advice for my 20 yr old son 2 months out of BPDexgf relationship

[angeusa54321]

Hi all, My son age 20, had his first real gf with a young borderline. The typical, behaviors, alienated all his family and friends from him, jealous, projecting, suicide threats... .the usual m.o.  He just reconnected with all of us 2 months ago after a hellish up and down year w her.  He informs me today, that she stopped by... ." because she missed him, was having surgery, wanted to go to a pumpkin patch together"  blah, blah.  They almost had sex... .but didn't. I have tried to get him to come to this forum, so I thought I would write here, and show him the responses of

" the guys who are in the same boat" and "know". I have tried to explain, projection, and gas lighting. He is obvi being re-cycled, as she was blocked and came by asking... .have you blocked me, are you getting my text,  also proceeded to ask him why he was " FB friending" "all the girls he knew on FB before he was dating her" Ugg! I told him, it will be the same behaviors again, and that she needs help. I specifically told him he should go back to the therapist he went to see early this year, who did in fact diagnose her with BPD. He tells me he feels like he has Ptsd. I have encouraged him to stay no-contact. Advice please, for a 20yr old guy, 1 1/2  months no-contact from a 1 yr relationship... .until todays re-cycle attempt.    Thank you

[Mr Hollande]

A tad indelicate but I wish I was 20 with the full knowledge of BPD and not 40 with a second bitter experience on my CV. That way I could have at least avoided the last trespassing c##t who wasted 5 years of my life and stomped my heart into the mud. It may seem like small favours to your boy but he has a lot more time on his side than many of us here. My advice is learn about the disorder and make that knowledge second nature to avoid a repeat performance by the next BPD witch who tries it on for luck. Most important, stay NC with the current monster.

[angeusa54321]

Thank you, Please be brutally honest. Because I will be showing him your responses.

[clydegriffith]

Thank you, Please be brutally honest. Because I will be showing him your responses.

I'm in my late 20s so not too far off from your son's age. The BPD woman that brought me here trapped me with a child, as she did with the guy that she was with before me. We went through many mini breakups but she always lured me back in by pretending to be better and having lots of crazy sex. Getting her back with her all those times was always a mistake as her behavior just got worst and worst. It went from random rages to random rages and suicie threats, then blatant cheating, then giving herself a black eye and telling the police i did it. She had me arrested 4 times. I was in court for two years consecutively because of that. She trapped her latest replacement the only way she knows how: by having another baby!

He should stay far away from her and not put himself in a position to get her pregnant. He has no connection with her now but a child would change that even if they didnt end up together which they most certainly wont.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. I can write a novel on everything she put me through.

[Take2]

Wow Clyde that's quite alot in that short paragraph... .  Agneusa... .  hopefully your son will read the many, many other stories on here that are similar - where partners have been falsely accused, arrested, imprisoned, etc... .   adding children to the mix to trap a partner... .Agneusa, your son is so lucky to have you... .  stay supportive, if he's anything like many of this, this recycle will be one of many... .   

[Mr Hollande]

It was new years eve when my ex dropped the bomb on me that she was now in a relationship with my replacement. Fair enough that she and I had been on and off in the last year but only because of her BS. About 6 months prior I had walked and she'd been so devastated I feared for her life in the following weeks. I knew back then that I wasn't able to let her go fully. We got back together officially 2 months later. More intolerable BS and I walked again. We remained "friends". I invited her to a country cottage I had borrowed for a week and we had a great time. A month later I took her along when my band played in one of the beautiful cities of Europe where I secured a flat for the two of us. Once again we had a wonderful time. I felt hope. Then new years eve and she was now with my replacement. A drug dealer f#ck #p. I refused to take it lying down and fought for her. After 2-3 weeks of pain, humiliation and tears I eventually said OK, I'll let you go. "But it's you I want" she said. OK, we're back together. Another month an the same thing. More tears and more indignities. I say "OK, go your way". A day later I'm Mr Right again so we get back together. It's a long distance relationship so her next visit was about 2 months later. We had a good time and I was so glad she was with me. I kept telling her that. No reaction. Eventually I tell her that it fely like there was a distance between us that hadn't been there before and that I hoped it would go away because I love her. She went ape sh#t which lead to the worst episode ever between us. The day after both of us walk like zombies around the house. She promises that the last few days before she's due back will be good and they are. She goes back and we half decide that things have become so toxic that it may be dangerous for both of us. She goes into a deep state of depression. Much because she had changed her medication. I pay for her new medicine. Every day she is like a ghost on the phone and I'm very worried about her. I still want us to be together. Then one day she sounds better and that's when she flips after I tell her I'd spoken (reluctantly) with a female that none of us like at a concert. She flips big time. Two days later I finally get hold of her and she tells me she's with drug dealer f#ck #p and because he is the one she "really loves" my feelings are of no importance to her. She giggles when she's telling me that. I hang up and stumble out of the house. That was the moment it was over for me. I knew there and then that I will never forgive her. Not even if she became cured and wanted to come back would I have her. The emotional pain is indescribable. She makes a few attempts at something but I put the phone down and never reply to her FB messages. That was May. My story is a walk in the park compared with many here. Your boy can probably match mine. For what it's worth to him this is what it is. There will never be a happy ending. Not for those who stay with them.

