Painted "white" during a breakup?

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A lot of people here talk about how horrible their exes were. Has anyone had the opposite?

My exBPDbf always paints me as a saint just before a breakup, and especially after. The black and white thinking is still there. Only he paints me white, and himself black. He'll say how much he loves me but hates himself. Or how he's meant to be alone, and I'm meant to be happy so I should stop wasting my time on him. He begged me to break up with him last weekend, while he was very depressed. I didn't, so he went silent, then broke up with me a few days later. I can't tell if it's a male thing, pride thing, BPD thing, or what? I know some men have a tougher time appearing "weak". Maybe my compassion makes him feel pathetic. I don't know. It's my nature. I see someone suffering, I can't help but be kind.

I almost think it would be easier to detach if he would just demonize me. Instead, I hear you're too good for me, I don't deserve you, and how sorry he is for being too "screwed up" to be in a healthy relationship... it's just heartbreaking. It shows how badly he needs help, and where his self-esteem is. He pushes me away when he needs love and support the most. Then when he's feeling better he wants me back. But he's never really "better". There are times when he sees me as "grey" (not sinner/not saint), but it doesn't last long. This time I'm letting him go without a fight. I have to. Maybe he'll finally get professional help.

Do they just not "see" us? or themselves? Why can't they stay in grey?

[Jessica84]

A lot of people here talk about how horrible their exes were. Has anyone had the opposite?

My exBPDbf always paints me as a saint just before a breakup, and especially after. The black and white thinking is still there. Only he paints me white, and himself black. He'll say how much he loves me but hates himself. Or how he's meant to be alone, and I'm meant to be happy so I should stop wasting my time on him. He begged me to break up with him last weekend, while he was very depressed. I didn't, so he went silent, then broke up with me a few days later. I can't tell if it's a male thing, pride thing, BPD thing, or what? I know some men have a tougher time appearing "weak". Maybe my compassion makes him feel pathetic. I don't know. It's my nature. I see someone suffering, I can't help but be kind.

I almost think it would be easier to detach if he would just demonize me. Instead, I hear you're too good for me, I don't deserve you, and how sorry he is for being too "screwed up" to be in a healthy relationship... it's just heartbreaking. It shows how badly he needs help, and where his self-esteem is. He pushes me away when he needs love and support the most. Then when he's feeling better he wants me back. But he's never really "better". There are times when he sees me as "grey" (not sinner/not saint), but it doesn't last long. This time I'm letting him go without a fight. I have to. Maybe he'll finally get professional help.

Do they just not "see" us? or themselves? Why can't they stay in grey?

[Turkish]

Mine, having found a replacement while she was still living with me, pretty much painted me white. She still does, despite the fact that I could interpret her facebook love bombing and commenting as a back-handed smear campaign against me (I doubt it was conscious, but rather her seeking public validation). She paints me white as a good man, a great father, and 9 months out, still tries to engage me as a friend. Like yours, she also admitted to me hating herself (though painting it differently publicly), "sorry I couldn't make you happy." It's very confusing, even realizing how they feel about themselves on the inside. It's the compartmentalized thinking of someone who isn't a whole person on the inside.

[Rifka]

A lot of people here talk about how horrible their exes were. Has anyone had the opposite?

My exBPDbf always paints me as a saint just before a breakup, and especially after. The black and white thinking is still there. Only he paints me white, and himself black. He'll say how much he loves me but hates himself. Or how he's meant to be alone, and I'm meant to be happy so I should stop wasting my time on him. He begged me to break up with him last weekend, while he was very depressed. I didn't, so he went silent, then broke up with me a few days later. I can't tell if it's a male thing, pride thing, BPD thing, or what? I know some men have a tougher time appearing "weak". Maybe my compassion makes him feel pathetic. I don't know. It's my nature. I see someone suffering, I can't help but be kind.

I almost think it would be easier to detach if he would just demonize me. Instead, I hear you're too good for me, I don't deserve you, and how sorry he is for being too "screwed up" to be in a healthy relationship... it's just heartbreaking. It shows how badly he needs help, and where his self-esteem is. He pushes me away when he needs love and support the most. Then when he's feeling better he wants me back. But he's never really "better". There are times when he sees me as "grey" (not sinner/not saint), but it doesn't last long. This time I'm letting him go without a fight. I have to. Maybe he'll finally get professional help.

Do they just not "see" us? or themselves? Why can't they stay in grey?

