Their reaction when confronted about cheating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The first time i had solid proof that the BPDx was cheating ("love" letter i found), she said it was nothing more than just her reaching out to someone because she was only and we were going through trouble. She then asked me if i thought she would cheat on me and when i replied yes that led to a violent rage. I was cursed at, shoved, punched and her favorite, threatening of calling the police to say i did something to her if i left. She i was infuriated that i didn't believe her, that there is no way she would do that and if she did not with this particular person because he was married to her friend. Of course she was lying. She would deny things with such passion that many times i was second guessing myself over things i knew to be facts and the things she was telling me.

That last part is something she did quite often. When she got caught in something her excuses pretty much amounted to her saying everyone is lying except me, i'm the only person that cares about you and nobody else needs you or loves you. Such a horrible time in my life. 

[clydegriffith]

The first time i had solid proof that the BPDx was cheating ("love" letter i found), she said it was nothing more than just her reaching out to someone because she was only and we were going through trouble. She then asked me if i thought she would cheat on me and when i replied yes that led to a violent rage. I was cursed at, shoved, punched and her favorite, threatening of calling the police to say i did something to her if i left. She i was infuriated that i didn't believe her, that there is no way she would do that and if she did not with this particular person because he was married to her friend. Of course she was lying. She would deny things with such passion that many times i was second guessing myself over things i knew to be facts and the things she was telling me.

That last part is something she did quite often. When she got caught in something her excuses pretty much amounted to her saying everyone is lying except me, i'm the only person that cares about you and nobody else needs you or loves you. Such a horrible time in my life. 

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

The first time i had solid proof that the BPDx was cheating ("love" letter i found), she said it was nothing more than just her reaching out to someone because she was only and we were going through trouble. She then asked me if i thought she would cheat on me and when i replied yes that led to a violent rage. I was cursed at, shoved, punched and her favorite, threatening of calling the police to say i did something to her if i left. She i was infuriated that i didn't believe her, that there is no way she would do that and if she did not with this particular person because he was married to her friend. Of course she was lying. She would deny things with such passion that many times i was second guessing myself over things i knew to be facts and the things she was telling me.

That last part is something she did quite often. When she got caught in something her excuses pretty much amounted to her saying everyone is lying except me, i'm the only person that cares about you and nobody else needs you or loves you. Such a horrible time in my life. 

Mine did the same thing; everyone was lying, including me, but not her. I called the guys and one said, "Yeah, I stopped by her hotel room, but I had my kids." She said, "He's lying to you. He was never in my room. I was there alone, with a bottle of wine, trying to relax." She got me to a point where I didn't think she cheated.

I know how you feel and this whole thing sucks and feels horrible. Hang in there.

[fred6]

The 1st time she looked like the cat that swallowed the canary and then denied it. The second time she kind of admitted it when I told her that I have proof. She made my cry both times when she went LUCIFER on me... .

[RedDove]

Hi Clyde, yes my ex BPDbf had a very similar reaction when I confronted him with proof of his cheating with the OW. First he tried to gaslight and project on me. He brought up a painful experience I had shared with him that occurred 30 years ago! He then brought up something that happened diring our encounter 4 years prior.

Then, he closed his eyes, as if closing them would allow him to pretend I wasn't sitting right there in front of him! I told him to open his eyes and look at me! He then got angry, dissociated and denied we were ever in a relationship for the past 4 four years. Just the week prior he called me the love of his life and we made vacation plans for the summer.

His last ditch effort was to breakdown crying and admit he was unstable, borderline, an alcoholic (no kidding! Lol!) and addicted to pain killers from knee surgery. That's how I found out he suffered from BPD.

They use projection, gas lighting, denial and dissociation to protect themselves from the deep shame and pain they feel. It's sad. They are unable to deal with their emotions like a normal person, or like us Nons are able to do.

After the final confrontation he paid the bar tab, said he had to go and left me sitting at the bar by myself crying and shattered. I got myself together, drove home and saw him pass by me at the main intersection by our homes (he lives 1/2 mile away). Do you know where he was headed? Likely to the OW, new attachment/supply to tell her how awful and "crazy" his ex was to confront him in a bar and accuse him of cheating! He's playing the victim (as always) to garner sympathy and reinforce the trauma bond with her.