The above story was my second BPD b#tch. The first one 15 years ago nearly ruined my life completely. Her stunt could have cost me everything.

[angeusa54321]

Thank you all. Please keep the responses coming.   On a side note what originally brought me here was my current bf of 5 yrs.,  had a bad breakup w a borderline woman ,20 yrs younger than him.  After a hellish 14 months together. He went to rehab and therapy and is the happiest he has ever been.  But it took a good 2 yrs out of our 5 to "un-brainwash" him.  Sweetest man ever with bad personal boundaries.  So there is hope.        So I came here to understand what he was talking about and how to support him.  It is like PTSD.  And he had been in military for 20 yrs.!  I just received a call from my son. He is on his way over ,so I am thinking he will start posting today and responding.  He calls me saying. "  Omg mom.  She is crazy.    I'm coming over to talk."     This forum is wonderful.  So much support.  Thank you. Thank you thank you!

[Mr Hollande]

PTSD can be treated successfully. BPD is with only the most miniscule of exceptions incurable. Many therapists won't touch them with a bargepole. Also, which I have mentioned in another thread here, prisons are so full of them that the staff do courses on the disorder. My friend who is a prison guard reacted when I told him that my ex had BPD. ":)ude, that's severe... ." and so forth. Some people here, initially healthy people, SUFFER from PTSD due to the traumas of having been with a BPD partner. Severe indeed!

[myself]

It's the disordered back and forth, breaking up and getting back together, that can really wear you down. The less he does of that the better. There are so many more layers of lies, unanswered questions, betrayals, projections, pain... .More good times, too, that might haunt him just as much. Have him ask himself if someone acting like that is even his friend, let alone worth being in a r/s with. Hopefully he goes NC and stays NC, for his own sake. If she's BPD, he's never going to win her games. There will be other loves in his life. He'll have better chances the more aware/sure of himself he is. He's fortunate to have a parent who cares for him so well.

[Infern0]

Tell him to gtfo and stay away from her.

There are 3 billion odd women in the world and most of them are not personality disordered nutcase

This girl is mentally ill and is only going to get WORSE.

20 years old your a young guy you don't need this crap you really don't. 

I can't tell you enough how bad these borderlines can do you in, mine drove me to a nervous breakdown with all her lies and crap.

There's no happy ending.  Run.

[Fluff]

Tell him to check this place out, and then promise him you wont be reading his stuff. 

[angeusa54321]

Tell him to check this place out, and then promise him you wont be reading his stuff. 

Good advice!

[angeusa54321]

Great advice guys! I told him he is not alone. He doesn't know the depths of this disorder, and as a mother... .I saw the pattern 6 weeks in. But, it was too late. Yes, on a positive... .a VERY VALUABLE, hard life lesson. Not to accept this in his life now or ever again. Thank you... .any advice he reads here can be so helpful to him... .while  she attempts to re-cycle... .etc... .and he attempts to heal and move forward.

[angeusa54321]

Lord have mercy.  She stops by his place this morning. Tears. Apologies etc.  then they have a phone fight later.  Then they meet a have a good rational talk at a park.  Now she is coming over again ,they are meeting again at his place.  I told him. If u r gonna meet go to a public place.  She will try and hook u back with sex. But I can't stop him.  He has to decide how much pain he is willing to take.   I asked him.  If she starts the same behavior again will he tolerate it.   Recycle. Ugg.  I told him. How r u supposed to have a relationship w someone that all your friends and family dislike. We are your support system and she hates us for it.  This is so heartbreaking to see him take the bait.  I hope he reads this tonight and decides to open his own acct here  :/

[Mr Hollande]

Sad to say that by your account it sounds like he has a few more miles of walking through hell before becoming wise enough. He'll be done with it when he's ready.

[Waifed]

The obvious answer if she is indeed BPD would be to completely cut ties with her because it is a dead end relationship. She is incapable of meeting his needs and loving him. It is and always will be about meeting her needs. The pain will be exponential every time they recycle and she will likely leave him high and dry once she knows he is still in her hooks.

