Multiple BPD Family Members

[Edgewood]

I come from a family rife with BPDs.  Mom has much psych nursing experience and believes her mother was BPD.  Mom (admittedly) and her sis are also both BPD.  My sis is also BPD.  Nobody in the family (including me) is truly healthy.  Nothing has been diagnosed; none have gotten help.  Grandma and my husband have both passed; they were my support.  My aunts and their families are not in the picture due to disagreements.  

Basically it’s me, my BPD mom, and my BPD sis – no spouses, no kids.  Those two now live together; mom physically dependent on sis and sis financially dependent on mom.  Mom has bullied sis since the day she was born; sis (at 52) has learned to bully right back. They are awful to each other.  Mom is now old with several serious conditions, currently undergoing radiation for breast cancer.  Sis is now Bellevue crazy with rages, illegal drug history, seizures (using medical marijuana), suicide threats, etc.  Neither of them drive.  Neither have support system of friends.  Family is either absent or dead – it’s just me.

I try to help, but I can’t stand either one of them.  I fantasize about relocating and letting them wallow, but there’s that gnawing sense of obligation, and the knowledge that neither of them truly has the capabilities to completely manage themselves.   I know it's awful, but I’m happiest when I’m away from them.

I don’t know what I want here.  This has been going on a LONG time, so I’m not usually hurt, confused, or in despair anymore.  I just don’t know how to help them, but preserve my happiness.  I don’t know how to discount their behaviors without discounting them.  And I don’t know how to not be angry with what they do to each other.

I've posted here before, but it was some time ago.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back Edgewood

Been a long time indeed since you last posted here. The situation you describe sounds very stressful having so many people with BPD in your life. I find it interesting that your mother at least admits she has BPD. How did she come to this conclusion?

I am sorry you lost your support network you had in your grandma and husband. Having the support of others can be really helpful when you're dealing with BPD relatives. You do have bpdfamily though and I'm happy that you're reaching out for support here. I suggest you also take a look at our other message boards aimed at people with BPD relatives: Coping and Healing

There you can read the stories of other members who are dealing with BPD relatives. You can also share more of your own story there.

I know it's awful, but I’m happiest when I’m away from them.

Well I think it's quite understandable that you feel happiest when you're away from them. Based on how you describe things, it does seem like they create a very toxic unhealthy atmosphere so I would say it's only logical that you feel better when you aren't in that environment.

You also mention that your aunts and their families aren't in the picture due to disagreements. Does this also have to do with BPD related issues?

[Edgewood]

Hello Kwamina, and thanks for your welcome.  I'm amazed by how adept at validation the moderators here are!

Yes, the estrangement from some family members is due to the family's emotional struggles.  That lack of contact has helped, actually.  At least we just have to deal with our immediate crazy, not our extended crazy.   

Mom admits her probable diagnosis, but not the actual behaviors, you see.  I suspect it's another thing that she was able to blame on her mother.  I think that she and her psych coworkers liked to spend time diagnosing each other.  She really did work with some exceptional clinicians, most of whom had their own issues.

I admit that I am no longer that stressed over these relationships.  I have pretty much mastered the self-care aspect of being a family member of pwBPD.  I don't have have guilt over my feelings, I take time for myself, and I'm able to set boundaries.  But, most of my strategy has been to distance myself from them.  Again, I don't feel guilty about this and I am MUCH HAPPIER.  But, it's not much of a family life, either.  I only have two family member left; it would be nice to have a relationship with them.

[Kwamina]

At least we just have to deal with our immediate crazy, not our extended crazy.    

It always helps when you can place things into perspective like this!

Mom admits her probable diagnosis, but not the actual behaviors, you see.  I suspect it's another thing that she was able to blame on her mother.

So she admits the diagnosis but not the behaviors  That complicates things. Is blaming others something your mom does often? Many people with BPD unfortunately often blame others for their own wrongdoings and tend to assume an extreme victim role when it serves them. Would you say this is what your mother does too?

Again, I don't feel guilty about this and I am MUCH HAPPIER.  But, it's not much of a family life, either.  I only have two family member left; it would be nice to have a relationship with them.

This is something I can really relate to. Letting go of the fantasy mother and the believe that my own uBPD mom would ever be the real mother I always wanted and needed her to be, was very hard for me. I feel better now, but I also realize I've lost something. But then again I never really had it anyway because it was only a fantasy. Just my imagination running away with me... .So it's definitely not the family life we wanted but it is what it is.

Just like you I also have a uBPD sis and when she's with my uBPD mom, the two of them really reinforce each other's bad behavior. You say your mom and sis are awful to each other, how does your sister treat you personally? Does she also direct her rages and suicide threats at you or only at your mother?

[Edgewood]

Wow, Kwaimina, you have a mom and sis with BPD, too?  Judging from the visitors' stories here, that sounds pretty common, eh?  If nothing else, it's nice (as I'm sure you know) just learning that I'm not alone.  I'm sorry about your situation.  It sucks, doesn't it?

Oh, yes, my mom is a victim.  That's her go-to position, although she's actually quite a strong lady.  I don't know if she believes that she is a victim or if that's just the role that allows her to get what she wants.  Frequently these days, she portrays herself as the victim of her uncaring daughters, who just don't do much for her in her advanced years (complete BS, but she's generated much hate for my sis & I with this angle).  I do believe that, as a child, she had to "work" for whatever attention she got from my grandmother, who was a single mother with her own emotional issues.  Behaviorally, though, my grandma spoiled her rotten, allowing all sorts of bad behavior well into Mom's advanced years.  She also got grandma's (and others' attention through hypochondria.  Ironically, she has several life-threatening or serious conditions now, so you never really know what's true.