Where is he and what is he doing when he is in the st mode? My ex told me the same things about me, about him, but when he went silent are the times I'm sure he was snaking around.

Right before he would go silent there would be a conflict about something in his head, then he was out the door! The whole time I was the greatest thing to my face, but who knows what came out of his lying mouth the minute he was away from me! They lie so much, it's hard to know if anything is true or real to them or just what they feel we want them to say!

Rifka

[Jessica84]

Where is he and what is he doing when he is in the st mode? My ex told me the same things about me, about him, but when he went silent are the times I'm sure he was snaking around.

My ex does flirt, but he's not a snake. He's so unfiltered I wish he would lie! He could be very inappropriate in his comments about women, but basically he was harmless. And faithful. I was pretty much a "saint" to him the whole time. Pretty damn hard to live up to that! The second I wasn't available, or didn't return his call quickly enough, he grew impatient, angry, and then distant. That's what happened this last time. I had to work extra-long shifts all week and my cell wasn't getting a signal in the building so I missed some texts and calls from him. I replied later, but too late for him I guess. It already triggered something in his head. He quickly came to the conclusion that I had "wisely figured out he was a piece of ___." All because I had no signal on my cell phone. And just like that, we're done.

[Popcorn71]

This is something I have thought about too.  When he left, my ex told me that it was nothing I had done, how great I was, how the next man would be lucky to have me, etc. etc. 

But he didn't take any blame on himself.  He totally blamed my son, who he had always had a problem with and I now think he had been jealous of throughout our relationship.  He was actually very devious and clever in the way he blamed my son.  He was trying to come between me and my son and ensure that even though he had gone, I would blame my son and it would wreck our relationship.  However, this backfired in a big way because I saw through what he was doing.  Now, a year on, my son and I are closer and happier than ever.

So yes, I was painted white, but only because it served a purpose for my ex.

[Blimblam]

I can relate to something similiar. I found it extremely confusing. What I think it was is that my ex wanted to leave on a good note with me to keep the attachment on good terms and with fertile grounds.

In my case I really think she was trying to get away from me because she loved and she didn't want to hurt me but she knew the disorder was triggered and that she was going to.

[antelope]

He'll say how much he loves me but hates himself. Or how he's meant to be alone, and I'm meant to be happy so I should stop wasting my time on him.

This is a classic manipulation by a BPD.  As well as at least 50% a lie .

[Jessica84]

My ex would always try to make me the bad guy. But having nothing to go on, he ultimately said it was all him. Or he'd use the standard fear of monogamy nugget. He liked me to think he was some kind of dog on the prowl who couldn't be kept down, even though I'd later discover he was sitting home alone and miserable, not out chasing women like he wanted me to believe. If he had lunch or dinner with another woman, he always told me about it. And how flirtatious they were or how much she wanted him. And every time it turned out to be just two friends having a meal, or something work-related and nothing more -- sometimes I'd hear from the women themselves who were surprised to learn it had been made into anything more. I would get so angry at the betrayal, only to find out there wasn't one at all.

He liked to use these so-called encounters with the opposite sex to get me riled up and upset, then break it off so he could make it my fault. Then he'd feel bad and I'd be painted white. I was the good trustworthy one who deserved better, in his eyes. He was the bad guy hot on the prowl (all bark and no bite). Just felt like a series of tests I could never pass. If I got jealous, I was just another crazy female - discard. So whenever he'd text that he was going out with some woman, I'd write back have fun! Because I didn't get jealous, I didn't care about him - discard. /and now, because I didn't respond to a text fast enough, discard. It's like no matter what the situation, he found creative ways to push me away. He finally gets his wish now. I'm discarded but climbing out of this trash can for good.

[patientandclear]

I had a nearly identical exchange with my ex. One night I fell asleep in the midst of texting. Next morning I responded saying so sorry, fell asleep. (I was so in love with him and showed it easily and often. He had zero to worry about, as far as I could see.)  He replied that he thought I had found out about his "reputation" (btwn 9-10 pm?) and left him.

Like an idiot I didn't ask "what reputation?"

He was having the same panic your guy had. Knowing they are deeply flawed and afraid of being rejected because of it.

[Infern0]

I got fed the same ___.

In my case it was a three page email of what a great guy I was and how I deserved to be happy and that she couldn't give me that but she loved me and wanted to work on herself and that one day when she was healthy and well we could be together properly and that was her motivation to get well.

Three days later snapchat comes through of her with a new guy