No Contact (wow - its working)

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

I see a lot of threads about N/C and the struggles that people are going through.  It took me 3 or 4 attempts until I got to this attempt and I am at 114 days L/C due to our son, letting the solicitor do all the communication now apart from when with therapists, even then I depersonalise the whole experience. 

I still greive the relationship, still miss those good times however I am so thankful for all the bad times and put downs that I no longer have to put up with.  Since starting this and basically giving no emotion she has gone bat sh1t crazy on me with escalation of everything.  Extreames in emotions from all sad mouse like persona to over the top happy mood (obviously just been with supply) is really painful to watch. 

I cant explain it I still care for her, know she is in a lot of pain however also see she has no insight into how I am feeling and coping with all of this.  No insight into what she is putting our son through and no insight into how obvious her actions are.  I confronted mine about the issue and she knows she has it.  Denial was the response apart from at one point in time.  For that one point in time I will never ever approach her with it again as I know she had a mini breakdown so to speak.  I sort of accept that I dont know what im dealing with and dont want to cause that breakdown again.  What kind of person do i want to be, well I dont want to be the persont hat causes her to have that breakdown. 

I sure as hell am not ready to start dating again, I have dipped my toes back in a few times and it just feels wrong.  I never was really someone that would go around and date multiple people or ever pursue people with great vigor.  Now I am in a place where I couldnt care, when someone nice comes along I'll deal with that then and there, not fussed when it is. 

I sort of actually feel sad writting this as well, something that before I wouldnt have expressed.  I know that I will never go back to that kind of a relationship again.  To explain this a bit I am not sad for the loss of the relationship anymore I am sad for what the relationship offered initially and the knowledge that I dont think that was ever realistic.  Facing the facts indeed is a painful process however I am getting stronger from it. 

Hopefully I get through the court process relativly unscathed.  I know she is goign to go crazy on me and has already started doing so with intervention orders etc.  I sort of expected this at some stage so I dont particually feel angry about it either, how detached is that? 

Hopefully others can chip in and share their progress for those just starting off.  I still have good and bad days but as I said, as a whole al lot beter and healthier now that i am distant from the chaos. 


AJJ. 

[Cmjo]

You are doing well, you seem calm and very sure of the way forward, detached too which will help you heal. I understand everything you say, going through it too and wish I could be more detached!

[maxen]

hi Aussie. detaching is painful, it takes time but it takes frankness within oneself to be really effective. i've thought at points during the past year that i've made progress but have been oddly uncomfortable, and the reason is that i'm still covering something. i might not even know what it is. there's lots of good insight in your post.

know she is in a lot of pain however also see she has no insight into how I am feeling and coping with all of this.

my stbxw is pretty spectacularly unable to see how her actions have affected me. for the longest time i wanted her acknowledgement but i no longer feel enmeshed with her callousness. i too faced her with it once and she hyperventilated and ran out of the room - not a breakdown exactly but a bad enough reaction. and that's all she can feel: hurt by others, with no capacity to own her own behaviors.

Hopefully I get through the court process relativly unscathed.  I know she is goign to go crazy on me and has already started doing so with intervention orders etc.  I sort of expected this at some stage so I dont particually feel angry about it either, how detached is that?

that's pretty detached! great work!

[Mutt]

Hi Aussie JJ,

I'm happy to hear your detachment is moving along quite well   The road has it's bumps and it's not perfect. It takes time.

It's hard to watch a loved one have intense reactions.

Since starting this and basically giving no emotion she has gone bat sh1t crazy on me with escalation of everything.  Extreames in emotions from all sad mouse like persona to over the top happy mood (obviously just been with supply) is really painful to watch.

She's getting the picture Aussie JJ. She knows you mean business. I think you said she's high functioning? Whatever works in your favor in court. She has two sides Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

Don't worry about her emotional state. Ex made her bed, let her lay in it. Your S is #1. Keep going.

[Blimblam]

Hey ajj

It sounds like you made a lot of progress. Nc has really helped me a lot and I can relate to the sadness. An emotional vocabulary to explain this is not something i posses or know if it exists as people exerperiemce emotions subjectively. I suppose it's like the range of colors there are so many possible shades of blue. I think I can relate though. It's like we have to experience each shade of the same emotion and experience the entire spectrum. I just want you to know there's nothing to be ashamed of feeling "down" or depressed. I often struggle between wanting to be in a different state of conciousness to accepting the one I am in.  There is beauty in tragedy finding the beauty in it is the struggle.

Keep going

[Aussie JJ]

Thanks all,

Thing is I actually dont think I am detached, I think it is starting in ernst now.  I still feel connected to her and miss her at time I just recognise that it is a idea I was in love with not an actual whole person.  There are things I still walk on eggshells over, dont want to initiate a rage from her or a meltdown around our son.  I know the buttons to push so make sure I dont push them. 

I've slackened off a bit on some of my excercise and decided to fully commit 100% to workign out like a donkey again.  Summers coming up here and if I commit 100 % I will be semi fit again for the beach and can enjoy life again in that respect. 

I dont know how they jump form one relationship to the next so quickly, for me I dont actually want to start another one just yet.  Get through this, finish court if it happens it happens but im looking after myself at the moment concentrating on that and being a bit selfish.  Dont want to care for someone else.  Sounds quite self centred however I have always been outgoign and caring for others so tryign to change that side a bit. 


AJJ.