Coping with gaslighting?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I spoke to my uBPDbf on the phone yesterday.  I wrote a couple of posts on how he is trying to get me to move to Utah to be with him.  I told him no via text two weeks ago.  He replied, he understood and would not want me to give everything up and he would not mention me moving again.   He asked again a week ago and I said no over the phone.

Yesterday,  he tried a new tactic, gaslighting.  He said he "gave everything up," to move out here and be with me.  I was really upset when he was saying this on the phone, but I knew that was so far from the truth.  Before he moved here, he lived with his parents, had a crappy job, was not in school, and did not have friends.  Then the gaslighting grew in to more distortions of what actually happened when he was here.  I pushed him away and it was always about me.  Things never happened, when the actually did. etc.

I really wanted to tell him what he was saying was so far from the truth.  I did not say anything because, I did not know what to do.  His voice was so full of disgust and hate, I did not think SET would even be helpful. He still has not seen his psychiatrist yet and will not until Novemeber 5th.  How do you really cope with this? 

[EaglesJuju]

I spoke to my uBPDbf on the phone yesterday.  I wrote a couple of posts on how he is trying to get me to move to Utah to be with him.  I told him no via text two weeks ago.  He replied, he understood and would not want me to give everything up and he would not mention me moving again.   He asked again a week ago and I said no over the phone.

Yesterday,  he tried a new tactic, gaslighting.  He said he "gave everything up," to move out here and be with me.  I was really upset when he was saying this on the phone, but I knew that was so far from the truth.  Before he moved here, he lived with his parents, had a crappy job, was not in school, and did not have friends.  Then the gaslighting grew in to more distortions of what actually happened when he was here.  I pushed him away and it was always about me.  Things never happened, when the actually did. etc.

I really wanted to tell him what he was saying was so far from the truth.  I did not say anything because, I did not know what to do.  His voice was so full of disgust and hate, I did not think SET would even be helpful. He still has not seen his psychiatrist yet and will not until Novemeber 5th.  How do you really cope with this? 

[refusetosuccumb]

I journal so that I dont have to constantly think about it.

I left mine 6 months ago and he still gaslights me. But I know the truth and that has to be good enough for me.

[nightmoves]

This has happened to me for too many years to admit.

I LOVE the suggestion from Refusetosuccmb.

I have often had the urge to document or journal - so that I could hold onto my sanity.

But - seeing her suggestion showcases another great reason... .so as to put it down ... .in a place... .and let it go.

It will drive you CRAZY... .

[EaglesJuju]

This has happened to me for too many years to admit.

I LOVE the suggestion from Refusetosuccmb.

I have often had the urge to document or journal - so that I could hold onto my sanity.

But - seeing her suggestion showcases another great reason... .so as to put it down ... .in a place... .and let it go.

It will drive you CRAZY... .

I have been writing in a journal for awhile and I keep all of our text conversations, just so I know what "reality" is.  I know where his gaslighting can lead to.  I was spiraling down that vortex a year and a half ago and it was truly awful.  Since this is his new "tactic," I do not know whether I should say something or just ignore it. 

[Skip]

It's not gas lighting.  First, because gaslighting refers to a premeditated and symptomatic system of selling someone on a false reality using third parties and other (e.g. mechanical) proof sources - an intricate con.  Second, because the concept of gaslighting is urban legend / junk psychology. It's like the 3 second rule for food that drops on the floor.    

He is guilting you.  Its the adult version of ""But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part -- the "controller" and the "controlled".

For the controller, the role is having dysfunctional psychological defenses and coping mechanisms.  For the controlled, the role is providing an enabling reaction to these dysfunctional reactions.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I think the best way to deal with might be SET.  And as always, crafting a solid "E" is the challenge.

S: Taylor, I want this to work for us.

E: Your point is valid - that working on this together in the same town has a lot of advantages.

