Why do we hold on, when they've let us go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Abandonment Depression

Benign Narcissism

Co-dependency

Trauma bonding

Over the last few months on this forum, I've come to understand how my FOO issues lead to my fixer/rescuer/white knight tendencies, & landed me in a BPD relationship.

I've been to therapy & worked on separating my sense of self-worth from this r/s: ie just because the r/s failed, it doesn't mean I'm unlovable or a failure. (Which is how I felt immediately after it ended.)

I've started living again, started having fun, spending quality time with my kids, making new friends, flirting with random women, just for the heck of it.

Can't say I'm ready to date again... .but I'm beginning to feel normal where for a while I forgot what normal was.

I'm thinking less about my ex, almost blocking her out of my consciousness at times, which is difficult because we work in the same place.

Yet there are times when I feel maybe I'm the sick one.

I'm still (less frequently) obsessing about her, hating her, wishing my replacement(s) gives her some awful, very itchy, venereal disease... .

She's completely moved on. Apparently happy and getting on merrily with her dramatic life.

It's been 8 months now.

I should be over this. Yes its been painful: we have 2 kids & we work together.       

But I'm like a distant fuzzy memory to her, if that. Why is she still looming so large in my consciousness?

I come to this site everytime the sadness overtakes me. Reading about other people's similiar situations makes it better, knowing someone else 'gets it' makes it a little better.   

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

[Vitto18]

Abandonment Depression

Benign Narcissism

Co-dependency

Trauma bonding

Over the last few months on this forum, I've come to understand how my FOO issues lead to my fixer/rescuer/white knight tendencies, & landed me in a BPD relationship.

I've been to therapy & worked on separating my sense of self-worth from this r/s: ie just because the r/s failed, it doesn't mean I'm unlovable or a failure. (Which is how I felt immediately after it ended.)

I've started living again, started having fun, spending quality time with my kids, making new friends, flirting with random women, just for the heck of it.

Can't say I'm ready to date again... .but I'm beginning to feel normal where for a while I forgot what normal was.

I'm thinking less about my ex, almost blocking her out of my consciousness at times, which is difficult because we work in the same place.

Yet there are times when I feel maybe I'm the sick one.

I'm still (less frequently) obsessing about her, hating her, wishing my replacement(s) gives her some awful, very itchy, venereal disease... .

She's completely moved on. Apparently happy and getting on merrily with her dramatic life.

It's been 8 months now.

I should be over this. Yes its been painful: we have 2 kids & we work together.       

But I'm like a distant fuzzy memory to her, if that. Why is she still looming so large in my consciousness?

I come to this site everytime the sadness overtakes me. Reading about other people's similiar situations makes it better, knowing someone else 'gets it' makes it a little better.   

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

[Hawk Ridge]

Do you really think they are happy in their new relationship? I think for a time they are but then I think they must do the same thing to them, the cycling, the evaluation/devaluation, the shame.  Sometimes it helps me feel less shame and less attachment to remember that as I struggle mightily with the same issues you describe.  I want to just wake up and have one days where she is not in my thoughts.

[antonio1213]

It has only been a month for me since we broke up and since NC. I like to think of people with Bpd as ringing out people like a sponge until they get every last drop of water out of them. Than when they see thats all they have to offer they move to the next fully soaked sponge until that one is rung out. Of course water in this metaphor is love, and attention.

They are able to switch from person to person so fast because thats where they think they can get their new supply of love and attention. I saw it with my exBPDgf during our last week together. She was a very very attractive girl. I told her that all the time, she told me when I say that all the time it doesn't mean anything. She started talking to other guys. One of them was a really nice guy who called her a "perfect female". I got mad but she said he was just being nice. Even though she was in a relationship with me she was obsessed with her image on her social media websites and all that.

I guess what I am trying to get at is this, they move to were the newest and most love is. They are attention seeking, selfish and have learned how to split people. It is a defense mechanism that was ingrained in them since they were young. They live in the moment. When that moment starts to go dull they jump to the next exciting moment. That is pretty much exactly what happened with me and my exBPDgf.

That is why thy let us go so fast. They actually don't even truly face what they have done because their brain splits us so it doesn't let them, and they jump into a relationship soon after. They can't face what they have done.

And the reason we hold on is simple: we are human. A normal loving human that goes through a crazy ass emotional relationship. We feel attachment and love, they do too but on a different level. You are only human for having trouble letting go.

