Replacement

[lovethebeach]

My exBPD has already moved on. It's been four days and he hasn't contacted me. I tried yesterday to remain friends and text a bit, but he seems uninterested. Probably my mistake.

I want to text him something like "I understand that everyone handles things differently, but it really hurts that you've moved on so quickly. I tried to remain friends but evidently that's not possible right now." I forgot to mention the new girl has the same name as me!

Shes a downgrade. They both got kicked out of four year universities. They both are smoking weed together now and  from what I can tell she drinks quite excessively.

She's not someone he would bring home to the parents, considering they don't even know we broke up yet and I'm sure his NPD/BPD mother would not approve.

But regardless, no one understands the pain because "he's immature and just trying to occupy his mind." But it's still so difficult to comprehend that we spent two years together and he's already invested in another. I know because he's not running back to me... .he's running to her. It's like he found the polar opposite of me... .minus the name... .and it diving head first into it.

[Deeno02]

Dont. Leave it be. My body wasnt even cooled before she had her college buddy who is totally not me. Leave it be, dont text a damn thing. They arent worth it. Its my biggest mind f**k I feel. Didnt I matter? Our year and a half together with both our kids didnt matter? Me teaching your autistic son to tie his shoes and helping him thrive in football didnt matter? So you see LTB, wecare all in this together. Almost 2 months and, a tad bit better, im still shattered.

[lovethebeach]

This is so painful. I know I'll get through it. I know I'll be okay.

But he can't be alone and so he's onto the next girl. Although, she's a downgrade It's his coping mechanism.

It's been four days and I'm still hurting. I struggle between ... .he doesn't have amnesia, so he must still remember me and he has someone new, so I'm no longer in memory.

I just wish I had some closure. Some type of acknowledgment that it mattered. But, I guess I'll never get that. I'll need to learn to put the pieces back together myself.

[Deeno02]

This is so painful. I know I'll get through it. I know I'll be okay.

But he can't be alone and so he's onto the next girl. Although, she's a downgrade It's his coping mechanism.

It's been four days and I'm still hurting. I struggle between ... .he doesn't have amnesia, so he must still remember me and he has someone new, so I'm no longer in memory.

I just wish I had some closure. Some type of acknowledgment that it mattered. But, I guess I'll never get that. I'll need to learn to put the pieces back together myself.

Almost 2 months for me. Its slowly getting better, but its still painful. You wont get any closure. Thats another tough thing. I to struggle to make sense of it, did I really matter? I dont think i did. I was the guy who just filled a void for here while she got through her separation/divorce and death of her mom until someone better came along.

[Infern0]

It's really weird how they all seem to go from the good,  kind hearted and intelligent people like us,  to pure gutter trash.

I still shake my head at the dude I was replaced with,  a drug addled moron without a brain in his head.  Last time I saw her i guess she was mirroring him because she seemed like a complete idiot,  when we were together I guess she mirrored me because she always seemed quite bright and interested in intellectual conversation. 

I feel sorry for the people like him who when the big shock comes in will lack the IQ to figure out what happened and get themselves through it.  Instead he will probably blame himself and hit the drugs.  Hard.

We are the lucky ones,  we have the tools to get through this and become stronger for it. Many will become weaker and Permenantly damaged.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Chances are he will contact you soon.  You are now a toy in his cupboard while he has a shiny new one to play with.  But he will open the cupboard door and check you are still there and maybe even play with you for a little while.  The question for you is: do you want to be a toy in his cupboard?  NC is helping me to escape from her childish games.

[btbh]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

[sirius]

I realised that i was replaced 7 years ago before we broke up only after we broke up. For the first 3 months, I was trying the same too. No replies at all. Only until the 4th month post b/u that she only reply ok when i asked her how she was.

Weather the replacement was a downgrade or upgrade (my suspected replacement was a far more a downgrade than me), it doesnt matter anymore anyway.

The idea of a replacement angers me initially but somehow i find it to be also a feeling of relieved because as much as i care for her, she has someone to care for her now and hope they will work out (which i doubt). You may be obsessed about the replacement initially but later,you would not care anymore. He will text you one day when things fall apart, you know the drill when you were with him.

