Had contact and am suffering the consequences

[amigo]

So here I am posting again. It's been 8 months since the actual breakup, 4 months since the recycle and 3 months since we last spoke. Last month I sent my uBPDexbf a message on his birthday to which I never received a reply. I was ok with that, felt that it was the last thing I needed to do and that from now on there would be no more contact on my end.

I haven't been true N/C because I just couldn't get myself to do it. In other words I didn't delete his phone number or e-mail. I wanted more information (that' my excuse anyway), and was also trying to avoid an extinction burst on his end.

Well I got more information, I received a text from him yesterday. Saying how he was hoping I am ok, that he thought of me, how he didn't like to think of me all the time, the thoughts were intrusive. That I was probably wondering what he was thinking, since he hadn't communicated and that he is not angry, bitter or resentful. That he is grateful for every second he spent with me.

First I felt really good receiving this. If I didn't know better, I could have used this text for a bit of closure. A "normal" person's attempt at saying "hey I am thinking of you, I hope you are ok and I hold no ill will". But unfortunately I do know better. It's an attempt to check on supply. Initially I thought "ok, diagnosis confirmed" and sent back a calm and nice reply, that I was not bitter and resentful either. All Good. Except the conversation stopped there. And last night I was feeling lonely and sent him text asking him to explain what he meant by saying he is happy to miss me. No response of course. I am certain, that he feels empowered now, because he reeled me back into his emotional web. Oh, who knows what he thinks! Probably he was just with the other woman and didn't need to respond.

Yuck, I feel disgusted with myself. I had to vent here. If you need more reasons not to break N/C or in my case L/C, here is one more. I was doing quite well after not having spoken to him for 3 months. I had written a good- bye letter, which I never sent, and felt like I had really moved on. Now I am drawn back in. Spending energy on thoughts about him. Will have to dig myself out of this unpleasant feeling again. And even worse, I will probably get more contact from him in the future, because I gave him positive reinforcement. So don't break N/C!

Thank you for listening, I needed to share this with people who understand.

[Caredverymuch]

So here I am posting again. It's been 8 months since the actual breakup, 4 months since the recycle and 3 months since we last spoke. Last month I sent my uBPDexbf a message on his birthday to which I never received a reply. I was ok with that, felt that it was the last thing I needed to do and that from now on there would be no more contact on my end.

I haven't been true N/C because I just couldn't get myself to do it. In other words I didn't delete his phone number or e-mail. I wanted more information (that' my excuse anyway), and was also trying to avoid an extinction burst on his end.

Well I got more information, I received a text from him yesterday. Saying how he was hoping I am ok, that he thought of me, how he didn't like to think of me all the time, the thoughts were intrusive. That I was probably wondering what he was thinking, since he hadn't communicated and that he is not angry, bitter or resentful. That he is grateful for every second he spent with me.

First I felt really good receiving this. If I didn't know better, I could have used this text for a bit of closure. A "normal" person's attempt at saying "hey I am thinking of you, I hope you are ok and I hold no ill will". But unfortunately I do know better. It's an attempt to check on supply. Initially I thought "ok, diagnosis confirmed" and sent back a calm and nice reply, that I was not bitter and resentful either. All Good. Except the conversation stopped there. And last night I was feeling lonely and sent him text asking him to explain what he meant by saying he is happy to miss me. No response of course. I am certain, that he feels empowered now, because he reeled me back into his emotional web. Oh, who knows what he thinks! Probably he was just with the other woman and didn't need to respond.

Yuck, I feel disgusted with myself. I had to vent here. If you need more reasons not to break N/C or in my case L/C, here is one more. I was doing quite well after not having spoken to him for 3 months. I had written a good- bye letter, which I never sent, and felt like I had really moved on. Now I am drawn back in. Spending energy on thoughts about him. Will have to dig myself out of this unpleasant feeling again. And even worse, I will probably get more contact from him in the future, because I gave him positive reinforcement. So don't break N/C!

Thank you for listening, I needed to share this with people who understand.

Our Amigo.  I have actually been wondering recently how things were going for you as we haven't seen you here for a bit.  Im sorry things took a back step but you came to the family here and here we understand.

We go back as many times as we need to.  Be gentle with yourself for being human in a difficult situation w no closure.  You know so many of us have done just the same.  You respond or reach out to this person you cared for thinking , hey just maybe this will help me to understand better.  To get that desperately longed for conversation we never got.  Or merely just to get some sense of reciprocity in a caring sense.

Im sorry you experienced the same so many of us have.  After the spitting they are more prickly with each time they get a response when they attempt to bait or check in on supply.

The time frame is just about right for his attempt as well.

Its a horrific disorder.  The recovery and healing is progressive and so hard. 

You're doing great and now you know how to react if he baits again.

You dont.

Sending 

[lm911]

You have not done anything wrong. You should not be so harsh on yourself. This last contact will make you stronger, not weaker.

[amigo]

Thank you both so much for replying.

lm911, I appreciate you saying that I did nothing wrong. It makes me feel better. Yes I tend to be harsh on myself. I am demanding of myself in many areas in my life and I felt that I needed to be "done with this" already. I also thought hearing from him would make me stronger not weaker, because I would learn more about and confirm his disease. And I did. But it still hurts.

Dear Caredverymuch. I was hoping to get another dose of your kind, loving understanding and gentle reminder of what I need to do Yes, the timing of his "poke" is about right. I wasn't really that surprised. And actually I was pleasantly surprised by how nice his message was. And I was surprised at how much it affected me still 2 days later. Yes, it tore open that wound again. But some of the layers have healed and are staying put and that gives me hope. He answered my text this afternoon, with an ambiguous, open answer. I left it at that. I will not continue this nonsensical conversation. I am trying, I really am. I come here and tell myself that I already have all the answers, which I know I will never get from him.

I am not sure he is actually baiting. He hasn't asked to see me or to talk to me. Yes, I know, and he even said so in the past, he is looking for a stronger response on my part, to reengage. I didn't give him that. So despite my response and my text last night, at least I didn't give him what I know he needs to actually make a move. Some small improvement I guess.

Thank you for being here for me, once again. 

[btbh]

Don’t be too hard on yourself cause we all have setbacks. Just take it as another learning experience and troop on.  I’m sure he is just baiting to see if you’re still emotionally available to him at the moment. He probably is facing issues with the current replacement or has no replacement lined up at the moment so reaches out to see if youre still hooked onto him. Nothing wrong with breaking contact as long as you are strong enough not to relapse and get hurt again. Be strong and take a day at a time(: