Why is it so hard?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel like I flucuate from being okay one minute, and miserable the next. Why is it so HARD to shake these folks. Last week I got confirmation that my ex doesn't care (he said so ). I felt good, I felt free. But I feel quilty for calling him a$$hole. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I did. I think I just don't accept his disorder, or I do, but feel like deep down inside he does care about me. I also am embarrased by how i've acted since we've broken up, that I've been almost desperate for any crumb of attention from him. This is not me, I don't act this way. The friends that I have shared this whole story with, are suprised by my actions since the break-up, as it's so out of character.

It's so messed up. I've dated several guys since our break-up. I'm dating a great guy now, but I still can't seem to get over this. Still can't seem to get past someone who said they'd cared, and they just don't. I think it makes it worse that we were friends as kids and that I know his family. It seems to make the betrayl so much worse. My T suggests that I don't do well with people leaving me, that I'm usually the one to walk away. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm sure that I'm taking this personally, as there is something so wrong with me, that he walked away, that he couldn't maintain friendship, even though logically I know that pwBPD struggle in all personal relationships. It bothers me that I'm sure there are girls that he's seen since, that he's still friends with on FB, or at least still remains on decent terms, but with me, I'm cut out completly. Made to feel crazy that I view a friendship as more than a 2 word exchange. I want to leave him alone, I don't know why I can't.

[Tater tot]

I feel like I flucuate from being okay one minute, and miserable the next. Why is it so HARD to shake these folks. Last week I got confirmation that my ex doesn't care (he said so ). I felt good, I felt free. But I feel quilty for calling him a$$hole. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I did. I think I just don't accept his disorder, or I do, but feel like deep down inside he does care about me. I also am embarrased by how i've acted since we've broken up, that I've been almost desperate for any crumb of attention from him. This is not me, I don't act this way. The friends that I have shared this whole story with, are suprised by my actions since the break-up, as it's so out of character.

It's so messed up. I've dated several guys since our break-up. I'm dating a great guy now, but I still can't seem to get over this. Still can't seem to get past someone who said they'd cared, and they just don't. I think it makes it worse that we were friends as kids and that I know his family. It seems to make the betrayl so much worse. My T suggests that I don't do well with people leaving me, that I'm usually the one to walk away. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm sure that I'm taking this personally, as there is something so wrong with me, that he walked away, that he couldn't maintain friendship, even though logically I know that pwBPD struggle in all personal relationships. It bothers me that I'm sure there are girls that he's seen since, that he's still friends with on FB, or at least still remains on decent terms, but with me, I'm cut out completly. Made to feel crazy that I view a friendship as more than a 2 word exchange. I want to leave him alone, I don't know why I can't.

[Swiggle]

It bothers me that I'm sure there are girls that he's seen since, that he's still friends with on FB, or at least still remains on decent terms, but with me, I'm cut out completly. Made to feel crazy that I view a friendship as more than a 2 word exchange. I want to leave him alone, I don't know why I can't.

If I had to guess they don't view a friendship the way you do... .more than a 2 word exchange. You are on the road to a healthier place and maybe the friends he is on decent terms with are not in the same place you are. It may seem like that on the surface but they might be having a hard time with him as well. It is tough and a process that you'll get through, keep reading here.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I feel like I flucuate from being okay one minute, and miserable the next. Why is it so HARD to shake these folks. Last week I got confirmation that my ex doesn't care (he said so ). I felt good, I felt free. But I feel quilty for calling him a$$hole. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I did. I think I just don't accept his disorder, or I do, but feel like deep down inside he does care about me. I also am embarrased by how i've acted since we've broken up, that I've been almost desperate for any crumb of attention from him. This is not me, I don't act this way. The friends that I have shared this whole story with, are suprised by my actions since the break-up, as it's so out of character.

It's so messed up. I've dated several guys since our break-up. I'm dating a great guy now, but I still can't seem to get over this. Still can't seem to get past someone who said they'd cared, and they just don't. I think it makes it worse that we were friends as kids and that I know his family. It seems to make the betrayl so much worse. My T suggests that I don't do well with people leaving me, that I'm usually the one to walk away. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm sure that I'm taking this personally, as there is something so wrong with me, that he walked away, that he couldn't maintain friendship, even though logically I know that pwBPD struggle in all personal relationships. It bothers me that I'm sure there are girls that he's seen since, that he's still friends with on FB, or at least still remains on decent terms, but with me, I'm cut out completly. Made to feel crazy that I view a friendship as more than a 2 word exchange. I want to leave him alone, I don't know why I can't.

