since we ended it. Because I changed MY pattern.

[maric]

Hey Anxiety!

No, I was really amazed how clear you made all the craziness! I'm sorry if my answer seemed anything else. English is not my first language.

Yes, I had experienced this crazy cycles in the past. She even told me, 3 months into the rs, that she had this "need" to start a fight every two months, so we could fix what was wrong in the rs and then become closer. I remember saying that I did not have the urge to argue unless something comes up – normal adjustments in the rs. She said that I was avoiding conflict; but I really never had even the thought of this "scheduled conflicts".

At the time I was doing my best to get to know her better, learn from the differences, and respect the way she felt. So I took some crap, because everytime I felt we needed to talk things over, she used to say that I was making a fuss out of nothing. It really drove me nuts. I thought that I had so much things wrong with me that I did not even know about, and that she was opening my eyes to it. Silly me, if I only knew that was her projecting... .

Let me say that I have been on therapy since my teens (I'm 33) – so I had come a loong way in soul searching and such... . 

Well, I did not have a clue. I took all the crap. I was said I was avoiding conflict, then too dramatic, then passive-agressive, then too jealous, then fat, then ugly, too controling, manipulative, not dressing good enough, not being social enough, too sexual, then not sexual enough, a weight on her shoulders, not willing to learn german enough (she's german, I'm brazilian – at the time I was attending german classes 5 times a week, 4 hours a day... .german in NOT easy to learn), too demanding, too needy and so on.

Looking at that now, as I am writing it, how could I take SO MUCH BS? Good lord almighty!

[purpleavocado]

Mine was almost exactly the same, to the letter.

The more time that passes, the more I start to forget that this was once my reality. I can still feel the effects of the isolation and sense of being trapped, but when I REALLY think of the messed up situation it was, it almost seems unbelievable to me. It's just so tough to be in the middle of that cycle and see it for what it is.

I'm so glad to be out, and I know you'll get to that point too, if you aren't already.

[Rifka]

Anxiety,

This was my r/s as well, step by step. In the beginning it was fantastic. Rage and blow ups occurred after month 3. Originally rages and outbursts were about every 3 weeks with all of these steps in between. Months 5-8 crazy times started visiting more often maybe every 2 weeks then every week at the end.

If a vacation, separate or together was coming up, most definitely so was a crazy episode!

The memories of these times hurts so much! So much effort was put into trying to keep the peace in their lives and neglecting our own welfare.

It's amazing to think so many of us get out on the edge for them and risk our health and mental well being, when they have no intention of jumping anyway. They just test us to see if we will get out there and then try to push us over while they really are really glued to the wall!

They have been on the ledge before with the exes, they know the game!

It's so peaceful to not have to deal with all of the bs drama crap with him anymore. I still can't believe I was willing to put myself last for a mentally ill sponge.

I am so thankful that we have no children together and it was a clean break!

I hear all of the constant bs the first ex wife ( mother of his children) has to deal with weekly and she should qualify for sainthood!

Reading this thread is exhausting because this was reality! I'm guessing this was how it was for most dealing with BPD, just exhausting and a constant no win uphill battle for peace!

Hugs to all of you that have to deal with them because of children. You are so much stronger than you know!

Rifka