[lovethebeach]

How do you begin to be okay with them moving on so quickly?

I just want to know that he cared. That some part of him is hurting.  :'(

One day at a time.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

How do you begin to be okay with them moving on so quickly?

I just want to know that he cared. That some part of him is hurting.  :'(

One day at a time.

It does hurt.  In fact it actually guts me.  I've seemed to find some solace in these boards.  The fact is almost every single person that has recently detached or previously detached was "replaced" at a rapid speed.  This gave me some comfort because it helped me realize it I wasn't just rejected.  I guess it lessened the blow.  Still hurts.  I don't know for sure if I was replaced or not, but my gut says otherwise.  It seems to be very common behavior of someone suffering with BPD.  They find someone to "replace" you so they can avoid the pain they have from losing you.  Their behaviors are like a merry go round.  Find savior, love savior, start to find fault in savior, leave savior... .and repeat.  They never deal with their emotions head on. 

[sirius]

When she was moving out that night, she was raging and crying broken heartedly that she have to leave. She then told me after 3 weeks of walking out and being confronted about her affair partner, she said " I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the world 3 weeks ago, if there will be any man i would marry it's going to be you".

When she was not crazy, she's a good and kind person. I think leaving the r/s hurts her badly for a short time.

I am ok with it because I don't want her to hurt and in pain, its better she move on with a replacement if she's happy with it. I will deal with the pain on my own. I know that she is in pain of the loss too but she can block it out and i can't.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

How do you begin to be okay with them moving on so quickly?

I just want to know that he cared. That some part of him is hurting.  :'(

One day at a time.

One week my ex was texting me that she loved me.  The next week she texted me she had found someone else and we were finished as a couple.  I read on this site that BPD behavior will turn partners into objects.  So I guess to them it is like getting a new car.  In with the new and out with the old. My suggestion is that you try and stop thinking about what he is feeling - and concentrate on your own feelings.  It hurts when they get a replacement so quickly but they do it because they cannot be alone any length of time.  They are cowards.

[lovethebeach]

I just want the hurting to stop.

It's only been six days but I'm still a mess.

I love him so much and he's already moved on.

Everything feels like a lie and I'm left struggling to put the pieces together.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

They are cowards.

My uBPDx would tell me all the time she is a coward. 

LTB... .read these boards.  Educate yourself.  It won't erase your pain and sometimes when you read something that causes you to have an epiphany it may hurt even deeper; BUT, there is comfort in knowledge.  Maybe it will help your ego a little bit.

These boards can't replace your loneliness.  They can't give you back the life you had envisioned, but they can provide you with some understanding.  Keep reading. 

[Swiggle]

I just want the hurting to stop.

It's only been six days but I'm still a mess.

I love him so much and he's already moved on.

Everything feels like a lie and I'm left struggling to put the pieces together.

I will get easier, this is still fresh for you. Like others have said stay NC that is important, I wish I had found this board when I was detaching from my ex. We were married 11 years, divorced and recycled for one year... .it was the most intense pain and roller coaster of emotions that I have ever dealt with. Most BPDs and NPs are not able to give closer, it will be up to you to work at picking up the pieces but I don't think you'll ever get all teh pieces from him. One day though you'll find the strength in yourself to fill in and come to terms with what actually was, going through a r/s with someone like this can def make you stronger, but you have to want it and work for it. My ex of 11 years replaced me 3 months after our divorce, how can someone who loved you, had children with you and was your partner find the love of their life only 3 months after and 11 year marriage. I will never understand this, but I don't thinkg disordered people actually really "love" at least not the way we do. Hang in there, just continue to walk away from the roller coaster. Don't get stuck on an endless ride because it is the same ride every single time.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Everything feels like a lie and I'm left struggling to put the pieces together.

That was the most difficult thing for me.  We met through a dating site and from start i was clear from the start that I was after a long term relationship.  She said she was after the same thing - she never told me she was incapable of it.  The lies started from day one and continued until I adopted NC after the breakup.