Unfortunately, we can all give him good advice but until he has hit rock bottom with her he will likely keep getting sucked in. It's a horrible situation as we can all attest too and most of us continued to go back until we were torched too badly, or they simply and shockingly left at the drop of a hat. It is a no win situation as long as he continues to communicate with her. I wish him luck and only wish I could convince him to run for the hills.

[Aussie JJ]

Show him this verbatim if needed. 

Her concerns are not his problems.  His concern is his problems.  It may feel like he is going out with cinderella, the sex will be fantastic, she will latch onto his every need and be so into him he wont know what is happening. 

A bit down the track, the exorcist comes out.  I have just had papers served on me accusing me of sexual assault (she used to wake me up in the middle of the night when she needed sex, I wasn't complaining, but it was sexual assault in hindsight, no consent from me).  Verbal and physical abuse (her behaviours again) and of being an absent and neglectful father (a role she is trying to force me into through denial of access etc). 

If he wants good sex, tell him that he can have your credit card and point him to a brothel.  If he wants someone to validate his feelings and make him feel happy, give him your credit card and send him to a psychologist.  If he wants friends to do activities with sign him up for the local football club and tell him to start doing that every weekend with mates to go drinking with, again give him your credit card. 

If he stays in this relationship with her, tell him he can never have your credit card ever.  I am 29 years old, have built up 2 investment properties and my own house and now looking at selling it to pay the legal costs so i can spend time with my son and defend myself against these claims.  I am looking at up to 100,000 in legal bills as she will drag it out and try to manipulate and distort everything to win her point of view. 

Giving him your credit card now might cost you $3-4,000 in prostitutes and therapists however it will save you a lifetime of what I am going through.  Finally if he thinks he can have a family with this person buy the below book to explain how her parenting will be.  Ask him if he wants this from the mother of his children. 

Sorry to be blunt, she may be a good person however her behaviours and fears that drive them are something he cant change only she can change those behaviours.  Give him your credit card and direct him to go do these things for himself right now to get the hell over her.  All she is is a emotional black hole that will suck the energy from his life. 

Understanding the Borderline Mother


AJJ. 

[angeusa54321]

Show him this verbatim if needed. 

Her concerns are not his problems.  His concern is his problems.  It may feel like he is going out with cinderella, the sex will be fantastic, she will latch onto his every need and be so into him he wont know what is happening. 

A bit down the track, the exorcist comes out.  I have just had papers served on me accusing me of sexual assault (she used to wake me up in the middle of the night when she needed sex, I wasn't complaining, but it was sexual assault in hindsight, no consent from me).  Verbal and physical abuse (her behaviours again) and of being an absent and neglectful father (a role she is trying to force me into through denial of access etc). 

If he wants good sex, tell him that he can have your credit card and point him to a brothel.  If he wants someone to validate his feelings and make him feel happy, give him your credit card and send him to a psychologist.  If he wants friends to do activities with sign him up for the local football club and tell him to start doing that every weekend with mates to go drinking with, again give him your credit card. 

If he stays in this relationship with her, tell him he can never have your credit card ever.  I am 29 years old, have built up 2 investment properties and my own house and now looking at selling it to pay the legal costs so i can spend time with my son and defend myself against these claims.  I am looking at up to 100,000 in legal bills as she will drag it out and try to manipulate and distort everything to win her point of view. 

Giving him your credit card now might cost you $3-4,000 in prostitutes and therapists however it will save you a lifetime of what I am going through.  Finally if he thinks he can have a family with this person buy the below book to explain how her parenting will be.  Ask him if he wants this from the mother of his children. 

Sorry to be blunt, she may be a good person however her behaviours and fears that drive them are something he cant change only she can change those behaviours.  Give him your credit card and direct him to go do these things for himself right now to get the hell over her.  All she is is a emotional black hole that will suck the energy from his life. 

Understanding the Borderline Mother


AJJ. 

Wow, Thank you... .again on a side note.

I lived in Oz for 5 yrs. and my son was born in north Sydney.

I am printing out all of this thread for him, so all the brutal honesty is much appreciated.

The exBPDgf did go by his place today again early evening.

I am just so thankful that he is being totally open with me, and sharing.

I am backing off on advice ( so hard as a mom) but he is 20, and in the exBPDgf mind, I am the enemy, so I have to be very careful in what I say.

I have told him as much today... .that I am reluctant to give him any more advice.

But I am encouraging  him to come here to chat w the "guys" and also w a therapist. 

If he re-cycles... .as a mom... .I can only be here to help guide him forward from this.

Thank you once again for sharing .

There is a "light at the end of the tunnel" 

I can attest to this first hand... .as the gf of 5 yrs, to a wonderful man who has been thru this.

... .with 2 back-to-back bad relationships (1 being a BPD).  Good women are out there.   

Its your sanity, your life... .and it CAN be a happy one.