T:  As much as I care for you, and it is a lot, I cannot give my life and move to Utah for a relationship that is not on a more steady foundation. I need us to be their first.

As for "gave everything up to move out here and be with me"... .maybe just a "thats not reason enough for anyone to move".

Don't return the volley, don't be the enabler in a FOG transaction, don't get emotionally caught up in these things. See it for what it is. Harmless as long as you don't let in guilt you.

"But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

"Wow, thats really nice of her.  Wish I could afford to do that"

[EaglesJuju]

It's not gas lighting.  First, because gaslighting refers to a premeditated and symptomatic system of selling someone on a false reality using third parties and other (e.g. mechanical) proof sources - an intricate con.  Second, because the concept of gaslighting is urban legend / junk psychology. It's like the 3 second rule for food that drops on the floor.    

He is guilting you.  Its the adult version of ""But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part -- the "controller" and the "controlled".

For the controller, the role is having dysfunctional psychological defenses and coping mechanisms.  For the controlled, the role is providing an enabling reaction to these dysfunctional reactions.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I think the best way to deal with might be SET.  And as always, crafting a solid "E" is the challenge.

S: Taylor, I want this to work for us.

E: Your point is valid - that working on this together in the same town has a lot of advantages.

T:  As much as I care for you, and it is a lot, I cannot give my life and move to Utah for a relationship that is not on a more steady foundation. I need us to be their first.

As for "gave everything up to move out here and be with me"... .maybe just a "thats not reason enough for anyone to move".



Don't return the volley, don't be the enabler in a FOG transaction, don't get emotionally caught up in these things. See it for what it is. Harmless as long as you don't let in guilt you.

"But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

"Wow, thats really nice of her.  Wish I could afford to do that"

Thank you for the clarification   I was am unsure what you mean by the statement I bolded.  I am assuming not enabling FOG will result in some bad behavior for awhile?

[enlighten me]

I agree with skip that what we perceive as gaslighting is something different. It is their version of reality. Where we see them contradicting themselves they dont actually see it. I believe that they truly believe what they said was right and that we got it wrong. I started writinv everything on my phone from dates to shopping lists as I was sick of being told I hadnt remembered something that I was supposed  to haave been told.

[Skip]

It's not gas lighting.  First, because gaslighting refers to a premeditated and symptomatic system of selling someone on a false reality using third parties and other (e.g. mechanical) proof sources - an intricate con.  Second, because the concept of gaslighting is urban legend / junk psychology. It's like the 3 second rule for food that drops on the floor.    

He is guilting you.  Its the adult version of ""But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part -- the "controller" and the "controlled".

For the controller, the role is having dysfunctional psychological defenses and coping mechanisms.  For the controlled, the role is providing an enabling reaction to these dysfunctional reactions.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I think the best way to deal with might be SET.  And as always, crafting a solid "E" is the challenge.

S: Taylor, I want this to work for us.

E: Your point is valid - that working on this together in the same town has a lot of advantages.

T:  As much as I care for you, and it is a lot, I cannot give my life and move to Utah for a relationship that is not on a more steady foundation. I need us to be their first.

As for "gave everything up to move out here and be with me"... .maybe just a "thats not reason enough for anyone to move".



Don't return the volley, don't be the enabler in a FOG transaction, don't get emotionally caught up in these things. See it for what it is. Harmless as long as you don't let in guilt you.

"But, Stacy's mom bought her an iPhone"

"Wow, thats really nice of her.  Wish I could afford to do that"

Thank you for the clarification   I was am unsure what you mean by the statement I bolded.  I am assuming not enabling FOG will result in some bad behavior for awhile?

With FOG, its best to neutralize the transaction... .

When he says: "gave everything up to move out here and be with me"

You say:"thats not reason enough for anyone to move"

This is easier that arguing the validity of the his statement.

When he says: "I will cut my finger off"

You say:"I need you to go to the emergency room and tell them you feel like self injury"

Don't go into a guilt (or fear or obligation) mode.