Sabotaged by BPD MIL. Ever happen to you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last time I posted, I was concerned about meeting up with my BPD MIL and FIL after about two years of NC/VLC. I didn’t update right after because it went so strangely well that I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it, though her BPD was clearer to me than it has ever been. Even though it was obvious that certain issues would never be solved, my DH decided (because of the health of aging family members) that it would be best to try to have some sort of base relationship with them.

This means we talk twice a month and will visit each other once a year or so. It’s clear that my MIL is now very aware of how little control she has over us, absolutely no financial control, and you can tell she’s right back to her old business.

But. Recently, a month ago, we allowed them to visit. Last year we moved into a new house and they (primarily his dad) wanted to make the 10 hour drive to see us. They arrived on a Friday evening, stayed Saturday, and left early Sunday morning. Quick trip. There seemed to be no problems except for one: his mother had asked how I was liking our new town and I told her I liked it, but it wasn’t our ‘forever place’ and we knew we’d make another move in the future and that even though it was nice, this small town had taken some getting used to (I grew up in the city). She turned that into “Up In The Air hates it here” and confronted my husband on Saturday when the three of them were sightseeing together (I had to work and couldn’t get anyone to cover me) by telling him that. DH responded, “No, we like it here, but it’s not our forever place.” And she shut up. So she now  knows she can't manipulate use against each other.

Fast forward to the sabotage. After they left, I was cleaning and restocking the guest bath and I have this little toilet paper caddy that holds toilet paper and Kleenex. It was full before they came and completely empty when they left. I looked in the trash and five toilet paper rolls were laying there. Five rolls of tp used by two people when they were only actually in the house during the two evenings? I thought it was odd.

Then a few days ago, I decided to wash our bedding and after about 15 minutes, discovered our house flooding. We cleaned it up and found the toilets and tubs had water in them too. So we called the septic system pumper guy to come pump it. The next morning when he arrived, we discovered that our septic system was fine, but there was a large blockage of toilet paper at the end of the pipe. He said the pipe was too long and should be cut off four inches or so, because only ‘normal sewage’ could pass, as there is enough room for a regular flushing and its contents to drop down in the tank, even with the pipe being too long, but not enough room for this large clump.

So we thought back and realized the tubs and sinks had seem to drain a little slower since they left and realized that it must have been her sabotaging the place. She was asking questions about our house and we did tell her it was on a septic tank, so she knew. I have no technical proof she did this (and if she didn’t, why the heck so much use of tp?), but how else would five rolls disappear right when they visit, in their bathroom, and then a month later have over $200 worth of problems? Grrr. It’s so passive aggressive.

Has this ever happened to you? Has your BP ever sabotaged you in this way? I’m used to her lying about us, but this has really caught me off guard.

[Up In the Air]

Last time I posted, I was concerned about meeting up with my BPD MIL and FIL after about two years of NC/VLC. I didn’t update right after because it went so strangely well that I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it, though her BPD was clearer to me than it has ever been. Even though it was obvious that certain issues would never be solved, my DH decided (because of the health of aging family members) that it would be best to try to have some sort of base relationship with them.

This means we talk twice a month and will visit each other once a year or so. It’s clear that my MIL is now very aware of how little control she has over us, absolutely no financial control, and you can tell she’s right back to her old business.

But. Recently, a month ago, we allowed them to visit. Last year we moved into a new house and they (primarily his dad) wanted to make the 10 hour drive to see us. They arrived on a Friday evening, stayed Saturday, and left early Sunday morning. Quick trip. There seemed to be no problems except for one: his mother had asked how I was liking our new town and I told her I liked it, but it wasn’t our ‘forever place’ and we knew we’d make another move in the future and that even though it was nice, this small town had taken some getting used to (I grew up in the city). She turned that into “Up In The Air hates it here” and confronted my husband on Saturday when the three of them were sightseeing together (I had to work and couldn’t get anyone to cover me) by telling him that. DH responded, “No, we like it here, but it’s not our forever place.” And she shut up. So she now  knows she can't manipulate use against each other.

Fast forward to the sabotage. After they left, I was cleaning and restocking the guest bath and I have this little toilet paper caddy that holds toilet paper and Kleenex. It was full before they came and completely empty when they left. I looked in the trash and five toilet paper rolls were laying there. Five rolls of tp used by two people when they were only actually in the house during the two evenings? I thought it was odd.

Then a few days ago, I decided to wash our bedding and after about 15 minutes, discovered our house flooding. We cleaned it up and found the toilets and tubs had water in them too. So we called the septic system pumper guy to come pump it. The next morning when he arrived, we discovered that our septic system was fine, but there was a large blockage of toilet paper at the end of the pipe. He said the pipe was too long and should be cut off four inches or so, because only ‘normal sewage’ could pass, as there is enough room for a regular flushing and its contents to drop down in the tank, even with the pipe being too long, but not enough room for this large clump.