You are fluctuating because you are grieving.  Your heart is trying to catch up with your head.  I will go a few days with not crying but then... .BAM, I can't stop.  Examine your situation and if you aren't ready to date... .don't.  If you truly aren't ready this will only cause you suppress your emotions.  Hence you will struggle down the road.  When we shift from relationship to relationship and there is "unfinished business" (basically not allowing ourselves to properly grieve, that business can rear its ugly head.  No one wants to be alone but in solitude, sometimes we discover who we really are.

I think after being in a r/s w/someone w/ BPD we lose a sense of who we are.  We become so focused on their needs that we neglect ourselves.  Our wants/needs get put on hold.  Keep reading these boards.  I started off a complete disaster and don't get me wrong, the slightest little scratch on my heart and the tears don't stop BUT... .educating myself about this illness is helping.

We perceive their actions (or lack there of) as them simply not caring.  To a non, it seems inhumane.  To them, it is a way of life.  They are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't truly care like you and I.  They are continuously licking their wounds and finding the next bandaid once the current ones begin to peel off.  You along with the rest of us being the current/past band aids.

Don't badger yourself.  Don't put yourself down.  You are human.   You are hurting.  Be kind to yourself.  Love yourself.  Cut yourself some slack.  Journal, write, come on here and pour your heart out.  You aren't alone.

[Raybo48]

This all sounds all too familiar.   They seem to be able to drop those caring words and you bite every single time.  It's like you're never 'unattached' from them and if they are manipulators (which most appear to be) they know just the right words to hook you back in emotionally.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

This all sounds all too familiar.   They seem to be able to drop those caring words and you bite every single time.  It's like you're never 'unattached' from them and if they are manipulators (which most appear to be) they know just the right words to hook you back in emotionally.

Agree 100%.  The moment I would stop losing faith in my relationship all my X had to do was give me a little look or mutter a couple words and I was already bouncing back.  We cling to what our heart wants to hear.  It is so much easier to swallow a crumb than deal with the pain.  I think as a lesson learned it shows us how much we neglect ourselves. 

[Raybo48]

I totally agree.  Unfortunately we do take the crumb to ease the pain and it never ever lasts for long.   Just like my last contact two weeks ago with my ex BPD.  I hadn't heard from her basically all summer and she left me a voicemail that said "I think about you every day and I love you".   I bit hook-line-and sinker...     Then when I didn't rescue her after an hour long conversation she told me she was "done loving me" and terminated the call.  Fast forward to yesterday after two weeks of NC I checked up on her and she threatened me with a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.   Talk about splitting... .

[GoodThingsToCome]

I know exactly how you feel... .I"m 8 weeks out and I have moments where I feel great followed by moments of utter sadness and despair. Sometimes moments of intense anger at the injustice of it all. It has been a heart breaking experience.

I was walking alone on a road earlier today as the sun was setting and I started feeling really lonely... usually I would then begin to go on a downward spiral, but this time around I embraced radical acceptance and turned things around in my head; I said to myself: "yeah I'm feeling lonely, but that is OK. I'm here alone with just my thoughts and at least its peaceful and I can experience the moment as me"... thinking that way made it strangely comforting. I begin thinking when I might have another chance in life to truly be alone with my thoughts and just take in the moment as me. What I'm saying might sound weird, but as time has gone by I've allowed myself to feel the painful feelings, I've never fought them off but acknowledged them, understood them and accepted that they are healthy.

Sometimes I read posts on this forum and I wish I could reach out to people and just talk to them in person. I hear the sad stories and I empathize... .going through it myself I don't wish it upon anybody. What I can say has really helped me recently is the following:

- Cry. When you feel sad just let all the s**t out... .don't hold back or feel bad about it. You've been poisoned with emotional abuse... that needs to come out.

- I'd lost touch with myself in the relationship. I'd lost a sense of who I was and what I stood for. So what I've done is revisited my core values and what I want as a person moving forward. I've written these core values out and stuck them on the wall where I see them every day. I will regain myself, and I will meet a special partner who shares those core values with me.

- Embrace complete acceptance of your feelings. Try to understand that everything is temporary, and each time you accept these feelings and face them head on, that you are in that moment growing as an individual.

- Be excited about coming out of this as a stronger person. Think about the amazing lessons you will have learnt, and how it will help you in your future. I've learnt an unbelievable amount about myself and for that I'm truly grateful for the relationship, as much as it hurts like s**t right now.