[guy4caligirl]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

[Mutt]

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

It takes a month for every year of the relationship to grieve and double that if you where in a r/s with a PD but it's really different for everyone.

Some people get into another relationship for different reasons but it can be to cope from having to grieve the r/s.

You can detach as you work through the lessons. I have kids as well. It must be difficult to work with your ex.

Do you feel like you're stuck in your detachment?

[guy4caligirl]

Abandonment Depression

Benign Narcissism

Co-dependency

Trauma bonding

Over the last few months on this forum, I've come to understand how my FOO issues lead to my fixer/rescuer/white knight tendencies, & landed me in a BPD relationship.

I've been to therapy & worked on separating my sense of self-worth from this r/s: ie just because the r/s failed, it doesn't mean I'm unlovable or a failure. (Which is how I felt immediately after it ended.)

I've started living again, started having fun, spending quality time with my kids, making new friends, flirting with random women, just for the heck of it.

Can't say I'm ready to date again... .but I'm beginning to feel normal where for a while I forgot what normal was.

I'm thinking less about my ex, almost blocking her out of my consciousness at times, which is difficult because we work in the same place.

Yet there are times when I feel maybe I'm the sick one.

I'm still (less frequently) obsessing about her, hating her, wishing my replacement(s) gives her some awful, very itchy, venereal disease... .

She's completely moved on. Apparently happy and getting on merrily with her dramatic life.

It's been 8 months now.

I should be over this. Yes its been painful: we have 2 kids & we work together.       

But I'm like a distant fuzzy memory to her, if that. Why is she still looming so large in my consciousness?

I come to this site everytime the sadness overtakes me. Reading about other people's similiar situations makes it better, knowing someone else 'gets it' makes it a little better.   

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

OH yeah ,I come here every time I feel the urge to call her and tell her again how much I love her , but that's not going to do anything she knows I do ,I keep hopping she will miss me and wake up I spent 5 years with her , yes it was bad but I love her like all of you , and I can't wait either to get over her or recycle I don't care do you guys think that there are healthier girls out there it might be but how about this amazing chemistry that we all have towards them isn't that incredible

[guy4caligirl]

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

It takes a month for every year of the relationship to grieve and double that if you where in a r/s with a PD but it's really different for everyone.

Some people get into another relationship for different reasons but it can be to cope from having to grieve the r/s.

You can detach as you work through the lessons. I have kids as well. It must be difficult to work with your ex.

Do you feel like you're stuck in your detachment?


Yes I do she made it clear that she is not going back she said she can't but I am still hoping that she would

[Mutt]

Yes I do she made it clear that she is not going back she said she can't but I am still hoping that she would

I understand.

What are you feeling?

Do you have anxiety, fears, unhappiness, loneliness without her?

[guy4caligirl]

When does it really get better though?

How long does it take to detach?

Does getting into another r/s make it better?

Does moving away from them physically make it better?

It takes a month for every year of the relationship to grieve and double that if you where in a r/s with a PD but it's really different for everyone.

Some people get into another relationship for different reasons but it can be to cope from having to grieve the r/s.

You can detach as you work through the lessons. I have kids as well. It must be difficult to work with your ex.

Do you feel like you're stuck in your detachment?


Yes I do she made it clear that she is not going back she said she can't but I am still hoping that she would

OI am in the same boat with you Mine said the same thing she Can't why do you they say that , right after she said I miss your voice ?

[antonio1213]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

Yeah I feel you. I was such a mess when she first left me. I was crying and really messed up. People around me didn't understand it isn't a normal breakup, nor was it a normal relationship. there was SOO much emotion involved on so many levels. It is a crazy roller coaster and normally leaves non BPDs pretty messed up when it is over. I suffer every day too. I feel a lot better now, but this stuff messes with your head. What really messed me up is when I went to speak to a therapist and she said that my ex never really loved me because she can't love herself, so she loved me the best she could. Even right now my ex is out having fun probably doing god knows what, and I am sitting here feeling like ___.

Its fine for men to cry or break down. Just let it out. Being on here helps me out a lot and researching this disorder helps me out too.

BPD people aren't evil. Well at least thats what I believe. They just don't view the world the same way nor can they process things in a healthy way. Because I don't think any "normal" human could do the things these people do if they saw what they did like we do.

[myself]

Sometimes we're scared to really believe in ourselves.

Our exes were mirrors for us, too. That was us. It still is.

