Update

[willy45]

Hi All,

I just wanted to update you guys. It has been a while since I've been on the site and I want to thank you all so much for all your loving and caring support. It has been amazing.

A lot has happened in my life over the past few weeks. The girl I was seeing left. She was living with me. She left. It hurt pretty bad for about a week. But then something strange happened... .I stopped obsessing about my uBPDx. It was like 'poof'. Gone. She has even emailed me since and it didn't have any impact on me whatsoever. A small pang here and there. But really, nothing. I think what I was lacking with the girl I was with became this huge thing that I projected onto my uBPDx (the excitement, the thrill, the sex... .you guys all know the drill... .). I didn't have any of these things with this other woman. She was kind (most of the time) and certainly didn't rage at me in the middle of the night which was a nice change of pace. But there wasn't much chemistry and things were pretty flat.

I was devasted when she left. But then I realized... .I have been living for other people for way too long. Now its my turn to live for myself. Went out and did some really fun things. Went to a gay dance party (I'm not gay) with a few gay friends and had a total riot. Went to some music shows. Got some business things going. Super fun. I hadn't had fun in years. I forgot what it felt like. Now that I'm having fun, my uBPDx is kind of gone from my mind. No pull whatsoever. I haven't been even checking these boards (something I would do pretty much all the time before).

The lesson learned:

Whatever obsession I had about my uBPDx had nothing to do with her. It had to do with me and how unhappy I was in my situation. There are many reasons why the woman I was with was great. But also many, many reasons why it just wasn't going to work. Just having someone not rage at you and do nice things from time to time shouldn't be a reason to be with them. I deserve much more. I deserve to be happy.

For all of you struggling out there, hear this: Work on making your life better. Whatever longing or obsession you have or are dealing with really has nothing to do with your ex. It has to do with not being happy with where you are in life. And yes. Where you are in life might be a result of having been with a BPD. But you are where you are. If you are on this board, you are now free. And you can start doing things to make your life better. It might suck. It might not feel great at first. You might not notice any changes. But they will come. The steps you take now will directly impact where you are in the future. The choices you make today will be directly reflected in the life you will have in the future. Start something. Anything. Even if it sounds stupid or ridiculous. Start something new.

I remember 2 years ago. I was fresh off my break up with uBPD. I was a mess. A complete and total mess. Massive, massive depression. I couldn't see straight. But, I started stuff. I had to. It was a matter of life and death. I had never written a TV show before but always wanted to. So, I did. Stupid idea, right? Well, I just got funding for a pilot episode. I wanted to work in a particular field for the US federal government (I'm not even American) and so I started to work on it anyways. Stupid idea, right? Well, I have massive contracts with the US federal government now to do exactly what I started. And now that the woman I was with has left, instead of being devastated and obsessing over my uBPD, both are gone. Compeletly. Doesn't really bother me at all. So weird! Now I feel like I can direct my life. The barriers that were there are gone. I don't have to deal with anyone dragging me down. And I can enjoy the fruits of the things I started when I was in a deathly bad depression where I felt like I was drowning.

You all can do this. It seriously feels awesome. I feel free. Life is fun again. Like, really, really fun. So many awesome places to go, amazing people to meet. Once you get over the nutter you were with, you will see that too as long as you take some steps to make your life better. Start something new. Start something you think is just totally stupid or something you have always wanted to do but never had the time or energy. Do it. And jump in. It doesn't matter how it turns out. You will never get anywhere without taking a step. And trust me, you have no idea where that step will take you. Just know, that that step is going to take you away from where you are now. And that's all you need to know. Because being in that place of despair sucks. It distorts everything. Take a step to get out. And that step is doing something for you. Anything.

Thanks again everyone. Who knows if I will be back. Hopefully not. You never know if I will get sucked into the nutty again. But thank you all for all your support. You have been awesome. I may have lost a woman i cared for deeply but I gained myself. And, I didn't get sucked back into a horrible abusive relationship I was with my uBPDx. And I can only thank you all for that.

Best.

[anxiety5]

Hi All,

I just wanted to update you guys. It has been a while since I've been on the site and I want to thank you all so much for all your loving and caring support. It has been amazing.

A lot has happened in my life over the past few weeks. The girl I was seeing left. She was living with me. She left. It hurt pretty bad for about a week. But then something strange happened... .I stopped obsessing about my uBPDx. It was like 'poof'. Gone. She has even emailed me since and it didn't have any impact on me whatsoever. A small pang here and there. But really, nothing. I think what I was lacking with the girl I was with became this huge thing that I projected onto my uBPDx (the excitement, the thrill, the sex... .you guys all know the drill... .). I didn't have any of these things with this other woman. She was kind (most of the time) and certainly didn't rage at me in the middle of the night which was a nice change of pace. But there wasn't much chemistry and things were pretty flat.

I was devasted when she left. But then I realized... .I have been living for other people for way too long. Now its my turn to live for myself. Went out and did some really fun things. Went to a gay dance party (I'm not gay) with a few gay friends and had a total riot. Went to some music shows. Got some business things going. Super fun. I hadn't had fun in years. I forgot what it felt like. Now that I'm having fun, my uBPDx is kind of gone from my mind. No pull whatsoever. I haven't been even checking these boards (something I would do pretty much all the time before).

The lesson learned:

Whatever obsession I had about my uBPDx had nothing to do with her. It had to do with me and how unhappy I was in my situation. There are many reasons why the woman I was with was great. But also many, many reasons why it just wasn't going to work. Just having someone not rage at you and do nice things from time to time shouldn't be a reason to be with them. I deserve much more. I deserve to be happy.