So we thought back and realized the tubs and sinks had seem to drain a little slower since they left and realized that it must have been her sabotaging the place. She was asking questions about our house and we did tell her it was on a septic tank, so she knew. I have no technical proof she did this (and if she didn’t, why the heck so much use of tp?), but how else would five rolls disappear right when they visit, in their bathroom, and then a month later have over $200 worth of problems? Grrr. It’s so passive aggressive.

Has this ever happened to you? Has your BP ever sabotaged you in this way? I’m used to her lying about us, but this has really caught me off guard.

[pessim-optimist]

Darn! That must be really frustrating. What does your husband think of that?

I don't have any such experience other than my BPD step-daughter using and braking my stuff with little thought or respect.

We usually find a thing missing or broken every time they visit (a spoon from a set, a pillow-case from a set). I am not sure if this is on purpose or her general chaos, or lack of manners and lack of respect for other people's stuff... .

I put away any expensive items before they visit and only let her use things that aren't too important to me.

I guess next year when they visit, it will be only one TP roll and one little box of Kleenex for them! 

[Panda39]

I guess next year when they visit, it will be only one TP roll and one little box of Kleenex for them!  wink

... .or maybe a hotel 

[Up In the Air]

Ha ha, yes! I told my husband, "Next time she's getting ONE roll of toilet paper!" And my husband goes, "Next time it's a hotel!"

He thinks the same thing as I do. He was the one standing out with the septic guy and saw it all, so I think it sunk in a little better for him. And he and I both agree: it's not really something we can exactly pin on her, but you just know it was her. I think his attitude is kind of like, 'here we go again' but he's also used to her ruining things for him - she's super competitive and doesn't like when good things happen for him.

pessim-optimist, it sounds like you figured out a good way to protect your stuff. It stinks that your step-daughter doesn't respect your things... .frustrating!

[funfunctional]

WOW  Up in the AIR!

YES YES YES... .I believe it was her that did it intentionally and my BPD MIL did things to sabotage my personal belongings.  Maybe we have the same MIL (LOL).

My MIL took the opportunity to be alone in my house and go thru my personal stuff and she put "poo" on my stuff and cut my curling iron cord.     How is that for sicko?  We have been No Contact for over 3 wonderful years.    My husband I have each shut down two BPD people.   

It truly is sick.  I am sorry for your punishment you received for BPD MIL's twisted mind.    So you try to regain contact and she is going to punish passive aggressively now.  I think you know now that she can't be trusted in your home.

Perhaps a nice hotel room if they want to come next time?

Sorry to hear this!

   

[jdtm]

At least you have a valid reason now for your in-laws not being able to stay in your home.  Apparently, your septic system is unable to handle additional people in your home.  LOL   Yup - it will have to be the hotel for future visits (and I might suggest restaurants for meals).

[claudiaduffy]

Oh my fancy Maude, Up In The Air, that is so awful and I can't stop laughing. What a horrific, yet juvenile trick to pull on someone! ... .I could see my uBPDmil doing this, though the worst covert thing she did to me was marking gifts on our online wedding registry as "purchased" because she didn't approve of what we'd registered for and didn't want anyone else buying them for us. The rest of her attacks were more to my face and less behind my back. We're now almost a year NC and don't have any plans to change that, thank goodness. You're a hero for taking this so serenely!

... .also, very glad to hear you and your husband seem to be on the same page with handling them.

[Louise7777]

Up in the air, Im sorry about your situation, but Im also very glad about your husband´s behaviour. In my experience, thats very rare! Usually relatives are in denial their whole lives and take sides with "blood" instead of being fair. So I congratulate you for such a wise choice of a hubby. 

I have a few uBPD relatives (too many, if you ask me) and I have seen somewhat similar behaviours. One offered to help at home doing chores when I was a child and my mom (her sister) had surgery. Long story short, she was ironing some clothes and let it fall on the floor. Of course didnt pay for the repair. Also broke some china. I think that was her passive-aggressive way of saying "next time dont acept my offer to help you".

Also, there´s this bizarre story I shared before: last time she visited us she urinated all over the toilette bowl. It was too much, as if a dog had used the place. I got in the bathroom right after her and was shocked at how aggressive she could be. My mom confronted her and she blamed me (!). She never visited us again and we went NC/ VLC.

Its very childish behaviour, they cant control us so they find the strangest ways to punish/ offend us. Seems to me they cant tolerate other people doing well in life and getting along... .

[coldNheartless]

Wow, Up in the air, that is really something.

The bonus is that is was aggressive enough to make her an unwelcome/ banned visitor.

