Why won't my ex partner even acknowledge me after having me falsely arrested?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First of all, I'd like to say hello to everyone and this is a really big step for me to even ask for help. I hope you'll be gentle with me. I'm sorry if this is a repeat but I posted this in the wrong section first time... .I'm really new to this.

I'm not sure what's happening to me. I think I've been in a relationship for the last two years with a partner who has BPD. She has all the traits but it's not something I've realised until recently after reading so much about why she behaved the way she did with me but it's the only conclusion I can come to? I feel like I'm losing my mind and myself. 

I'm not sure where to begin but may I just start by asking, is it usual for partners with BPD to go so far as to get their own partner arrested for seemingly nothing? Is it a response to something else they were feeling? She had me arrested for a false charge of assault and then whilst I was in custody, she left. It has devastated me and I've no idea why she would go to such lengths to do such a thing? We weren't allowed contact for a month as I was on bail but as soon as bail was over I tried to make contact but she's completely ignored every attempt I've made to be adult. I've asked to talk so many times. I've left messages, sent texts and emails but I've had absolutely nothing in return. The strange thing is she hasn't blocked me or changed her phone number so I'm getting really confused. Is this a control game? I'm not even sure if she's getting my texts or messages and it's driving me mad.

What worries me even more is why I'm the one trying so hard to make contact after she had me arrested and thrown in a cell. She hasn't said one word to me about it; not one and I cannot understand how anyone who supposedly loves someone can do something like that and then just walk away seemingly feeling nothing?

We've been apart now for seven weeks and I'm in a complete mess. I'm finding it hard to simply function and can't focus on anything other than why?

If there's anyone who can shed some light on why I feel so out of control with this? I'm usually quite strong and level headed but I'm really struggling.

Any advice would be welcomed; I just don't understand what's gone on.

Thanks in advance 

[Butterfly44]

First of all, I'd like to say hello to everyone and this is a really big step for me to even ask for help. I hope you'll be gentle with me. I'm sorry if this is a repeat but I posted this in the wrong section first time... .I'm really new to this.

I'm not sure what's happening to me. I think I've been in a relationship for the last two years with a partner who has BPD. She has all the traits but it's not something I've realised until recently after reading so much about why she behaved the way she did with me but it's the only conclusion I can come to? I feel like I'm losing my mind and myself. 

I'm not sure where to begin but may I just start by asking, is it usual for partners with BPD to go so far as to get their own partner arrested for seemingly nothing? Is it a response to something else they were feeling? She had me arrested for a false charge of assault and then whilst I was in custody, she left. It has devastated me and I've no idea why she would go to such lengths to do such a thing? We weren't allowed contact for a month as I was on bail but as soon as bail was over I tried to make contact but she's completely ignored every attempt I've made to be adult. I've asked to talk so many times. I've left messages, sent texts and emails but I've had absolutely nothing in return. The strange thing is she hasn't blocked me or changed her phone number so I'm getting really confused. Is this a control game? I'm not even sure if she's getting my texts or messages and it's driving me mad.

What worries me even more is why I'm the one trying so hard to make contact after she had me arrested and thrown in a cell. She hasn't said one word to me about it; not one and I cannot understand how anyone who supposedly loves someone can do something like that and then just walk away seemingly feeling nothing?

We've been apart now for seven weeks and I'm in a complete mess. I'm finding it hard to simply function and can't focus on anything other than why?

If there's anyone who can shed some light on why I feel so out of control with this? I'm usually quite strong and level headed but I'm really struggling.

Any advice would be welcomed; I just don't understand what's gone on.

Thanks in advance 

[vortex of confusion]

There is very little rhyme or reason as to why they do some of the things that they do. I would be very cautious and STOP trying to contact her. If she could make a false claim of assault, just think of what she could do with all of the calls, emails, etc. You could be looking at a restraining order or charges for harassment.

Yes, you may want to find out what happened but there is a rather large likelihood that you will never know and never understand. You should figure out a way to let it go even though it is soo unbelievably difficult to do.