Something that might be of interest is reading this: www.bemindful.org/darkemotions.html

I wish you all the best, and please post more if you need support.

[Tater tot]

Thank you everyone, I'm so appreciative of the words of encouragement and know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

- I'd lost touch with myself in the relationship. I'd lost a sense of who I was and what I stood for. So what I've done is revisited my core values and what I want as a person moving forward. I've written these core values out and stuck them on the wall where I see them every day. I will regain myself, and I will meet a special partner who shares those core values with me.

- Embrace complete acceptance of your feelings. Try to understand that everything is temporary, and each time you accept these feelings and face them head on, that you are in that moment growing as an individual.

- Be excited about coming out of this as a stronger person. Think about the amazing lessons you will have learnt, and how it will help you in your future. I've learnt an unbelievable amount about myself and for that I'm truly grateful for the relationship, as much as it hurts like s**t right now.

Something that might be of interest is reading this: www.bemindful.org/darkemotions.html

I wish you all the best, and please post more if you need support.

Thank you. I've never thought of it this way, but I wrote out my core values. Seeing them on paper was a stark reality in showing how far of the mark my ex was. I realize that I'm so caught up in the fantasy and blinded by the pain of his quick rejection, that I overlook what our relationship and he lack, and what I so easily overlooked caught up in the fantasy, which was not reality. THANK YOU!

[Blimblam]

Wow I can really relate to all that has been said here.

Tater tot.  I can really relate to the accepting crumbs even seeking out the crumbs and feeling pathetic and not myself.  It is an addiction, straight up. Often times when we follow that trail of crumbs, like in the fairytale hansel and gretal, it leads back to issues with our family of origin.  FOO issues are often a large contributing factor. 

While this may not seem clear now a part of him does care about you. What helped me come to grips with this is that a pwBPD has a fragmented compartmentalized personality so when you are split white you see the good side of their personality then when we get too close intimacy triggers the disorder. Their fears of abandonment and engulfment. They are trying to avoid pain so they project their fears pains and shame into you and see this as you and not themself. When they do this they can be ruthlessly cruel with no remorse and guilt. This is just a bad coping mechanism of displacing their own inner pain.  They are pushing you away so you can fulfill their self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. Reliving the experience from their childhood that is ruining their lives. You become the evil parent and they look for a new rescuer knight in shining armour to save them.

[Waifed]

I feel like I flucuate from being okay one minute, and miserable the next. Why is it so HARD to shake these folks. Last week I got confirmation that my ex doesn't care (he said so ). I felt good, I felt free. But I feel quilty for calling him a$$hole. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I did. I think I just don't accept his disorder, or I do, but feel like deep down inside he does care about me. I also am embarrased by how i've acted since we've broken up, that I've been almost desperate for any crumb of attention from him. This is not me, I don't act this way. The friends that I have shared this whole story with, are suprised by my actions since the break-up, as it's so out of character.

It's so messed up. I've dated several guys since our break-up. I'm dating a great guy now, but I still can't seem to get over this. Still can't seem to get past someone who said they'd cared, and they just don't. I think it makes it worse that we were friends as kids and that I know his family. It seems to make the betrayl so much worse. My T suggests that I don't do well with people leaving me, that I'm usually the one to walk away. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm sure that I'm taking this personally, as there is something so wrong with me, that he walked away, that he couldn't maintain friendship, even though logically I know that pwBPD struggle in all personal relationships. It bothers me that I'm sure there are girls that he's seen since, that he's still friends with on FB, or at least still remains on decent terms, but with me, I'm cut out completly. Made to feel crazy that I view a friendship as more than a 2 word exchange. I want to leave him alone, I don't know why I can't.

PTSD / Trauma Bonding

[SickofMe]

I embraced radical acceptance and turned things around in my head; I said to myself: "yeah I'm feeling lonely, but that is OK. I'm here alone with just my thoughts and at least its peaceful and I can experience the moment as me"... thinking that way made it strangely comforting. I begin thinking when I might have another chance in life to truly be alone with my thoughts and just take in the moment as me. What I'm saying might sound weird, but as time has gone by I've allowed myself to feel the painful feelings, I've never fought them off but acknowledged them, understood them and accepted that they are healthy.

Wow, that is really profound. I love it.

While this may not seem clear now a part of him does care about you. What helped me come to grips with this is that a pwBPD has a fragmented compartmentalized personality so when you are split white you see the good side of their personality then when we get too close intimacy triggers the disorder. Their fears of abandonment and engulfment. They are trying to avoid pain so they project their fears pains and shame into you and see this as you and not themself.

