Why is she doing this?

[shellbent]

Why does my ex keep posting on her wall about her wonderful happy life.

I know she probably doesn't even think about me after all this time, but its almost as if it was targeted to hurt me on purpose.

I don't know if there is some kind of triangulation going on, or whether she just wants people to see how happy she is now.

But these posts are ridiculous. And of course the replacement is the first one to like her posts. I know I should have just deleted her off FB, but for my own reasons I still can't get over her completely.

When will this madness end already? I'm in just as much pain as I was 3 months ago.

[Mutt]

Why does my ex keep posting on her wall about her wonderful happy life.

Hi shellbent,

I'm sorry to hear it's still raw. She's in her honeymoon and it's tough to see happy messages from our exes when we're knee deep in pain. There's more the meets the eye. The honeymoon is going to pass. The attention he's getting is really going to change.

You feel just as bad as 3 months ago. You're looking at her FB page. I'd like to give you a little tip that helped me. It killed me seeing anything with her and him. I deactivated my FB account so I could heal and not be tempted to look. It re-opened wounds. I think it may help you.

Hang in there.


--Mutt

[shellbent]

Why does my ex keep posting on her wall about her wonderful happy life.

Hi shellbent,

I'm sorry to hear it's still raw. She's in her honeymoon and it's tough to see happy messages from our exes when we're knee deep in pain. There's more the meets the eye. The honeymoon is going to pass. The attention he's getting is really going to change.

You feel just as bad as 3 months ago. You're looking at her FB page. I'd like to give you a little tip that helped me. It killed me seeing anything with her and him. I deactivated my FB account so I could heal and not be tempted to look. It re-opened wounds. I think it may help you.

Hang in there.


--Mutt

Hi Mutt, thanks for your response.

I honestly thought I already reached the maximum amount of pain, and in some strange way if I know someone has somebody, I can be completely open without flirting, as I know that they are in a rs. This has been true for most of my women friends. So apparently even though my ex was with me at one point, I still feel like she has someone now, so there is nothing I should do.

Of course I have never even been in this predicament before. I always figured if a rs is over and they have moved on to someone else, that means over forever.

I guess it is like "saving yourself" for someone. Not to say there wasn't anyone before, but that was in the past what matters is what happens after. Now I'm just rambling.

I know a lot of people don't feel the same way about this as I do. I just think one of the most important parts of the rs are honesty, loyalty.

So even though I knew my ex was with someone before, I had no evidence.

And I thought that her having someone has already registered.

Now FB for some reason puts my ex as one of my top contacts, so the news feed brings up her stuff immediately. And when she writes the words, "falling asleep next to the right one", is like a knife stab into the heart.

It just shows all her BS, and after what I explained earlier, why would I still want her back. She gave up on us, she said so many powerful things, all that now mean nothing to her. She tossed me aside and let me believe that the problem was with me. She is moved on and I tend to believe that she still has to think about me if I think about her, but I guess I would be wrong.

She did say however that it sucks that we work together, so it means that she is still affected in some way by my presence.

So is she trying to prove to me that she doesn't need me? For some reason I feel like she sees me as a father who is a drunk and beats her.

She might still check up on my FB page, but I guess it has nothing to do with her as she will not initiate a convo with me. If I talk to her though she will act nervous. So if she peeks in on my life, it is only so she could say, "Hah, I'm doing much better than him". For 3 months after our bu I was a changed person, full of energy and life, but I realized I was in denial and still was hoping to win her back with the me she fell for (upgraded).

Now I have lost the battle and gave up on her, I try to look to other places.

But it seems so hopeless, I feel like what I had with her can never actually be, because it never actually was. (But time has made me filter out all the bad and only leave me with horrible feelings of loneliness)

[clydegriffith]

Just stop looking. She's going through the honeymoon stage with whoever replaced you, nothing more nothing less. That person will mean nothing to her sooner rather than later and it'll be on to the next.

[Mutt]

I always figured if a rs is over and they have moved on to someone else, that means over forever.

Never say never.

I just think one of the most important parts of the rs are honesty, loyalty.

I would like to add trust.

And when she writes the words, "falling asleep next to the right one", is like a knife stab into the heart

I'm sorry. That's painful and tremendously invalidating. What does a pwBPD do? She has maladaptive coping skills and feels shame and guilt. Projection is one of the top three behaviors I think. She's projecting negative feelings and actions.

The FB message is false. It also telegraphs emotional immaturity.

clydegriffith makes a good point and I see this often on Leaving. I recommend deactivating social media accounts, if only temporarily. Your ex won't be able to get personal information on what your up to and it doesn't cause us more pain knowing what our ex is up to.

The goal is to detach and it's difficult, anything to make things a little smoother like getting off of Facebook.

[Deeno02]

Shellbent. Listen to Mutt. You dont have to get off FB if you dont want to, but at least block her. Or do what Mutt said, just deactivate for a while.