I had a similar experience, but a different type of sabotaging. MIL visited just before we got engaged last year, and we definitely had love in the air. My guy and I had been together for 5 years, living together for 4 and were getting ready to buy our first house and talking about marriage. She of course had to chime in about how marriage is useless and we shouldn't bother and certainly not to spend ANY money on a wedding. I brushed it off, but that just made her persevere. My guy is her middle child and only son, and he is a prince, very good guy, she thinks that I am not good enough for him.

Anyway, she tell me that his little sisters boyfriend could play the bagpipes at our wedding (this guy is a sniveling snob and cheated on my guy's sister with a prostitute, AND they are staying together, talk about weird relationship stuff), I declined her offer, pointing out that it would be bad luck, she takes major offense and defends the dick.

She becomes even more set on causing trouble. In the middle of the day, we get a call from my guy saying we should all go out to dinner, and he would let me know what time. I had been entertaining her nonstop, as always, going to store after store for her special needs, we even picked a special restaurant because she has to have a "special diet".

So she is sitting in the back yard on the phone while I am waiting for her to get ready for dinner, clearly at dinner time, and when she comes in I say, ok well its time to go to dinner. She says ok, where are we going and what time? And I say, we are going to this special place, and she could get ready but we were going to go nowish and meet my guy there (he was coming from work and dirty and hungry).

She throws a fit, no I am not going. And I tell her, well you have some time if you want to get ready or change clothing, but she won't have it, and she says first that she will meet us at the restaurant. Then when I give her the address she says, no I don't like to go out to eat, that is for YOU people.

I say ok to pretty much everything she wants, its easier than anything else. So I say ok are you sure and she says yes and I go.

I get to the restuarant and she has called my guy and tells him that I snuck out of the house while she was in the bathroom getting ready and left without her. Ludicrous right. Luckily my guy understands, but she has co-opted every chance of having a nice dinner into us talking about and thinking about HER. Then when we get home, I go out to feed our horses and avoid her, hoping if she looking for trouble she will go for my guy (I know its mean, but shes his mother! and I spent ALL day with her). I come in at 9 and she pounces, she gets right up to me and says we need to talk, and I say Im sorry, I am really tired and right now is not a good time, and she says, yes right now. So I follow her into the living room and my guys is in bed already.

Now Iam sitting on my couch and she is standing over me with her arms crossed. She says can you recall what happened tonight,... .oh it just goes on and finally I say, Look i wont be interrogated in my own house, im going to bed. I was pissed.

Then in the morning she pulls the same ___, and I lost it, I told her that I am not her school pupil, or her daughter and she is a guest in this house and not to interrogate me. She left with a big boohoo. I havent heard from her since but I will see her at the wedding when I finally claim her son as mine.

She wanted ever so bad to get us into a fight but he just played it cool and let me have my piece, he watched her go and held my hand, I was supported, but not too vocally.

My guy doesn't acknowledge that his mom has BPD, but he also doesn't play her games. I think after grown up in a house with 3 women he just tunes it out untill it comes to a breaking point.

The sabotage failed, Im sure she will give it a few more trys, hopefully she will do something dramatic enough that we can go NC. I sure don't want her trying her sabotage tricks with my future children, she is psycho.

[jdtm]

I will see her at the wedding when I finally claim her son as mine.

hmmm ... .

[coldNheartless]

jdtm,

"I will see her at the wedding when I finally claim her son as mine."

"hmmm ... ."

I only mean in her eyes, he is detached from her, but she is not.

[Up In the Air]

jdtm, yes! I am pretty darn happy that we now have an excuse for them not staying here. It'll be easier for us to suggest meeting in the middle a state away next time than having them up here!

claudiaduffy - yes, it's hilarious... .and not a small bit ridiculous. I am so pleased with my hubby... .took 4 years to get on the same page, but it makes all the difference. Can't believe your MIL marked up all your registry items... .what a turd! Hooray for NC... .I miss it!

Louise7777 - I am truly blessed that my DH has come around. He now sees so many of her tricks and manipulation even before I do and it makes me feel like he's actually on my side, well, OUR side. I know it hasn't been easy for him to draw so many lines, but I know he feels quite a bit more free. It's amazing how childish BPDs can be, isn't it? I'm so sorry you had to clean up all that urine. Gross!

coldNheartless - I would have been seething if I were you! Oh how fun are those BPD mind games? Sheesh. I'm glad you stood up for yourself in your own home - that's important. I, too, was concerned about our future children and my MIL's behavior. That's one of the reasons why I still continue to do therapy. That way if my MIL wants to pull any legal crap when we do have kids (we don't want her to be alone with our kids) then all I have to do is ask my therapist (who has met her) to show the documents in court and it'll prove our case (at least I hope).

[coldNheartless]

hmm what? is that all you have to say?