I think it's also important to realize that most of the real BPD behavior is not driven by conscious choices.  If you can really let that part sink in--that this is really weird psychological mechanisms at play--it becomes easier to bear.  It really isn't personal, but it burns and stings and humiliates just the same.

Sometimes I feel like the humiliation of having been "duped" is the hardest part, even harder than losing the connection and the love.  The good news is--that is my problem and it's in my power to address it.  There is nothing shameful about loving someone, even when it winds up spiraling into dysfunction and pain.  

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you everyone, I'm so appreciative of the words of encouragement and know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

- I'd lost touch with myself in the relationship. I'd lost a sense of who I was and what I stood for. So what I've done is revisited my core values and what I want as a person moving forward. I've written these core values out and stuck them on the wall where I see them every day. I will regain myself, and I will meet a special partner who shares those core values with me.

- Embrace complete acceptance of your feelings. Try to understand that everything is temporary, and each time you accept these feelings and face them head on, that you are in that moment growing as an individual.

- Be excited about coming out of this as a stronger person. Think about the amazing lessons you will have learnt, and how it will help you in your future. I've learnt an unbelievable amount about myself and for that I'm truly grateful for the relationship, as much as it hurts like s**t right now.

Something that might be of interest is reading this: www.bemindful.org/darkemotions.html

I wish you all the best, and please post more if you need support.

Thank you. I've never thought of it this way, but I wrote out my core values. Seeing them on paper was a stark reality in showing how far of the mark my ex was. I realize that I'm so caught up in the fantasy and blinded by the pain of his quick rejection, that I overlook what our relationship and he lack, and what I so easily overlooked caught up in the fantasy, which was not reality. THANK YOU!

Three month have gone and I still want her I can't seem to win her heart again , five years went down the drain , I still love her like , I think of her daily , I know she is a mess I just talked to her today , I refused to help her financially , and looks to me that's all what she wants from me .

Why is this happening I can date other people but I am not into it all I want is her and I know it's not an easy road to take . I am torn apart , what should I do ?

Please help I am having a bad day !

[Blimblam]

Thank you everyone, I'm so appreciative of the words of encouragement and know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

- I'd lost touch with myself in the relationship. I'd lost a sense of who I was and what I stood for. So what I've done is revisited my core values and what I want as a person moving forward. I've written these core values out and stuck them on the wall where I see them every day. I will regain myself, and I will meet a special partner who shares those core values with me.

- Embrace complete acceptance of your feelings. Try to understand that everything is temporary, and each time you accept these feelings and face them head on, that you are in that moment growing as an individual.

- Be excited about coming out of this as a stronger person. Think about the amazing lessons you will have learnt, and how it will help you in your future. I've learnt an unbelievable amount about myself and for that I'm truly grateful for the relationship, as much as it hurts like s**t right now.

Something that might be of interest is reading this: www.bemindful.org/darkemotions.html

I wish you all the best, and please post more if you need support.

Thank you. I've never thought of it this way, but I wrote out my core values. Seeing them on paper was a stark reality in showing how far of the mark my ex was. I realize that I'm so caught up in the fantasy and blinded by the pain of his quick rejection, that I overlook what our relationship and he lack, and what I so easily overlooked caught up in the fantasy, which was not reality. THANK YOU!

Three month have gone and I still want her I can't seem to win her heart again , five years went down the drain , I still love her like , I think of her daily , I know she is a mess I just talked to her today , I refused to help her financially , and looks to me that's all what she wants from me .

Why is this happening I can date other people but I am not into it all I want is her and I know it's not an easy road to take . I am torn apart , what should I do ?

Please help I am having a bad day !

I'm really sorry it hurts so badly. I can relate.  I still hurt and it's been a long time.  It takes how ever long it takes to heal.  What I have realized is in my situation I would haunt the image of me ex in many ways and i still do.  During the RS our ex mirrors us and we attach the image of our ex to the parts of ourself we experience in the Rs.  The good the bad and the ugly, all of this seems to come out in an rs with a pwBPD and we associated tier image with these experiences.  So when I have a strong emotion and the memory of my ex arises it is my issues with these emotions inexperience.  The image or memory of my ex is a reminder I still have healing to do and untill it is done I have no interest in another relationship.  In the end our exs are gone and it is about healing our own wounds.  It is not wrong to remember her it's an opportunity to heal.  To have compassion for your own wounded soul which is What I think gets us into these Rs's in the first place.

