Struggling

[Cheesden]

Hi,

I am an adult child of a mother with BPD.  For most of my life I was the responsible one and the carer however, after breaking down myself, I moved away while maintaining a relationship with my mom.  From a distance she seemed to be functioning in a manageable way but over the past year matters have spiralled out of control.  She has been ill (liver disease) but has been lying about her treatment (told us she had cancer when she didn't) and is now self mutilating by shooting oral morphine medication.  I think the attention she received while being treated with interferon was a trigger and she is now making choices that contribute to further illness.  After a long reprieve she is completely psychotic and reacts with extreme cruelty when anyone tries to help.  She is clearly very unwell and likely dying but the addictions and the cruelty are impossible to manage from a distance.  Because she has real health complaints she appears to have everyone snowed but it is clear to me that she is a real danger to herself and possibly others.  Being so far away there is little that I can do.  :)espite breaking contact I am barraged with cruel emails and phone messages.  The truly frightening thing is that this has triggered a severe emotional response on my part.  My anxiety is palpable and I am falling apart.  I have built a new life and have a young child and now suddenly fear I can't cope.  Help?

[livednlearned]

Hi Cheesden,



I'm so glad you found the site. You have a young child and that in and of itself can require so much attention and energy, and your mother's cruel and abusive behavior, plus her self-sabotaging responses to a serious disease is causing stress and anxiety. That is understandable! You are dealing with a lot. It took a lot of strength to move away and begin to take care of yourself, and now this new development feels demanding, like it's pulling you back in.

It sounds like you may have PTSD from the relationship with your mom, and her behavior is triggering a feeling of helplessness. Do you feel obligated to listen to her phone messages and read her emails? Is there someone in your life who can read them for you and then let you know if there is anything important that you must respond to? I had to do this with the BPD person in my life when I was suffering, and it did help me to get a small break so I could rebuild and heal enough.

Is that something you feel you could do for the moment?  

LnL

[coldNheartless]

Hi Cheesden,

You are in the right place, hang in there. I think the advice from livednlearned is good. Having a barrier/ someone who can separate the emails and messages. You could even take it a step further to have her send all the messages to one place, phone or email... .but just one, so that you can be prepared and not barraged by them every time you turn around. Blocking a phone or a change of email is a lifesaver in this case.

I really feel for you, my BPDm went through Interfuron and used to make me give her the shots. She enmeshed me in her illness as a way to care for herself. I just learned about "emotional incest" and it has really helped me deal with the feeling of enmeshment. Remember that she has made her choices in life and these are the consequences. The consequence of taking care of yourself is a bounty of life, do that for you and enjoy its fruit.

Remember, a volatile BPD person can really hurt you, even if its coming from far away. Vebal abuse is still abuse.

There is no reason for her to lash out at or abuse you, not if she is dying, not for any reason. If she cannot compose herself and treat you with respect, then she cannot be helped. You come first, then the little one just like in an airplane, parents come LAST. Real health complaints are no excuse to violate your basic rights as a human, just because she has violated her own and has no self respect. You are worth taking care of, don't let any or the cruelty wear you down. Just the fact that you are here means you are on the right track.

Stay strong, don't be afraid, your not alone.

 coldNheartless

[HappyChappy]

So sorry to hear about your predicament. Sounds tough  , but you’ve come to a place were your story is very familiar and you can get advice and validation. I would eco the PTSD suggestion, and there are some great books and therapist to help with that now. If you’ve been brought up to care for a BPD, then the danger is you may always put others before yourself  and ignore your own health. If you’re not well, then it’s unreasonable for anyone to expect you to help out.

It may help to know that a BPD wants narcisstic supply from where ever they can get it, so as long as you mom is getting support, it doesn’t have to be from you. Also BPD are masters at stirring fear and obligation (FOG) but that doesn’t mean you should feel the fear/anxiety. From what you’ve said, sounds like you’ve done your very best and no one can do more.m

Just to back up advice already given, a BPD know our triggers and room 101 better than we do. So you may need to shield yourself from people that press your triggers, whilst you heal and resolve the anxiety. Be good to yourself. Oh and finaly advice no one else has given, I can recommend whatching Bugs Bunny, doesn't help with PTSD, but it might make you laugh. 

[Cheesden]

Thank you to everyone for the messages of support. While I have had counselling for other issues in the past, I have never really addresses the effects of my childhood on the adult me. I have very few memories of my childhood which makes it difficult to discuss and address.  It's like I am separated from my own life experience.  Whether it's my own cv or a reminder from friends who witnessed events from my childhood it doesn't feel like me.  I am high functioning (most of the time) have a beautiful family and have built a life that is peaceful and loving - yet I am broken. I feel grateful but seldom happy and my anxiety is paralysing.  I've only recently started reading the literature on the effects of BPD on children and this only seems to make my anxiety worse.  I think I need to discuss the possibility of PTSD with my doctor.  So far, talk therapy has not been offered as an option but my physician is more than happy to have prescribe the issues away. I don't find that this works for me and am not presently taking any anti-anxiety medication.  When I posted last night my physical symptoms made me feel that this was a mistake.