Most of us are still involved, it's just different now.

[fred6]

Do you really think they are happy in their new relationship? I think for a time they are but then I think they must do the same thing to them, the cycling, the evaluation/devaluation, the shame.  Sometimes it helps me feel less shame and less attachment to remember that as I struggle mightily with the same issues you describe.  I want to just wake up and have one days where she is not in my thoughts.

See that's a lot of our issues here. Most of us have ex's that are undiagnosed. We don't actually know that they are BPD. That's why I struggle and wonder if there is something wrong with me. I kind of went through this with my ex wife, it was hard. We were together for almost 15 years. But this seems so much harder. Why is that? Is it just because it's the most recent and fresh on the mind or is it because I'm a fruitcake?

[peiper]

Because we were genuine about our feelings. Their feelings are fleeting.

[Caredverymuch]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

I feel a lot better now, but this stuff messes with your head. What really messed me up is when I went to speak to a therapist and she said that my ex never really loved me because she can't love herself, so she loved me the best she could.

In the early stages of being completely abandoned by my expBPD, I asked my T the same. I was so entirely traumatized that I repeated at each session " Did he love me? How could he be with me for that length of time and go to that deep depth in our r/s... .and just leave me?" 

I really struggled with the love issue. I asked this at the start of every session.

My t would say " how are you feeling?"  And I would say " I am struggling so hard trying to understand if he loved me."

Bc I absolutely loved him. Absolutely.  It was not that I loved the way he made me feel in mirroring.  I loved the person. Not the feelings.  I loved him. I always will.

And literally confounded me that he up and left.  And never looked back. As I sat in the chair of a trauma therapist. Missing this person who meant so much to me.

My t said the very same each time I asked.  "He loved you as best he could."  That hurt to hear. Tears flowed as I stared wide eyed. Grieving. Confused.

Now I understand.  NC for such a length of time and depersonalizing the behaviors and really learning about the disorder has allowed me to know that this really was the best they can do.

You see, they don't move on so quickly for "love". They move on so quickly bc dueling  abandonment/engulfment fears never allow them to get to real love. 

They move on for need.  Not love.

I find a sense of comfort in knowing, as difficult and ironic it is, that love.  Genuine love,  IS what triggered the disorder.

They really want to have that genuine love.  Their disorder won't allow the r/s to evolve the way we believed it should. The way it appeared to be evolving in idealization.

Their fear of real or PERCEIVED ( and perceived meaning not truly eminent in any way) abandonment and engulfment is the cause of the push pull. 

We got too close, engulfment sets in. They PERCEIVE (i.e. not real) abandonment combined with their very real lack of trust, and they push. And split, and abandon us. First.  In self protection.

Then abandonment fear sets in and they replace.

Not for love.

For need.

And none of this is conscious thought pattern. As we might think it is.  It is not malicious or preplanned or calculating. As it feels it is. 

It is the disorder. 

And the disorder further propensities in dissociation whereby they rewrite the reality of what really occurred.  Feelings=facts.  Split black now,  we become the cause, the villain, the one who left them, the distrusted one. Which allows them to suppress immense shame and guilt. That was there far before we met them and rawly reawakened.

And they begin the cycle with someone new.

Which will indeed repeat.

[Mutt]

Do you really think they are happy in their new relationship? I think for a time they are but then I think they must do the same thing to them, the cycling, the evaluation/devaluation, the shame.  Sometimes it helps me feel less shame and less attachment to remember that as I struggle mightily with the same issues you describe.  I want to just wake up and have one days where she is not in my thoughts.

See that's a lot of our issues here. Most of us have ex's that are undiagnosed. We don't actually know that they are BPD. That's why I struggle and wonder if there is something wrong with me. I kind of went through this with my ex wife, it was hard. We were together for almost 15 years. But this seems so much harder. Why is that? Is it just because it's the most recent and fresh on the mind or is it because I'm a fruitcake?

You have a point with not being diagnosed fred6. It's not for me to diagnose mine as I'm not a professional.

I look at the behaviors. Are they good, bad or toxic behaviors? How do I like to be treated? What sorts of boundaries do I have against said behaviors? You had a long history with your ex wife and went through similar difficulties. Did  she give you closure?

Was it similar that she was seeing someone else while you were living together? I understand feeling out of sorts and you feel crazy from it all. You've been through a lot in the last couple of months.

The key is to detach, work through the 5 stages. Healing isn't a race.