[DivorcedNon]

I'll add my 2 cents. We share some of the same fears as pwBPD. Fear of abandonment for example. So when they or non-BPD people for that matter abandon us abruptly they reject us. That hurts of course. This rejection creates obsession as well. We start idolazing them just like they idolized us. Now the roles are switched and we are chasing them. If the person who rejected us is "normal" eventualy we make sense out of the breakup and we get over it rather quickly. If the person is a pwBPD, the breakup does not make sense to us. To them in their broken mind it makes perfect sense and that is all we need to know and leave them alone! If we learn about BPD we start thinking that we can help them. We cannot! We can help ourselves.

[Raybo48]

I agree with the previous post.  The 'yearning' (hate that word, but it's accurate) usually starts happening a couple of days to a week after the break up.  We tend to compartmentalize the good parts of the BPD and toss out all the rest.  If you are a people pleaser type and accommodator it's even worse because you want to fix the problem.  Exactly correct on the part where they feel they did the right thing and now they "want to be left alone"... I heard "leave me alone" probably 1000 times in a three year period when her fear of abandonment came up, and the push/pull gymnastics  geared up.  Come here, go away... .They are all alike in that regard.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I embraced radical acceptance and turned things around in my head; I said to myself: "yeah I'm feeling lonely, but that is OK. I'm here alone with just my thoughts and at least its peaceful and I can experience the moment as me"... thinking that way made it strangely comforting. I begin thinking when I might have another chance in life to truly be alone with my thoughts and just take in the moment as me. What I'm saying might sound weird, but as time has gone by I've allowed myself to feel the painful feelings, I've never fought them off but acknowledged them, understood them and accepted that they are healthy.

Wow, that is really profound. I love it.

While this may not seem clear now a part of him does care about you. What helped me come to grips with this is that a pwBPD has a fragmented compartmentalized personality so when you are split white you see the good side of their personality then when we get too close intimacy triggers the disorder. Their fears of abandonment and engulfment. They are trying to avoid pain so they project their fears pains and shame into you and see this as you and not themself.

I think it's also important to realize that most of the real BPD behavior is not driven by conscious choices.  If you can really let that part sink in--that this is really weird psychological mechanisms at play--it becomes easier to bear.  It really isn't personal, but it burns and stings and humiliates just the same.

Sometimes I feel like the humiliation of having been "duped" is the hardest part, even harder than losing the connection and the love.  The good news is--that is my problem and it's in my power to address it.  There is nothing shameful about loving someone, even when it winds up spiraling into dysfunction and pain.  

I couldn't agree more.  Despite how the relationship turned out at least I know I am capable of love. Although there is much heartache that comes along with surviving a relationship from someone that suffered from BPD, there are so many lessons to learn.  I love your eloquent reply.

[Deeno02]

Thank you everyone, I'm so appreciative of the words of encouragement and know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

- I'd lost touch with myself in the relationship. I'd lost a sense of who I was and what I stood for. So what I've done is revisited my core values and what I want as a person moving forward. I've written these core values out and stuck them on the wall where I see them every day. I will regain myself, and I will meet a special partner who shares those core values with me.

- Embrace complete acceptance of your feelings. Try to understand that everything is temporary, and each time you accept these feelings and face them head on, that you are in that moment growing as an individual.

- Be excited about coming out of this as a stronger person. Think about the amazing lessons you will have learnt, and how it will help you in your future. I've learnt an unbelievable amount about myself and for that I'm truly grateful for the relationship, as much as it hurts like s**t right now.

Something that might be of interest is reading this: www.bemindful.org/darkemotions.html

I wish you all the best, and please post more if you need support.

Thank you. I've never thought of it this way, but I wrote out my core values. Seeing them on paper was a stark reality in showing how far of the mark my ex was. I realize that I'm so caught up in the fantasy and blinded by the pain of his quick rejection, that I overlook what our relationship and he lack, and what I so easily overlooked caught up in the fantasy, which was not reality. THANK YOU!

Three month have gone and I still want her I can't seem to win her heart again , five years went down the drain , I still love her like , I think of her daily , I know she is a mess I just talked to her today , I refused to help her financially , and looks to me that's all what she wants from me .

Why is this happening I can date other people but I am not into it all I want is her and I know it's not an easy road to take . I am torn apart , what should I do ?

Please help I am having a bad day !

Keep walking... .Go NC and move on.