[clydegriffith]

When she was moving out that night, she was raging and crying broken heartedly that she have to leave. She then told me after 3 weeks of walking out and being confronted about her affair partner, she said " I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the world 3 weeks ago, if there will be any man i would marry it's going to be you".

When she was not crazy, she's a good and kind person. I think leaving the r/s hurts her badly for a short time.

I am ok with it because I don't want her to hurt and in pain, its better she move on with a replacement if she's happy with it. I will deal with the pain on my own. I know that she is in pain of the loss too but she can block it out and i can't.

This is what makes these experiences so agonizing. In my experience, i just kept imaginging how great things could be if she was always the way she was when she was "good". I turned a blind eye to lots of stuff and let her get away with so much because i kept saying "it can be so great, and we have a child together so it's worth trying to make it work". Thinking about how great stuff was when she was good just me me delusional and put me in denial as to who she is. 

[Deeno02]

When she was moving out that night, she was raging and crying broken heartedly that she have to leave. She then told me after 3 weeks of walking out and being confronted about her affair partner, she said " I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the world 3 weeks ago, if there will be any man i would marry it's going to be you".

When she was not crazy, she's a good and kind person. I think leaving the r/s hurts her badly for a short time.

I am ok with it because I don't want her to hurt and in pain, its better she move on with a replacement if she's happy with it. I will deal with the pain on my own. I know that she is in pain of the loss too but she can block it out and i can't.

This is what makes these experiences so agonizing. In my experience, i just kept imaginging how great things could be if she was always the way she was when she was "good". I turned a blind eye to lots of stuff and let her get away with so much because i kept saying "it can be so great, and we have a child together so it's worth trying to make it work". Thinking about how great stuff was when she was good just me me delusional and put me in denial as to who she is. 

Same here. Its hard to admit at 51 that I was in an abusive relationship. I tried as best I could and repressed stuff or ignored it because I thought I could fix it. Almost killed me... .

[Agent_of_Chaos]

When she was moving out that night, she was raging and crying broken heartedly that she have to leave. She then told me after 3 weeks of walking out and being confronted about her affair partner, she said " I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the world 3 weeks ago, if there will be any man i would marry it's going to be you".

When she was not crazy, she's a good and kind person. I think leaving the r/s hurts her badly for a short time.

I am ok with it because I don't want her to hurt and in pain, its better she move on with a replacement if she's happy with it. I will deal with the pain on my own. I know that she is in pain of the loss too but she can block it out and i can't.

This is what makes these experiences so agonizing. In my experience, i just kept imaginging how great things could be if she was always the way she was when she was "good". I turned a blind eye to lots of stuff and let her get away with so much because i kept saying "it can be so great, and we have a child together so it's worth trying to make it work". Thinking about how great stuff was when she was good just me me delusional and put me in denial as to who she is. 

Same here. Its hard to admit at 51 that I was in an abusive relationship. I tried as best I could and repressed stuff or ignored it because I thought I could fix it. Almost killed me... .

Along with the flashes of greatness, the moments of love... .do any of you relate to the look in their eyes?  There were times when I could look in her eyes and see the love.  It restored my faith everytime I felt like giving up.  Other times I saw nothing.  Just a blank stare.  It was literally like the woman I loved had been consumed by emptiness.  Maybe when I thought I was seeing the love in her eyes, it was merely my own reflection.  Either way, it hurts.

[lovethebeach]

I tried to communicate two days ago and got nothing but cold-ness. I asked him if he had moved on, and he said no.

I know that's not true. I'm left wondering with so many questions unanswered and so much pain.

All I wanted was an acknowledgement and some sort of closure. It's like he's disassociate and is completely numb. He's off with this new girl, smoking and drinking trying to make himself feel better.

[fred6]

He will text you one day when things fall apart, you know the drill when you were with him.

I think that it's been said before. It will never happen, but I would love text my ex and tell her that I was about to to sit down with her last two ex's and her current new supply for a beer to compare notes on her character and integrity. I bet she would flip the fcuk out. It would be classic, hahah.