[Deeno02]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

Yeah I feel you. I was such a mess when she first left me. I was crying and really messed up. People around me didn't understand it isn't a normal breakup, nor was it a normal relationship. there was SOO much emotion involved on so many levels. It is a crazy roller coaster and normally leaves non BPDs pretty messed up when it is over. I suffer every day too. I feel a lot better now, but this stuff messes with your head. What really messed me up is when I went to speak to a therapist and she said that my ex never really loved me because she can't love herself, so she loved me the best she could. Even right now my ex is out having fun probably doing god knows what, and I am sitting here feeling like.

Its fine for men to cry or break down. Just let it out. Being on here helps me out a lot and researching this disorder helps me out too.

BPD people aren't evil. Well at least thats what I believe. They just don't view the world the same way nor can they process things in a healthy way. Because I don't think any "normal" human could do the things these people do if they saw what they did like we do.

I dont think they are intentionally evil. But they sure as hell act it when they splitting or devaluing you. She said things to me and about my daughter that had it been a man, i would have crushed him. Instead, it left me scarred and emotionally stunted. Its been almost 2 months now and it is getting better, but I cringe when i think of her.

[fred6]

Do you really think they are happy in their new relationship? I think for a time they are but then I think they must do the same thing to them, the cycling, the evaluation/devaluation, the shame.  Sometimes it helps me feel less shame and less attachment to remember that as I struggle mightily with the same issues you describe.  I want to just wake up and have one days where she is not in my thoughts.

See that's a lot of our issues here. Most of us have ex's that are undiagnosed. We don't actually know that they are BPD. That's why I struggle and wonder if there is something wrong with me. I kind of went through this with my ex wife, it was hard. We were together for almost 15 years. But this seems so much harder. Why is that? Is it just because it's the most recent and fresh on the mind or is it because I'm a fruitcake?

You have a point with not being diagnosed fred6. It's not for me to diagnose mine as I'm not a professional.

I look at the behaviors. Are they good, bad or toxic behaviors? How do I like to be treated? What sorts of boundaries do I have against said behaviors? You had a long history with your ex wife and went through similar difficulties. Did  she give you closure?

Was it similar that she was seeing someone else while you were living together? I understand feeling out of sorts and you feel crazy from it all. You've been through a lot in the last couple of months.

The key is to detach, work through the 5 stages. Healing isn't a race.

I haven't recognized it, but my FOO is a big issue. I just realized that my father, and my 2 brothers can't tell me they love me. I mean they are friendly, just detached. I've never thought about it. I'm a happy go lucky type guy. What the heck is going on? I just talked to my brother about all this $hit and he say don't think about it. He says, "I go to work and write the programs. It's black and white to me. Why you thinking about all this stuff and calling me drunk?" I said because your my brother, and I love you, and I may be drinking. But I love you. He couldn't do it. My own brother can't tell me that he loves me. Something wrong here... .

[Mutt]

I haven't recognized it, but my FOO is a big issue. I just realized that my father, and my 2 brothers can't tell me they love me. I mean they are friendly, just detached. I've never thought about it. I'm a happy go lucky type guy. What the heck is going on? I just talked to my brother about all this $hit and he say don't think about it. He says, "I go to work and write the programs. It's black and white to me. Why you thinking about all this stuff and calling me drunk?" I said because your my brother, and I love you, and I may be drinking. But I love you. He couldn't do it. My own brother can't tell me that he loves me. Something wrong here... .

That's terrible. Our FOO can lead us to unhealthy relationship patterns. It's something worth exploring fred6 on the Personal Inventory Board and as to not highjack the OP's thread  

It's a good idea to work on ourselves, sift through the relationship and take ownership of what is ours. You may find patterns and reasons why we get involved with the mentally ill.

[Blimblam]

For me when I met my ex I was sort of down on my luck I was injured and kind of depressed. She was like my angel.  She went deep into my psyche and attached allowing me to project my fantasy on this feeling of completeness that she was an integral part of.  When she left I lost access it was like the bridge that connected all the parts of myself left and nothing made sense. It's that feeling of wholeness I miss and she felt like the missing link to all of this. 

It's like there is this void in us and we fill it with different things to make up our identity and when that thing leaves we loose ourselves.  That external filler can be anything in this case it was a particular disordered person.  For many it is their career and they will sneer at us.  The truth is people use a lot of various external objects, roles and substances to fill this void.