For all of you struggling out there, hear this: Work on making your life better. Whatever longing or obsession you have or are dealing with really has nothing to do with your ex. It has to do with not being happy with where you are in life. And yes. Where you are in life might be a result of having been with a BPD. But you are where you are. If you are on this board, you are now free. And you can start doing things to make your life better. It might suck. It might not feel great at first. You might not notice any changes. But they will come. The steps you take now will directly impact where you are in the future. The choices you make today will be directly reflected in the life you will have in the future. Start something. Anything. Even if it sounds stupid or ridiculous. Start something new.

I remember 2 years ago. I was fresh off my break up with uBPD. I was a mess. A complete and total mess. Massive, massive depression. I couldn't see straight. But, I started stuff. I had to. It was a matter of life and death. I had never written a TV show before but always wanted to. So, I did. Stupid idea, right? Well, I just got funding for a pilot episode. I wanted to work in a particular field for the US federal government (I'm not even American) and so I started to work on it anyways. Stupid idea, right? Well, I have massive contracts with the US federal government now to do exactly what I started. And now that the woman I was with has left, instead of being devastated and obsessing over my uBPD, both are gone. Compeletly. Doesn't really bother me at all. So weird! Now I feel like I can direct my life. The barriers that were there are gone. I don't have to deal with anyone dragging me down. And I can enjoy the fruits of the things I started when I was in a deathly bad depression where I felt like I was drowning.

You all can do this. It seriously feels awesome. I feel free. Life is fun again. Like, really, really fun. So many awesome places to go, amazing people to meet. Once you get over the nutter you were with, you will see that too as long as you take some steps to make your life better. Start something new. Start something you think is just totally stupid or something you have always wanted to do but never had the time or energy. Do it. And jump in. It doesn't matter how it turns out. You will never get anywhere without taking a step. And trust me, you have no idea where that step will take you. Just know, that that step is going to take you away from where you are now. And that's all you need to know. Because being in that place of despair sucks. It distorts everything. Take a step to get out. And that step is doing something for you. Anything.

Thanks again everyone. Who knows if I will be back. Hopefully not. You never know if I will get sucked into the nutty again. But thank you all for all your support. You have been awesome. I may have lost a woman i cared for deeply but I gained myself. And, I didn't get sucked back into a horrible abusive relationship I was with my uBPDx. And I can only thank you all for that.

Best.

First let me say congratulations for breaking free from her emotional prison. And second for sharing it on here with us. I have been posting a lot recently having been blessed with "awareness" that NOTHING will change (my obsession with my failed relationship) or (my future relationships) until personal self worth and self esteem issues are first addressed. That's it. That's the answer. I'm absolutely positive. Healthy people don't ruminate over losing someone who is abusive. They would never even date them to begin with. What's more, the abusers and their "intuitive" ability, wouldn't want anything to do with someone who didn't make their emotional self worth deficit radar ping, to begin with. It's the answer to everything that plagues us. I'm just beginning this journey, but the awareness alone has lifted all the suffocating negativity of failure, of loss. I was a host, she was a parasite. I was targeted because of my insecurities, I tolerated the abuse because of my insecurities, and the whole reason I was attracted to her in the first place was because my inner deficits of self worth were made whole by someone who told me so many great things about myself and placed me on a pedestal during the honeymoon/seduction phase. 

Everyone who has read these posts kind of has a moment of clarity. A moment they can take a breath and relax a bit. The answer is finally there. I know I would be very interested in hearing your continued journey to happiness. Perhaps you could share on here again with updates some of the road blocks you have or may hit, and things you began to consider, contemplate and put into action that resulted in real strength to your self worth and self esteem. I know these terms are often cliche and generalized. It's not as simple as just telling yourself you deserve better. It's a matter of heart, not brain. Sometimes the heart can be a bit harder to reach. I know I would certainly enjoy reading your experiences and I'm sure the other members as well as me could use all the experiences you're willing to share, moving forward about ways you began to build a whole sense of self.

Glad you are healing. The road to happiness is there for all of us to chose. I'm happy to see you have found the strength and awareness to put yourself first and take the road to a great future.

[willy45]

Thanks for the kind words.

For me, the biggest thing has been boundaries and tapping into anger as a way to make those boundaries. I had very poor boundaries. And this caused an enormous amount of anxiety for me and is what kept me stuck in the r/s and kept me stuck in terms of continuing to communicate with my ex and letting it affect me.

I also thought I could control the outcome by controlling her feelings and thoughts. This, as we all know, is totally futile. Looking at myself and acknowledging that I am not that powerful has been incredibly humbling but also incredibly liberating. I can only control myself and I can only control how I react.

I'll keep posting I'm sure. Thanks for the kind words though. There is another side of the tunnel everyone.

[Mutt]

Bravo on the TV pilot and Gov't contracts willy45  I'm happy to hear you're feeling better and things are looking up. Onward and upward.

[Rifka]

Congrats Willy! So happy for you!

RIFKA

[NorthLight]

Good for you mate! 

Very inspiring to hear

I think I have just reached the stage were i realize that i don't miss HER as much as i miss the FEELING of being with her - Which means I need to "find" that good feeling, by myself

I realized it by thinking why would i miss her?

- depression? anxiety? lazy as f. black / white thinking all the day. So many exBFs, all which she dumped, which keeps contacting her. Dumped me out of the blue. Replaced me right away. ST me ever since she dumped me for no reason, so ice cold!

So maybe i don't miss her - I miss being happy, i miss feeling important and miss believing in faith, believing that everything happens for a reason, and that my life has a purpose. Miss feeling loved.

So i no longer care so much how she betrayed me and what she is doing right now. I have now, 4 months after being dumped started to focus much more on myself and how to find the "reason to live" and be happy - I don't know how to get there yet, but at least now i know SHE is not the answer, because my ex, she's just an unstable girl i never truly knew before it was too late.