[Raybo48]

I agree with Vortex, as I mentioned in our earlier exchange on here they are very unpredictable and you really need to go NC.  I know it's going to be really hard, but you don't need legal problems from someone who won't contemplate their actions.  My exBPD/fm threatened me yesterday with a restraining order 1500 miles away!  I contacted her after two weeks and she was the one who contacted me prior to that.   I won't be contacting her anytime soon I can tell you that.   

[Butterfly44]

Thank you; I had thought about that and I wondered if she hasn't blocked me or my number so she can "collect" my texts and emails for some other use. There's been nothing bad in my contact; just confusion and hurt and wanting some explanation for what she did. If anyone was abusive in the relationship, it was her. I've never had anyone put me down as hard as she did or threaten me with all the "better people" she could go to.  

The whole thing has left me emotionally crippled and she just doesn't seem to care. I nearly lost my job and I already lost my home. She's also turned so many people against me and some I haven't even met? This is a woman who promised me she'd never do anything to hurt me.

Is it that I'm trying to reason with someone who is actually incapable of reason?  

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you; I had thought about that and I wondered if she hasn't blocked me or my number so she can "collect" my texts and emails for some other use. There's been nothing bad in my contact; just confusion and hurt and wanting some explanation for what she did. If anyone was abusive in the relationship, it was her. I've never had anyone put me down as hard as she did or threaten me with all the "better people" she could go to.  

The whole thing has left me emotionally crippled and she just doesn't seem to care. I nearly lost my job and I already lost my home. She's also turned so many people against me and some I haven't even met? This is a woman who promised me she'd never do anything to hurt me.

Is it that I'm trying to reason with someone who is actually incapable of reason?  

Even if there is nothing bad in the contact, the contact itself could be considered harassment. It doesn't matter the content or context of the contact. If a person does not want to be contacted and you continue to contact them, then they could easily gather that information and try to use it against you.

There is NO reasoning with this person. STOP! You are tormenting yourself. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they should be able to not talk to you without you continuing to pressure them. All of the lessons through out the boards tell us not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) yet you are contacting her because you want her to justify and explain herself to you. Nobody should have to explain themselves to other people. It is really non of your business why she did what she did. yes, I know. It hurts like h*ll but there isn't much you can do about it.

[Butterfly44]

Thanks again Raybo,

I think I've been trying so hard to get through; to reason with her and ask for some acknowledgement but I'm starting to realise it's just not going to happen. When we were going through the endless "cycles" she would wait for me to call and call and call and chase her but she would always finally respond.

May I ask, does anyone know or have experience as to why someone with BPD would go that far? Are they so uncaring not to even think about what putting their own partner in prison would do? I felt it was a vindictive retaliation because I tried to stand up for myself during the argument and wouldn't behave exactly as she wanted me to. The argument was over for a good hour before she called the police. I just don't understand what she was thinking or why she felt it was ok to call the police? It's really messing my head up :-(

[Butterfly44]

Vortex, I think you're being a bit hard on me here. This is supposed to be about support not telling me she doesn't have any reason to explain anything and that I'm harassing her? I've been treated really badly by this woman and I've been trying to find a reason for the hurt and to figure things out, that's all. May I ask, who is JADE applicable to? People with BPD or non?

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, I think you're being a bit hard on me here. This is supposed to be about support not telling me she doesn't have any reason to explain anything and that I'm harassing her? I've been treated really badly by this woman and I've been trying to find a reason for the hurt and to figure things out, that's all. May I ask, who is JADE applicable to? People with BPD or non?

I am not trying to be hard on you. I am trying to help you see that you are wanting something that you are never going to get.

I haven't been through this with my husband but I have been through it with my sister. I wasn't arrested but she came to my house and I wouldn't let her in. I wouldn't let her see my kids or anything else. My life is none of her business. She called the cops on ME because I wouldn't let her in MY house. The cops came out and saw that everything was okay but it still did a number on me and my kids. And so, it goes both ways. If my life is none of her business, then her life is none of my business. I would have loved nothing more than to find an answer or some kind of reason for her doing what she did.

I talked to multiple police officers. Heck, I even sat in the district attorney's office and had to give a statement about what was going on. One of the things that the cops and the DA all said was that my life was none of her business and her life was none of my business. It didn't matter that we were sisters and that we used to be super close. When it comes to the law, past history does not amount to a hill of beans. And the fact that you were charged with assault (even if erroneously) is going to go against you. Is it right? Nope. Is it fair? Nope. Is it painful and hard to deal with? Absolutely. But, it is much better to be forewarned that it is to get caught up in a snake pit.