I really believe this is the underlying issue for myself and why it was such a huge loss for me.  Not that if someone got hurt less they are more whole than me just more likely than not they use something else to fill that same void.

[SickofMe]

The diagnosis part is really not as important as it seems to be.  Even if the ex had a psych eval, two different psychologists might draw different conclusions.  There is no blood test for BPD, and except in extremely severe cases, it's not always so cut and dried.

I imagine most people here are not talking about severely disordered BPD because those people usually don't function well enough to fool relatively normal people long enough to become so attached.  For instance, there are a lot of people with severe NPD, BPD, ASPD who are incarcerated.  That doesn't seem to be who most of us are talking about, here.

I look at the behaviors. Are they good, bad or toxic behaviors? How do I like to be treated? What sorts of boundaries do I have against said behaviors? You had a long history with your ex wife and went through similar difficulties. Did  she give you closure?

This is a lot more important than having an official dx, I think.  It's nice to have a model to work from because it helps to make sense of what's going on.  If the shoe fits... .don't worry too much about whether your ex has an "official" diagnosis. 

[Chunk Palumbo]

In my case, I held out hope of reconciliation when split black, simply because I realized she flickered between hateful and caring. At the time, I just thought, "she'll change her mind and will be back" or "If I make her laugh, she'll be back". My assumptions were correct 98% of the time. It was Hell, but it happened.

It was a pattern. Black, after White, comes Black, after White, comes Black. If she hadn't switched back and forth so much earlier on, I doubt I would've expected a 'make up' after every catastrophic argument.

Thankfully, I was eventually the one to walk away for good. It gets easier.

[Deeno02]

Nope, not me. Slow devaluation process then dumped. Now "she finally knows what she wants". Apparently thats her skeletal, monk bald, old college buddy she got with 2 days later.

[antonio1213]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

I feel a lot better now, but this stuff messes with your head. What really messed me up is when I went to speak to a therapist and she said that my ex never really loved me because she can't love herself, so she loved me the best she could.

In the early stages of being completely abandoned by my expBPD, I asked my T the same. I was so entirely traumatized that I repeated at each session " Did he love me? How could he be with me for that length of time and go to that deep depth in our r/s... .and just leave me?" 

I really struggled with the love issue. I asked this at the start of every session.

My t would say " how are you feeling?"  And I would say " I am struggling so hard trying to understand if he loved me."

Bc I absolutely loved him. Absolutely.  It was not that I loved the way he made me feel in mirroring.  I loved the person. Not the feelings.  I loved him. I always will.

And literally confounded me that he up and left.  And never looked back. As I sat in the chair of a trauma therapist. Missing this person who meant so much to me.

My t said the very same each time I asked.  "He loved you as best he could."  That hurt to hear. Tears flowed as I stared wide eyed. Grieving. Confused.

Now I understand.  NC for such a length of time and depersonalizing the behaviors and really learning about the disorder has allowed me to know that this really was the best they can do.

You see, they don't move on so quickly for "love". They move on so quickly bc dueling  abandonment/engulfment fears never allow them to get to real love. 

They move on for need.  Not love.

I find a sense of comfort in knowing, as difficult and ironic it is, that love.  Genuine love,  IS what triggered the disorder.

They really want to have that genuine love.  Their disorder won't allow the r/s to evolve the way we believed it should. The way it appeared to be evolving in idealization.

Their fear of real or PERCEIVED ( and perceived meaning not truly eminent in any way) abandonment and engulfment is the cause of the push pull. 

We got too close, engulfment sets in. They PERCEIVE (i.e. not real) abandonment combined with their very real lack of trust, and they push. And split, and abandon us. First.  In self protection.

Then abandonment fear sets in and they replace.

Not for love.

For need.

And none of this is conscious thought pattern. As we might think it is.  It is not malicious or preplanned or calculating. As it feels it is. 

It is the disorder. 

And the disorder further propensities in dissociation whereby they rewrite the reality of what really occurred.  Feelings=facts.  Split black now,  we become the cause, the villain, the one who left them, the distrusted one. Which allows them to suppress immense shame and guilt. That was there far before we met them and rawly reawakened.

And they begin the cycle with someone new.

Which will indeed repeat.

I don't think they know what love is. And you are right.

This is what we all get for being in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. It is hurtful stuff. my T told me that she loved me the best she could, and that she didn't love herself so its hard for her to love. my T also told me that it seems like we were infatuated with each other and attached, not necessarily in love. That is all a really hard pill to swallow.

