Remembering idealization... downhill from there. Acceptance.

So i started thinking about when we first started living together. I was homeless at the time when we met. She took me in right away. Everything was perfect. I was actually sick from being outside in the cold so long. Had bronchitis. She took care of me. After our first night together she left me a note the sweetest thing a girl ever wrote me. I finally felt special. I felt loved. She brought me home soup and tea and took care me. Nursed me back to health. No one ever took care of me like that. She spoiled me since it was a little past Christmas with a whole new wardrobe from her work. Treated me like a prince. Adored me. It was to good to be true. That was the first and last time she really took care of me. After that i nursed her back to health. Payed for all her food, the clothes she wanted. I spent almost a $1000 on food and her "needs" by the end of the month. Then the relationship for the remainder of the time followed suite. Rescuing her from various maladies. Cooking her dinner all the time. Serving it to her in her bed. Always up and down the stairs for her needs. And heaven forbid if i forgot a drink! Which was always apple juice because thats all she ever drinks like a small child. Water was "boring" and "gross" except on the rare occasions shed mirror me and drink water to feel "healthy". If i didnt rub her back when she wanted i was a "bad" boyfriend. And if i asked her to reciprocate shed just give me some lecture about how i never rubbed hers.*gaslighting* Then the one time she did it was until i fell asleep with her in my arms which was another of those perfect moments. Of course she had to ruin it in the morning by demanding i rub her back as soon as i woke up. All just a manipulation to get something out of me... i mean why should i ever have expected a perfect moment without strings attached. There had been strings attached since day one. This is the sad reality of my relationship that has kept me strong. It kept me from recycling this last time because i cant handle to have my heart broken again. Nor do i deserve it! Of course shes playing the victim. Im the mean ex bf that wouldnt take her back. Nothings changed. Nothing will. Not until she gets help and ive come to terms that shes too low functioning and able to rely on her looks to see a need for change. I tried to be her lover. I tried to be her friend. Nothing was ever good enough. When she had one she wanted the other. Did she care when my uncle died and i needed her to come to the calling hours that i went to alone... or the when i finally realized my FOO issues and core trauma and almost had a mental breakdown. The answer is no to both and even more disheartening tried to make it MORE about her. Worked more, went out with "friends" more, and slept more. And the little support she did show well lets just say with how "fake" and "rehearsed" it seemed it just made me feel worse i felt more alone in what i was going through. And yet i still dont blame her. How can i expect i child to deal with death and trauma when shes experienced both and just buries it. Children arent meant to process such things. "All i can do is forgive your broken heart." The Mars Volta - Empty Vessels Make The Loudest Sound



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