[Raybo48]

I have to agree with Vortex here man.  Words of wisdom... This entire process is very hard and Vortex is 100% correct about the texts even if you consider them innocent.  For the hell of it I looked up the harassment laws in AZ and they can go back a YEAR on text that they would consider harassing and then file a restraining order.  That is scary stuff considering who and what you/me are potentially dealing with.   Just food for thought.  Obviously you care deeply for this person and it makes it all the more difficult.   

[Raybo48]

Also butterfly, it is vindictive retaliation to some extent for sure.  It is real difficult to climb inside their head as non's, but if you shame them, upset them, or cause the abandonment scars from childhood to  pop they  are capable of anything, and I mean anything.  My ex called the police on me accusing me of taking her Xanax one time. She was drinking at the time and I should have taken them away, but I didn't.   I left her house that night and at about 3:00am they called me to inquire... I told them no way. Weeks and weeks rolled by and she accused me of being a liar and to just admit it and during that whole process treated me just terrible.  I refused to admit anything because I didn't do it... Then one day she's in her basement with one of her 'many' guy friends and he finds the pills hidden down there... She did call me and tell me she found them... The moral of the story is they will do ANYTHING if they feel they are a victim and don't have the reasoning capacity to think logically about anything.  You need to be really careful with her is all I am saying.

[Blimblam]

Welcome butterfly,

I can relate to the losing my mind and myself part.

I am really sorry you are going through this. It's not the kind of thing can understand unless they have experienced it themself. So please be gentle with yourself!  

What has helped me come to terms and make sense of things is accepting that my ex has arrested development. I was dealing with an adult with the emotional regulation and capacity for emotions of a child. Also that a pwBPD has a fragmented compartmentalized personality. So while in the begining you experienced some aspects of their personality once the disorder is triggered by intimacy (engulfment and abandonment fears). They push the other person away before they can be abandoned. They then split you black, and project their shame into you and you become the embodiment of their pain, shame and fears. They want to avoid feeling their own pain at all costs so they run away from themselves. Then us nons are left feeling broken lost and confused, stuck in the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) trying to make sense of it all.

Your ex will not validate your pain because this will bring them shame which is what they are trying to avoid.  Ultimately you will have to find the closure and validation for your experience in yourself to really heal from this. Untill you have done this you are ripe to fall back into drama in your experiences with others.  

What ever pain and emotions you feel are valid, experience them fully they need to be felt and experienced as part of you, though not who you are, to be released.  

As many have said here, It was nothing personal, as confusing as that may seem right now.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Food For Thought:

Do you wonder why you'd want to be connected after being falsely accused?

Google "Stockholm Syndrome"... you probably are showing some traits and should consider professional clinical help.

Almost all abuse victims "fall in love" with the abusers.

[Raybo48]

Wow Blim, I could not have said that any better!  You are SPOT on, and that is exactly what has happened to me with my BPD female... .

[Raybo48]

Well Palla if you are going to go that far you might as well consider the fact that all people who are attracted to BPD's are co-dependent.  The fact is a co-dependent shares one very interesting trait as the BPD... Abandonment as a child by an emotional manipulator parent.  It has made me look within myself and come to terms that I may in fact be co-dependent.  There is a lot of case work out there that supports this theory 100%

[wanttoknowmore]

Butterfly44, I feel sad for the torment you had to go thru just for loving a woman with a psychiatric disorder. The only person who ever threatened me with restraining order was my ex-BPD gf.  I was deeply shocked and felt what are you feeling now. How can someone do this? I studied for hundreds and hundreds of hours to know and understand this disorder.

I can tell you confidently that she was in a dysregulated state of mind... .she had ZERO control on her feelings at that moment... impulsively she called and got you in legal trouble.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. But, it's not even her fault. (hard to believe... right !)  If you want to blame ... blame this weird, strange disorder called BPD.