In the end though one needs to look at this like a learning experience. thats how I am. If this never happened to me I would probably still be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. Though I loved her with all my heart, would I really want to be married to a BPD for the rest of my life?

All I know is I loved her. She loved me the best she could but her disorder kept her from knowing how to give love back and experience reality the same way I did. Much in the same way my codependency made me fall for her and stay with her far longer than i ever should have. Our relationship was doomed the second we laid eyes on each other. One person who gives love no matter what, and another who can't get or give enough love. Thank god for therapist and this website. Cant imagine going through this b/u without the internet.

[lovethebeach]

How do you let go?

I love him so much and one day, he's just gone.

This is the hardest thing of my life.

[Dutched]

She's completely moved on. Apparently happy and getting on merrily with her dramatic life.

It's been 8 months now.

I should be over this. Yes its been painful: we have 2 kids & we work together.      

But I'm like a distant fuzzy memory to her, if that. Why is she still looming so large in my consciousness?

I come to this site everytime the sadness overtakes me. Reading about other people's similiar situations makes it better, knowing someone else 'gets it' makes it a little better.  

Being not a native English but isn’t there a difference between moving ON   and  moving  FORWARD?

You are correct your ex is  APPARENTLY happy.

Do you really think they are happy in their new relationship? I think for a time they are but then I think they must do the same thing to them, the cycling, the evaluation/devaluation, the shame.  

I strongly feel you, I was dumped in a blink of an eye in front/together with the kids after a 30+ yrs

Healing is not a linear process, special as our r/s was one of very intense moments.  

As Mutt mentioned 1 month for every year, would be for me + 3 yrs. of healing. Being 4 yrs. out now (divorce finalised just 1 yr.) I should be healed. But am I?

I haven’t post my latest “event” yet.  Let me tell you briefly to give you some confidence

Earlier this week exHFBPDw suddenly waved at me while sitting on a terrace with her Soother (looking like a Michelin guy –that advertisement puppet- ), after 4 yrs. of shameful hiding, no contact possible regarding my son, etc. I walked to that table, started to talk. THE possibility for me to have a real close look at her.

Exw got an wrinkled face now. Used to have a good figure, now ugly skinny. Her eyes (indicates all for me) were dead, no life, no sparkling (but uhh…, having a good time with her Soother?) Profound, still wearing my earrings… as I addressed that, her Soother almost felt from his chair, so to speak…

And what is my replacement? A total "affair down" ! A weak personality (failed to stand up for her when she was in "danger", because of me!), his appearance, weight, income and social class. So EASY to HOOK, such a poor guy, just to have some one, a Soother  

After so many years moving ON, instead of moving FORWARD, exHFBDw still is not back to baseline and won’t reach it anymore in her life as I predict.

Take your time and don’t let yourself be fooled by any appearances of you ex! Its make believe.

Further, you are important, only YOU!  

[guy4caligirl]

Antonio

I am with you dude , I spent 5 years of my life with her ex BPD she left three months ago and yes I asked her to leave million times too , when the time was right for her she did move to another state where she came from .

I had asked her two times on the phone that when she allowed me to talk to her , she made it clear she won't ever come back .

I am on my third day NC , I don't know I saw another girl yesterday since the brake up , she was gorgeous but nothing there for her I just think am not ready yet ... .

I suffer every day , like just right now I almost cried and I am Man it's tough .

May god help us get through this ... .

I feel a lot better now, but this stuff messes with your head. What really messed me up is when I went to speak to a therapist and she said that my ex never really loved me because she can't love herself, so she loved me the best she could.

In the early stages of being completely abandoned by my expBPD, I asked my T the same. I was so entirely traumatized that I repeated at each session " Did he love me? How could he be with me for that length of time and go to that deep depth in our r/s... .and just leave me?" 

I really struggled with the love issue. I asked this at the start of every session.

My t would say " how are you feeling?"  And I would say " I am struggling so hard trying to understand if he loved me."

Bc I absolutely loved him. Absolutely.  It was not that I loved the way he made me feel in mirroring.  I loved the person. Not the feelings.  I loved him. I always will.

And literally confounded me that he up and left.  And never looked back. As I sat in the chair of a trauma therapist. Missing this person who meant so much to me.

My t said the very same each time I asked.  "He loved you as best he could."  That hurt to hear. Tears flowed as I stared wide eyed. Grieving. Confused.

