Consciously tried validation/SET... small success

[jedimaster]

Just had to post a small success, just to feel good about ME and motivate myself to keep going.  My BPDw came in and was giving me some small grief about something (it's so common I don't even remember the topic now).  She wasn't in a rage, just the usual negative stuff directed at me.  She was repeating it several times just to be sure I "got it" and the first time I made one of my usual responses.  Then I caught myself and started sympathizing/empathizing/validating her feelings.  It caught her so off guard she stopped and said, "Wait are you being sarcastic or do you really mean that?"  Of course I said I meant it (and I really did; I'm learning to feel sincerely for her and try to understand how hard it must be to live in her world).  Then I followed up with a comment of something positive I could do to help with the issue that got her started, but without accepting fault or blame.  It stopped the negativity dead in its tracks! 

I know it was only a small victory and it was nothing compared to the stuff that goes on when she's on a roll.  But it was a start, and it gave me some good practice at validating.  Now I have to work at doing it automatically, because I was just darn lucky that my first comment didn't set her off before I could get on track. 

Thanks for everyone on here and for all the great info.  This site may be what keeps me hanging on.

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[takingandsending]

   

I am so happy for you. And a little hint that I have received from people a lot wiser than me:

SET and all of the communication tools work a lot better when your SO is not in a full blown dysregulation. You did it at the exact right time! 

When your wife is on a roll, it's probably too late for SET and on to boundaries.

Thanks for posting! Keep it up.