This disorder can change mind of the person suddenly and they can not see reality ... .emotions overpower them and they act as some very powerful force has taken over them. The best way to deal with this dysregulated state is to RUN away far as fast as you can... .do not engage... .just leave the scene... .the disorder can be very brutal if you engage. After that, make no contact until some day... .may be months or even years later... .she contacts you... .mine contacted me after 18 months of threat of restraining order and doesnot remember what she said.  I wish you strenghth ... .you did not deserve this kind of treatment.

[Raybo48]

Yea I agree with want... .She could tell you she doesn't even remember doing what she was doing. I've had that happen to me on several occasions with my exBPD.  If I had a dollar for every time she told me to never contact her again and then she contacted me I could pop for a new BMW.  It was the first time she threatened a restraining order yesterday so this is different, but makes sense since I rejected her completely two weeks ago.  If you reject the BPD you better wear a crash helmet...  

[Waifed]

My ex called the police on me too. I would have never thought in a million years she would have done this to me. After 13 months of NC my mind is clear and I can see that she is a deeply disturbed person. Why did she do it?  Control? Anger? Shame?  It doesn't matter to me now because there is nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. Hang in there. It gets better but it is a slow process. Be easy on yourself. You did nothing wrong.

[Blimblam]

Wow Blim, I could not have said that any better!  You are SPOT on, and that is exactly what has happened to me with my BPD female... .

Thank you raybo we are all in this together.

I want to add something. You may encounter other people that can relate but have they themselves carpmentalized their own pain and shame so when they encounter you they are critical and invalidating, this is because like a pwBPD they are avoiding dealing with their own pain so when they see this aspect of themselves they are in denial of in another they persecute you further attempting to keep you in victim mode to bolster their false self.  You may be surprised how often you experience this with others which is why I say you you are ripe for drama.

Just know that if and when you experience this it is about them and not you!  This may make the world seem like it is a boobytrapped mind field. It's just the world showing you how wounded it is. The solution is having compassion for the wounded parts of yourself.

Their is no shame in loving a wounded soul, it is a testament of how much compassion you have within you.

[irishmarmot]

Sorry for your troubles.   My ex also accused me of false charges to get a restraining order.   Why she did this i will never know.   Its not uncommon for this to happen but is probably not the norm when relationships like these end.  The way DV laws are now,  you need to  protect yourself.   Any contact with her now even if she contacts you is not going to be in your best interests.   Contact any professional whether a lawyer or a T and they will tell you the same thing.  IMHO going NC and staying there is the only way you are going to stay out of jail.  I know it hurts because it makes no logical sense but once you begin to detach you will understand.

[SlyQQ]

You are being played run hard an fast love has turned to hate it may breifly turn back but not for long had avo put against me ( quashed) death threats etc there is no real going back at this stage if you try to make logical sense of it from your perspective you will go crazy She hates you now an may well be devising a particularly nasty plan to entrap you ( i was also falsely accused of making a death threat against her ) that she had likley set up beware!

[Butterfly44]

Wow Blim, I could not have said that any better!  You are SPOT on, and that is exactly what has happened to me with my BPD female... .

Thank you raybo we are all in this together.

I want to add something. You may encounter other people that can relate but have they themselves carpmentalized their own pain and shame so when they encounter you they are critical and invalidating, this is because like a pwBPD they are avoiding dealing with their own pain so when they see this aspect of themselves they are in denial of in another they persecute you further attempting to keep you in victim mode to bolster their false self.  You may be surprised how often you experience this with others which is why I say you you are ripe for drama.

Just know that if and when you experience this it is about them and not you!  This may make the world seem like it is a boobytrapped mind field. It's just the world showing you how wounded it is. The solution is having compassion for the wounded parts of yourself.

Their is no shame in loving a wounded soul, it is a testament of how much compassion you have within you.

Thank you soo much for this response and all the other kind and helpful messages I've received. I'm in the U.K so have just woken up and of course, she's the first thing on my mind. I would just like to say which I should have done in the first place, I was arrested but not actually charged with anything in the end. Bizarrely enough, she refused to make any statement against me. It ended up with the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) so it took 5 weeks of me worrying myself sick about what was going to happen to me whilst being left alone wondering what the hell happened to the woman who only two days before had told me she wanted us to get back to a happier place again?