Now I understand.  NC for such a length of time and depersonalizing the behaviors and really learning about the disorder has allowed me to know that this really was the best they can do.

You see, they don't move on so quickly for "love". They move on so quickly bc dueling  abandonment/engulfment fears never allow them to get to real love. 

They move on for need.  Not love.

I find a sense of comfort in knowing, as difficult and ironic it is, that love.  Genuine love,  IS what triggered the disorder.

They really want to have that genuine love.  Their disorder won't allow the r/s to evolve the way we believed it should. The way it appeared to be evolving in idealization.

Their fear of real or PERCEIVED ( and perceived meaning not truly eminent in any way) abandonment and engulfment is the cause of the push pull. 

We got too close, engulfment sets in. They PERCEIVE (i.e. not real) abandonment combined with their very real lack of trust, and they push. And split, and abandon us. First.  In self protection.

Then abandonment fear sets in and they replace.

Not for love.

For need.

And none of this is conscious thought pattern. As we might think it is.  It is not malicious or preplanned or calculating. As it feels it is. 

It is the disorder. 

And the disorder further propensities in dissociation whereby they rewrite the reality of what really occurred.  Feelings=facts.  Split black now,  we become the cause, the villain, the one who left them, the distrusted one. Which allows them to suppress immense shame and guilt. That was there far before we met them and rawly reawakened.

And they begin the cycle with someone new.

Which will indeed repeat.

I don't think they know what love is. And you are right.

This is what we all get for being in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. It is hurtful stuff. my T told me that she loved me the best she could, and that she didn't love herself so its hard for her to love. my T also told me that it seems like we were infatuated with each other and attached, not necessarily in love. That is all a really hard pill to swallow.

In the end though one needs to look at this like a learning experience. thats how I am. If this never happened to me I would probably still be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. Though I loved her with all my heart, would I really want to be married to a BPD for the rest of my life?

All I know is I loved her. She loved me the best she could but her disorder kept her from knowing how to give love back and experience reality the same way I did. Much in the same way my codependency made me fall for her and stay with her far longer than i ever should have. Our relationship was doomed the second we laid eyes on each other. One person who gives love no matter what, and another who can't get or give enough love. Thank god for therapist and this website. Cant imagine going through this b/u without the internet.

Antonio please go to the main board l3 look up the third line click that and  read how BPD loves it might help you ... .

[MammaMia]

It takes acceptance of what the relationship really was ... .not what you wanted it to be.  

Once you have had enough self-punishment and can clearly see that the relationship was one-sided or perhaps never even really existed as you perceived it, then it is time to move forward.  Stop attempting to  answer the "whys" of a BPD relationship because there is often no way to rationalize them.  Nons always need answers when there are none. It is what it is ... .let it go.

Accept that you cannot change the disorder that drives another's behavior, so stop trying.  Stop feeling guilty. Stop depending on someone else to make you happy.  That is your job.

Accept that it is over, and you deserve better.  Learn to forgive.  That is key to acceptance.

Only when you can do this, will you have the strength and courage to walk away and not look back.

[peiper]

How do you let go?

I love him so much and one day, he's just gone.

This is the hardest thing of my life.

You have to. I feel lucky now. Mine was cheating five weeks after we were married.  Its been six months now, I've met a healthy,beautiful, fun lady and things look pretty darn good.

[MammaMia]

Peiper

Congratulations!

A real success story.  It CAN be done and you are a role model for others who feel emotionally "trapped".

Thank you.

[Craydar]

This may sound crazy to those that understand the disease and are determined to move on. I am not. Basically she walked away from me after a year. And after 2 months priming some new "victim" (for lack of a better term). It's been almost 2 months since I've seen or heard from her. She never broke up with me, she just walked away. On the advice of friends, I didn't chase. I felt it was futile with a new clown in the picture.  I now have this intense feeling that it was me... .My shortcomings, my actions, and my insecurities.  I cannot accept that she would do this to a guy she idolized only a few months before. As a result I am intensely trying to improve myself but my depression and anxiety over this makes it feel like my efforts are one step forward and two steps back. If I can only be the best me possible, she will surely see the light and come back.  

Now several of you are vommiting after reading this, but It's how I feel now and most I talk to say it's flawed because I am pulled together and I am a catch. I just can't believe it's not something I did.  This is why I'm holding on.  Why do they let us go?