How do you talk about your FOO?

[aubin]

After breaking up with my BPDexgf a few years ago and then purging my life of some toxic "friends," I've finally started slowly making some new friends recently. The friendships have been pretty casual -- getting together for simple things like a short hike or grabbing a cup of coffee or playdates for the kids. I like the people I'm starting to meet and want to eventually develop good friendships with them. The problem is how to talk about my highly toxic family of origin (I've been VLC with my mother for over a year). Especially with the winter holidays approaching and everyone talking about what family members they may go visit or who may come to visit them. I'm getting nervous about how to answer the inevitable questions about why we (my own family) are not seeing any of my FOO over the holidays. I don't want to have any conversation about it at all. But I'm not sure how to do that without sounding like an ___.

[hope2727]

I know exactly what you are talking about. I am pretty much estranged from my FOO and I find it peaceful that way. I try to be available to my nieces and nephews so that if they can no longer deal with their parents ( my siblings) they at least have some other kind of example to compare to. When people ask about my holiday plans I just say I don't have any as yet (true). When they ask about my FOO I tell them "we are not close" and leave it at that. I know its not a perfect solution but its all I have.

Once I went on a Christmas cruise and that was fun. Once I painted my house at Christmas. Once I had a scrapbooking marathon over the holidays. This year I don't know what I am going to do. I may paint the bathroom. Exciting I know. I may pick up extra shifts and drink to much wine. Who knows.

I hope you find something wonderful to do for yourself. And as for other people just ask them lots of questions about their plans. People love to talk about themselves.

Hugs 

[Panda39]

You could just say "I don't have any plans this year".  Maybe you'll even get an invite for some Turkey at a new friend's Thanksgiving dinner. 

[Harri]

I think leaving it at "we are not close" like Hope mentioned is a good way to deal with it.  Sometimes, depending on the friend, you can say "it's complicated" and smile and roll your eyes a bit.  I used both in the past and they worked just fine.  Most people will get the signal to not probe further and will understand.  Details are not necessary nor are they appropriate (IMO).  If you feel tense and nervous about it, it will be evident in your tone and facial expression so practice saying the words out loud and with a wry smile. 

I was always thankful that I had a very small family as there were fewer questions to deal with.  Friends and co-workers were the ones I used the above lines on.   

[aubin]

Practicing a light-hearted delivery is a good idea Harri. i tend to over explain things and instead need some short and crisp one-liners. We host a couple of holiday gatherings for friends each year and last year I was unprepared for the questions about family.and shared more than I should have.  Very awkward.

[Trollvaaken]

My strategy has always been to ask people a bunch of questions about themselves until eventually, one of us has to leave or the topic changes to something else. I think being vague and light-hearted is good too, especially with people who are just acquaintances. Then again, there is always the white lie, you could say your parents are spending the holidays abroad this year or something like that. If your friendship with the person deepens, I don't think they will resent you for telling them a white lie.

I have opened up a lot to a friend who has been through a similar experience, but I only just slowly opened up this summer to one of my best friends from high school.

Last winter, I was the assistant of this woman who openly spoke to me about her dysfunctional childhood. I found it a little odd as I don't really discuss mine openly with friends, let-alone co-workers, but I guess whatever floats your boat. I especially didn't want to discuss it because she knows my mother too.

[Daliah]

I'm direct about it these days, but I also didn't start out that way.

Depending on how tactfully the question is put to me, I'll either say that we aren't in touch or that my FOO are toxic people that I need to avoid. So far I've been lucky and people have always let it go after that. But I know from other things in my life that sometimes people just won't accept your reply - or your stance, really - and refuse to drop the subject. But in that case, it is those other people being rude, not you. I've later told a few people a few more details once I knew them better, and it hasn't been a problem so far.

Strangely, it was friends from before I broke off contact with my FOO who had a harder time accepting that I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night from then on, even though they should have known better. I don't know why that was. Perhaps they needed me to constantly be on edge because they had their own issues? Not that I detected them while I knew them, though. Some of those friendships have now lapsed.

I've actually found the questions about closeness with my FOO a semi-decent barometer of whether someone is going to accept me for who I am or whether they'll need me to fit preconceived notions.

[claudiaduffy]

If someone asks outright if we'll be seeing family, I usually say something like, "Actually, we are unable to visit/be with/interact with our parents because of abusive behavior patterns that are unresolved, but we have other holiday plans we'll enjoy... ." I haven't had much problem with folks making unfair assumptions or unwanted advice after that, though occasionally I'll have to say, "Yes, we wish it could be different, but our choices are aligned with advice we've received from health professionals, law enforcement and spiritual leaders." and that shuts them up.  I don't go into detail with people, but I like being brief, cheerful, and up-front - partially because I guess some folks might need a good example of others daring to choose their own path and stay away from insanity!