I'm fascinated by the idea that she was in a "dysregulated state of mind"? Are you saying that at the time it really was a reactionary thing because she genuinely was not in control of her emotions at all? She kept punching me in the chest at the time and almost begging me to hit her, which I didn't and wouldn't of course; it made me feel sick that she was trying to goad me in that way.

It's this silence from her now, it's killing me and she's never done this before for more than a day or two before contacting me. It's been seven weeks now. She can come across as so sensible and adult at times that I've really lost sight of what was real and what wasn't. I know I shouldn't be trying to contact her at all and I feel ashamed that I've done it so many times even after what she had done to me. I guess somewhere deep down I just want to know that she actually cared about me; at any point? 

I'm going to have to go NC I know without all the answers I feel I need. It just hurts so much. I feel completely emotionally used and somewhat abandoned. I just hate thinking she hates me now for simply trying my best to love her  :'(

[Blimblam]

Butterfly

She does care about.  You meant something to her. Sadly and tragically to her now you are an emotional tampon a trash can for her negative emotions.  Her existance is about her need to avoid feeling pain.  She is the perpetual victim. It's tragic but you can't fix it.  Her need is like a bottomless well that can and will never be filled.  She will suck you dry if you let her.

The sad sick twisted thing is she needs the drama she wanted you to abuse her to justify in her mind that you are the bad guy.  If you don't happily take the role of bad guy then she doesn't get to be the victim.  Because she does not see you as the rescuer she takes the role of persecuter. And punishes you. 

There is nothing to be ashamed of wanting to contact her.  Many of us have felt this shame.  What it is is compassion for a person you love.  But she's gone. She will only bring drama into your life and suck you dry.  She can't help it.

You can't fix it. You can not fix this.

She is stuck in this pattern most likely for life. 

Truth be told she probably did this to protect you from her. She knows she will only hurt you. 

I very highly recommend no contact of any sort including pictures and facebook. 

I contacted a BPD ex of mine from a decade ago and told her what my last ex did to me. She told me she sounds like a horrible person worthless scum you should never contact her again.  The irony is this ex did nearly the same thing a decade earlier. 

This is how they feel about themselves deep down. They hate themself and that's the lot they were felt in life. 

In her wierd twisted way she is trying to save you from herself.

This is a sign to detach and the very best way I can think of is no contact.

If you break or look her up don't feel ashamed most of us have done it. I did it over and over it is an addiction.  Addictions can be broken. But you always want just one more hit because "this time it will be different."  It will not be different. You will come crashing down each time.  There is nothing I can say to make you realize this you have to get their for yourself. Don't be ashamed.

[Raybo48]

Blim is 100% correct in every aspect.  I can apply it all to my own situation right now.  I didn't rescue my ex two weeks ago and now I'm being punished with threats of a restraining order and never hearing from her again.  I deleted all her pictures, her face book is global, which makes it hard.  I refuse to look though as I know it will force me to keep her alive in a bizzare way.  I just keep reminding myself that I have more self worth than she will ever attain in her life. She does loath herself and has admitted that to me im her darkest hours while drinking.  I still have the yearning feeling and naturally she popps in my head right when I wake up.  Blim is right, it is an addiction, no question.  This too shall pass, no way I'm going to let her win.

[crookedeuphoria]

I would recommend steering clear as well. If she had you arrested on a DV charge, she may very well believe that you assaulted her. It may not be vindictive, she might actually believe it and be scared. Have your charges even been dropped? I had my BPDx arrested and it took me forever to get the charges dropped, basically I had to become uncooperative but he was told that even with me dropping the charges if there was ever another incident, it would be reopened. Be very careful, you are playing with fire.

[clydegriffith]

I found myself in a predicament numerous times. My daughters mother had me arrested numerous times on fabricated charges, going as far once to give herself a black eye and say i did it. Why do they do it? Well my opinion is that if they feel you've crossed them, however slightly, they will do something to try and hurt you. In my case, an argument started over me saying i was going to hang out with some friends that night. That sent her into a rage and i left the house to kind of let her cool down and she ended up bruising her own eye and calling the police. Since i wasn't at the house, a warrant was issued for my arrest and i was picked up a week later at the home i shared with her. So i had been with her for an entire week without having the slightest idea what she had done. Then she cries and cries and says she's sorry and i stupidly forgive her.

