I should preface this with... .I'm not a doctor... .I only play one on TV
Seriously, these are just my opinions... .
Do you only behave this way with your wife?
I wondered this also pwBPD know just right where to push our buttons.
1. I have big problems with my temper. I can go from calm to rageful extremely quickly in arguments with my wife. I have gotten much better with this as I've learned not to JADE or get sidetracked by baiting, but still, my wife says she walks on eggshells around me. I have thrown and broken things in my worst moments.
Although not the greatest behavior it could definitely be in reaction to a pwBPD pushing your buttons, remember they like drama.
3. I am extremely sensitive to sarcastic teasing from my wife. If she makes a little comment about anything, I just get very mad and go silent. I also get the same way when she tells me things like how to cook something I'm working on, or how to drive (she's constantly telling me to look out for things and pointing out bad drivers on the road).
Honestly, who would like this kind of behavior... .all very non-validating... .all a put down. How much of this type of behavior are you receiving?
4. I feel very distant and alone deep down, I think.
What do your friendships look like? Have you become isolated from friends and family? A BPD spouse can demand all of your attention or sometimes we cut ourselves off from others because of our troubled marriages. Might be some depression in the mix too
6. I used to use sex and pornography to alleviate my negative emotions.
What was the state of your sex life at the time this was going on?
For all these reasons, I'm concerned. I also have a lot of codependent behaviors and a huge amount of resentment towards my wife in this relationship for all the time, money and effort I've put into her with nothing back.
I've been working so hard on trying to improve myself but I wonder if I need to be doing more and if something is majorly wrong with me. I've been reading a lot about BPD and trying to unofficially diagnose my wife, but then I wonder if I'm the one with BPD and just projecting onto her?
Many of us have struggled with co-dependence who are members here so I would not be surprised if it is an issue for you also, your resentment of your wife also seems completely natural to me sounds like she isn't contributing much. And I want to validate your efforts to work on yourself. That is all any of us can do... .change ourselves, our behaviors, and our reactions.
I really think you are having trouble coping with your wife more than you have a PD of your own. But having the evaluation might give you some insight into yourself and give you some peace of mind.