[lovethebeach]

I want to call and scream. I'm so angry. For two weeks, after I found the responses to Craigslist where he asked other women for naked pictures and such... .He begged and pleaded. I stayed. He said "we were working on us. And he didn't want anyone else. It was fantasy. He loved me. Blah Blah Blah"

I stupidly took that as WE'RE working on us. He came down for the weekend and then two days later was out to lunch with some other girl. Now, he's using her to kill the pain of loosing me. I still don't understand what happened.

Now, I wish I left weeks ago.

[clydegriffith]

He will text you one day when things fall apart, you know the drill when you were with him.

I think that it's been said before. It will never happen, but I would love text my ex and tell her that I was about to to sit down with her last two ex's and her current new supply for a beer to compare notes on her character and integrity. I bet she would flip the fcuk out. It would be classic, hahah.

LOL, i actually kind of became friends with the BPDx's is X husband (i was his replacement). She trapped both of us with babies. Even though his experience was hell, it didn't involve getting arrested on multiple ocassions and walking in on her with someone so i think she did me dirtier. She's trapped the latest victim with a baby as well if you could believe that.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

It was fantasy.

I stupidly took that as WE'RE working on us. He came down for the weekend and then two days later was out to lunch with some other girl. Now, he's using her to kill the pain of loosing me. I still don't understand what happened.

Now, I wish I left weeks ago.

Truth.  Seems to me they are always chasing the fantasy. 

[Deeno02]

I tried to communicate two days ago and got nothing but cold-ness. I asked him if he had moved on, and he said no.

I know that's not true. I'm left wondering with so many questions unanswered and so much pain.

All I wanted was an acknowledgement and some sort of closure. It's like he's disassociate and is completely numb. He's off with this new girl, smoking and drinking trying to make himself feel better.

Dont hun. I want to so bad myself, but I dont. Its not good for you to do so. You wont get closure because thats not how they are wired. Its been almost 2 months now and 32 days NC. She moved on a couple days after dumping me. Its SLOOWLY getting better, but I miss her so very much. But I cant go back. Every monday in therapy, i always want the same thing. Closure. Not gonna get it.

[lovethebeach]

I literally feel sick to my stomach over this. Two years of a relationship. If he has told me we were going to see other people I would have bolted.

I don't know what I was thinking. I thought he truly wanted me and our life together. Now he's the complete opposite of everything he was with me.

Except, he's probably up her ass and I'm left in the dust.

[Deeno02]

I literally feel sick to my stomach over this. Two years of a relationship. If he has told me we were going to see other people I would have bolted.

I don't know what I was thinking. I thought he truly wanted me and our life together. Now he's the complete opposite of everything he was with me.

Except, he's probably up her ass and I'm left in the dust.

Yep. Smoke and mirrors. I was the replacement guy. I was in love. Thought she was too. Got her through a separation/divorce and death of her mother. My children loved her as i loved her 5 kids. All gone. I think its all good during the idealization phase, then its goes to crap as you start being split.  Please read all the lessons on here. Its totally fascinating and oh so eye opening. All i could do while reading was agree and shake my head.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I literally feel sick to my stomach over this. Two years of a relationship. If he has told me we were going to see other people I would have bolted.

I don't know what I was thinking. I thought he truly wanted me and our life together. Now he's the complete opposite of everything he was with me.

Except, he's probably up her ass and I'm left in the dust.

You are suffering the BPD's toxic sting.  It is to the psyche what the rattle snake's bite is to the body.  You can recover.  How do you recover?  No Contact and plenty of it.  Your suffering won't bother him.  In fact he probably feels quite smug about.  Job done for him.  New supply=avoided pain of abandonment. 

[lovethebeach]

So, what happens from here on out?  :'(

[Deeno02]

So, what happens from here on out?  :'(

you get better. Your detoxing right now. People may giggle when you tell them its like coming down from a drug, but it is. This was worse than my divorce and I was married 18 years. Get smart, read all the stuff, engage in the forums and lets help each other. Over time, you will get better and heal. And you wont be fooled again...