Its the first thing I did and its been great not seeing her posts. Hit all the rest of social media as well. You need the break.

[shellbent]

I know at this point after 5 months (which is almost as long as our honeymoon was), I should have moved on. And I tried and thought I did, but the sad part is that I went on dates, but just didn't hit it off with anyone and it was also hard, but I really wanted to see what was out there and if I was missing something.

But I keep coming back to the fact that she was 1 in a million, and I could be much happier with that, than anything else I know. So I know I won't find anyone so perfectly imperfect again.

I realize that I stopped attracting healthy women a while back, or just wasn't into them myself and never wanted anything more with those women.

Really the hardest part to get past, is that she knew how to be exactly what I was looking for, but that isn't really who she is. She is whoever she wants to be or feels safest to be.

I'm just in so much confusion, the problem is more at work when we see each other constantly and she avoids talking to me. I still can't get it into my thick skull, that she couldn't care less about me. I just want to know why.

I think with a healthy person, I would have been able to talk rationally and not get myself buried in the back yard.

[Mutt]

She is whoever she wants to be or feels safest to be.

She lacks an identity, a stable sense of self.

[shellbent]

Shellbent. Listen to Mutt. You dont have to get off FB if you dont want to, but at least block her. Or do what Mutt said, just deactivate for a while.

Its the first thing I did and its been great not seeing her posts. Hit all the rest of social media as well. You need the break.

I hear what you're saying, so let me put it this way.

Anything I do to try and avoid her, will be by the same motivation to miss her and want to talk to her.

Believe me I was thinking about deleting her from FB, I erased her number from my phone. I stopped checking her page. I can't however not run into her at work, and my every day is miserable, and the worst part is that it isn't even that we aren't together anymore. It is the fact that she seems to be blocking out all of the good times and all of the positive aspects of us being together.

This is what kills me, her acting like I am some kind of leper.

So my problem isn't not blocking her and doing all these other things.

My problem is that I don't want to move on. I want to hold on to the crazy feelings that I felt, they made me feel alive and I was happier in my life than ever. Being in love. So how do I want to forget her. It is easy to block her out of your life if she is definitely bad for you, but if I made the mistake of not taking her seriously (there were times in the rs when I was thinking about bailing, with all the red flags waiving), but I just tried to be patient and understanding. But when I was going through a really rough time in my life, and all I wanted was for her to be there with me, but she couldn't handle it anymore. So in some way I think I should have known that I would miss her so much and that I should never have let her go. Of course being dumped was probably the worst of it all, it brought out some real abandonment fears.

And the one truth that I cannot make work in my favor, is that we could have been married, or had kids, or anything that makes it even worse. I should be saying I dodged a bullet. But I know it take a special person to know a special person.

[irishmarmot]

The madness will end eventually and you are going through the stages of grieving.  The process is slow and painful.  The suggestions on this board helped me detach and made my breakup easier for me.  Bur in the end we all do it in our own way.

[BuildingFromScratch]

They pretend an awful lot, even if it is the honeymoon, I'm sure things are much worse than you see.

[cleverusername]

And when she writes the words, "falling asleep next to the right one", is like a knife stab into the heart

I'm sorry. That's painful and tremendously invalidating. What does a pwBPD do? She has maladaptive coping skills and feels shame and guilt. Projection is one of the top three behaviors I think. She's projecting negative feelings and actions.

The FB message is false. It also telegraphs emotional immaturity.

My ex posts the same kinds of things about my replacement. About 2 months after we broke up my sister told me she saw her post on FB "cuddles with my favorite person" and I had the same sort of reaction that you did. You have to realize though that it's the disorder that causes them to be like this. It's a complete exaggeration because they don't know how to handle emotion (emotional immaturity, as Mutt said), especially in the honeymoon stage when dating their most recent victim. I mean, calling someone you've known for less than two months your favorite person is pretty ridiculous, even her mother would be hurt by that one haha.

[shellbent]

I think I go in and out of the fog. I got to be honest I am a very kind and patient person, and I want the best for her. but sometimes I just want to grab her and yell at her. this is what scares me sometimes. I know this is so infantile this behaviour, but it hurts like hell.

as for the honeymoon I cam only relate to ours, she was really happy, maybe not justified as she didn't know me well yet, but it took almost a year for her to want out. so now she is even "wiser" about it an.dwhoever she is with was a more drawn out process.

I think they accociate love with need 100%. so when I said I loved her, she felt like she wasn't enough, or that she couldn't handle it?

Now she has no shortage of attachments this is why I'm never even considered.

I guess the only thing that matters now is my replacement. since that can go any way I should never look back. so hard to do. and I know this isn't based on my needs, I could have been with other people in a relationship already I just don't want it.

I felt understood by her that also broke my heart.

[peiper]

I'd say those posts are at least partially meant for you. My ex nutcase is doing the same and she never used to post anything ever. Just quit looking, I quit because I'm not going to give her that much space in my head. She's not worth it. I've moved on.