Mom's not the problem for me so much anymore.  We've dealt with each other for 50 years and have come to terms with what we will and won't allow with each other.  I'm perceived as a b*tch by her and others.  I don't care anymore.  I recently had to tell a social worker to stop telling Mom that I am available for her "rescue" when my sis rages.  Those days are over, whether or not the social workers understand my position.  I am sick to death of people thinking that I should step up to the plate and fix somebody else's life; that seems to be my assigned role in our family.

My sister deals with Mom blaming us very differently than I do.  I get mad, retreat; sis just "takes it," laughing about what a drama queen Mom is.  I used to think sis handled it better than me, but her mental illness has definitely progressed during the 4+ years that she has been living with Mom.  Mom rides her relentlessly about anything and everything and does not recognize the endless efforts sis makes on her behalf, despite the lack of appreciation (sis is a caregiver at heart, and used to be a wonderfully empathetic person).   Sis deals by disappearing into her artwork, marijuana, journaling, etc. She rages at everyone, particularly if she has to follow someone's rules (like not bringing reefer into my car!).  Her rages are getting more frequent and more severe.  The cops have been called several times.  She has lost jobs due to them.  Two of mom's neighbors have contacted me, expecting me to do something about sis's frightening behavior.  She will not seek treatment, believing that people should accept her the way she is.  (This is how she views Mom's behavior, too.)  She is fine with the way she is and, I suspect, is actually attracted to people who behave similarly. She identifies with "the artist's temperament," so it's something of a badge of honor.

When things calm down, they do okay together.  When sis cycles back to Mr Hyde, Mom doesn't want to live with her anymore.  She'll talk about eviction and once got me to serve sis an eviction notice.  But, she won't follow through.  I think she is genuinely concerned about sis becoming homeless and also is afraid of living alone or having to go to a nursing home.  She is full of excuses and likes to say, "I guess I don't have any other choice . . ."

I'm pretty black-and-white, which I don't think benefits the situation.  I will help each of them work towards a goal, but I'm not willing to be endlessly bombarded with their emotional outbursts detailing their dissatisfaction with a life they won't even try to change.  I asked them both to stop talking about each other around me, and found that I was happier.  (I am angry with both of them regarding how they treat each other; my anger is a problem.)  But, eventually, Mom is again a victim of the rages and a cop or a neighbor or a social worker contacts me.  And I know that her fears are legitimate; it's not a healthy environment for an old lady who's had a stroke, etc. 

I think my whole life has been about learning to draw boundaries.  Now that I've mastered it, I realize that I'm pretty inflexible.  Can we come out of this "sane"?  What do you do when your mother and sister are together?  Do they draw you into their crap?

[Kwamina]

It sucks, doesn't it?

Yes it does. No matter which way you look at it, it isn't a pleasant situation to come from. But I've now also come to a point that after learning about BPD and how to deal with BPD loved ones, I'm also able to apply these skills to other people in my life who aren't BPD at all. I realize that my childhood was difficult but the skills I've been learning in my adult life to cope are actually very helpful in a lot of other situations too and I notice that many other people who weren't raised in a BPD situation, aren't developing these skills and/or never really have.

I don't know if she believes that she is a victim or if that's just the role that allows her to get what she wants.

Manipulative tendencies are unfortunately also quite common in people with BPD, I've experienced this as well

Behaviorally, though, my grandma spoiled her rotten, allowing all sorts of bad behavior well into Mom's advanced years.  She also got grandma's (and others' attention through hypochondria.

I find this point very interesting! Both my mother and oldest sister are uBPD and my mother has always treated my oldest sis as the all-good golden child. She viewed my other sister as the all-bad child. The only problem with spoiling her rotten was that she didn't learn my oldest sister essential parts of what would be considered healthy behavior. Instead my oldest sister was raised to believe that she was better than everyone else, didn't have to treat others respectfully, could do whatever she wanted to someone else and always get away with it. In my personal opinion, spoiling a child rotten is in fact also a form of child abuse because you don't prepare a child for the real world this way.

She identifies with "the artist's temperament," so it's something of a badge of honor.

Artist's temperament? Hmmm well that's one way of looking at it. I suppose it does sound a lot better than having borderline personality disorder

I think my whole life has been about learning to draw boundaries.  Now that I've mastered it, I realize that I'm pretty inflexible.  Can we come out of this "sane"?

Well I think so. Based on your posts I would consider you sane. I do consider myself 'damaged' by what I've been through but there are also things we can do to heal and like I said at the beginning, the skills we learn to deal with our BPD relatives (boundaries, communication etc.) are also very helpful in many other aspects of life. For instance the communication skills developed to deal with people with BPD are pretty advanced and I have noticed in my professional life that a lot of 'regular' people haven't really fully developed those skills at all.

What do you do when your mother and sister are together?  :)o they draw you into their crap?

They try but I've become a lot better at setting boundaries with them and not letting myself get provoked or dragged in to their drama and negativity. The turning point for me actually was a time when they joined forces and ganged up on me in a full-blown 'Witch' attack. That was when I truly realized just how 'messed up' they were in the sense that there's something seriously wrong with them mentally and emotionally. After this incident I started researching online and after a while found out about BPD and discovered this site. So looking back, the two of them ganging up on me like that was actually a blessing in disguise. If it hadn't happened I might still have been in complete denial or totally stuck in a web of fear, obligation and guilt.

[Edgewood]

Thanks for pointing out the opportunity to learn valuable skills.  I'm going to practice SET. 

I appreciate your welcome.  Good luck with your situation!