[Raybo48]

I found myself in a predicament numerous times. My daughters mother had me arrested numerous times on fabricated charges, going as far once to give herself a black eye and say i did it. Why do they do it? Well my opinion is that if they feel you've crossed them, however slightly, they will do something to try and hurt you. In my case, an argument started over me saying i was going to hang out with some friends that night. That sent her into a rage and i left the house to kind of let her cool down and she ended up bruising her own eye and calling the police. Since i wasn't at the house, a warrant was issued for my arrest and i was picked up a week later at the home i shared with her. So i had been with her for an entire week without having the slightest idea what she had done. Then she cries and cries and says she's sorry and i stupidly forgive her.

I totally agree with this.  I just crossed my EXBPD and she threatened a restraining order this past Monday if I "bothered her anymore".  They lash out and are highly vindictive people and definitely do not care about what they do.  It means absolutely nothing to them to cause psychical, financial, legal, or emotional harm.

[Butterfly44]

Hi Crooked & thanks for the advice. Yes, the charges were dropped. She refused to make any statement against me. I think she knew I hadn't done anything serious enough for it but we were arguing & she was in a complete state, plus there was over an hours gap between the argument subsiding & her calling the police. I think she just wanted to leave as I was finding out more & more about lies & deceitful things she'd done behind my back. I think she was more worried about that than anything else? I have no idea what the motive was but I guess I'll never know. I'm not saying my behaviour that night was great. I said some awful things that I deeply regret that were really hurtful but I didn't have any idea about pwBPD before (she hasn't been diagnosed) so I had no idea how to cope with the situation at the time. I was always being accused of things I hadn't done & being screamed at for lies I hadn't told & events that hadn't even happened. I was exhausted fighting my corner & trying to prove my love but nothing was ever enough. She was also telling me how she blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life & was always threatening me with sleeping with other people (everyone else was better than me) I just couldn't cope anymore with holding my own feelings back in the way I always had done. I think calling the police was in some stupid way, a retaliation for the things I said. I feel awful about all of it & have apologised for my part but it's the lack of acknowledgement for any of the things she's done to me that I cannot get to grips with. Knowing what I know now about pwBPD, I'm aware that will never come & it's always been that way between us... .me apologising & her saying nothing but blaming me for everything. I just don't want her to hate me for the things I said? It's strange because I don't hate her even though she put me through hell. I just want things to be ok & to feel she does have some understanding of what she's done. I started NC today & I know it's the only way forward for me at least.

Thank you again for the advice.

[clydegriffith]

I found myself in a predicament numerous times. My daughters mother had me arrested numerous times on fabricated charges, going as far once to give herself a black eye and say i did it. Why do they do it? Well my opinion is that if they feel you've crossed them, however slightly, they will do something to try and hurt you. In my case, an argument started over me saying i was going to hang out with some friends that night. That sent her into a rage and i left the house to kind of let her cool down and she ended up bruising her own eye and calling the police. Since i wasn't at the house, a warrant was issued for my arrest and i was picked up a week later at the home i shared with her. So i had been with her for an entire week without having the slightest idea what she had done. Then she cries and cries and says she's sorry and i stupidly forgive her.

I totally agree with this.  I just crossed my EXBPD and she threatened a restraining order this past Monday if I "bothered her anymore".  They lash out and are highly vindictive people and definitely do not care about what they do.  It means absolutely nothing to them to cause psychical, financial, legal, or emotional harm.

What makes matters worst is that unlike a normal person, they can't think "hey if i do X, the consiquences will be Z". I could have easily lost my job and and given that she wasn't working and was taking care of her two other kids as well as mine, what in the world was she going to do if the rent and bills couldn't get paid. The woman was incapable of thinking beyond the 5 minutes into the future.

[Raybo48]

Agreed... Even the thought of 'consequences' is foreign to them, at least in my experience with mine for 3 years.  It doesn't even enter into the picture so she would just react depending on what she was feeling.  If she was feeling vindictive/abandoned/not wanted like she is now she is dangerous, period.  I may be a lot of things and very dumb for constantly re-engaging her, but I know she is dangerous and I will definitely stay NC after she dropped the Retraining Order comment.