Objective opinions please

[UnknownBPD]

It has been a long time since I've been on.  Things have been quiet but I think mostly b/c we've just been busy.  My H  is undiagnosed.  I believe he is high functioning and narcissistic.

To boil down, we've been married for 20+ years and have 3 kids. One getting ready to leave and two younger.  We met in school.  Bottom line, I had a BF for three years and we slept together after 2 1/2 years but ultimately broke up.  I met my now husband.  He casually knew my old BF and there were mutual friends. 

So intermittently my H has basically come unhinged about the fact that I slept with my previous BF.  It was before we even met.  He just loses it.  Other times he's fine and nice but if something sets him off, I hear what a horrible person I am and make terrible decisions.  He tries to just say, I heard this, I know you did this and just on and on.

At first, I tried to just calm him down and talk about it, thinking it would get better.  Instead, he just gets set off what appears randomly to me.  Sometimes I know what it is and others it's just a mystery.

So ff 20 years.  It's not been an everyday or every week, month thing.  It can go on for days but then maybe not for months.  Regardless of how I feel about it, I do feel like over 25 years together, this could just be done with.

Is it normal to keep bringing this up.? There is no contact, no cheating, nothing.  He does keep in loose touch (1-2 times a year) with old friends, which I think doesn't help.  I think the immaturity at early 20s, they probably made comments so now it's just that everyone knows.

Bottom line, I have no one to confide in to see if this is normal.  Is this worthy of continual punishment?  He is tough and I think if we divorced he would quit his job so he wouldn't have to help support me and the kids. I haven't had a real job in years and I don't know if I can support myself and my kids. I have no family to help.

Any advice?  Thanks for your help.

[Lost23]

I'm sorry you're in a situation where you can't leave and support yourself but bottom line... .no, this is not normal. If after that amount of time together that's all he has to be upset at you for he should thank his lucky damn stars that his biggest problem in his marriage is his wife had a bf before meeting him. Sounds pretty immature.

[UnknownBPD]

Thanks for the reply.  We have some really nice times and sometimes we go months without any problems and then wham.

It actually didn't happen much when we were first married.  In fact, it was just some anger here and there but nothing about the exbf.  Then maybe 10-12 years in I started hearing that I was a slut, etc.  I mean I never kept the relationship a secret but I didn't talk about it either.  I knew about his exes but as far as I was concerned, it didn't really concern me.  Before me, whatever. And I don't mean that cavalierly, but just what could I expect? 

All said, I guess there were warning signs I just overlooked or because they were so far between, just didn't give it much thought. 

But I sometimes feel like his comments are just an effort to keep me in check.  I think sometimes it's when he's angry about something or someone says something to him and then I hear it.

I'm not "proud" of my past, but it was one guy that I dated for 3 years.  I was too young, so was a mistake but I've asked for forgiveness.  He won't forgive, fine, but to torture me with a mistake over and over, I don't get it.

He's also very black and white with things. There is no gray area.  If he says I don't do something, and I say, well, I tried but blah, blah.  He'll say, so you're saying it's my fault?  And I'll say, no, but the two together created the situation. 

It's either my fault (almost always) or his, but never both.  People are either good or bad.  Smart or stupid.  His mother, interestingly, is the same way.  Most annoying human ever.  He can't stand her most of the time either.

And definitely periods where I am the greatest person, and then wham, everything I do is wrong.

He also has a distinct belief that we need to be perceived in a certain way in public.  Appearances.

And God forbid one of the kids makes a scene, even crying or coughing in public, and he runs out of total embarrassment. 

I just thought they were quirks.

Sorry for the rant.  I'm just so uncertain what to do. And I'm tired and scared and sad.  And sad.

Thanks again for any and all input. 

[Lost23]

No problem. Rant away. I know what it's like to need to vent and I know what it's like to want someone to validate your issues. The strange thing to me in this is that he waited so long to make an issue out of it. My exBPDw was like that after about a year of dating. I wrote it off to post-partum and general immaturity, considering we were like 19-20. Over the years I found the frequency of bad things happening would get farther apart but the severity when they did happen was always much worse. I don't know, maybe they need to get these stupid little quibbles out and act like some random event that has nothing to do with them is the world's most devastating act or else they compound everything over time and when they finally lash out it's much worse. I wish I knew the answers. I'm out 6 months, still in FOG and still ask myself everyday if I made the right choice.

[UnknownBPD]

Thanks. I guess I know I need to go but I am afraid of what he will do.  He's not violent, if you don't count the occasional throwing stuff or breaking stuff.

He told me today that he's like his dad, who left the family, and made his mom struggle to take care of four kids on her own.  She's a piece of work too, but his dad basically just left after 25 years and never came back.

I wish he would go but I have no way to take care of myself and my kids.  I haven't worked in years.  Agreed when we had kids but I've tried to go do something as they've gotten a bit older (I have two still little, pre and elementary).  But it's always just wait a bit.

Now I have one going to college in a year and a half and I think he'll walk away and not support him, both financially and emotionally.  His dad stuck him with a ton of college debt.  He said he would pay but didn't. I just want to make sure he lives up to his responsibilities.