[Rifka]

My ex was leaving to go on a trip for a wedding for his sister, which he did not invite me to.    he was packing and I was there. On his dresser was a box of condoms    with a few left in it!   We did not use condoms! I confronted him immediately and he gave me this detailed story of his ex girlfriend having infections, them using them during the infections, his children being there so putting them in a jacket that had to be fitted and sewn by his mom and some other bs that made me second guess my reaction. Honestly I still have condoms from my prior ex in an overnight bag. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I totally believe he cheated on me, i will take the condoms out as proof enough. I realize everything he said was not truthful now that my head is clear and away from him.

He would usually run out when confronted in a lie, but it was his house and his parents were there. I ended up leaving, the pain was too intense to think he could cheat! I needed time to process.

Yes now I believe he cheated! Maybe each time we were in between a recycle!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about the experienced that you had when you confronted her clydegriffith. My ex felt bad inside about cheating and she can't soothe her emotions. It came out as a rage (emotional cleansing) and dissociations when I confronted her. That's BPD.

[refusetosuccumb]

Mine blamed me for his cheating because I "didnt love him enough" I stupidly took him back. Then he did it again because "I didnt get over his cheating so I really didnt love him ir fight for him'

Shame on me for working full time (he didnt work the last 3 yrs), raising our children pretty much alone, and not loving him enough through his selfmedicating and affairs.

I actually have to thank him for cheating that final time for me to finally realize I didnt deserve any of it. 6 monthsree and finally not having panic attacks.

[clydegriffith]

Mine blamed me for his cheating because I "didnt love him enough" I stupidly took him back. Then he did it again because "I didnt get over his cheating so I really didnt love him ir fight for him'

Shame on me for working full time (he didnt work the last 3 yrs), raising our children pretty much alone, and not loving him enough through his selfmedicating and affairs.

I actually have to thank him for cheating that final time for me to finally realize I didnt deserve any of it. 6 monthsree and finally not having panic attacks.

I tell myself that i was stupid for taking her back all the time. I forgave her for the affair i confronted her on by telling myself "oh we were going through a really bad time and she was emotional, she has my child and deserves a second chance". Big mistake. I caught her in bed with one of my friends a couple of months later and came to find out she had been having No Strings Attached sex with pretty much anyone that looked her way. It's one thing to fall in love with another person but to just ___ yourself out like that, with all your young kids literrally just a few feet away in the next room, that takes a certain kind of person without a conscience. 

[Mr Hollande]

Mine blamed me for his cheating because I "didnt love him enough"

That's a good one. Impressive that he managed to sell it. He should work in telemarketing. 

I actually have to thank him for cheating that final time for me to finally realize I didnt deserve any of it.

The old third time lucky.

6 monthsree and finally not having panic attacks

I'm sorry to hear about the panic attacks. Glad you're over them.

[Deeno02]

Mine just flat out ___ canned me. I didnt spend enough time with her... .or something. Still wondering what the heck... .

[going places]

With no expression, admitted it.

No emotion, no expression, nothing.

When we reconciled, and I struggled, he treated me like I was insane, making a mountain out of a mole hill.

"It was just one mistake"... .

Cold, heartless, emotionless.

Soulless.

That happened 1 month after our 20th wedding anniversary. He had been having the affair for about 8 months.

I am so glad SO GLAD he is NO LONGER my problem!

[Waifed]

After I sent her the proof of her cheating she immediately called over and over until i finally answered. I called her every name in the book and told her to f@ck off. She came over anyway and tried to suck up. I continued to call her a f@cking slut, etc and she cried nonstop for a couple of hours. She said "I'm sorry" over and over. She is very emotionless usually so this was rare. It was her only rage in 3 years. She ripped off my shirt when I tried to leave the room and held onto my legs and screamed "don't leave me" when I tried to leave the room. I'm sure some of it may have been manipulation but she seemed very shamed.

From that day until I finally left 3 weeks later she would literally follow me around the house like a puppy. I could not leave a room, shower,  get out of bed, etc. without her following.

[tired-of-it-all]

Mine was addicted to porn.  I caught her the first time by checking the temporary internet files.  By checking them it created more files of the porn.  She confronted me and accused me of porn.  I said, no that was me checking on you and you were the one looking at the porn.  She hasn't answered that one yet.  Just walked away.

Many, many other examples.  I installed tracking software on all of her computers.  She started using my grown daughter's computer when we weren't around.  My daughter confronted her in front of everyone.  She turned and walked away like nothing had happened.  She later told my daughter that she looked at porn because I was mean to her.

She once told my daughter that I had porn on my phone.  I did.  She sent it to me.  It was pics of her.

Evidence of her cheating that she flatly denies.  As you all have said, the BPD is so convincing, it makes me question myself.  They are master liars.