While I have not directly engaged with my mother for almost two weeks, I can't help but read the emails and listen to the phone messages when the come in.  It's a compulsion like a moth to light.  Knowing this I will take the advice on board and forward any communications to my husband to moderate.  Thank you.  It is both strange and empowering to learn that I am not alone.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Lot of emotions you have to work thru.    Put your feelings all out there.  Put them out there to us.    You can't manifest the anxiety.   Do not allow her to do that to you and your child.  That is part of her attack on you.  She may be sick but they do send nasty stuff our way.     I actually went to a counselor/life coach/healer for help with working out those emotional chains that we carry with us.   The woman I went to basically talked to me and she energetically "cut the cords" of emotion that we have with people in our lives that are issues.    It worked!     A little out there, but, it worked for me.  

Your mom sounds like a complete mess and I think you have to resign to the fact that she has picked her path and it is not a good one.    Morphine abuse is HER choice.    Acting out is her choice.    You are not responsible for this and can't be.    She is beyond what you can handle and that is OK for you to not help.

So take care of yourself... .and your youngster and find some happy places in life.   Go to a park... .a beach... .a peaceful place.  Get some playdoe and toys and play a bit.    There are good things in life.    Your mom is in a dark place and you can't be there with her.  

The easy choice here is that your young child comes first.  You learn from her mistakes and goal is to take care of your own emotional help so that you are able to care for your young child.  

Many ((HUGS)) your way.   +

[livednlearned]

While I have not directly engaged with my mother for almost two weeks, I can't help but read the emails and listen to the phone messages when the come in.  It's a compulsion like a moth to light.  Knowing this I will take the advice on board and forward any communications to my husband to moderate.  Thank you.  It is both strange and empowering to learn that I am not alone.

I understand, Cheesden. What you wrote made me think of this article I just saw on the site about BPD mothers and the anticipatory anxiety that their children may develop.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235620.

There is a sentence in the article about how a BPD mother will try to create a borderline child because of her attachment issues. Your mother enmeshed you and the consequences of that can create serious anxiety when you experience even the thought of abandoning her, even when it is for your health (ie. not reading her emails or listening to her messages). I don't interpret BPD child (in the article) to be literal, because PTSD can create a similar effect when a parent is so enmeshed. For me the BPD traits are grandmother to father, then father to me, so genders are different, but the emotional incest that coldNheartless talked about is there, and the effects are the same. The thought of even thinking different than my dad was so unbearable that I couldn't even do that until I was in a safer emotional place in my life  

It's really scary to feel these deep feelings. But I know it's possible to go through them and come out the other side.



LnL

[Dexter0420]

I agree with livednlearned.  My uBPD mother does the same thing in texts and voicemails.  I now have my husband read/listen first and delete if necessary.  Besides, in a few days my mother will act as though nothing happened and will refuse to talk about the matter.  Why should I let myself be hurt when she will forget it ever happened or try to justify her behavior? 

Best of luck to you!

[HappyChappy]

Cheesden you do remind me of how felt when I began the journey. The lack of childhood memories for me was down to dissociation, and also a BPDm who’d convinced me no one could remember anything prior to the age 8, which was the worst period of abuse for me. It is a BPD technique to distort your memories.

When I went into cognitive psychology they managed the release of these memories bit by bit – because you’re right it is overwhelming to begin with. Your remorse for posting, could be your old coping mechanisms, and the big lesson for me was, these mechanism were useful when trapped with a BPDm, but the danger has now gone. So the mechanism are now unhelpful and need changing. Also we need to change our behaviour first, and then these  compulsions (e.g. listening to all your BPD messages) will then change second. So it is a leap of faith, as they say. It worked for me and so many others on this site  . This is the beginning of your yellow brick road and it starts with stormy weather but ends well. Have a good journey.  

[Cheesden]

Thank you again for the support and understanding.  I went to the doctor today and gave an honest history of heavily layered childhood abuse.  While I had sought assistance for anxiety and depression in the past I never thought it relevant to discuss BPD and associated issues. The doctor suspects I am suffering from PTSD and has recommended an online cbt course and medication.  When you've finally bared your soul and asked for help it seems a bit cold to be referred to my ipad for counselling but I will give it a try.  The hate mail continues to come in, enmeshed in information meant to keep me up to date on a forthcoming life threatening procedure.  While my sisters informational update ended in "have a nice day" while mine concluded with cruelty - I can just see Mom's snide smile.  I sent a final message stating that her illness does not give her a license to abuse me.  And asked her to stop the hate mail and focus on her recovery.  At the next word of character assassination all correspondence will be blocked.

[funfunctional]

Well hang in there Cheesden and keep up the steps towards helping yourself.    You willl get stronger and you will start to heal from this.    Counselors can be wonderful helpers in our road to recovery.   Make sure if you get one she/he you connect with.  That they "get you".

BPD people seem to do a lot of strong "hating".    Once you are on their "naughty list"  they focus on that negativity.   If it will make you feel any better I am on the most hated listed for my BPD MIL and also my BPD Sister.   Hence - once you shield yourself from those arrows you can start to feel good again.

Rip up the mail next time it arrives and burn it.   Picture the hate disolving into the smoke. 

If you ever get an urge to read up on Shamanic Healing they go into your energetic body and pick up on past scars/emotional and remove them energetically.   I had a session where the woman would say to me "what happened when you were 5?".   "what happened when you were 11?".    She targeted in on some tough years for me.   I know this isn't a recommended treatment by this site but more of a healing suggestion if it happens to come your way.

Take care!