I've thought about sticking it out until he's well into college so he's "taken" care of and then still have time to get on my feet with my other two.  That's kind of the start of my plan.  I thought I was doing the right thing keeping my family together and now so close to getting one kid raised I just want him to fulfill his duty to his son.  I feel like I owe at least that much to my son seeing as I've gone this far.

Goodness knows I thought about leaving many times before.  I feel like a loser and terrible, terrible person for putting my kids through this.

I went through some big losses early in our r/s and marriage I think I just looked the other way b/c I was broken and couldn't bear another loss.  And then the kids and it wasn't bad all the time.  I thought the issues would fade, like a normal person, but I was wrong.

Just as you said, they were fewer but more intense.  It's not right. Sure I've made mistakes, but do I deserve punishment forever and ever?  Other than that one thing, he says I'm perfect (I'm not) but he can never fully love me b/c of it.  Him sleeping with others is just boys will be boys.  Maybe b/c he thinks his sixteen year old gf who dumped him is a slut b/c she slept with him he's decided to project on me.  I had a bf for 3 yrs in college.  I was older, but still too young according to him.

Do I regret it, yeah, I see the immaturity now but I move on b/c I learned and blah, blah.

But I am a ___ and I really wanted it. Now I don't want him which makes it so much worse.  Gee, being told I'm a slut and a ___ doesn't really get me feeling close to you.  Why could you even want to be around me if I'm so horrible.

Sorry again for the rant.  Reading a kindergarten book with my little guy and sending him to school all with beloved hubby texting me what a ___ I am.  Beautiful morning.

Bless you all for listening and your kind words.

[Wrongturn1]

Unknown: I think what you are dealing with is within the realm of normal for people with BPD.  I have been married to uBPDw for 17 years, and she still occasionally brings up my high school girlfriends (none of whom I actually "did it" with) and some porn viewing that I did while in college before we were married.  Those are not things I would do again, and I have forgiven myself for the parts of my past that I regret.

It is normal for people in relationships to have a past, and there is no reason for you to feel bad about having one.  Especially considering your past was not a secret, your husband has absolutely no right to give you a difficult time about it now.  I would suggest implementing boundaries against any abuse from your husband about your past relationships.

It could look something like this: When he starts in on you about this topic, you can validate that he gets upset thinking about you being with another guy.  You can remind him that you two have already talked about that subject previously and that you have said the things you have needed to say.  You can tell your truth that the whole thing is the distant past for you and not something you will discuss further.  You can tell him that from this point forward, when the topic comes up, you will leave the room or hang up/turn off the phone.  He is not entitled to abuse you about this or anything else.  You are not required to accept it.

[UnknownBPD]

Thanks. Deep down I know that I don't deserve it. People make mistakes. I didn't make that one again and yet 25+ years later I am still hearing about it.

I think he uses it as a tool to try to control me. But he also builds things up over time. I can't tell him he's wrong or that he's making it out to be something it wasn't.  He freaks out. The only other option is the alternate reality that he's turned it into.

I thought if I answered his questions and reassured him, it would be over.  Instead it's something he brings up all these years later.

I'd rather die alone than stay with this man.  My only concern is my children. And I am aware that if they become cognizant if this, it will hurt them. But I do know being homeless and hungry will definitely hurt them.  I've just got to figure out how to take care of them in my own.

Anybody have any ideas?  Realistic ideas?  I'm not ready to go to a shelter.

[Lost23]

As far as how to leave and be okay, that all depends on many factors, where you live, how much money you can walk away with, can you get a lawyer, support network, etc.

I just want to say this though. You're still convincing yourself your past is wrong. It's not. That's been fed to you to make you feel guilt and live in FOG. You having a boyfriend in college is not some shady past you should be ashamed of. Now maybe the relationship was bad or there are some factors we don't know, but even then, you may regret the situation but you shouldn't regret it simply because it makes him upset. Our past is what brings us here so at the end of the day if you hadn't been in that r/s, you may not have been lead to this one. Now in hindsight maybe that does make you regret it, but it should not be a factor for him. Stop being sorry for things you did before you were with him.

[UnknownBPD]

I know what you're saying.  As a more mature adult I do wish I had waited to sleep with my college bf, but I don't feel bad for having a bf.  Even so, I've forgiven myself.  I don't need him to.  I can handle that, but I just think it's so unfair to bring it up so much now.

He gets physically ill thinking or talking about it.  I NEVER bring it up.  Sure, the intense reaction doesn't help, but really b/c I moved on soo long ago.  I never even think about the old bf except when he brings it up.

I think b/c he knew who he was, it just makes it more real than some unknown.  But then again, he's embellished so many things about my past, that maybe that doesn't make a difference.

It is really confusing and I think that's why I've stuck around.  This behavior is only maybe 1 percent of the time but it is so awful when it is.  The thing is, I'm just kind of tired of dealing with it.  And realizing it will never end.

Thanks again for all your input. It does truly help.